Leverage, Season 1

Victor Dubenich:
You've saved your insurance company…I don't know, hundreds of millions of dollars. But, I just know that when you needed them… What happened to your family was the kind of thing—

Nathan Ford:
You know the part of the conversation where I punch you in the neck nine or ten times? We're coming up on that pretty quick.

Dubenich:
I’m serious. Look, look at the people I’ve already hired. Do you recognize any of these names?

Nate:
(going through file) Uh, yeah, I’ve chased all of them at one time or anoth-- Parker? You have Parker?

Dubenich:
Is there somebody better?

Nate:
No, but Parker is insane.

Eliot Spencer:
You're not as useless as you look.

Alec Hardison:
[scoffs] I don't even know what you do.

-Eliot Spencer-

-Retrieval Specialist-

[Later]

Eliot:
[After taking out four guys before Hardison's bag touches the ground, turns to him with a smug smile] That's what I do.

Parker:
Can I have one?

Hardison:
You can have the whole box.

[Hardison holds the box of comms up for her. She takes one and pulls herself back up]

Eliot:
What are you going to do when she finds out you live with your mom?

Hardison:
Age of the geek, baby. We run the world.

Eliot:
You keep telling yourself that.

Eliot:
This thing safe?

Hardison:
Yeah, it's completely safe…it's just you know, if you experience nausea, weakness in your right side, stroke, strokiness…

Eliot:
You're precisely why I work alone.

Nate Ford:
Guys, listen up. We're going on my count, not a second sooner. Parker, no freelancing.

Eliot:
Hey, relax. We know what we're doin'.

Nate:
And on the count of five, four…

Hardison:
Aw, he doesn't want to be our pal.

Nate:
We're on the count! Five, four, three…

Parker:
[runs by and jumps over the side] Yahoooooo!

Eliot:
She's gone!

Nate:
Son of a—!

[After Parker runs by and jumps over the side of the building]

Eliot:
That’s twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag.

Nate:
Okay, you got any chatter on their frequencies?

Parker:
No. Why?

Nate:
There’s eight listed on the duty roster, there’s only four at the guard post.

Parker:
I can’t even tell how many guys are in the room. How can you tell who’s who?

Nate:
Haircuts, Parker. Count the haircuts.

Parker:
I would have missed that.

Nate:
What?

Parker:
Nothing.

Hardison:
Ten-digit password. I salute you, sir.

Nate:
Eliot, what I want you to do is clear the zone and use Hardison as bait.

[Eliot takes off his jacket and disappears]

Hardison:
Bait? What? Hold up. Wait a minute. I know you ain’t talking about me, I ain’t nobody’s bait. [to device] Come on baby, work for me baby, come on, baby.

Parker:
They reset all the alarms on the roof and all the floors above us. We can’t go up.

Eliot:
Every man for himself then.

Hardison:
Go ahead, I’m the one with the merchandise.

Parker:
Yeah, well, I’m the one with an exit.

Nate:
And I’m the one with a plan. Now, I know you children don’t play well with others, but I need you to hold it together for exactly seven more minutes. Now, get to the elevator and head down. We’re going to the burn scam.

Hardison:
Going to Plan B?

Nate:
Technically, that would be Plan G.

Hardison:
How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a Plan M?

Nate:
Yeah. Hardison dies in Plan M.

Eliot:
I like Plan M.

Hardison:
Anybody else notice how hard we rocked last night?

Eliot:
Yeah, well, one show only, no encores.

Parker:
I already forgot your names.

Hardison:
It was kind of cool, being on the same side.

Nate:
No, we are not on the same side. I am not a thief.

Parker:
You are now. Come on Nathan, tell the truth. Didn’t you have a little bit of fun playing the Black King instead of the White Knight, just this once?

Nate:
Yeah, you seem pretty relaxed for a guy with a gun pointed at him.

Eliot:
[looks at Hardison] Safety’s on.

Hardison:
Like I’m gonna fall for that.

Nate:
No, no, actually he’s right, the safety is on.

[Parker pointing a gun at the others when she discovers she wasn't paid]

Parker:
My money's not in my account. That makes me cry inside, in my special angry place.

Nate:
Parker! Get me a phone. What we’re going to do is, we’re going to get out of here together.

Eliot:
This was a onetime deal.

Nate:
Look guys, here’s your problem. You all know what you can do, I know what all you can do, so that gives me the edge, gives me the plan.

Parker:
I don’t trust these guys.

Nate:
Do you trust me?

Eliot:
Of course. You’re an honest man.

Nate:
Parker, phone.

Parker:
This is gonna suck. [sticks her fingers down her throat to induce vomiting]

Eliot:
I'm going to beat Dubenich so bad even the people that look like him are going to bleed.

Parker:
You won't get within a hundred yards. He knows your face. He knows all our faces.

Eliot:
He tried to kill us.

Parker:
More importantly, he didn't pay us.

Eliot:
How is that more important?!

Parker:
I take that personally.

Eliot:
There's somethin' wrong with you.

Hardison:
Why would Dubenich lie to us?

Nate:
Cause you’re thieves. If he hired you for a straight up crime, you’d know he was a bad guy like you, you’d be suspicious. This way you just saw another citizen in over his head, and that’s why you didn’t see the double cross coming.

Parker:
Why didn’t you see it coming?

Nate:
Because I’m not a thief.

Eliot:
You know what, maybe that was the problem. If you--

Eliot:
You want to run a game on this guy? You?

Nate:
Well, yeah. How do you think I got most of my stolen merchandise back? I mean, this guy, he's greedy, thinks he's smart; he's the best kind of mark.

Parker:
He does think he got rid of us.

Hardison:
Element of surprise.

Eliot:
What's in it for me?

Nate:
Payback. And if it goes right, a lot of money.

Parker:
And what's in it for me?

Nate:
A lot of money. And if it goes right, payback. Hardison?

Hardison:
I, I was just going to send a thousand porno magazines to his office, but hell yeah, let's kick him up!

Eliot:
[to Nate] What's in it for you?

Nate:
…He used my son.

[long pause]

Nate:
All right, let's go get Sophie.

Eliot:
What the hell's a Sophie?

Hardison:
She's awful.

Parker:
Is she injured? In the head?

Eliot:
Seriously, man, she is the worst actress I've ever seen.

Nate:
This is not her stage.

Sophie Devereaux:
I'm a citizen now. Honest.

Nate:
I'm not.

Sophie:
You're playing my side? [Looks over and sees the others] I always thought you had it in you.

Nate:
Are you in?

Sophie:
[Nodding] I wouldn't miss this.

Nate:
All right, let's go break the law just one more time.

Nate:
Victor? Now when was the last time you met a Victor?

Eliot:
Vietnam. Town called Banho Zay.

Sophie:
Chinese border.

Eliot:
That’s an odd thing for you to know.

Sophie:
That’s an odd place for you to be.

Nate:
I know when you sent Dubenich his designs you weren’t supposed to make any copies.

Hardison:
No, I promise. That would be very wrong.

Nate:
Show me your copies.

Eliot:
It’s an airplane.

Nate:
It’s a short alt domestic airliner, yeah, usually one-hour flights. It’s the fastest growing segment of the industry, very fuel efficient. High tech. Very nice carbon nose, it’s got the titanium wrap. 3 to 1. (Everyone stares at him) You know, you pick up things here and there.

Hardison:
You pick up a lot of stuff.

Hardison:
Here comes a mountain of suck. [Two seconds later, surprised] She's not awful.

Nate:
This is her stage. Sophie Devereaux is the finest actress you've ever seen…when she's breaking the law.

Secretary:
Yeah, this is Victor Dubenich’s office, my computer just completely crashed.

Parker:
Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Did you try turning it on and off again?

Secretary:
Yes, nothing seems to be working.

Hardison:
That’s a computer thing. I told her to say that.

Nate:
Well done.

Eliot:
You look better than when we started.

Nate:
Yeah.

Eliot:
Yeah. And that bothers you, huh?

Nate:
I, uh, well this isn’t supposed to feel--

Eliot:
Good? It’s not that hard to figure out. Dubenich screwed you. He cheated by stealing from that other company and your good guy brain sees him as the bad guy. Your conscience is clear.

Eliot:
Everybody knows. A guy like you goes off the street, a lot of people notice. And it was a bad story, too. How did they justify that, huh? The insurance company just not paying for his treatment?

Nate:
They claimed it was experimental.

Eliot:
You should have kept one of those Monets you found. You fence that—

Nate:
Eliot, you and I are not friends.

Eliot:
Right. Right. Because you have so many of them.

Nate:
Nice job on the zip line.

Parker:
Totally thought she was going to break a leg. Not bad for a first time.

Dubenich:
Higgins, Higgins, you can't do that. You can't take my computer!

Special Agent Higgins:
[chuckles] This company has government defense contracts. There are very serious rules about contact with foreign nationals. The Patriot Act applies here, my friend! Sir, I can take your underpants.

Pierson:
Don't you want money?

Nate:
This particular project has a different revenue stream.

Nate:
Yeah, you should have just paid us.

Dubenich:
I found the transmitter.

Nate:
Oh, you found the transmitter with the blinking light, yeah, we wanted you to figure some of it out. Then we just gave you what you were expecting.

Dubenich:
I am Victor Dubenich, I am going to beat this.

Nate:
Aren’t you forgetting about the bribe?

Dubenich:
Who cares? You can’t prove anything, I didn’t get any money.

Nate:
No, it doesn’t account for all of it. Sophie kept a little to buy a truly impressive number of shoes. See, if a company’s stock price falls ten, fifteen percent in one day and you see it coming, you sell short, you make a lot of money. If it’s going to fall thirty percent you can make shattering amounts of money. We didn’t need the FBI to show up and take you to jail, we just needed them to show up and take boxes out of your office, all day long in front of TV cameras, scaring your investors. You going to jail is just a bonus. I wouldn’t say anything about us to the Feds. Next time we won’t be so nice.

