Las Vegas, Season 3

Delinda:
Do you know what it's like to have Big Ed Deline breathing down your neck every second of the day?

Danny:
Well, yeah.

Delinda:
That's right. I forgot. He did catch us in bed. It was fun. We should do it again sometime.

Monica:
You know, Danny, I haven't seen Samantha Marquez here.

Danny:
That's because she's not here.

Monica:
She seems to have disappeared with all her clients, which I don't have to tell you means millions of dollars to the Montecito's bottom line. I need those clients here on opening night.

Danny:
Nobody has seen or heard from Sam since she left.

Monica:
Well, given your impressive background, I don't think you're going to have too much trouble tracking her down.

Danny:
Well you don't know Sam. If she doesn't want to be found, she won't be.

Monica:
What is she, all of four foot nothing? Find her!

Danny:
Even if I did find her, what if she doesn't want to come back?

Monica:
Then I'll poach her clients.

Sam:
If that bitch thinks that she is going to get away with this, she has another think coming!

Danny:
It looks like she already has.

Monica:
So, Mike --

Mike:
Yes?

Monica:
What sort of impression do I make?

Mike:
Come again?

Monica:
If we were at a bar and you hadn't seen me before.

Mike:
Oh! Can I speak candidly?

Monica:
I insist you speak candidly.

Mike:
I think you are a hot piece of ass.

Monica:
Good answer.

Monica:
Come on, show some cleavage. It's a casino, not a convent.

Sam:
Tequila's like amnesia in a bottle for me.

Monica:
Who is she?

Danny:
Who is who?

Monica:
Come on. You wore the same suit yesterday. You have that pathetic, puppy dog grin on your face. My guess, some woman's got you by the 'nads. My advice: cut her loose. Women cannot be trusted.

Danny:
Okay.

Monica:
Hello? I know what I'm talking about.

Delinda:
I hate to say this, Sam, but you smell like a dog.

Sam:
Yeah! It's Beaumont, of Silver Springs. He's this big, goofy Great Dane. My whale's showing him at the competition.

Delinda:
How adorable!

Sam:
Yeah, he is. He reminds me of my first love, John Butler. I can't get over the resemblance.

Delinda:
Not the dog. The whale, right?

Sam:
Yeah, I have a date with him tonight. I feel like a girl. Let's sit down and talk about it!

Mike:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Check it out! Punch in camera eight on that cell. You got it? Looks like 555-0178. Find out who's number that is.

Delinda:
What's going on? She diss you? You've got to learn to take no for an answer.

Mitch:
That's a pay phone.

Mike:
Okay. I've been here before, remember? All we've got to do is tap into the pay phone's records. Find out what number called it at 3:48 p.m. today.

Mitch:
That's illegal, Mike. You can't access a public phone's records. Okay. [points at screen] She stole Ed's Aston Martin.

Delinda:
Daddy's car?!

Mike:
Yes.

Delinda:
You're dead.

Mike:
I know.

Delinda:
Good luck!

Bob:
Hey, sis!

Sam:
Hey sis. Who are you, Greg Brady? Who says things like that?

Sam:
Dear, God, please make them stop.

Mike:
Yeah, your brother and your boss. Not the most holy of unions.

Sam:
Nuh-uh. What am I gonna do?

Mike:
Ignore it.

Sam:
I'm trying, but I can't. I mean, this is interfering with my job. The time I've spent showering, alone.

Mike:
Showering?

Sam:
Should I talk to him? I should talk to him! Thanks, Mike!

Delinda:
Two words: Polyester.

Ed:
Two words: Calm down.

Delinda:
Don't tell me to calm down! You're not even listening to me!

Ed:
No, I'm not. I'm trying to study for my driver's test.

Delinda:
No one studies for their driver's test!

Ed:
Well not everyone has a genius IQ, sweetheart.

Delinda:
It does come in handy sometimes. Hey, quit changing the subject! This is a slippery slope, Daddy. I mean, first the wait-staff at Mystique wears polyester uniforms, then who knows what she'll suggest? Stripes with plaids? Denim on denim's? Skorts?!

