Law & Order, Season 13

McCoy:
[about Branch] Nice fella.

Southerlyn:
And his politics?

McCoy:
[pause] Nice fella.

[Phil calls Ed a primate repeatedly]

Green:
I want to ask your opinion on Einstein's theory because I'm not sure he was right.

Phil:
Headline: 'Cop Cracks Relativity'.

Green:
No, not that theory, Phil. His theory on genius. See - and correct me if I'm wrong - Einstein argued that genius has no personality. But after talking to you for this short amount of time, I realize that you actually prove the negative. You definitely have personality. [threatening] And it makes this primate want to whoop your ass. Now say somethin'.

Briscoe:
[grinning] That's my partner!

McCoy:
Never get Freudian with a man holding a pickle.

Southerlyn:
[about a sympathetic young woman on trial for murder] I thought you said no jury would convict Little Orphan Annie.

McCoy:
I did. Lizzie Borden is a different matter.

Branch:
Since when does freedom of speech apply only to the nattering nabobs of negativism?

Southerlyn:
The victim was Patty Voytek. She's some big rock star...

Branch:
I have a 16-year-old granddaughter; I know exactly who she is.

[having heard of Detective Green's actions against Otum, Van Buren calls him and Briscoe into her office]

Lt. Van Buren:
You're on desk.

[Green sighs]

Briscoe:
Hey, a week or so tops. It'll all be straightened out.

Lt. Van Buren:
Excuse me. Both of you. [to Briscoe] You were the only witness. [to Green] Otum names the city, the department, and you individually in his suit. He claims you profiled him.

Green:
Right. He's a drug dealer and a murder!

Lt. Van Buren:
And he's black!

Green:
Have you looked at me recently?!

Lt. Van Buren:
[lifts a finger] He also claims that you never identified yourselves as cops!

Briscoe:
Come on! I said police!

Lt. Van Buren:
And the icing on the cake is the pounding he took with snapshots to prove it!

[she shows her detectives said snapshots]

[Briscoe and Green enter Borges' apartment]

Green:
Ernest Borges?

Borges:
I don't like surprises.

Briscoe:
Well, you're gonna hate this one.

Green:
Get up.

[Borges gets up off his couch; Green slaps the cuffs on him]

Green:
Ernest Borges, you're under arrest for, among other things, the murder of Lucy Dolan. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law.

[after Briscoe and Green have arrested Borges for Lucy Dolan's murder]

Southerlyn:
Ballistics came back from the gun from Borges' apartment. It's the murder weapon.

McCoy:
His lawyer's already itching for a sit-down.

Southerlyn:
And we can't find a connection between Borges and Otum, Carton, or Johnson.

Branch:
You filed the appropriate papers for their release?

McCoy:
In the works. Maynard was so busy slandering Lucy Dolan, he forgot to do his homework.

Branch:
Truth is, I always thought either Carton or Johnson would roll on Otum.

Southerlyn:
Are you saying that all of this was part of Trial Tricks 102?

Branch:
That or a big, juicy mea culpa.

McCoy:
All 3 of them should put Serena on their Christmas card lists.

Southerlyn:
I just wish that there was a way to prevent all of this from happening again.

Branch:
There is. Move to Illinois.

McCoy:
I think he's pulling your leg, Serena.

Branch:
You know, this whole affair makes you think twice.

McCoy:
About the death penalty?

Branch:
About where to buy you a steak.

Melnick:
Hello, Jack. Okay, let's talk turkey. What are you up to? And don't give me that party line about Preuss being a threat to society.

McCoy:
When you argue, I have this compulsive need to argue back.

[the detectives want Southerlyn to deal with a gang of white supremacists]

Southerlyn:
What, you think they'll talk to me?

Green:
Blonde hair, blue eyes...Hell, if you're lucky, they'll put you in a poster.

Southerlyn:
[sarcastically] Gee, thanks.

[after Melnick has been shot]

Briscoe:
Better be careful, Jack. Looks like it's open season on lawyers.

Clerk:
Docket #423763. People vs. Jacqueline Scott. Charge is murder in the first degree.

Judge Goldberg:
That's as good as it gets. What's your plea?

Scott:
Not guilty, your honor.

Brolin:
My client is a valued member of the community. She employs thousands of New Yorkers who depend on her for their salary.

Judge Goldberg:
Does she have a cat? I like cats.

Southerlyn:
The state asks for remand without bail. Miss Scott's wealth makes her a flight risk.