Parker:
What is it with woman and shoes?

Sophie:
There’s something wrong with you.

Eliot:
That’s what I said.

[after seeing their multi-million-dollar paychecks for taking down Dubenich]

Hardison:
I'm just very good at what I do.

Parker:
This is the score! This is the score!

Hardison:
Age of the geek, baby.

Eliot:
Somebody kiss this man so I don't have to!

Eliot:
Yeah. One show only. No encores.

Parker:
I already forgot your names.

[Everybody walks off in separate directions. Suddenly, Hardison comes up behind Nate]

Hardison:
You know I never had that cool a time on a job.

Nate:
It’s a walkaway.

Hardison:
And I got focus issues brother, you kept me right on.

[Parker joins them]

Parker:
I’m really good at one thing—

Nate:
Parker.

Parker:
…only one thing that’s it, but you, you know other things and-and I can’t stop doing my one thing, can’t retire…

[Eliot joins them]

Eliot:
You want to know what I think?

Nate:
Not really.

Eliot:
How long until you fall apart again?

Nate:
Oh, I’m touched.

Eliot:
Well, a guy like you can’t be out of the game, that’s why you were a wreck, you need the chase.

Nate:
Yeah, I’ll manage.

Sophie:
You pick the jobs.

Nate:
My job is helping people. I help find bad guys.

Sophie:
Then go find some bad guys. Bad guys have money. Black King, White Knight.

Father:
W-we can’t pay you.

Sophie:
We work on an alternative revenue stream.

Father:
I don’t understand. The judge said that we couldn’t appeal. What are you gonna do?

Nate:
People like that…corporations like that, they have all the money, they have all the power, and they use it to make people like you go away. Right now, you're suffering under an enormous weight. We provide…Leverage.

Corporal Perry:
Hey, say hi to Jenny!

Marine:
He's cheating on you!

Corporal Perry:
Nice.

Marine:
With a camel. A drunk, slutty camel.

Corporal Perry:
All right, it was one time, okay? And the camel's been texting me, but it's over, I promise.

Dr. Laroque:
Pardon me, mister…?

Nate:
Oh, uh, Nathan Ford. You're Dr. La-

Dr. Laroque:
Can I talk to you outside?

Perry:
Doc, he's cool. I found him on the internet.

Dr. Laroque:
Yes, that never goes badly.

Dr. Laroque:
We’re not a rich hospital. I cashed in every favor I had to take care of these kids for as long as I could, but I have to go back in there and tell Perry we can’t treat him anymore. I have to do that. Run your scam on somebody with money.

Nate:
It’s not a scam. I’m here to help.

Dr. Laroque:
People don’t just show up to help. That’s not the way the world works.

Parker:
I put all that money in a Swiss bank account.

Eliot:
Millions of dollars and you didn’t buy anything?

Parker:
I don’t like stuff, I like money.

Parker:
What is this?

[Hardison walks in carrying three cell phones and three file folders]

Hardison:
This is our new cover story. Welcome to Leverage Consulting and Associates, founded in 1913 by the great Harland Leverage the Third.

[Hardison points to a painting on the wall of an older man that greatly resembles Nate]

Sophie:
I’m sorry. Nate is going to kill you.

Eliot:
Did you paint that?

Hardison:
I’m gifted.

Eliot:
That’s weird.

[Hardison introducing the others to the central room of Leverage Consulting and Associates]

Hardison:
Long version or the short version?

Sophie:
Short.

Eliot:
Short version

Parker:
Shortest.

Hardison:
Photo and video forensics programs, back doors into every electronic banking system in the world, running heuristic datacrawlers all over the news sites to find our clients. Oh, also—

Parker:
This is the short version?

Eliot:
5.56 NATO rounds mixed in with some 9-mils from the sub-machine guns. Insurgents would have used AK-47s with 7.62 ammo. It has more of a... (hits the back of his hand to his palm) crack. Contractors shot 'em up all right.

Parker:
You ID’d the weapon from the gunshot sound?

Eliot:
It has a very distinctive sound.

Sophie:
So, we steal the evidence and threaten to expose them.

Parker:
Blackmail.

Nate:
Ah, yes, but just enough blackmail to, uh, pay for Perry’s rehab, maybe a couple of million more in damages.

Eliot:
' It’ll never hold up in court.

Nate:
Ah, but that’s why Corporal Perry is lucky. He doesn’t have lawyers. He has thieves.

[While getting ready to rappel off of a building]

Hardison:
I gotta go back to the office, I just remembered something.

Parker:
What?

Hardison:
I just remembered gravity. And the squishiness of all my manly bits.

Parker:
I designed this rig myself. The line is carbon fiber. Five point harness. Weight support here, here, and here. Auto-breaking resistance on the main pulley back here.

Hardison:
Okay, cool, so it’s tested?

Parker:
Not yet.

Hardison:
Not yet? When the hell was you gonna test it?

[Parker pushes Hardison off the roof]

Parker:
Big baby.

Hardison:
Seriously? Seriously?

DuFort:
You’re not poaching, are you? Appropriations Bill 718, those are our defense contracts, don’t even bother.

Sophie:
Mr. DuFort, surely there’s enough war to go around.

DuFort:
I rather like you.

Nate:
Hardison, Hardison what’s this, what’s this bill they’re talking about?

Hardison:
You know, I’d like to give you the Schoolhouse Rock but this man has an RFID security card reader on his power supply so I’m a little bit busy.

[Sophie impersonates a lobbyist at a D.C. party]

Sophie:
My company's focused on meeting Senators, but, um, I'm thinking Congressmen.

Charles Dufort:
You know the great thing about Congressmen? Fifty, a hundred grand well spent will get one elected, but then once they’re in, the incumbency rate is over 95 percent! So you can get an average 18, 20 years’ use out of one of them. In these uncertain times, buying a United States Congressman is one of the best investments a corporation can make.

Hardison:
[listening in on comms] Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.

Perry:
[to Sophie] Rob Perry.

Sophie:
Sophie Devereaux. Ooh, watch those hands, Mr. Perry.

Perry:
I’m in a wheelchair, I’m not blind.

Eliot:
The tall one? The way he used a knife? Ex-Marine. Probably Force Recon.

Hardison:
You ID'd a guy off his knife fighting style?

Eliot:
It's a very distinctive style.

Hardison:
What I did before, nobody got hurt.

Sophie:
I stole paintings.

Parker:
I never hurt anybody, either.

[They all look at Eliot]

Eliot:
I actually hurt people, so…

Sophie:
When men are telling the truth, they're not looking me in the eye. A man only ever looks a woman in the eye when he's making the effort to lie to her.

Eliot:
Well, you can't argue with that.

Hardison:
Noted and filed.

Hardison:
You know, I, I, I still think it would be easier for me to just hack the bill in a printer queue.

Nate:
No, no computers, no. A bill is put into a wooden box on the Congressional floor called the Hopper.

Hardison:
A wooden-- Whoa, whoa, whoa. A wooden…a wooden box?

Nate:
A wooden box.

Hardison:
Wood?

Nate:
Yeah.

Hardison:
Oh, we can put a man on the moon, but all our laws go into a wooden box.

Hardison:
I mean, break a law, everybody’s done that, my mama’s done that, but steal a law. Oh, she’s gonna be a legend, baby!

Parker:
The eagle has landed.

Nate:
It’s in!

Hardison:
Uhn! Go ahead, girl! Sexyness! Unh. Rrrnnn.

Nate:
Might want to ease up on that a little bit.

Hardison:
Just saying.

Nate:
Yeah.

Hardison:
Between me and you. Between me and you.

Nate:
Never leaves the room.

Nate:
How's Washington?

Sophie:
Villains, con-men, wolves in sheep's clothing. Felt right at home.

Eliot:
There it is. It’s 541.

Hardison:
Hold up Rambo. So, no lasers, no motion detectors, no vibration sensors, no--whoops.

Nate:
Whoops? What whoops?

Hardison:
There’s a webcam, I’m picking up its broadcast on my phone.

Parker:
Oh, I see it. Up on that pole.

[Eliot walks away]

Hardison:
I just have to spoof the IP address and overlay a digital duplicate over the WiFi…

[Eliot comes back with a rock he throws at the webcam, which shatters]

Hardison:
Or that.

Eliot:
Let’s go, come on.

Hardison:
I’m sorry it was too far away for you to punch, I’m sure that really frustrates you.

Sophie:
I don’t know, what is it, two, three hundred million in US currency? What’s it doing in Iraq?

Nate:
We sent it there.

Eliot:
What?

Nate:
Beginning of the Iraq War, my old company helped insure the largest currency transfer in history. Billions and billions in ones, fives and twenties, all cash. Sent to Iraq for reconstruction.

Eliot:
Bribes.

Nate:
As needed. Nine billion went missing.

Sophie:
Wait, billion? With a ‘b’? Nine billion dollars of US taxpayer money just disappeared.

Sophie:
I'd never thought I'd say this, ever, but that is just way too much money to steal.

Nate:
No, you're not going to steal it. You don't remember? You're the good guys now! You're gonna give it back.

Parker:
They changed the lock.

Hardison:
Just do what you do. I mean, whatever, what you need, ah, uh…

[Parker pulls out a small bomb from her toolbelt]

Hardison:
Nah. Uh-uh. Stop all that playing. Hell no.

Soldier:
Open it.

Hardison:
Okay, I see what this is. This is racial. This is about my ethniticity, ain’t it? Uh huh. It’s cause I’m Jewish...Just cause a brother likes matzoball soup, what’s wrong with that? Sammy Davis…

Dr. Laroque:
Is this stolen?

Sophie:
Not anymore.

Dr. Laroque:
What are we supposed to do with it?

Sophie:
Pay for Corporal Perry’s rehab.

Hardison:
And some other guys’ rehabs.

Parker:
Pretty much whatever you want.

Perry:
Doc, a cute blonde shows up with a couple million dollars, I say we take the win. Thank you.

Eliot:
Corporal, Thank you. Thank you.

