Jeeves and Wooster, Season 2

Aunt Dahlia:
Your uncle Tom thinks it's the cat's nightwear.

Jeeves:
Good morning, Mrs. Travers. Mr. Wooster asked me to say that he has gone to Switzerland.

Aunt Dahlia:
Oh, piffle, Jeeves, get the blighter out of bed.

Jeeves:
Very good, madam. [goes into Bertie's bedroom] Mrs. Travers, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
But, I thought I told you —

Jeeves:
I'm afraid she seemed disinclined to believe me, sir.

Sir Watkyn Bassett:
I don't care how spiritual Harold Pinker is, Madeline. I'm Stephie's guardian.

Madeline Bassett:
You know he played cricket for Oxford?

Sir Watkyn Bassett:
I don't care if he played tiddlywinks for the Sorbonne.

[a telegram comes while Bertie is in the bathtub]

Bertie Wooster:
You'd better read it, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
Very good, sir. [clears throat] "Come immediately. Serious rift Madeline and self. Unless you come earliest possible moment prepared lend every effort reconciliation wedding will be broken off. Reply. Gussie," sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Ah, well, these are deep waters, Jeeves! There's only one thing we can say with any certainty, and that is that Gussie has made an ass of himself again.

Jeeves:
There is that possibility, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Have you got your telegraph pad handy?

Jeeves:
Yes, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Right. Well, send this. "Fink-Nottle, Totleigh Towers, Totleigh-in-the-Wold, Gloucestershire. Yes that's all very well. You say come here immediately but how dickens can I? Relations between Pop Bassett and self not such as to make him welcome Bertram. Would hurl out on ear and set dogs on. What serious rift? Why serious rift? Why dickens? What have you been doing to the girl? Reply. Bertie." [squeezes rubber duck]

Bertie dictates a telegram to a post office employee

Bertie:
To Aunt Dahlia. Erm ... I say — look here, this is absolutely impossible. Er ... not to say, out of the question. Spode has already threatened yours truly. Uh ... sorry, and all that ... oh — about the cow creamer, I mean. Anyway, there it is. Toodle-pip, your affectionate nephew, Bertie.

Post office employee:
Is it a code?

Stiffy's dog attacks a police constable, who falls off his bike into a pond

Stiffy Byng:
[to the constable] What on earth did you do that for? You might've scared him out of his wits, hurling yourself about like that. [addressing the dog] Poor old Bartholomew!

PC Oates:
We must caution you, Miss Stephanie!

Stiffy:
[talking to dog] Did the ugly man nearly squash him flat?

Oates:
I was proceeding along a public highway when the dog leaped at me in a violent manner. I was hurled from my bicycle —

Stiffy:
Well you shouldn't ride a bicycle. Bartholomew hates bicycles.

PC Oates:
I ride a bicycle, Miss, because if I didn't, I would have to cover my beat on foot!

Stiffy:
Do you good! Get some of the fat off you.

[Bertie, in the background, hits his face with his palm]

PC Oates:
I will have to summons you once more, miss, for being in possession of a savage dog whilst not under proper control.

Stiffy:
Don't be an ass, Oates. You can't expect a dog to pass up a policeman on a bicycle! It isn't human nature.

Bertie:
Stinker! Good heavens!

[they shake hands cordially]

Stinker:
Bertie! Well, well, well!

Bertie:
I always wondered what became of you!

Stinker:
I was wondering only the other day what had happened to you. Good heavens!

Bertie:
Well, well, well!

Stinker:
Extraordinary thing!

Bertie:
And here you are!

Stinker:
Well, well, well!

Bertie:
Absolutely amazing. Good heavens.

Stiffy:
Er — is that the end?

Stiffy Byng:
Bertie, I think you're a pig!

Bertie Wooster:
A pig, maybe. But a shrewd, level-headed pig. A pig who was not born yesterday and has seen a thing or two.

Bertie:
One has tried, one has failed! One can do no more.

Dahlia:
Don't you try that "dying duck in a thunderstorm" stuff on me, young Bertie. You will get that cow creamer.

Bertie:
No — no, you don't understand, Aunt Dahlia. I have tried! I've been threatened with a shotgun, and Roderick Spode says that if I try again, he will beat me to a jelly.

Dahlia:
Yes? Go on.