Brolin:
Since when is financial success a criminal offense?

Judge Goldberg:
So, let's say we make her that much less offensive. Bail is set at 2,000,000 cash.

Southerlyn:
Your honor, this defendant could hop on a private plane as easily as you and I could get on the subway.

Judge Goldberg:
But can she get a cab in the rain? I'll take your passport, too, Miss Scott.

Southerlyn:
For added assurance, the People also request an electronic ankle bracelet and house arrest.

Judge Goldberg:
Don't fret, Miss Scott. Maybe you can cook up some matching accessories. [bangs gavel] Next.

Scott:
Do you have any idea how much I pay in city taxes?

Briscoe:
I do; I want to thank you for these new shoes.

Stevie:
So what, you get some kind of raise for every brother you bring in?

Green:
That's right man, for every 10 I bring in I get an extra day's pay. If he's got a big mouth, I get 2 days. If I bring him in a little bloody, The Man gives me a damn toaster oven!

Cushman:
Tell him there's no one out there gunning for me.

Briscoe:
Well, we can't confirm or deny.

Cushman:
Yeah, right. All those parking tickets, I knew I should have worn a Kevlar bra.

[Green stayed up all night with an alcoholic to get a lead in a murder case]

Lt. Van Buren:
5 hours? I hope to hell he called you in the morning.

Green:
Hey, the best way to get a drunk to open his mouth is to let him drink, isn't that right, Lennie?

Briscoe:
Hear, hear!

Lt. Van Buren:
You make one hell of a bad cop!

Briscoe:
Practice, practice, practice. I give him about 10 minutes with Ed before he starts to sing.

Lt. Van Buren:
Our luck, he sings as bad as he lies.

McCoy:
[at a self-proclaimed psychic's trial] So, how will this trial turn out?

Defense attorney:
Objection!

Judge:
Very funny, Mr. McCoy. Please don't do that again.

McCoy:
Masters might not be as crazy as he looks. Last year, 50 million people paid 50 bucks to watch 6 psychics talk to George Washington on pay-per-view.

Branch:
What's the point? I hear the old boy wasn't such a great interview when he was alive.

Clerk:
Docket #534687. People vs. Reynaldo Celaya. Murder in the first degree.

Judge Goldberg:
And the plea?

Reynaldo:
Not guilty, your honor.

Judge Goldberg:
There's a first. Miss Southerlyn?

Southerlyn:
The defendant shot and killed his brother's wife within days of being released from prison. Bail shouldn't even be a consideration.

Judge Goldberg:
I don't suppose you agree with that.

Clemens:
Bail schmail. What's a couple of days in Rikers after 10 years in Attica? Not gonna waste your time, your honor.

Judge Goldberg:
You know what, counselor? This is a first.

[just as Reynaldo is escorted out, Rafael jumps out of his seat and confronts his brother]

Rafael:
¡Tu eres un demonio! ¡Asesino!

Reynaldo:
¡Era mi esposa!

Rafael:
[shouts back in Spanish]

Reynaldo:
Not if I kill you first!!

Rafael:
¡Yo te mato! ¡Yo te mato! ¡Es mi esposa!

Reynaldo:
She's my wife! Cabron, she's my wife!

Rafael:
¡¡ASESINO!! [shouts in Spanish] ¡Reynaldo, yo te mato! ¡Asesino! ¡ASESINO!

[both brothers are separately escorted out of the courtroom]

Judge Goldberg:
Hmm. Nothing like a little excitement to get the heart pumping. What's next on the menu?

Clerk:
Docket #534781. People vs. Clara Perazzo. Charge is murder in the second degree.

Judge Goldberg:
Surprise me, Miss Perazzo.

Clara:
I don't know what you mean.

Judge Goldberg:
I need a plea. Did you do it?

Clara:
Yes!

Berman:
I don't think my client understands, your honor.

Clara:
I understand perfectly. I killed the SOB.

Berman:
She's obviously mentally disturbed.

Southerlyn:
The defendant killed her husband, your honor.

Berman:
She ran him over 4 times with her car.

Judge Goldberg:
I admire her restraint.

Berman:
I object!

Judge Goldberg:
Cool your jets, counselor. Shall we take this from the top?

Clara:
No need to, your honor. Dom is dead, and I did it. I knew exactly what I was doing.

Judge Goldberg:
I'm not supposed to express personal opinions in the courtroom, but I gotta tell you, Miss Perazzo, you make me proud to be an American.