Ed:
Skorts? What's a skort?

Delinda:
Where does it end, Daddy? Where??

Bob:
She touches me, Sam, to the soul and beyond.

Sam:
I'm going to slap you.

Bob:
We're soulmates, and I'm thinking she's going to be part of our family one day.

Sam:
I'm going to go throw up.

Delinda Deline:
Did you know I was a magician's assistance once?

Sam Marquez:
Why does that not surprise me?

Delinda Deline:
The Amazing Roger. He was super cute. I actually learned a few tricks myself.

Mike Cannon:
Really? Like what?

Delinda Deline:
Once we were driving home from a show, and I put my hand on his thigh and he turned into a motel.

Monica Mancuso:
[Looking at Mary and Sam's revealing tops] I'm sorry, did we open a Hooters?

Sam Marquez:
[Motioning to Monica's chest] If we did, you're in trouble.

Delinda:
So... you're my new boss.

Danny:
Yep.

Delinda:
Mmm...[Delinda opens her blouse and showing her bra] So, uh, if I do this,you could fire me?

Danny:
Yes!

Delinda:
[Delinda opens her blouse again] So I won't do that again.

Danny:
Would you stop that, please.

Delinda:
Yes, sir, Mr. President.

Danny McCoy:
.[Delinda walks away and opens her blouse again] Stop that.

Green Phantom:
Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Green Phantom!

Delinda:
Actually, you're costume is wrong.

Green:
What?

Delinda:
Your mask should be less Batman and more Zorro. Your cape's too long and your boots are all wrong, and hike up your pants for God's sake! You're supposed to be a super hero!

Delinda:
I guess it's just me and you, girl.

Sam:
Oy.

Sam:
Oh, great. Every casino host in town is here.

Delinda :
Aw, that's so sweet. They all came to pay their respects. What a nice little club you belong to.

Sam:
They're not here to pay their respects. They're all after J.W.'s black book!

Delinda:
That's not very nice.

Sam:
Casino hosts aren't very nice people.

Delinda:
But Sam, you're a casino host.

Sam:
Exactly.

Sam:
I smell whales.

Delinda:
I smell embalming fluid.

Delinda:
Did you hear about Monica?

Sam:
No, what?

Delinda:
Flew off the roof last night, landed over at the Wynn. Crashed right into the Manolo Blahnik one day sample sale.

Sam:
You're kidding! That was yesterday?

Delinda:
Check them out. [Shows Sam her black sandal pumps] Aren't they delicious?

Sam:
They're fabulous!

Sam:
I hate funerals. Pretending to mourn for someone you despised. Doesn't that bother you guys?

Delinda:
Not me. I like pretending.

Mary:
Now that we know Monica left it all to charity, I feel like maybe she was just misunderstood.

Sam:
Really? I feel like maybe she was just a bitch.

Danny:
Have a seat.

Delinda:
Shouldn't I be handcuffed?

Danny:
No. I'm just going to ask you a few questions.

Delinda:
Yes, you are the best sex ever. Have you ever done it in here?

Danny:
No. No, I haven't.

Delinda:
I bet you have, and you probably invited a few people to watch. I'd try that. I bet it would be fun.

Danny:
You know, you're the second person I've run into today that thought that.

Delinda:
So, you want to?

Danny:
No! I'm trying to conduct an interview here, Delinda, so just --

Delinda:
Okay! I'm sorry!

Danny:
Be professional. So, did you notice anything unusual at the video shoot?

Delinda:
I'm not wearing any panties.

Delinda:
Just so you know, before when I asked about you being sweet on me, I wasn't suggesting anything.

Danny:
Yes you were!

Delinda:
You wish I was!

Danny:
No, you were. The only thing that I wish is that we didn't have to beat around the bush. We're consenting adults, right?

Delinda:
Absolutely!

Danny:
Absolutely. I mean, if we want to have sex with each other we should just say so.

Delinda:
Absolutely.

Mike:
That reverse psychology stuff, that's cheating, Sam.

Sam:
Uh-huh. If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin', Mike.