Dr. Laroque:
The world doesn't work this way.

Nate:
So change the world.

Dr. Laroque:
We’ve got it, we can take care of everybody.

Perry:
I get half, right?

Dr. Laroque:
No, you don’t get half!

Perry:
Yes I do, I get half!

Nate:
Anybody who wants to walk away can do it right now.

Eliot:
One more.

Hardison:
Maybe two.

Parker:
I bought a plant.

Hardison:
Nice. Team spirit.

Parker:
What does it do?

Eliot:
I can’t believe you gave all your money away. You didn’t buy yourself anything.

Nate:
Oh, I bought a car.

Hardison:
Probably a station wagon.

Nate:
An electric car.

Eliot:
Of course.

Sophie:
How sweet. Do you have to wind it up?

Nate:
Uh, just trying to be responsible.

Hardison:
Responsible? You know it sucks being the good guys, right?

Nate:
You haven’t figured it out yet, have you? Just cause you’re the good guys now, doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun along the way!

[Nate gets into a red Tesla Roadster. The team watches him pull out, shaking their heads]

Parker:
Woo hoo.

Sophie:
Oh boy, midlife crisis.

Eliot:
Absolutely.

Hardison:
Definitely midlife.

Parker:
Totally midlife crisis.

Aimee:
You called him?

Willie:
We need him.

Aimee:
Yeah, no, we don't.

Eliot:
I forgot how much I like these Southern welcomes.

Aimee:
Eight years, no phone calls, no letters, you don't earn a homecoming parade.

Eliot:
How's your husband, Aimee?

Aimee:
Gone. Seems I have a weakness for men with one foot out the door.

Nate:
So when you said you knew the family, you meant you...knew the family, huh? Please tell me you weren't engaged to her.

Eliot:
No. M-may have given her a promise ring, or...

Nate:
A what?

Eliot:
So that…

Nate:
No, never mind. Well, there's no way we're gonna do this if I have to worry about you being stupid because you're too involved with...

Eliot:
I'm not involved. I'm--I want to help Willie. Did you hear the guy's story? Scout's honor.

Nate:
Wrong hand.

Parker:
I think I have a fever. Can I be excused from this one?

Sophie:
Oh. Come here. Let me feel your head.

Nate:
No, don't -- don't feel her. Why do you--what--what's the deal? W-what we--

Parker:
I once saw a horse kill a clown. I just really don't like horses.

[Flashback to Parker's childhood, where we see a man dressed as a horse beat up a clown]

Hardison:
Oh-okay, hi, yes. Everybody, y'all want to take over the briefings? Okay, I-I go to a lot of trouble to make these things interesting, have a little something visual for the visual learners and the auditory learners, and y'all, i-it's just interruption--

Sophie:
Bob, this is Alan Foss the investor from New York.

Nate:
Oh, yeah, the one whose, uh, stable burned down, right? You're the guy who had the stable burn down, all those horses are--? Yeah, well, I know you're new around here and everything, so why don't I just give you a little tip? Don't let your stable burn down, there, boss. Why don't we play some cards?

Sterling:
Why are you playing poker with my client, Nate?

Nate:
Alan Foss is your client. Huh. The fire, you're investigating the stable fire for IYS, you got my old job.

Sterling:
Actually, I have your old office, very roomy. Allow me to rephrase. Why is an ex-insurance agent playing poker with the subject of an open insurance investigation?

Nate:
Open investigation? Local cops think it was an accident.

Sterling:
Local cops don't have to write a check for $2 million. It's my job to make sure that doesn't--Uh huh. Oh, Nate, that's pathetic. This is another one of those complicated little games that you like to play. All right, so, you're hustling Foss, trying to prove arson or get him on fraud. Whatever, as long as the company doesn't have to write the check. You're trying to get your old job back.

Nate:
Okay. You have it all figured out. I'll just back off from now on, hm?

Sterling:
Nah. It's too late for that. Tell you the truth, though. I'd kind of given up on Foss. I like the trainer for the fire, Willy Martin.

Nate:
Willy Martin's an innocent man.

Sterling:
We're insurance men, Nate. We don't care about who's innocent and who's guilty. Just who pays.

Parker:
Is it true Sterling spent three days in the trunk of a car waiting to catch someone?

Nate:
No, no.

Sophie:
It was five.

Parker:
What?

Sophie:
Look, I'm not saying that he's better than you were, but--

Nate:
"Were"? Wh-I-I'm sorry.

Aimee:
Anything else so you need so you can wrap this up and go back to being a somewhat disappointing memory?

Eliot:
I thought you said you were fine with this.

Aimee:
I thought you said you were coming back in three weeks.

Nate:
Oh, boy, this is perfect.

Hardison:
Electronic locks, electronic throttle, power steering, keyless entry...uh, you know what runs all that?

Parker:
Computers?

Hardison:
Oh, yeah.

[Sterling's doors lock and the electronics go haywire. He sees Parker and Hardison in the van behind him and pulls out his cell phone]

Sterling:
Hello? Police? Listen, I'm at the racetrack. Yeah, I just passed a black van. I can't be sure, but I think I heard screaming from inside. And there is blood, like, all over the back of the doors. Sure, yeah, they could have had guns. Who knows? Yeah, a black van. Yeah, sure. I'll hold.

Parker:
How did--he's like Nate. Evil Nate!

Aimee:
Right, but you convinced my dad that things were gonna be okay. Things have only gotten worse. Now, I-I appreciate you trying to help, but if you don't know what you're doing, just walk away. At least I know you're good at that.

[Aimee walks away around a corner, Eliot follows]

Eliot:
Can't let it go, can you? Can't let it be the past.

Aimee:
No, I was fine until the long-lost hero came back into town.

Eliot:
Your dad called me.

Aimee:
You could have said no.

Eliot:
When did I become the bad guy, huh? You-I-I left because you got married.

Aimee:
Oh, yeah, and the first 15 times you left?

Eliot:
I came back, all right? You're the one that moved on. So I don't even know why--

Aimee:
No phone calls, no letters -- nothing! Eliot, what kind of a person does that? What -- what reasonable justification could you have for just dropping off the planet, huh?

[Flashback to Eliot being dragged down a hallway by several armed guards demanding to know where the monkey is]

Eliot:
I was working.

Aimee:
Not good enough.

Eliot:
Go ahead. I know you're itching to say something.

Sophie:
I like Aimee. I do. I mean it. I like you both. I just--you know, I don't know what comes of chasing the past, you know, Eliot?

Eliot:
Yeah, well, Sophie, sweetie, I don't think you and Nate get to serve me that particular meal.

Sophie:
Ouch.

Nate:
We need a horse that can run like a champion.

Hardison:
What about that horse from the other day? Uh, Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Eliot:
Kentucky Thunder.

Hardison:
That's what I said.

Nate:
Oh, we steal an actual championship racehorse in order to fake another championship racehorse.

Hardison:
Yeah.

Nate:
Ooh, I like it.

Sterling:
You know, I couldn't believe it at first.

Nate:
Sterling, welcome.

Sterling:
Then again, you did drink yourself right out of a job. Lost your house, your wife, plenty of money troubles.

Nate:
Keep talking. You'll get to the point eventually.

Sterling:
Nathan Ford is a common criminal.

Nate:
Oh, common. That’s just hurtful.

Nate:
[to Eliot] Okay, listen. I am not gonna jeopardize the rest of the team because you have something to prove to your high-school sweetheart. It's just not gonna happen.

Sophie:
Oh, and you're not trying to prove something to Sterling? You're not trying to prove something to the world every time we help somebody out? We're all trying to prove something, just being here with you.

Nate:
[to Eliot] If it gets too close, I will pull the plug and you will walk away, and that will be that. [to Sophie] And you--who do you have someone to prove to?

Sophie:
Myself...you arrogant son of a bitch.

Parker:
[Crawling through an air duct] Looks like Parker's gonna have to crawl through the air duct again. God forbid anyone else would have to learn how to frickin' crawl on their stomach through a tiny space. It's not rocket science, people.

Eliot:
[on comms, from the truck] Parker, you realize that we can still hear you?

[Parker sighs exasperatedly]

Parker:
Aimee...I've found Kentucky Thunder. He's a really, really big horse.

Aimee:
Oh, I'm so sorry. Uh, yeah, sometimes they keep him in there before he gets teased.

Parker:
I don't want to be in a stall with a horse that's about to be teased!

Hardison:
See, you're not dead, good.

Parker:
Don't be silly. Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.

Aimee:
So...I was wrong.

Eliot:
I don't think I've ever heard you say that before. Wrong about what exactly?

Aimee:
You're never gonna be the kind to settle down, but, uh, I'm glad you found a family.

Eliot:
Th--those guys?

Aimee:
I'm just sorry it couldn't be me.

Sterling:
Look, it's terrible, what happened to your son. No one's denying that. Suffering doesn't automatically make you a hero.

Nate:
I never claimed to be.

Sterling:
You just think you're above the law.

Nate:
Oh, no. I like think of it as I pick up where the law leaves off.

Sterling:
[Scoffs] I'm not gonna be so nice next time.

Nate:
Mm. Neither will I.

Eliot:
Hey. Sophie's here. What do I tell her?

Hardison:
Anything but the truth.

[Sophie walks in]

Sophie:
Hey.

Eliot:
Hey.

Sophie:
Thank you so much for coming to my play last night.

Eliot:
Oh.

Parker:
Last night was awesome.

Sophie:
Thanks, Parker.

Parker:
Yeah, it was like a horror movie. Attention must be paaiidd.

Eliot:
That was the worst night of my life.

Hardison:
Come on man, you've been in worse situations!

[Flashback:
Eliot in a game of Russian roulette]

Eliot:
No. No, that was the worst.

Nate:
Mm! How great were you? I mean, they ought to call it, uh, "Death of a Saleswoman." What a great commentary on the glass ceiling for women in corporate America.

Sophie:
Nate, I-I played the part as a man.