Bertie:
What do you mean "yes, go on"? You wouldn't want your favorite nephew to be beaten to a jelly, now would you?

Dahlia:
Might be an improvement.

[at the Junior Ganymede Club for gentlemen's gentlemen]

Valet #1:
Of course, one can't get proper gentlemen nowadays.

[the others murmur in agreement]

Valet #2:
They're not what they were, certainly. The one I've got at the moment insists on calling me by my first name!

Valet #1:
Well, one tries to be tactful, of course, but one is simply swimming against the tide. I blame their parents. How's yours now, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
Oh, really quite promising. I always suspected I could make something of him, and such is proving to be the case.

Valet at the head of the table:
But you want to see the book, don't you?

Jeeves:
I'm not considering another gentleman. This is quite another matter.

Valet at the head of the table:
The book for Mr. Jeeves, if you please.

Valet #3:
Well, I must say mine is coming along very nicely, very nicely indeed. You remember I had to be quite severe with him about wearing a soft hat before Goodwood? [the others smile and shake their heads] Good as gold now, good as gold.

Jeeves:
[taking the book] Ah, thank you.

Valet #1:
I'm really quite concerned about this first-name business.

Valet at the head of the table:
I think they pick it up from the cinema.

Valet #1:
Why don't you try not answering when he calls you by the wrong name?

Valet #2:
Oh, I don't think I could carry that off. One doesn't like to hurt their feelings, does one?

Roderick Spode:
[angrily] Why wasn't Fink-Nottle at dinner?

Bertie:
Perhaps he wasn't hungry.

Spode:
I'm looking for him.

Bertie:
Oh. Right. Well uh...any message if he should turn up?

Spode:
Tell him I'm going to break his neck!

Bertie:
Break his neck. Right. And, uh, if he should ask why?

Spode:
He knows why! Because he's a butterfly who toys with women's hearts and throws them aside like soiled gloves.

Bertie:
Do butterflies do that?

Spode:
Are you trying to be funny?

Bertie:
No, no, no.

Spode:
Good.

Bertie:
Spode qua menace — if "qua" is the word I'm after — is a thing of the past.

Bertie:
[to Spode] I would like to know why the devil you keep coming into my private apartment and then taking up space which I require for other purposes.

Roderick Spode:
[speaking to to a small crowd] At birth, every citizen, as a right, will be issued with a British bicycle and an honest, British-made umbrella. Thus assured of a mobile workforce adequately protected against the elements, this great country can go forward once more to glory!

Crowd:
Hurray!

Barmy:
[to Jeeves] I say. That's a jolly good idea, Jeeves.

Roderick Spode:
Citizens of Totleigh-in-the-Wold, I say to you that nothing stands between us and our victory, except defeat! Tomorrow is a new day! The future lies ahead!

Barmy:
D'you know, I never thought of that.

Roderick Spode:
Ah, Jeeves. Glad to see you here. You're just the sort of person we need in the movement — the working masses. [Jeeves stiffens]

Jeeves:
[coldly] I hesitate to contradict you, Mr. Spode, but the "working masses" and I have barely a nodding acquaintanceship. Good afternoon.

Stiffy Byng:
Oh, ha jolly ha.

Bertie Wooster:
Oh, ha jolly ha to you, young Stiffy, with knobs on!

Stiffy Byng:
And ha jolly ha to you, with double knobs on!

Stiffy Byng:
Jeeves, you really are the specific dream rabbit.

Sir Watkyn Bassett:
She'll make something of you, perhaps. I'm sure there are many good qualities underneath that, uh...rough exterior.

Bertie Wooster:
Uh, well, no, actually.

Roderick Spode:
[banging at Gussie's door] Come out, you putrid little earthworm! [...] I'm going to tear your head from off your shoulders!

Bertie Wooster:
Ah! What ho, Sir Watkyn?

Sir Watkyn Bassett:
Kindly do not address me in that familiar way, Wooster. I happen to know that, once again, you yield to the awful temptation to steal a policeman's helmet!

Bertie Wooster:
Oh, rot!

Roderick Spode:
Fink-Nottle! I'm going to ram that notebook of yours down your throat!

Bertie Wooster:
[speaking of Spode] You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing.

Jeeves:
No, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
One or the other, not both.