Mike:
Damn.

Delinda:
[trips] Ouch!

Ed:
Honey, are you okay?

Delinda:
Ow! My shoe!

Mary:
Aren't those the shoes you got at the sale where Monica...

Delinda:
Yes. I'm still breaking them in, I guess.

Ed:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. You bought those shoes where she died?

Delinda:
They were on sale.

Mary:
Is that the infamous Paul Logan I see at BlackJack 22?

Sam:
Yep.

Mary:
He seems so --

Sam:
Stupid?

Mary:
I was going to say sophisticated.

Sam:
That's not sophisticated, it's British. Don't get confused.

Sam:
You've got to hand it to Monica.

Mary:
What?

Sam:
Even death can't keep that bitch from ruining my life.

Sam:
Who's the hottest server you have working right now?

Delinda:
I would have to say Steve. He has a nice, tight little ass.

Sam:
Not a guy. A female.

Delinda:
Are you thinking about switching teams again?

Sam:
I want someone to listen in and these two and report back to me.

Delinda:
Why, what's going on?

Sam:
Anything to do with the Montecito's gaming license or potential lack thereof effects my bottom line.

Delinda:
And you don't think they'll mind if some hot girl is just hovering around them?

Sam:
Listen to what you just said.

Delinda:
Was it fun being mean?

Sam:
Of course it is. Why do you think I do it all the time?

Sam:
Hey, you know what, Mary? My client over there, he's lost 250 grand.

Delinda:
He's really --

Sam:
Sad. Yeah.

Mary:
Aw.

Sam:
Yeah, he's sad. Listen, maybe you could just go over there and kind of be yourself.

Delinda:
Be super sweet!

Sam:
Yeah, be nice to him.

Mary:
Poor guy.

Sam:
Thanks, sweetie.

Delinda:
Thanks, Mar. She does come in handy.

Sam:
She does come in handy sometimes.

Mary:
That's sweet.

Sam:
Yeah, sweet. He's up on us by over a million dollars. Why are you still such a hopeless romantic? You're weird.

Mary:
You're weird! And another thing, Lipworth is spending a lot more than a mil on this wedding. So while your commission might be affected by the fact that he stopped playing, the Montecito will still come out way ahead, which is all I care about!

Sam:
Pretty sassy there sassafrass.

Mary:
Is it too much?

Sam:
I like it.

Mary:
I'm still working on it.

Mary:
[runs up, frantic] Hey, hey. Have you guys seen Danny?

Sam:
No. It's not my turn to watch him.

Delinda:
[watches as Mary runs away in search of Danny] She gets weirder every day.

Sam:
Dr. Paul's love movement is a scary cult.

Delinda:
He makes more money than Kabbalah and Scientology combined.

Sam:
Cult! He's got one of my whales convinced that if I throw a flower in front of each of the doors on his floor that love will come to him.

Delinda:
[smells flower] They are beautiful.

Sam:
You're so easy.

Delinda:
You're so bitter.

Danny:
Sam, you heard of Sexiest Bachelors of Vegas calendar?

Sam:
Yeah, of course.Everyone has. Roberto, my colorist,he has it up on the wall in his salon, and all the boys make bets on who they can get to bite the pillow first.

Mike:
You're kidding?

Sam:
No, he does pretty well for himself,actually.Last year, he nailed Mr. July, Mr. December....

Danny:
So this is a- a gay calendar?

Sam:
Yeah, it's the gayest.Why?

Mike:
No reason.

Sam:
You guys posed for the calendar?

Mike:
Huh? No. You kidding?

Sam:
She got you with the puppies?

Danny:
They were so cute.

Mike:
Danny...Danny...

Sam:
What is it with boys and dogs...When does that come out?

Mike:
We don't know what you're talking about.

Sam:
Oh. You know what? I have to go.I don't have time for this.I have to go, uh, tell everybody. Heeehaaa!! [Sam laughs and runs away.]

Danny and Mike:
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam!

Mike:
This is very, very, very bad.

Danny:
This is worse than bad.