Nate:
Yes, and brilliantly.

Sophie:
Thanks.

Nate:
It’s not gonna be your last mass, Paul.

Paul:
Hey, what are you gonna do? Nate?

Nate:
Just...move God's…plans along.

Parker:
That's Saint Nicholas?

Hardison:
Yes.

Parker:
Santa Claus has a church?

Eliot:
[irritated] It's not Santa Claus!

[Later]

Nate:
Hardison, can you make the statue cry without melting Saint Nick's head?

Parker:
Don't melt Santa!

Eliot and Hardison:
It's not Santa!

Hardison:
I don't do gangs.

Eliot:
Come on. We got some fresh air. Get off the computer.

Hardison:
I rappel.

Eliot:
Come on!

Hardison:
Did no one see me rappel?

Sophie:
Oh, I heard about it.

[As a gang member is holding a gun on Eliot]

Eliot:
You seeing this, Hardison?

Hardison:
Yeah, uh, the situation has my attention, yes.

Eliot:
You see, this is why I don't like guns. They have a specific range of efficacy. You see, most guys will make one mistake. They get too close.

[Knocks down the gunman and takes the gun, unloading it]

[Questioning a gang member]

Hardison:
You got a number?

[The gang member hands him a paper]

Eliot:
Can you do something with that?

Hardison:
Seven digits? I can find you on Mars.

Hardison:
How about that, baby! You see me?

Eliot:
He was injured!

Hardison:
Well, somebody got to fight the injured. Shoot, that's my niche.

Grant:
I'm not crazy about heights. Or enclosed spaces. [takes some pills]

Sophie:
What is that you just took?

Grant:
Xanax. For my nerves.

Parker:
Actually, caffeine. With a dash of dextroamphetamine.

Eliot:
You gave him speed?

Hardison:
He beat up a priest.

Eliot:
I got to be honest with you. We’re gonna need a miracle to save this church.

Nate:
So let's, uh, go steal ourselves a miracle.

Nate:
So the Catholic church defines a miracle as the work of God, usually through the prayers and intercessions of a saint, for some specific purpose, frequently the conversion of the unbelieving.

Eliot:
How do you know all this stuff?

Nate:
I went to school with Father Paul. To, uh...seminary school.

Eliot:
So you dropped out of priest school to become an insurance cop. Now you're a leader of a band of thieves. Nice.

Hardison:
You're…you're a Catholic who wants to fake a miracle. I'm pretty sure that puts us in mortal sin territory.

Eliot:
So wait, wait. Now you're religious too?

Hardison:
No, no, I'm not denominational. It's just, I never do anything my Nana says don't do.

Hardison:
As long as I don't have to do anything immoral.

Nate:
No, absolutely not. No, I just need you to figure out how to…fake a miracle.

[Eliot laughs]

Hardison:
We all goin' to hell.

Eliot:
What are you, 10 feet from there? How can you miss that? You’re standing right here.

Hardison:
Everybody can't be Eliot.

Eliot:
Unbelievable.

Hardison:
Shut up. Shut up.

Sophie:
You never cheated on her, Nate.

Nate:
I know. I know. Tempted.

Sophie:
No, no, you weren't.

Nate:
I was.

Sophie:
Not really. You’ve always been the good guy. That’s, uh, that's what made it fun. Well, part of what made it fun between us back then.

Nate:
Back then, yeah. And what about now?

Sophie:
I don't know. What about now? That’s what we have to figure out. By "we," um, I mean "you" of course.

Nate:
Of course. Of course.

Sophie:
Just, um...don't take too long.

Parker:
Whoa. That’s a lot of public.

Hardison:
I’m very good.

Eliot:
Yeah. A little too good.

Sophie:
What did we just do?

Hardison:
The weeping statue of St. Nick is on YouTube.

Eliot:
Good. This church will never shut down.

Sophie:
There’s just so many people here. I mean, what if they find out it's a...fake?

Hardison:
Hell fire, damnation, et cetera. You know what? I’m gonna step over here, so when the good lord throws down on all of y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning.

Parker:
Wasn’t Zeus the one with the lightning?

Paul:
What did you do?

Nate:
Uh, what--what do you mean What, y-y-you don't believe in miracles?

Paul:
The word "miracle" does not appear anywhere in the Old or New Testaments.

Nate:
What about the wedding at Cana? Huh? What about Lazarus?

Paul:
Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

Nate:
I had nothing to do with this.

Paul:
Nate? You’re lying to me, right to my face. In church! There’s a fake miracle in my church.

Nate:
Shhh.

Hardison:
Oh, no, see? This is what happens when you mess with God. He raises up your enemies with his right hand, and he smites you with his left.

[When their con has gone too well]

Nate:
We can use this. Just give me a second. I need to—

[A black van rolls in and a group of priests exit from it and head into the church]

Nate:
Apostolic visitation…

Hardison:
Come again?

Nate:
It's the Vatican.

[Parker, Eliot and Hardison turn and quickly walk away]

Nate:
I hope you weren't gonna do what I know you were just about to do.

Paul:
What, tell the truth? You bet I was. Nate, no more lies! The Vatican’s here! You and I both know what that means.

Nate:
Yeah, break out the grappa.

Paul:
Does my getting defrocked amuse you?

Nate:
I-I am trying to save your damn church.

Paul:
Save my church? You faked a miracle! My parishioners, my flock, my church, they-they believed in that miracle. And now you are ripping out that faith and replacing it with a lie. Maybe, maybe I’m not here to save this church, Nate. Maybe I need to lose this church to save you. Go and sin no more.

Andrew Grant:
When people say "controversy", I hear "attention".

Little Girl:
I saw what happened! An angel took it away!

Paul:
I count myself blessed and take my miracle.

Nate:
Ah, but there was no miracle.

Paul:
Nate, five thieves saved my church.

Parker:
It's like Christmas! See, I told you Saint Nicholas is Santa Claus.

Sophie:
No, he's not, Parker.

Parker:
Well, who is he then?

Sophie:
Saint Nicholas? [smiles] He's the patron saint of thieves.

Hardison:
Two weeks. Two weeks sleeping in crappy hotels. Two weeks eating in crappy diners. Two weeks having my soul sucked dry. It's 107 degrees. Who lives where it's 107 degrees?!

Hardison:
You know, I had to retask two satellites just to get a lousy internet connection. Took more than an hour to torrent the last episode of Doctor Who.

Parker:
Hey! Illegal downloading's wrong. [lights the contents of a trash can on fire]

Nate:
Get out. Now.

Hardison:
Is he talking to us?

Parker:
An unmarked van parked across the street from a bank that's being robbed? Yeah. I think he's talking to us.

Hardison:
Yeah, well, five more feet and he would have been in the clear. What the hell was he thinking?

Parker:
Don't be an idiot, Hardison.

Hardison:
What?

Parker:
Sophie was still in there.

Eliot:
Tell me what's going on in there.

Deputy Arnold:
I'm afraid I can't do that, this is an active crime scene, and you need to--

Eliot:
[to cop] I'm not talking to you. [to Nate] How many are there?

Nate:
Yeah, you're right. Clearly amateurs, these two. Yeah. The younger one, looks like he's never handled a gun before.

Eliot:
Is Judge Blow-Hard next to you?

Nate:
Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, definitely amateurs, That's what makes them so dangerous.

Eliot:
Alright, 2 guys, both armed, neither one a criminal mastermind. You want me in there?

Deputy Arnold:
Sir, we can't have you going inside the bank...

Nate:
Probably, uh, a good idea just to sit tight, don't you think? You know, and see where these guys' heads are at, you know?

Eliot:
Alright, your call, boss.

Deputy Arnold:
Thank you.

Nate:
We help these guys get what they want, then we can get everybody out of here safely, without anyone getting hurt. I mean, I don't know about you, but I'm not going to leave my fate in the hands of the Juan Volunteer S.W.A.T. team.

Parker:
It's embarrassing. Everyone knows you don't rob a bank without an exit strategy. These two deserve to get caught. 42 seconds.

Hardison:
What?

Parker:
To rob this bank. One security guard who has never fired his gun before, two closed-circuit cameras outside, one inside, and a Glen-Reader safe built in the 50's whose default combination is the birth date of the manager's wife! Get in, get out, 42 seconds.

Hardison:
Seriously?

Sheriff Bill Hastings:
You guys sure are quick. Just called this in twenty minutes ago.

Hardison:
Uh, we were coming back from a little border skirmish. Charlie unit came under attack by a pack of chupacabras.

Sheriff Bill Hastings:
Chupacabras? Thought those things were urban legends.

Hardison:
You're adorable.

Hardison:
Whoa, what's going on?

Bill:
Cut power to the bank. Standard operating procedure.

Hardison:
Standard...it's standard op... it's standard? Where are you getting that bull-hockey from, son?

Bill:
Deputy Arnold, he took a seminar in crisis management last year.

Deputy Arnold:
It was an online seminar. We got certificates.

Hardison:
Certificates? Magic kits come with certificates. Does that make it cool for kids to saw their parents in half?

Sheriff Hastings:
We're just going by the book.

Hardison:
The…the book? The book got a good man killed. I can't…my blood pressure…

Parker:
Ex-partner. Probably shouldn't mention the book again. Or propellers.

Derrick Clark:
No, no cops. If they find out we contacted the police, they'll kill her.

Sophie:
They're not cops, I promise you. They're friends of mine, you can trust them.

Derrick:
Why should I trust you? I don't know who you are.

Sophie:
I'm a thief.

Derrick:
Okay…I'm not sure what to do with that.

Nate:
We're going to use the money that we have in here.

Michael:
It is not enough. We're still short thirty grand.

Nate:
No, Michael, no, not that money. We have an alternate revenue source.

Hardison:
Is he suggesting what I think he's suggesting?

Parker:
Are you suggesting what we think you're suggesting? You want to give our bad guy's money to some other bad guys?

Nate:
Yes, exactly what I'm suggesting we do. But we're going to do it without blowing our covers, gang.