Clara:
Thank you.

Judge Goldberg:
Cheating on you, was he?

Clara:
Yeah! But I could live with that. I could live with his perversions. But I won't go under the knife for anyone! [points at her breasts] These were good enough for him when we got married!

Clerk:
Docket #675834. People v. Montgomery Bender. Charge is sexual abuse in the first degree.

Judge Torledsky:
Shame on you.

Granick:
The charges aren't just speculative, your honor. They're outlandish. Mr. Bender happens to be...

Judge Torledsky:
I know exactly who he is.

Granick:
Then you'll know he's a target for any nut job who wants to put a couple of bucks in his pockets.

Judge Torledsky:
Can I take that as a "not guilty"?

Monty:
That's correct, Judge.

Southerlyn:
The People request remand, your honor.

Granick:
That's a little harsh, don't you think? Considering you don't have a complaining witness?

Southerlyn:
The nut job in this case was 11 years old at the time of the illegal act. It's understandable that he's a little hesitant.

Granick:
Because nothing happened.

Judge Torledsky:
Bail is set at $1,000,000, and you'll be happy to know, Mr. Bender, that 10 of those dollars are mine. More, if you get a piece of the popcorn. Next!

Green:
People get around stars, they get stupid.

Briscoe:
Waiting in line to see Madonna is stupid. This is a felony.

Hagen:
C'mon, guys. It's not like I'm the first man on the planet to step out on his wife.

Green:
You ain't the first man whose mistress ended up dead, either.

Serena:
People ask that the suspect be remanded without bail, Your Honor.

Judge Goldberg:
What are we having today, a special on chutzpah? Bail is set at $500,000. Do you have that on you, Mr. Hagen, or do you need a few minutes?

Branch:
The Hagen women stand by their men. It's part of their vows: "I promise to love, honor, respect and obey, and let you run around with as many women as you want."

McCoy:
Even if he kills them.

Branch:
They're not that picky.

Green:
Took one in the back of the head. Close range, small caliber. No exit wound, no brass. Very tidy. Very professional.

Briscoe:
Yeah, what do you bet there's no prints, either?

Green:
Well, we'd better find Mrs. Rosatti, tell her her husband's dead.

Briscoe:
If she doesn't already know.

Green:
Man, you are such a cynic when it comes to love.

Briscoe:
Not love. Marriage.

David:
Do either of you speak French?

Green:
A little.

David:
Good, then you'll understand what I mean when I say my father was a schmuck.

Lt. Van Buren:
What is it with the male of the species?

Briscoe:
Got a couple of months?

Lt. Van Buren:
I'm referring to the way you can just about melt in front of a guy who can hit a ball with a bat.

Green:
All I said was that if the kid stays healthy, he's a lock for Cooperstown.

Lt. Van Buren:
Yeah, only it was how you said it.

Green:
How'd I say it?

Lt. Van Buren:
Like a 6-year-old talking about a banana split.

McCoy:
This has to be a first: a lawyer's negligence benefiting his case.

Briscoe:
My ex-wife talked me into seeing a counselor, and the counselor talked me into getting a divorce.

Serena:
[about the Falun Gong protestors] You should have seen them, Jack. Talk about weird. They were just frozen there like statues.

McCoy:
In this country, weird's allowed.

Lt. Van Buren:
You're only as happy as your unhappiest kid.

McCoy:
Feeling good, are we?

Serena:
It really makes my day when a mother kills her son for no reason whatsoever.

McCoy:
Call Hallmark. Maybe they'll print up a special card.

McCoy:
I'm willing to go down to Man-2

Mr. Dworkin:
Don't think I'm not an appreciative sort, but I'm going to have to say no on this one. It turns out there are more things to consider than guilt or innocence.

McCoy:
Like a stacked jury?

Mr. Dworkin:
[sarcastically] Yeah, that's right. Those people, they all stick together. It's kind of like back in the day, when Billy Ray was on trial for lynching po' Willie for looking at Betty Lou the wrong way, and the jury was Goomer and Willie and Bo.

Serena:
It is hardly the same thing.

Mr. Dworkin:
Why, because we're the chosen people? In that case, [affects Southern accent] I wish ya'll would choose someone else for a change.

[after Mr. Strelzik is convicted of the murder, Mr. Dworkin joins McCoy and Southerlyn for dinner at a restaurant]

Mr. Dworkin:
May I?

McCoy:
[scoots over] Help yourself.

