Las Vegas, Season 4

Sam:
[to Mike about Ed] What do you mean a heart attack? Oh, that's great. He probably found out Delinda and Danny were sleeping together again.

Mary:
Is that true?

Mike:
No, no!

Sam:
No, Mary, it's not true.

Mary:
Am I the only one who didn't know about Danny and Delinda?

Sam:
Well, you and Ed.

Mike:
Please don't have a heart attack, Mary.

Jillian:
What's going on?

Delinda:
I've been trying to tell everyone.

Jillian:
Are you in love with Danny? [watches as her daughter nods] Oh, honey.

Delinda:
Hey. [kisses him] Thanks.

Danny:
For what?

Delinda:
[smiles] For feeling the same way about me that I feel about you. [stops smiling] You do feel the same way about me, don't you?

Danny:
[laughs] Yes. [walks away to find Ed]

Jillian:
Don't screw this up, Delinda.

Delinda:
I won't.

Delinda:
You know, don't you?

Mary:
Last one to know everything.

Delinda:
I wanted to tell you, but then Derek showed up and things just got out of hand.

Mary:
Got out of hand?! Is that how you explain what's been going on?

Delinda:
Look, I'm sorry --

Mary:
Delinda, I don't want to talk about this.

Danny:
You okay?

Delinda:
Yeah. It's just been a wild last few days.

Danny:
Yeah, it has.

Delinda:
Mary's pissed at me.

Danny:
Me too.

Delinda:
Now what?

Danny:
Let's see what happens.

Delinda:
What if I screw it up again?

Danny:
I won't let that happen.

Danny:
Everybody knows! You saw the way they were looking at us in there.

Delinda:
Who cares who knows?

Danny:
While your dad's away, I'm in charge. I'm supposed to be setting an example here.

Delinda:
The whole thing's a joke, Danny. People should just behave or we wouldn't need stupid seminars. [grabs his butt]

Danny:
Are you into the whole group sex thing, now?

Delinda:
No, not for years. It's just that guy Myles was such a dweeb, I just wanted to see him squirm a little.

Danny:
What do you think we should do about this whole employee fraternization thing?

Delinda:
Here's what we should do. [kisses him] You're my boyfriend and I don't care who knows it.

Danny:
Want to meet upstairs in fifteen minutes?

Delinda:
Make it ten.

Danny:
Okay.

Danny:
What's this? You and Shannon? You learned nothing from that seminar?

Mike:
The pot calling kettle. Who's talking?

Danny:
Mine is a preexisting condition!

Mary:
Why didn't you have the decency to tell me?

Delinda Deline:
Now's not exactly the best time for us to chat.

Mary:
[to the bartender] Take a walk.

Delinda:
I thought you weren't talking to me.

Mary:
Oh, I'm not talking to you. I'm yelling at you.

Delinda:
You know what? I'm tired of walking on eggshells around you. Danny wanted to marry you. You gave him his ring back. It's over! You don't have dibs on him anymore, so get over it!

Mary:
Poor Derek. He never even saw it coming.

Delinda:
Well maybe poor Derek and poor Mary should get together and trade sob stories.

Mary:
You'd like that, wouldn't you? I swear, you are just pathological.

Delinda:
Now you're talking out of your ass.

Sam:
You think I'm mean?

Vic:
It doesn't matter. I can totally handle it. In fact, I kind of dig it.

Sam:
Okay, I'm going to try and say this in the nicest way. I think you should go back to Hawaii, because if you don't, I will have Ed Deline kill you.

Danny:
[kissing Delinda] Do you realize how great this is?

Delinda:
What? The sex?

Danny:
The whole thing: sex, we like to hang out together, we make each other laugh.

Delinda:
You going to waste time talking about feelings or you want to get busy?

Delinda:
Before we start, since this is our first real date, let's pretend like we just met. That we're just getting to know each other.

Danny:
That's kind of lame.

Delinda:
No it's not! Just tell me something about you I don't already know. Something embarrassing.

Danny:
I stole a pack of gum when I was eight.

Delinda:
That's not embarrassing.

Danny:
Okay, well top it!

Delinda:
Okay. I once fell asleep in my own vomit.

Danny:
Outstanding! [they high-five]

Mr. Chips:
I have no intention of killing you.

Ed:
That's funny, because I have every intention of killing you.

Mr. Chips:
I do, however, have no problem at all killing your daughter.

Ed:
Do you know how many laws you just broke?

Danny:
I don't care. All I care about is getting Delinda back.

Ed:
I'm just saying, I like the attitude. You just bought us some time. It'll force them to plan B.

Danny:
What about our plan?

Ed:
Our plan? Get my daughter back and kill them all.

Delinda Deline:
You're never going to get away.