Michael:
Who are you talking to?

Nate:
Parker, have you ever robbed a bank that's being robbed?

Parker:
[smiling gleefully] There's a first time for everything. The bank was built before 1980, before computers. Means it's got a larger than normal night deposit chute.

Hardison:
'Cause business had to drop off ledgers with their daily hauls. What, you thought my genius was only limited to ones and zeroes?

Hardison:
We actually have bigger problems.

Eliot:
What's that?

Hardison:
Well, Sheriff Coltrane over here called the FBI, the real FBI. Now the closest office is in San Diego, so they should be here in about, um, give it 45 minutes.

Nate:
We can't worry about that now.

Hardison:
When do we worry about it?

Nate:
In about 45 minutes.

Hardison:
Hold on...excuse me. [answers phone] Agent Leonard. We will do whatever you need us to do, just please, don't hurt anybody. Okay. [hangs up] Guys...boys, boys, come on, gather 'round. Now boys, that was THE call. The call we were waiting for. Now look, they have a list of demands. First off, they want twelve large pizzas. One cheese, one Hawaiian, extra pineapple. Two pepperoni and black olives, two meat lover's, t... Seriously? Nobody's writing this down? Seriously? One triple-shot half-caf vanilla latte, tall, three copies of the latest Hall & Oates CD. I know, right? Exciting stuff. I didn't know they were coming out with a new one either. We're gonna need steaks. Steaks and a grill. They're trying to tailgate. Okay, they need your overalls, I don't know why. They need some kibbles n' bits, we need an Etch-A-Sketch, somebody in there likes to squiggle, okay...are we good? Let's go, people. Everybody. I need you guys moving. Everybody, get out. Go. You, stay. We need to talk about Hall & Oates.

Derrick:
[hands the briefcase with the money to Parker] There's a lot of money in there.

Parker:
Yeah, I know.

Derrick:
My wife's life depends on that money getting where it needs to go.

Parker:
I understand. Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys you get.

Hardison:
They haven't arrived yet?

Eliot:
Yeah. 'Cause meth-heads are so punctual.

Eliot:
Hey. What smells like crank and screams like a girl?

[kicks a meth dealer in the knee, prompting the scream]

Eliot:
That's the right answer.

Sophie:
I think it went through and through. Well, it missed your artery.

Nate:
Well, at least there's that.

Sophie:
Things could be worse.

Nate:
Worse than me getting shot and you blowing our cover?

Sophie:
We wouldn't even be in this mess if you'd just walked out with the cash when you had the chance. I would've been fine.

Nate:
I know.

Sophie:
Yeah, I can take care of myself. I've been doing it a long time. Since way before I met you. I'm just saying.

Nate:
Yeah, you're right.

Sophie:
Okay.

Sophie:
We lost communication.

Nate:
Yeah, we did.

Sophie:
Hardison, Parker, and Eliot ...

Nate:
That's right, they are on their own. Yup.

[After Eliot beats up the thugs]

Ellen Clark:
Who are you?

Eliot:
Well, ma'am, we'd be the cavalry.

Nate:
Hey, listen. She's gonna be all right. Everything's gonna be all right.

Derrick:
Your people. They're good?

Nate:
Yeah. The best.

Hardison:
[Handing Judge Roy one of the pizzas] I was told you were expecting this. Now, is there anything else that we can get you? Anything at all that would help this end peacefully?

Judge Roy:
Oh, no, wait, whoa, wait. I'm not ...

Hardison:
Sir, now we brought what you asked for. If you let the hostages go, you and me, we can talk this thing out.

Judge Roy:
You don't understand. You see, it's those four ...

Hardison:
Now, now, look here bro...[gets to his knees] I understand. This seems like a hopeless situation right now.

Judge Roy:
What are you doing?

Hardison:
But nobody else needs to get hurt.

Judge Roy:
You, you, you! You're one of them, aren't you?

Judge Roy:
This is my money! They got my money again!

Bill:
What the hell are you talking about?

Judge Roy:
It was in my briefcase!

Bill:
This briefcase? [opens briefcase and whistles] Crystal meth? My God, Roy, what have you gotten yourself into?

Judge Roy:
Oh...I don't...That's not mine!

Hardison:
This is all starting to make sense now. It would explain the irrational behavior, the nervousness, the...irritability.

Judge Roy:
Shut up. You're not even real FBI.

Hardison:
Paranoid delusions, violent outbursts.

Sophie:
You're still a geek.

Hardison:
Geek power, baby. Stay strong!

Sophie:
Hey, thanks, Parker.

Parker:
Whatever.

Sophie:
No. It was an excellent performance.

Parker:
Yeah, I think I can act okay when I'm yelling at people and bossing them around.

Sophie:
Well, it's a good start.

Eliot:
[tending to Nate’s wound] Oh! Settle down. You act like you've never been shot before.

Nate:
So, uh, pizza boxes, huh?

Hardison:
Yeah, I know, I know, you could have done better.

Nate:
No, no, no. No, I couldn't have.

Eliot:
How do we even know this kid is an orphan?

Parker:
See him pocketing those cookies? He’s hoarding food. That bag on the table--he keeps his essentials light and portable. He knows he's gonna be taken away at any moment. And there, when she goes to touch him, he flinches. He’s expecting...for her to...Trust me. He’s an orphan.

Eliot:
This would be easier if you were in here.

Nate:
Well, we would be if Sophie weren't already old friends with the ambassador.

Sophie:
I wouldn't say "old" friends exactly.

[Flashback, Sophie, under a guise, receiving a check worth $355,000.00 from the US ambassador]

Ambassador:
The United States is pleased to make the first payment for construction of the trans-Ukrainian pipeline to her Royal Highness, Princess Magda of Slovenia.

[End Flashback]

Sophie:
[Smiling] I still have that tiara, though.

Hardison:
It’s not so fun working in the crappy command center, is it? No, see, you're usually off doing your European spy thing. Well, welcome to my world.

Sophie:
Now anchor the emotion. Raise the champagne flute to your lips.

[Eliot touches his glass to Irina’s]

Eliot:
Cheers.

Sophie:
Take a nice, long sip. And now every time she laughs or smiles, repeat that motion. She’s gonna link that to a nice, warm feeling. You can use that later.

Nate:
That, uh, drink thing. You’ve never used that on me, have you?

Sophie:
[takes a drink of her soda] I would never.

Nate:
Of course not.

Sophie:
So, how'd you know Irina would go for the movie thing?

Nate:
A European grifter who wants to be an actress? Lucky guess.

Parker:
This is what he expects me to do, fetch scripts and water?

Hardison:
No, it's a trust thing. He just needs to know that you’re gonna go along with the game plan.

Parker:
Yeah, yeah. I get it. We're a team.

Hardison:
A little more than a team. I’m just saying.

Sophie:
This, this, this is my world! Okay, you need, you need someone to, I dunno, crawl through an air duct, you call Parker. Bash a head in? Eliot. Internet porn? Hardison! You need someone to take over a movie, then...

Nate:
I ask an actor. Right. Um. Sophie. About the acting…

Sophie:
Oh, yeah? What? What is it?

Nate:
[looks around uncomfortably] You're right. You're right. You, you know, we're gonna, we're gonna go with your scene.

Sophie:
Really?! Ohh! It’s gonna be -- it's gonna be fantastic.

Nate:
It certainly is.

Eliot:
She [Sophie] can't act!

Nate:
Oh, she can act. When it's an act.

Parker:
I can't believe they sent you to babysit me.

Hardison:
I’m here on my own.

Parker:
We have to bail.

Hardison:
No. no, no, no. What about Luka and the others? We can't leave them like that.

Parker:
Why not?

Hardison:
You don't mean that.

Parker:
You think this is the only crappy orphanage in this place? This is a country full of orphans, okay? We can't save them all.

Hardison:
No, but we can save this one. Parker, we can--we can save this one. Look, I know growing up was tough. I-I know that you--you grew up in the system. It was--it was bad. I know. It was, it was worse than bad, but that doesn't mean that all foster parents are monsters. Mine wasn't.

Parker:
You grew up with your grandmother.

Hardison:
We called her "Nana," but she was our foster mom. She, uh...she--she would cuss like a sailor. The old girl would tan your ass just as soon as look at you. But--but she fed us, she bathed us, she put a roof over our head. And, oh, she would raise hell if you so much as looked at us crooked.

Parker:
Yeah?

Hardison:
Yeah.

Parker:
Well, you were lucky. No. We’ll put these kids in the system, and odds are, they're gonna--they're gonna... (trying not to cry) they're gonna turn out like me.

Hardison:
I like how you turned out.

[Parker breathes hard, getting control of herself]

Hardison:
Chechen separatists. Seriously bad dudes. (Eliot chuckles) After reading their bios, I don't think I’m ever gonna sleep again.

Eliot:
Never tell a Chechen his sister has a nice smile. Trust me.

Parker:
Okay. [in Serbian] Don’t be afraid [refers to translation book] I will make your tomato shiny. [children laugh, and Parker moves toward door] Please come with— [Parker exits the room, but the children do not follow. She reenters and checks the book again] Okay, um... [in Serbian] Men will sadden you. [children laugh, Parker motions toward door] Come on.[the children don’t move] Okay, um... Haagen-Daz?

Children:
Haagen-Daz!

Parker:
Hey, how did you know I’d be at the orphanage?

Nate:
Thank Hardison for that.

Hardison:
You know you could have gotten killed. Did you even have an exit strategy?

Parker:
[Apologetically] I didn't really think that far ahead.

Hardison:
You don't work alone anymore, you know that?

Parker:
I know.

Hardison:
We're a team.

Parker:
We're a little more than a team.

[Parker walks away and Hardison smiles]

Parker:
Hey, Nate, I have to tell you something.

Nate:
What? What is it?

Parker:
[Whispering] We have to stop at Haagen-Daz.

Children:
Haagen-Daz!!

Nate:
What's going on?