Mr. Dworkin:
Hell of a job. You're top of the legal food chain, Jack. No question about it.

Serena:
You're not upset?

Mr. Dworkin:
[takes his seat] Hey, giving money to Israel's a good thing. Everyone should do it. Murder on the other hand... [raises his glass] Here's to hoping the big guy upstairs has a little more sympathy for Mr. Strelzik than did the people of the state of New York.

[Briscoe tries to get a murder suspect to confess by talking about his own murdered daughter]

Briscoe:
She was 24. A guy like Giddens killed her.

Parker:
He go to jail?

Briscoe:
[quietly] Yeah. Thing is, I get up every morning, I shave, I brush my teeth, and I kick myself for not putting a .38 slug between his eyes. Maybe then...

Parker:
Do not say closure. No such thing. This is great. My kid dies, and no one lifts a finger. Someone kills this creep, here you are with a thousand questions.

Briscoe:
Not a thousand, Bill. Just 1.

Branch:
Justification?

Serena:
"Yes, I killed, but God told me to."

Branch:
You gotta admit, it's a lot more creative than "the Devil made me do it".

McCoy:
Next stop, virgin sacrifices.

McCoy:
Smile, Serena. This is our Inherit the Wind. This is where we get to prove in a court of law that there is no big guy up there with the white beard pulling invisible strings.

Serena:
So what exactly did those nuns do to you?

Mrs. Trevanza:
Get the hell out!

Briscoe:
[to Green] Don't you just love innocent bystanders?

Briscoe:
Will's what you call "old-fashioned".

Green:
You mean prehistoric.

Briscoe:
And yet he's entertaining, in a Neanderthal sort of way.

McCoy:
Last I heard, stupid is not a defense to murder.

[Connors has just been caught suborning perjury]

Connors:
30 years I've been at this. 30 years trying to knock 6 months to a year off the sentence of some piece of dirt who, when all is said and done, is gonna rot in Hell anyway. That's some way to measure your life, isn't it? Counting the time that murderers aren't in prison. I have measured out my life in coffee spoons. Couple bucks here and there. A week in Miami Beach twice a year. What about you, Jack? Who are you?

McCoy:
I do what my job requires.

Connors:
That's not enough for me. For once in my sorry life, I dared to eat the peach.

Serena:
Not that it matters, but does he feel any kind of remorse at all?

Dr. Skoda:
No. Clay Warner couldn't care less about anyone.

McCoy:
I can't think of a better candidate for execution.

Policeman:
[examining the victim] Gunshot wound. We need to order an autopsy to determine whether it was self-inflicted.

Briscoe:
You think she shot herself before or after she jumped?

McCoy:
4 people got on the boat, one got off. The math's not difficult.

Sean:
I don't like boats. They dropped me off in Greenport. Darrell and everybody were fine.

Serena:
Yeah, there is that pirate problem.

Briscoe:
Were you home all evening, Mr Scofield?

Scofield:
Except for my constitutional, which I take every evening religiously at 8 o'clock.

Green:
Your "constitutional"?

Briscoe:
You should watch more Masterpiece Theatre, Ed.

McCoy:
Scofield has been standing over the oven for twenty-five years. He thought it was about time he got a taste of the pie.

Serena:
Now Scofield's out and Anchin's in. That's going to be a hard pill for the parents of the Knowles School to swallow.

Branch:
Oh, they'll get over it, once they forget about where his money came from.

McCoy:
It's the American way: yesterday's robber baron is tomorrow's philanthropist.

Serena:
What you're really trying to say is cash trumps merit every time.

Branch:
And twice on Sundays!

Briscoe:
You know, Ed, I've heard about this, but I never thought it could actually happen.

Green:
What?

Briscoe:
She shopped 'til she dropped.

Briscoe:
Full-contact modeling. Now there's a Pay-Per-View special I'd ante up for.

Green:
What'd you find out?

Briscoe:
Could have been a stray bullet.

Green:
6 inches to the right, she'd still be here.

Briscoe:
6 inches to the right and Lincoln would have seen the end of the play.

McCoy:
There's always a chance Justin could be rehabilitated, Arthur.

Branch:
4 dead? I don't think he's earned that chance. And I also think my senior prosecutor should agree with it.

McCoy:
I do.

Serena:
But...?

McCoy:
I'm a father.

[Green has just taken a call after working a long, exhausting shift with Briscoe.]

Green:
Damn!

Briscoe:
What?

Green:
We got a jumper.

Briscoe:
I may join him.