Sam:
[sees Delinda smiling as she walks by] You had sex, didn't you?

Delinda:
Excuse me?

Sam:
Who did you have sex with, hooker?

Delinda:
Okay, I had sex, but with no one you know.

Sam:
Really? I know quite a few people in this town. Try me.

Delinda:
Well, he doesn't even live here. He travels a lot. He's a professional bowler.

Sam:
[disbelieving] You had sex with a bowler?

Delinda:
[nods but realizes she's had] Never. I had sex with Danny.

Sam:
Danny?

Delinda:
Yeah.

Sam:
I don't know if that's cool or not. What about Mary?

Delinda:
Look, it's nothing. Anyway, Mary and Danny are over. Ask Danny.

Ed:
When was the last time you had a vacation?

Sam:
I don't know. Clinton was in office.

Sam:
Delinda, listen to me: no one listens to advice. They think they do, but they don't. So it doesn't matter what I say. You're going to do what you want in the end and that's okay.

Delinda:
Fine. I'll go ask Mary then.

Sam:
Perfect.

Delinda:
What?

Sam:
What do you mean, what? You know! When you decided to start sleeping with Danny again, did you tell Mary?

Delinda:
Of course not!

Sam:
Why?

Delinda:
Because they've been over for more than a year!

Sam:
And?!

Delinda:
Because it might hurt her feelings!

Sam:
And did you tell Derek?

Delinda:
Of course, I tell him everything!

Sam:
Delinda, listen to me, before you marry this guy, or don't marry him, and especially before you walk around asking everybody a bunch of girly questions, you need to make sure that your ducks are in a row.

Delinda:
So you think I should tell Mary about Danny?

Sam:
Everything always comes out eventually and she needs to hear it from you before she hears it from somebody else.

Delinda:
You don't think she still loves Danny, do you?

Sam:
What?! The sun always rises in the east, you always get hungry a half hour after you eat Chinese food, and Mary Connell will always love Danny McCoy.

Delinda:
I'm going to tell Mary about you and me.

Danny:
What? Why?

Delinda:
I'm getting my ducks in a row.

Danny:
I think you should tell your ducks to keep their bills shut. Have you been talking to Sam? What is this?

Delinda:
How did you know?

Mike:
Delinda, do you see this guy I've been watching at the bar. Mr. McKeen. He and his wife are perfectly compatible.

Delinda:
And look how happy they are.

Mike:
That's not his wife!

Derek:
Danny, you got a minute?

Danny:
Yeah, what's up?

Derek:
Well, I just found out some of my colleagues aren't going to be able to make the wedding tomorrow.

Danny:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Derek:
Yeah, well one of them was supposed to be my best man, and I would like you to step in.

Danny:
Excuse me?

Derek:
Be my best man!

Danny:
I don't know.

Derek:
You are the one who convinced me to marry Delinda, and you guys are such great friends. Come on!

Danny:
Getting married was not my idea, Derek.

Derek:
You are so modest. I guess that's why Delinda likes you. She's like 'Danny, Danny, Danny.' It's all she ever talks about.

Sam:
I can't believe we don't have dates. I mean, look at us. We're hot. I know, I know, I'm hotter than you because I'm the whole package, but still. You should be able to dig up and old ho with that whole pretty boy thing you've got going on.

Danny:
[sarcastically] Thank you.

Sam:
Good luck with that.

Danny:
Thanks for the vote of confidence!

Delinda:
[hears Danny knock] Come in.

Danny:
What's up? [sees Delinda in her wedding dress] Wow.

Delinda:
Do you like?

Danny:
Wow.

Delinda:
Stop saying wow. Say something else.

Danny:
You look beautiful.

Delinda:
Really?

Danny:
Yeah.

Ed:
[speaking of Delinda and Danny] Is something going on between you two?

Delinda:
No! No. No, Danny's just -- he's just been feeling a little left out. You know, you've been spending a lot of time with Derek.

Ed:
Well, I mean, that's because he's about to become my son in law.

Delinda:
No, I know. Just spend a little time with Danny, too. You're like a father to him.