Hardison:
Client meeting.

Nate:
I can see that. I thought I pick the clients. Who is that crying?

Hardison:
Teresa Palermo. Her husband owed money to the mob, and he took the fall for a murder the boss committed. She's a friend of Sophie’s.

Nate:
I see. Stick around, Hardison. We're gonna have a meeting later about how things work around here.

Hardison:
This is probably a bad time to talk about Christmas, huh?

Teresa:
Where did my daughter go?

Hardison:
I think she was with Parker.

[Parker is teaching the little girl how to pick locks]

Parker:
Go!

[they both begin to work on the locks, after a few seconds, the girl gets hers open]

Parker:
Six seconds! Give it up! [they high-five] Good job.

Hardison:
Just take the mob out of it.

Nate:
What? Take the mob out of it?

Hardison:
Hear me out. Isn't this just a breach of contract?

Eliot:
These guys had a deal, right? And your boy, Ray, he lived up to his end, but Moscone didn't. And for that, there's not a court of law in this world this lady can go to.

Parker:
Which is exactly the kind of case we take.

Nate:
Oh, come on. I don't--why Teresa?

Sophie:
I don't know. Well, her man's gone to jail for fifteen years, and she's waiting for him. For fifteen years. Do you have any idea how hard it is, to wait for someone?

Nate:
Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay, let’s go rob Nicky Moscone, a guy who kills people and lives in our city. Yeah, let's do that.

Hardison:
…Oh, and then there's the FBI parked around the corner.

Parker:
FBI? Where?

Hardison:
See that crappy van? Says "Plumber"?

Parker:
Mm-hm.

Sophie:
Did you say "plumber"? That's their cover? Aw, aw, that is so cute. It's like it's 1978 all over again.

Hardison:
Relax. We're with the bureau. Howdy. Special Agent Thomas. This is special agent Hagen. She's fresh out of Quantico. I'm showing her all the hot spots, you know. Uh-Huh. Oh, by the way, we got your memo. We're moving it up the chain.

Taggert:
What? Hey. G-great. Thanks. Well, come on in. Sorry about the heat, and the smell.

Sophie:
Huh. How did he know that?

Nate:
Oh, the field guys are always sending memos. They just need validation.

Taggert:
I wish I could give you a sample, but the bug we planted in Moscone's barbecue is pretty spotty.

Hardison:
The bug?

Taggert:
Yes, sir.

Hardison:
Singular?

Taggert:
Absolutely.

Hardison:
Good-good work. Good work.

Parker:
I saw some rubber gloves. What do you do with those?

McSweeten:
Oh, actually, we've just been kind of blowing them up and playing volleyball. But, uh, yeah, if we need to do any kind of investigation…

Hardison:
All you have to do is rip them on my flash drive and run.

Eliot:
I don't have to type anything, right?

Hardison:
No, just plug it in. It does the rest.

Eliot:
All right, 'cause you know I just learned the Photoshop thing you told me.

Hardison:
I-I know. Baby steps.

Eliot:
So I just plug it in.

[Eliot walks into the server room, only to discover that the audio is on cassette tapes]

Hardison:
Now, audio files, they can take a little while to run, but, uh, the servers are pretty loud, so that should give you some cover.

Eliot:
It's tapes.

Hardison:
Wha-hold, wait. Did y-you just say "tapes"?

Eliot:
I just said "tapes"!

Hardison:
Cassette tapes?

Eliot:
Your little thing, it's not gonna work.

Hardison:
But at least you ain't got to type nothing.

Eliot:
Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a box full of surveillance tapes, huh?

Hardison:
Punch somebody!

Eliot:
[Threateningly] Oh, I'm gonna punch somebody.

Nate:
Can you break the codes?

Hardison:
The codes? The codes to the Cayman Bank and Trust, where the Cali cartel and the African dictators keep all their dirty money? The ones that Moscone changes anytime he damn well pleases? Like, it's c-come on. Dude, are you kidding me?

Nate:
You know, you're-you're very negative lately.

Eliot:
Yeah.

Nate:
And the sass, it doesn't-doesn't help.

[As they listen to a recording of Moscone and his wife arguing]

Sophie:
It's a bit like an opera, isn't it?

Eliot:
You mean 'cause I want to run away?

Nate:
Sophie. Where are we at?

Sophie:
Huh? I don't know, Nate. I think you need to ask yourself that question. You called me, remember? And now we're working together every day. I don't know what you want. And to ask me that dressed like a vicar? You're a very strange man.

Nate:
No, no, no. I meant where are we at with finding the money?

Nate:
How are we doing? How's the search?

Eliot:
I haven't started yet.

Nate:
Okay, you know, I haven't gotten one answer I was looking for today. What is it that you're doing? What's going on?

Eliot:
I'm cutting onion, deveining shrimp, uh, pan-searing some scallops. I've got 200 people I got to feed, all right? Back off.

Nate:
Okay, okay. Hmm.

Eliot:
What, you think the only thing I know how to do is bust heads?

Nate:
No, well, yeah.

Eliot:
Look, hold a knife like this—[forehand grip]—cuts through an onion. Hold a knife like this? [switches to a backhand grip] Cuts through, like, eight Yakuza in four seconds. Screams, carnage. People are like knives. Everything is in context.

Nate:
Hey, we find the money, we get out before it starts. You know, I swear, I never understood the lengths people go with these things. I mean, the endless--you know, the dresses, and the endless toasts, and the crying. And, and, you know, it's just--it's unbelievable to me. And everyone has a role to play, right? And the bride and groom at the end of the day, they go home with a pile of cash. And if you really think about it, the whole thing is just a giant, giant con.

Sophie:
Well...aren't you romantic.

Hardison:
I take it you've never been married.

Eliot:
No.

Hardison:
Ever come close?

Eliot:
No.

Hardison:
What was her name?

Eliot:
There was this girl I grew up with. But anyway, she married somebody else, so...

Hardison:
Hot damn. What did you do?

Eliot:
What did I do? I liberated Croatia.

Hardison:
Oh, see, now, me, I would have just got fat and started up a comic book shop. That's you and me right there.

Hardison:
I know that you're in charge of the bridesmaid dresses, but why are you wearing one?

Parker:
A bridesmaid dress is like an all-access pass at a wedding. Plus, I kind of said something and the maid of honor cried, and Sophie said I should make it up to her.

Hardison:
Looking much, much better in the same dress? Yeah, you let me know how that goes.

Parker:
You really think I look good?

Hardison:
[After setting the corsage] And now you're perfect.

Eliot:
What is it? I've got bacon on.

Parker:
The butcher is here.

Eliot:
Does he have the baby lamb chops?

Hardison:
No, the Butcher of Kiev.

Nate:
Think he'll recognize you?

[Flashback]

Butcher of Kiev:
I kill you!

[End Flashback]

Eliot:
Yeah, I think he'd remember me.

Hardison:
Why are y'all looking at me? Okay, look, the guest list didn't raise any red flags with the feds.

[In the FBI Van]

McSweeten:
Looks like Steve and Scott Miller arrived.

Taggert:
There sure are a lot of Millers at this wedding.

Sophie:
I'm staying.

Nate:
I'm sorry, you're...you're what?

Sophie:
I'm staying.

Nate:
You're staying? Sophie, Sophie, it's the Butcher of Kiev.

Hardison:
Have you ever been to Kiev? The cake-maker of Kiev would whoop all our asses. This is the Butcher.

Parker:
Go.

Eliot:
These peaches aren't gonna poach themselves, Parker.

Parker:
Sorry, Emeril.

Eliot:
What was that?

Parker:
You heard me.

Eliot:
Yeah. I'll show you. Bam!

Nate:
[acting as a priest] Because, you know, Maria, despite all the, all the fear and doubt that life brings, Adam, when he looks at you, Maria, you know, he knows that you have made him a better man, a better version of himself. And now that he's known you, he could never go back. And Maria, you know when you look at Adam, yes, you know you, you've made him a better man and he should probably just give up and agree with you.

[Nate walks in on the aftermath Eliot's fight with the Butcher of Kiev]

Nate:
Did you just kill a guy with an appetizer?

Eliot:
I dunno. Maybe.

Hardison:
It's about time. How did you get away from Sergei in the screening room?

Parker:
I pretended I was drunk and that we were meeting down there to have sex.

Sophie:
So, padre, a wedding's just a big con, huh? [walks away]

Nate:
I never said there was anything wrong with that.

Hardison:
This is pretty good, man.

Eliot:
Thanks, man. I squeeze, like, fresh lemon juice on it.

Hardison:
Cool. Cool.

Nate:
Did you clean out Moscone's accounts?

Hardison:
I left him five dollars for socks.

Eliot:
I hate to say it, but you know who we could really use--

Nate:
Don't even say his name. I don't want it spoken aloud.

Parker:
Target's on the 30th floor. You don't really expect us to--

[Team heads up the stairs, eventually reaching the 30th floor]

Eliot:
Great. Another key card.

Parker:
I'm gonna kill him.

Nate:
Not if I get to him first

[Parker blows through the door to get in]

Hardison:
Hello? Hey, hey, hey! Hey, guys. W-What's up?

Nate:
Where are you?

Hardison:
I'm at the office. What happened--there was a thing--my electricity went out.

Eliot:
I swear, when I see you--

Hardison:
My electricity, man--

Nate:
These people killed a kid, all right? They killed a bunch of kids. There's no way in hell we're gonna let them get away with it. We are going to get on that flight.

Eliot:
All right.

[open the door to the hall to find Parker waiting]

Parker:
So, what are we waiting for?

Eliot:
How does she do this?

Nate:
I don't even ask anymore.

Eliot:
Hardison, I don't need a ticket. I got an Air Marshal badge.

Sophie:
What if there's already a Marshal on the plane?

Eliot:
There's only one Air Marshal per every 100 flights.

Sophie:
Ooh, I know that's good for us, but I so wish I didn't know that.

[Parker is posing as a flight attendant after stealing a bag from the original woman assigned to the flight.]