Jeeves:
Precisely, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Are these the actions of rational human beings, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
It's difficult to say, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
I mean, is it for this that we dragged ourselves from the primeval ooze, to stir up the emotions of civil, honest citizens to the point of frenzy and then go around playing tennis and giggling?

Jeeves:
It's an interesting question, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Have you ever seen a floral clock, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
I have not had that pleasure, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
No, well, don't. Have nothing whatever to do with floral clocks. If a friend says, "Just one more floral clock can't do you any harm," be firm.

Jeeves:
I shall do as you recommend, sir.

Jeeves:
Did you have a pleasant afternoon, sir?

Bertie Wooster:
You have a cruel streak, Jeeves. I hadn't realized it before. What blighter was it that invented the bicycle?

Jeeves:
The first truly rideable machine was made by a Mr. Kirkpatrick Macmillan of Dumfriesshire in Scotland in, erm, 1839, I believe, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Oh. Too late to do anything about it now, I suppose.

Jeeves:
I fear so, sir.

Aunt Agatha:
[to the police officer] And stand up straight! Is that the way they teach you to stand at the police force nowadays?

Bertie Wooster:
Is there anything I can do, Aunt Agatha?

Aunt Agatha:
Yes, there is. You can leave. I have enough to bear without your imbecilities. [to the officer] Your chief constable should hear of this. What is your name?

Bertie Wooster:
I think there's something the matter with that girl, Auntie. Isn't she crying or something?

Aunt Agatha:
Remorse! She stole my pearls! [to the officer] Do you refuse to give me your name?

Bertie Wooster:
Pearls? Well, that's a coincidence. These aren't the little chaps, are they? [holding them up]

Aunt Agatha:
Oh, no, of course not — [catching sight of them] Wh-where did—?

Bertie Wooster:
I got them from your friends the Hemmingways.

Aunt Agatha:
The Hemmingways? The Hemmingways?! Well, how did they come into the possession of the Hemmingways?

Bertie Wooster:
Because they jolly well stole them, that's how! That's what they do for a living! They are jewel thieves!

Aunt Agatha:
No, no, no, no, no, no—

Bertie Wooster:
Yes, yes, aged A! I mean, I don't want to rub it in, but you do realize that if you had succeeded in getting me to marry that girl, then I should most probably have had children who'd have sneaked my watch while I was dandling them on my knee!

Aunt Agatha:
Oh, Bertie, dear, you—

Bertie Wooster:
Now I'm not a complaining sort of chap, as a rule, but I must say that in future, you might be just a little bit more careful how you go about egging me on to marry females! [hands her the pearls and walks out, then does a dance in the hall]

Bertie Wooster:
It's Biffy, isn't it? What have you got against old Biffy?

Jeeves:
I'm sure Mr. Biffen has many fine qualities, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Oh, very well, then. If you're not going to chip in and save a fellow creature, I suppose I can't make you. You're going to look pretty silly, though, when I get old Biffy out of the soup without your assistance.

Jeeves:
I shall try to bear up under the shame of it, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Yes, well.... Right, well, I'm going back into that sitting room now, Jeeves, and I'm going to put in some pretty tense thinking.

Jeeves:
Very good, sir. Shall I wake you at six, sir?

Bertie Wooster:
Er yes, tha— [turning suddenly] NO, NO, Jeeves! There will be no need! The brain will be racing.

Jeeves:
[in disbelief] As you say, sir.

Lady Glossop:
Are you a theater lover, Mr. Wooster?

Bertie Wooster:
Oh, rather!

Lady Glossop:
One of my most treasured memories is of Irving playing Hamlet at the Lyceum.

Bertie Wooster:
Really? Who won? [guffaws]

[doorbell rings]

Bertie Wooster:
Was that the doorbell, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
It certainly gave that impression, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Who could that be at this time of night?

Jeeves:
I shall endeavor to ascertain, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Well, let me tell you, Mr. Mangelhoffer, that the man that hath no music in himself is fit for... hang on a minute. [goes into the other room, where Jeeves is peeling potatoes] Jeeves, what was it Shakespeare said the man that hadn't music in himself was fit for?

Jeeves:
Treasons, stratagems, and spoils, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
[returning] Treasons, stratagems, and spoils.

Mr. Mangelhoffer:
What?

Bertie Wooster:
That's what he's fit for, the man that hath no music in himself.