Mr. Chips:
If that's the case, why not kill you right now?

Delinda:
Because you need me. I'm the only chip you've got left, Chips.

Chips:
I've got 50 million chips, blondie. You're just chump change to me.

Delinda:
You're going to die, you know. They shut down your airport. It's only a matter of time.

Chips:
By the time the police figure any of this out I'll be on a beach earning twenty percent. [Delinda laughs] I'm glad you think this is all funny.

Delinda:
What's funny is you actually think the police will be involved. There will be no police, no FBI. There will only be men whose sole responsibility will be to hunt you down and kill you. All of you. And they will. They always do.

Chips:
[on the phone] What did you just say to me?

Ed:
I said no. Listen to me, you scumbag. The deal was the money for my daughter. Now if you had just given her back all of this crap would be over. Now it's my show and I'm not letting you leave. [hangs up]

Delinda:
Sucks to be you.

Delinda:
Hey, I need a few annoying habits of Danny's. I have a list going.

Sam:
I can't help you.

Delinda:
You don't think there's anything annoying about Danny?

Sam:
I think there are about a million things, but I don't have the four hours necessary to get into it.

[...]

Sam:
Okay, how about the fact that he's a little too chummy-chummy with your father. That's creepy.

Delinda:
You're right.

Sam:
And have you ever noticed that every time that boy walks past a mirror he's got to look in it? [turns to see Delinda fixing her hair in a reflective sign] You guys will be great.

Delinda:
Wait, what did you say after mirror?

Sam:
Men are pigs. Those two are oinkers.

Delinda:
I just want our first Christmas together to be special, do you know what I mean?

Sam:
He is just pissing away his money.

Delinda:
Isn't that what we want?

Sam:
Of course it's what we want, but we want people to piss away their money correctly.

Delinda:
Oh. I didn't know there was a correct way to piss away money.

Sam:
Well there is! Now what is it you're going on about?

Delinda:
It's Danny and mine's first Christmas. I'm planning a special, candlelit romantic Christmas Eve dinner. Then a little cuddling by the fire --

Sam:
Okay, hold it. I don't want to hear about you and Danny playing hide the salami in front of the fireplace or under the Christmas tree.

Delinda:
Why does everyone think that's all we do?

Sam:
Because you two couldn't stop banging each other if your lives depended on it. [Delinda smiles] In fact, I'm surprised you two aren't permanently attached at the crotch.

Delinda:
I have no idea what to get Sam for Christmas.

Mary:
How about anti-evil pills? Oh, that's right, the ones she got last year didn't do the trick.

Delinda:
I think I know what would ease all this tension.

Danny:
What? Oh! Oh.

Delinda:
I'll see you at home.

Danny:
Okay, I'll finish my rounds and I'll meet you there.

Danny:
Baby, I'm home. Sorry I'm late, I had to 86 a couple of card cheats. But I'm here now.

Delinda:
I made a reservation, you gotta come.

Danny:
Wait. Where's the Frisky Ferret? I thought we were...

Delinda:
Oh, honey, I already did. What? You were late! Let's go. I'm starving.

Sam:
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Where's Delinda? My whale needs the booth bottle service at Mystique.

Danny:
I don't know where she is.

Sam:
I've been calling her, she hasn't answered. You know, she seems like she's really hard to get ahold of ever since she got that Frisky Ferret.

Danny:
She told you about that?

Sam:
Of course. The Frisky Ferret used to be my favorite till I traded up.

Danny:
Traded up?

Sam:
To the Angry Anaconda. Mmm...

Danny:
You know what? I'm not even worried about it. 'Cause it's not like a little sex toy's ever gonna replace the real thing.

Sam:
Oh. Okay, good. All right. Well, you keep telling yourself that. (CHUCKLlNG) It's just It's so hard to find a decent guy. And then you have to pretend like you want to wait so he doesn't think you're a slut.

Delinda:
I never waited, and no one ever thought I was... Besides, you don't have to wait till you're in a relationship. Have you ever heard of the Frisky Ferret?

Mary:
Oh, I'm guessing a battery-powered device.

Delinda:
More like a battery-powered endless source of pleasure.

Mary:
That good, huh?

Delinda:
Better.

Mary:
Ooh!

Delinda:
I'll get you the catalog.

Delinda:
Hey.

Danny:
What's up? We're headed out to North Vegas.

Denlida:
Mmm.

Danny:
Sorry I didn't make it home last night.

Delinda:
That's okay. I kept busy. (BLENDER WHlRRlNG)

Delinda:
I tried to stay up until you got home last night, but I was completely spent.

Danny:
Spent?

Delinda:
Yeah. But I slept really well.

Danny:
So I thought we could figure out a way to use up all this energy.

Delinda:
Oh, yeah? Mmm-hmm I'll be right back.