Sophie:
[To Nate and Eliot] How did you both know there'd be an extra uniform in the bag?

Nate:
Everyone knows flight attendants are required to carry extra uniforms in case they get called to work unexpectedly.

Eliot:
Or if something happens to the one they're already wearing.

Sophie:
How does everyone know that?

[In unison]

Nate:
Worked airport security.

Eliot:
Slept with a flight attendant.

Hardison:
Let's see what we can learn about Nathan Ford today. Online poker? Online chess? Sudoku. Crossword. What...damn. Somebody needs to get laid.

Nate:
Hardison.

Hardison:
What's up? Yeah?

Nate:
Are you in my chair?

Hardison:
N- No, I--I'm not--I'm not in your--I'm at a desk--my desk--in my office, w-waiting on your call so you can tell me what I can do to help you a-and the team, boss. What's up?

Nate:
You can stop now.

Hardison:
Appreciate it.

[Later]

Nate:
And, Hardison?

Hardison:
Yeah?

Nate:
Don't forget to turn off my computer.

Hardison:
Well, how in the hell...[turns off computer]

Stewardess:
Who are you? Where's Becky?

Parker:
She got promoted. Did you not get the email?

Stewardess:
She got promoted? She only started a few months ago.

Parker:
She must really know how to pick 'em. A few more lay overs, and she'll be piloting one of these things, huh?

Sophie:
Okay, so, um...if we're gonna play "happy family," we should, you know, really get our background straight.

Nate:
Let's keep it simple--use our own back-story. Our wedding day is the day we met, which means we've been married for 8 years.

Sophie:
10 years. You don't remember when we met?

Nate:
No, of course I do. I was just rounding it off.

Sophie:
By subtracting two years?

[Sophie picks up magazine and Nate sighs]

Nate:
Is this gonna be a thing? A couple of years.

Parker:
[as a flight attendant, speaking before takeoff] In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. But let's face it, if this thing goes down in the water, more than likely, the impact will kill you.

[People give each other uncertain looks while Eliot rubs his face]

Parker:
Please take a moment to locate the nearest emergency exits. Because if this plane's on fire, you're gonna wanna get out quick. Jet fuel burns at over a thousand degrees! That's hot, folks.

[People murmur, looking even more concerned and confused]

Hardison:
What?

Steve:
Nothing. It’s just...I could've sworn I saw a maintenance guy get in that elevator.

Hardison:
A--A maintenance guy? Wow. Real nice. I bet you think we all look alike.

Steve:
That's not what I meant.

Hardison:
You know what? If I have to go to one more of those damn sensitivity seminars, I know who I’m blaming.

Steve:
No, no, no.

Hardison:
I know who I’m blaming.

Steve:
It's not what I meant.

Hardison:
I blame you! You!

Nate:
So we should focus on carry-on. No one checks bags full of cash.

Parker:
Might not be cash.

Eliot:
What's it gonna be, Parker? Gold bars? They don't exactly travel well.

Nate:
No, Parker's right. We could be looking at traveler's checks or bearer bonds...anything that packs light.

Marissa:
Could I have a ginger ale please?

Parker:
You've already had two.

Marissa:
Yeah, I know. It's like a placebo effect. It's not really working, but it makes you feel better anyway.

Parker:
Yeah? So, when's that supposed to kick in?

Parker:
Look, flying isn't really all that scary when you think about it. I mean, there are a lot more likely ways to die than on a plane: car crash, house fire, electrocution, drowning, auto-erotic asphyxiation. I mean, fact is, death haunts us every day, no matter where we are.

Sophie:
You know what that reminded me of?

Nate:
Yes, Paris. What?

Sophie:
It wasn't Paris. It was Tuscany.

Nate:
Are you sure? No, I could've sworn it was Paris.

Sophie:
It was Tuscany.

Nate:
It's a thing now, isn't it?

Sophie:
Oh, yeah.

Hardison:
Yeah, they transferred me from the second floor.

Cheryl:
Well, I don’t know what it was like in consumer integrations, but let me tell you, I have been working my butt off on this account. But Steve, no, he's just sitting back, waiting for me to fail. So he can swoop in and save the day. I swear, it's like he's a rogue and I’m a mage and we're part of the same guild, but secretly, he's at work with the Alliance to undermine us.

Hardison:
For the Horde.

Cheryl:
For the Horde. [fist-bump] You play 'World of Warcraft?'

Hardison:
You kidding? Did you get the new expansion pack? Woman, I was up all night. Now, look, I mean 'Burning Crusade' was great, but this new one is mind-blowing.

Nate:
Hardison...you bailed on the job because you were up all night playing a game?

Hardison:
First off, "game" is hardly adequate, okay?

Nate:
Have you even gotten into Haldeman’s office...or have you found a way to screw that up, too?

Hardison:
I'll figure something out.

Nate:
You can't skate by on talent and luck forever.

Parker:
Hatbox full of Euros, pouch of uncut diamonds, and a stolen Stradivarius. Now, I’ve never lifted one of those.

Nate:
Parker...

Sophie:
This is insane. Between the four of us, we've found millions of dollars of merchandise. None of it belongs to Genogrow.

Nate:
Cayman islands--thieves' holiday.

Sophie:
I think we should tell her.

Parker:
No way. That woman's already paranoid-crazy. We tell her there's a bounty on her head, and she's gonna lose it.

Sophie:
I think she has a right to know. Anyway, if Haldeman’s going to this much trouble, then she must have something, some information that could help us help our client. She's our smoking gun.

Nate:
Okay. Tell her.

Parker:
Don't say I didn't warn you.

Parker:
Erlick? The guy we just took out?

[Eliot looks at her]

Parker:
The guy Eliot just took out?

Nate:
How would they do it?

Eliot:
Easiest way? Take 'em out in transit.

Sophie:
You mean bring down the plane they're on?

[Everyone looks at her pointedly]

Sophie:
You mean bring down the plane we're on?

Nate:
Yeah.

Eliot:
When I knock people out, they tend to stay knocked out.

Hardison:
Parker, the device you found--is it anywhere near an orange box?

Parker:
Yeah.

Hardison:
Oh, god. They tapped into the black box.

Parker:
No, no, it's not black. It's orange.

Hardison:
Yeah, the black boxes, they're orange. Makes them easier to find in the debris.

Parker:
Oh. Oh...

Nate:
Hardison, we need you!

Hardison:
I don't--I--I don't know, Nate. I don't--I mean...I--I can override the software attack, but that means we would have to restart the flight's electrical system, which I have no idea how to do, because my knowledge of aeronautical engineering... is kind of limited to what I can pull off of Google in the next two minutes. And, brother, I don't--I mean--

Nate:
Listen to me! You can do this! I trust you! No matter how many times you goof off or screw up, you always come through in the clutch. You're the only guy I can count on in a situation like this.

Hardison:
You know what? I--I--you...you're right. You're right. I got this.

Nate:
Yes! Yes! Yes, you can!

Hardison:
You're right. You're-- I'm the man. I'm the man. I got this. I'm gonna do this.

Parker:
Then do it already!

Nate:
Sophie?

Sophie:
Yes?

Nate:
You okay?

Sophie:
Yeah. You?

Nate:
Ask me again in 10 minutes.

Sophie:
You're gonna remember this one, aren't you?

Nate:
Yeah.

Hardison:
Whoa! [gets up and dances] Baby! Unh! Age of the geek! Smooth! Too smooth! Lord, I was so scared, I wanted to cry, call my mama. Y'all cool? Y’all cool?

Nate:
Yes, cool.

Hardison:
Family. All right.

Hardison:
I have the attitude problem? No, brother, no, you got the attitude problem, okay? I gave my heart and my soul to this damn company, and this is how you repay me? And on my birthday!

Cheryl:
He was always so thoughtful.

Steve:
I never liked that guy.

Hardison:
Man, I love it when a plan comes together. '[no one answers him or looks at him] What? I said I was sorry. Hey, look, it all worked out okay. I mean, I was 3,000 miles away and still managed to save all y'all lives. [Eliot scoffs and walks away. Parker sighs and walks in another direction] You're welcome! Ungrateful...

Nate:
Well, it took ten years, but we had our first crash-landing.

Sophie:
Ten years. Thanks for getting it right this time.

Nate:
You're right. Ten years ago I saw you for the first time. You were swiping a Degas from a collection in Prague. I saw you. You saw me.

Sophie:
I ran. You chased.

Nate:
Then, two years later, I, uh, caught up with you in Damascus. Caught you, I should say. You, uh, turned around, introduced yourself, and that's when I met Sophie Devereaux. It'll be eight years next month.

Sophie:
Well played.

Nate:
Thank you.

Sophie:
I still don't understand how you can mix up Paris and Tuscany.

Eliot:
Where the hell is he at?

Hardison:
Maybe he overslept.

Eliot:
No. He doesn't oversleep. This guy sets an alarm to set his alarm.

Parker:
"A man with one watch knows the time. A man with two is never sure."

Sophie:
Huh?

Parker:
I had fortune cookies for breakfast.

[Nate walks in]

Nate:
Okay, run it.

Hardison:
So, what, you had left-over Chinese for breakfast?

Parker:
No, just the cookies.

Hardison:
Do you put milk on the fortune cookies? ‘Cause I don’t...

Parker:
It's not cereal. It's a fortune cookie. You don't dunk it.

[During the briefing]

Sophie:
Are you drunk?

Nate:
Technically, no. I was drunk a couple of hours ago. Now I'm just hung over.

Sophie:
I thought we had an agreement.

Nate:
What agreement?

Sophie:
That you'd sort yourself out.

Nate:
I don't remember making a deal.

Sophie:
No?

Nate:
No.

Sophie:
That's what we're afraid of.

Nate:
Okay, Parker. Go.

[Parker calmly dives off the lift, hanging by it from one hand, completely unconcerned]

Nate:
Parker? Parker? Parker?

Parker:
Hmm?