Bertie Wooster:
Jeeves, unpleasantness has reared its ugly head in the West 1 postal district.

Chuffy Chuffnell:
And this is my friend Bertie Wooster.

J. Washburn Stoker:
[frowning] Wooster!

Pauline Stoker:
[smiling] Well, well, well! Old Colonel Wooster in person. [walks over to Bertie]

Bertie Wooster:
Oh, well, you know....

Pauline Stoker:
Well, sir, this has certainly made my day, you little blob of sunshine. [tweaks Bertie's cheek, then takes him by the arm] Isn't he looking lovely, Father?

J. Washburn Stoker:
Come away from that man, Pauline. That man is bad news!

[Pauline makes an expression of mock horror with widened eyes]

Bertie Wooster:
[referring to Marmaduke "Chuffy" Chuffnell] Well, no one would say that "Marmaduke" was a beautiful name, wantonly and without good reason.

Pauline Stoker:
[sighs] All right. Less of the Sherlock stuff. I'm not trying to hide anything.

Bertie Wooster:
Uh-huh. And you love this, um — [chuckles] excuse me — this Marmaduke?

Pauline Stoker:
I'm dippy about him, Bertie. Don't you just worship the way his hair sort of fluffs up at the back?

Bertie Wooster:
My dear girl, I have better things to do than go about staring at the back of Chuffy's head. The front's bad enough.

Bertie Wooster:
Well, there's only one thing for it, Jeeves: Chuffy must be shoved over the brink.

Jeeves:
I do not quite follow you, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
What he needs is a jolt. If he thought that there was a grave danger of some other bloke scooping her up, well, wouldn't that make him forget those dashed silly ideas of his and charge ahead, breathing fire through the nostrils?

Jeeves:
Jealousy is undoubtedly a powerful motivating energy, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
And what about the oof situation?

Chuffy Chuffnell:
The what?

Bertie Wooster:
The oof, the dibs, the do-re-mi, the happy cabbage, the oil of palm.

Chuffy Chuffnell:
Yes, yes, I do speak English.

Chuffy Chuffnell:
She must have had a wonderful time being engaged to you. What on earth made her accept you, I wonder.

Bertie Wooster:
Do you know, I once consulted a knowledgeable pal, and his theory was that the sight of me hanging around like a loony sheep awoke the maternal instinct in woman. There may be something in this.

[as firemen arrive to put out a fire raging at the cottage where he's staying, Bertie, reeling in pain, crawls on his hands and knees to sit against a tree]

Bertie Wooster:
I blame you for this, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
With respect, sir, I merely intended Mr. Stoker to discover his daughter at your cottage. So strongly does he disapprove of you that I expected him to look more kindly on Miss Stoker's putative engagement to Lord Chuffnell. The fact that His Lordship should also discover her here, and in mortal peril, was, as the Americans say, pure gravy.

[Jeeves regards the unfolding drama with satisfaction. Bertie stares at the scene, dumbfounded at first; as Jeeves's words sink in, he begins to smile, then winces again in pain]

Bertie Wooster:
Save the congratulations for later, Jeeves, but as the French might say, it is dans le sac.

Pauline Stoker:
What had you done to those people, Bertie?

Bertie Wooster:
I was once engaged to their daughter.

Pauline Stoker:
Ah.

Jeeves:
Foreign travel often liberates emotions best kept in check, sir, and the air of North America is notoriously stimulating in this regard, as witness the regrettable behavior of its inhabitants in 1776.

Bertie Wooster:
What happened in 1776, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
I prefer not to dwell on it, if it's convenient to you, sir.

J. Washburn Stoker:
If you think I'm going to let my daughter marry a man who consorts with common criminals, you do not know the middle west of America!

Jeeves:
Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope made frequent re—

Bertie Wooster:
Oh, never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
No, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
There are times when one wants to hear all about the poet Pope and times when one doesn't.

Jeeves:
Very true, sir.

Magistrate:
These are serious charges. But I'm inclined to believe that you, Alfred Trotsky, and you, Frederick Aloisius Lenin, were led astray. You are discharged. But as for the rest of you — Boko Disraeli, Oofy Lloyd George, Barmy Lord Tennyson and the rest — not only have you been guilty of a breach of the peace of considerable magnitude, I also strongly suspect that you have given false names and addresses! You are each fined the sum of five pounds.