Danny:
Okay.

(ELECTRONlC BUZZlNG)

Danny:
All right. Delinda! We need to talk about this. You can't just get up in the middle of...

Delinda:
I had spinach in my teeth. What? Danny, what's going on? You didn't just suddenly develop a phobia to oral hygiene, did you?

Danny:
I just I thought it was the Frisky Ferret. I thought that you were in there. I thought that you were in there, you know...

Delinda:
Why would I do that when I have the real thing right here?

Danny:
Because you would rather have the tractor in your field than the mule in your Mike's an idiot. Look, I think that we have an amazing sex life and I don't need sex toys or erotic accessories to make me happy. I just need you.

Delinda:
I feel the exact same way, Danny.

Danny:
Good.

Delinda:
So if this is about the Frisky Ferret, let's just get rid of it. We good?

Danny:
Yeah. Good.

Delinda:
'Cause I'd rather be here with you like this, than lying alone, half-undressed, in the middle of the day, fantasizing about you and me doing it on a picnic bench in the middle of the woods.

Danny:
What do you mean?

Delinda:
You know. Bra, blouse, nothing else. Except my boots. And I'm getting a few splinters, but I kind of like it. And any moment we might be discovered. It's just something that gets me really excited. But don't worry. That's all over.

Danny:
I'll be right back.

(ELECTRONlC BUZZlNG)

Delinda:
Danny! (DELlNDA LAUGHlNG)

Polly:
I have lost the will to work.

Sam:
You're Korean.

Polly:
Hard to believe, I know.

Polly:
After I find new boyfriend, I work, maybe six month.

Samantha:
How about if I get Chul Ho back for you.

Polly:
No way. He go to L.A., already look for better girlfriend with a tight booty bounce quarter off and big hooter, plastic.

Doctor Sassen:
Your handshake -- it's like a little girl's.

Ed:
Here's an idea for ya. How about I crack you right in the mouth. And that way you...(recognizes trickery, starts to laugh uneasily) That was a test. You had me there good.

Doctor Sassen:
I just wanted to get a sense of what I'm dealing with here.

Anger Management Doctor:
Okay Ed, how would you react if a man stood right in front of you and said he was gonna knock your teeth down your throat?

Ed:
Well doc, you see the first thing you do is kinda take a half a step to the right so you can't get hit with a straight right-hand,, then I take my thumb and I go right for this eyeball (making a move for the doc's right eyeball to show him)

Anger Management Doctor:
No!

Ed:
No?

Anger Management Doctor':
No.

Mike:
I hate this town

Ed:
I'm taking your mom to Paris for Valentines Day.

Delinda:
I thought you hated France.

Ed:
The French...not France.

Danny:
Well, if he took the thing, he's obviously a thief.

Mike:
So, what do you want to do?

Ed:
I guess there's only one thing we can do. We're gonna steal it back, boys.

(Ed, Mike and Danny talking about stealing the already stolen mummy back, Mikes having a few concerns)

Ed:
Listen, no one is going to jail, okay? All we're doing is simply reclaiming something that belongs to us, now are you in or out?

Danny:
I'm In.

Mike:
One condition, if we go to jail I get the top bunk.

Ed:
If we go to jail you pretty boys wont have to worry about it, you wont be getting much sleep. :(laughs) know what I mean?

Lifting the mummy's coffin into the Moncetio's loading bay.

Danny:
This is pretty light?

Mike:
Well the dude hasn't eaten in the last 3000 odd years.

Sam:
I need a favor.

Delinda:
What's up?

Sam:
I need you to be Asad Sumar's casino host for at least a day.

Delinda:
What?

Sam:
I know he bought you that expensive dress, if you say no you'll look like a money grubbing whore.

Delinda:
You know about the dress?

Sam:
Everybody knows about the dress.

Delinda:
Even Danny?

Sam:
He's actually a little smarter than he looks, isn't he?

Delinda:
I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass.

Sam:
I know. Your ass is pretty popular these days, so that's nice isn't it? Will you do this for me? Pretty please?

Delinda:
He's pissed at me.

Sam:
Well since he's pissed at you, maybe you should pass the time by, say, making some extra money and filling in for me.

Delinda:
How much extra?

Sam:
Well it would be enough to pay Asad back for that dress if you are stupid enough to do it.

Delinda:
You've got yourself a deal.

Delinda:
You like someone.

Sam:
No I don't. [pause] You just worry about Asad. I'll worry about not liking someone.

Danny:
When you woke up she knocked you out ? Hehehe.

Mike:
Yes and keep this between us.

Danny:
Of course why will say that it is embarassing.

Mike:
Great, thanks.

Danny:
Mike Canon aka peanuthead got his ass kicked by a girl.