Bertie Wooster:
I say!

Magistrate:
Quiet, Dr. Crippen!

[Tuppy, speaking of a rift in his relationship with Angela Travers]

Tuppy:
You know she has given me the push!

Bertie Wooster:
No!

Tuppy:
She has! Simply because I was man enough to speak out candidly on the subject of a ghastly hat she was chump enough to buy. Fwuh!

Bertie Wooster:
What do you mean, fwuh?

Tuppy:
All I said was, it made her look like a raccoon peering out from underneath a flower pot. Which it did.

Bertie Wooster:
Yes, well they're not all too keen on fearless honesty, I find.

Tuppy:
Well, your cousin Angela certainly isn't.

Bertie Wooster:
Not about hats, anyway.

Bertie Wooster:
You know that play — oh, what was its dashed name — the one I saw last night.

Jeeves:
No, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
It's on at the whatcha-call-it. Anyway, the hero's a chap who is buzzing along through life, you know, quite merry and bright, apart from his gammy leg from the war. And all of a sudden, this kid turns up, and says that she's his daughter ... left over from act one. And it's absolutely the first he's ever heard of it! So obviously, there's a bit of a fuss, and they say to him what ho, and he says what ho. And ... anyway, he takes the kid, and they go off together, out into the world!

Jeeves:
Very inspiring, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Yes well, I thought so, yes.

Bertie Wooster:
I mean to say, Jeeves — if a girl can't, in the course of ordinary everyday conversation, tell a chap to go and boil his head without said chap turning to the arms of another, well, I mean, where are we, Jeeves?

Jeeves:
Where indeed, sir.

[Jeeves is in the kitchen recovering from a momentary panic attack]

Bertie Wooster:
What on earth's the matter, Jeeves? Jeeves?

Jeeves:
[coughs] I apologize, sir. It was unforgivable of me. I shall be better directly. It's just... Mr. Little's tie, sir. It has... little horseshoes on it, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
Oh yes, yes, I noticed that.

Jeeves:
It's sometimes difficult just to shrug these things off, sir.

Bertie Wooster:
This may well be it, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
"It," sir?

Bertie Wooster:
Pitching the woo, Jeeves. Not to rule out popping the question. The lights will be low, the wine will be flowing...

Jeeves:
I'm sure I wish you every good fortune, sir. I only hope that the dog will not impede your endeavors.

Bertie Wooster:
Patrick? Patrick will be warmly ensconced in your room, Jeeves.

Jeeves:
It is, if you recall, sir, my evening off. I had promised myself a quiet evening with an improving book.

Bertie Wooster:
Can't you spend an evening with an improving dog?

Bobbie Wickham:
First you need a good long piece of string. You know what string is, don't you?

Bertie Wooster:
Certainly, as in string.

[Bertie tries to address a girls' school as the students keep making faces at him]

Bertie Wooster:
Er, right, yes! Er, well. Erm... oh, ah, yes! Now! Here's something that's often done me a bit of good, er, and it's something that not many people know. [the girls begin making faces again, and he pauses in confusion] Ah, yes, well, anyway. Erm — my uncle Henry gave me the tip when I first came to London. Er, "Never forget, my boy," he said, "that — er — that if you stand outside Romano's in the Strand, you can see the clock on the wall of the law courts down in Fleet Street." Now most people don't know this, wouldn't think it was possible, because there are a couple of hefty-looking churches in the middle of the road, and, er, you'd think they'd get in the way, but they don't! You can! And, er, it's, well, it's worth knowing. You can win a lot of money, he used to say, by betting on it with fellows who... who... who haven't found it out. [laughs nervously] And, by Jove, he was absolutely right. It-it really is a... a thing to remember. Yes, many's the quid I've won...

Headmistress:
[clears her throat loudly] Perhaps, Mr. Wooster, a story might be in order, some anecdote to illustrate the benefits of hard work, study, and healthy living?

Bertie Wooster:
A story! Right. Erm... never can remember stories. Oh! Yes, yes, here's one I heard recently. [laughs to himself] Erm... It seems that there was this chorus girl [the girls burst out laughing], and she met this stockbroker. And he said to her...

Bertie Wooster:
Am I wrong in thinking that all little girls are hard-bitten thugs of the worst description?

Jeeves:
Your definition is sadly near the truth, sir.