Nate:
What are you doing?

Parker:
Oh, yeah. [sounding bored] Help. Help. [to man on the lift] How you doin’?

Nate:
Oh, geez.

Sophie:
So, uh, you can write that little check now, eh?

Hardison:
Hey, why can't they all be this easy?

Randy:
Of course not. We have to go to Miami. My dad's the one who has to write the check.

Hardison:
Aw, hell, why they all got to be this hard?

[After catching Parker when she jumps out of a window]

Eliot:
How about a little warning next time? How'd you even know I'd be there?

Parker:
I didn't.

Nate:
All right, Sophie, do not take the check.

Parker:
What?!

Eliot:
What?!

Hardison:
I’m sorry, what?

Dennis:
Now, don't tell me this makes you squeamish, 'cause it's all legal. I just found a...a loophole.

Nate:
I said, "do not take the money."

[Sophie rips the check in half, Dennis is shocked]

Nate:
Now, you tell him this.

Sophie:
If what you're saying is you want to do real business, then I might have an opportunity for you, but it's for serious investors only. This is not something I would ever present to your brother.

Dennis:
Interesting.

Sophie:
Hardison, where were you when it mattered? He asked me to tear up the check, so I tore up the check.

Hardison:
I didn't make the decision to throw away everybody else's money, okay? That was you and Nate.

Parker:
Y'all are in cahoots.

Nate:
We're going with a much bigger scam. One of the classics.

Parker:
The "London Spank"?

Hardison:
The "Genevan Paso Doblé"?

Eliot:
The "Apple Pie"?

[everyone stares at him in confusion]

Eliot:
It's like The "Cherry Pie", but with lifeguards.

Sophie:
[savoring the thought] Ooh.

Nate:
[announcing the actual con they'll be doing] The "Glengarry Glen Death". It's like mutual fund, but instead of stocks, you invest in, in death. [Walks out to the balcony]

Parker:
Is it me or is he getting creepier?

Stone:
What business do you have here in Florida?

Nate:
I like the outlet malls.

Nate:
Can we give [Parker] a fake tumor?

Hardison:
Oh, we could inject her brain with some contrast dye and have it pool into her cranial cavity, but there might be some side effects.

Parker:
Like what?

Hardison:
Organ failure, death, death-like symptoms.

Parker:
I vote for Plan B.

Eliot:
You know, you could get another chamber, then put a brain with a tumor in that one and send the signal to the monitor for this chamber. Cross the wires.

[The team gives him curious looks]

Eliot:
What? I dated a neurologist.

Nate:
Somebody find me a brain. [walks out]

Parker:
Oh, yeah, he's definitely getting creepier.

Hardison:
[after losing to Eliot twice in Rock, Paper, Scissors] Well, I’ll be damned. How do you do that?

Eliot:
You have a tell.

Hardison:
I—I have a tell…

Eliot:
Yeah.

Hardison:
In Rock, Paper, Scissors...

Eliot:
Yeah. Go!

Nate:
Guys, you got to trust me, all right? You've trusted me before, and with your life.

Eliot:
[slams his hand down on the table] Not when you're drunk.

Nate:
Oh, come on.

Eliot:
You're not in control of yourself.

Nate:
So, what, you're gonna control me? Is that it?

Eliot:
Ah, I ain't your daddy. You can drink yourself into a coma as far as I’m concerned, but you take me down with you--then it's my problem.

Nate:
You know, you talk too much. You ought to just go skip some rope.

Eliot:
What? What? [gets up angrily]

Nate:
Skip some rope.

Eliot:
You want me to skip something? [heads across the room]

Sophie:
Hey, hey! [gets in front of Eliot]

Eliot:
I'll skip your drunk ass off this marble floor.

Nate:
Now, don't you dare give me the "we're all a family" speech.

Sophie:
Mnh-Mnh. No speeches. Just a question. Is this helping you? Hmm? If you give Wayne Scott back what he lost, will you be satisfied?

Nate:
You know me. I can do this.

Sophie:
I knew you two years ago.

Nate:
Well, I’m still the same person.

Sophie:
No. You're not

Nate:
No, I’m not.

Nate:
Yeah, it's a little bigger than the other place, but [tosses keys to Wayne] I hope it'll do.

Parker:
[to Hardison] Are you crying?

Hardison:
No. No. It's the Florida air. Pollen.

Sophie:
You never used to go in for theatrics.

Nate:
Well, like you said, I’ve changed.

Sophie:
You're still a mess. You know, one of these days, they may not stick around and back you up.

Nate:
They?

Sophie:
Yes. They. I'm me.

Nate:
Are you threatening to bail on me, Sophie?

Sophie:
[Smiling] Give me a reason to stay.

Sophie:
Bit early for that, isn't it?

Nate:
What--what's that? [sees her holding pop can] What does that matter? What does that matter? What matters is this nice woman runs a food bank--you know, that we keep her out of prison. That's what's the matter. Look, this guy is probably halfway around the world already. Let's go.

[tasked with going to a bunch of strip clubs to find Hurley]

Hardison:
Mmm. [to Nate] You know, I'm--I'm gonna need change for $100...in singles.

Nate:
I'm sorry. What? Y-you think I have 100 singles on me?

Hardison:
Don't get mad, but...I may have spilled slushie in your car.

Eliot:
That's like forty-four ounces, Hardison!

Hardison:
It's not that much...

Eliot:
The lid is floating in the damn floorboard, man!

Hardison:
Wow. You are...

Eliot:
It's running into the backseat!

Hardison:
Very dramatic.

Eliot:
When we get back to the office, you're cleaning this up.

Hardison:
Seriously? [Spots Jack leaving the bar]

Eliot:
You're cleaning this up as soon as we get back!

Hardison:
That's our guy, right there.

Eliot:
I'm not--don't try to change the subject!

Hardison:
Really? I almost had it in me to wash this car. Almost.

Eliot:
Ten bucks says you're washing the car.

Hardison:
I know it ain’t

[Hardison gets a gun from gang members during a fight and shoots their car before he and Eliot run away.]

Eliot:
Nice job, blowing out the engine block.

Hardison:
I was aiming for his leg.

[Beat]

Eliot:
Gimme the gun, Hardison!

Sophie:
Is he sleeping?

Hardison:
Could be a concussion.

Eliot:
No, I’ve had concussions. You don't snore.

Hurley:
Where am I? Last thing I remember, I was in my car. I could swear I hit something.

Nate:
Oh, yeah, you hit something, all right. A little thing called rock bottom. Welcome to rehab.

Hurley:
Oh, my god.

Sophie:
Yeah, no, you said you like to drink, but you didn't, you didn't characterize it as a problem.

Nate:
Well, 'cause it's not a problem. Drinking relaxes me and helps me focus.

Sophie:
Oh, I see. So you like to medicate yourself with alcohol, is that it?

Nate:
What are you doing? Listen, doctor, do you know what the definition of "addiction" is? Any compulsive behavior that has a negative impact on your life. So I guess we could say that those $1,500 boots that you're wearing are an addiction.

Sophie:
Well, I haven't heard any complaints.

Eliot:
It's right underneath the seat. All right? That means it's got to be pressure sensitive. If you move, this thing's gonna go off. Chill.

[Eliot lays back down to look at the bomb]

Hardison:
Pressure sensitive? It's pressure sensitive. You sure? Okay. Pressure. Pressure. Okay, um. Eliot, go-go g-get a bag of bricks, right. Bricks, and you put it on the seat at the same time I roll off.

Eliot:
That only works in the movies.

Hardison:
Bag of bricks is a good, sound plan!

[Hardison is stuck near a bomb that is about to explode.]

Hardison:
It's, uh, a computer bomb, I—I know computers. Computer bomb, um…we, we gotta—we gotta reboot the system! Yeah.

Eliot:
You want me to kick it?

Hardison:
God, I'm goin' to die.

Eliot:
What's our margin for error here?

Hardison:
About half a second.

Eliot:
Run the bag of bricks by me again.

Hardison:
[After a narrow escape from a bomb] I'ma go and…freshen up a little bit. Maybe cry a little.

Hardison:
Hey, Eliot, when you said you were gonna dive under that truck, you were gonna drag me with you, right?

Eliot:
Sure.

Hardison:
I'm serious, man. Don't play with me. I'm serious.

Sophie:
You look awful.

Nate:
Thank you. That's sweet. Do you need something, Soph?

Sophie:
You haven't had a drink in 48 hours. This is withdrawal.

Nate:
Soph, I’m not in rehab. Pretending.

Sophie:
Ah.

Nate:
Yeah.

Sophie:
Well, congratulations. You've got me fooled.

Receptionists:
What's your relationship?

Eliot:
Why?

Receptionists:
Second Act has a strict policy. Only family members can see patients. We want to make sure outside influences don't hamper our clients' recoveries.

Eliot:
I think that's an excellent policy. I'm Tom's brother. Hi. Mark.

[Eliot kisses the receptionists hand. She looks at Hardison]

Hardison:
I'm-I'm with him.

Receptionists:
So, you're a friend of…

Hardison:
No, no, I am—

[Hardison puts his arm through Eliot’s. Eliot stiffens]

Hardison:
I am with him. See, he thinks the flirting makes me jealous, but it doesn't. You know, but if you was, like, Brad Pitt or Denzel or somebody, oh, girl, it would be on, seriously.

Nate:
I don't, listen, I don't think I need to apologize for drinking. I need to apologize, maybe, for not drinking. Maybe I'm a bigger bastard sober than I am drunk. Huh.

Marcy:
If this is you sober, hell yeah.

Nate:
Thank you, Marcy.

Nate:
Listen, the guy, okay, he's an addict. You know, he's-he knows how to manipulate people. My father was an addict, my grandfather. I know how these people operate.

Sophie:
I'm just gonna let you think about that for a minute.

[while in rehab, a detoxing Nate hallucinates a visit from Sterling]

Sterling:
You know how to get rid of me. But that would violate all twelve steps, wouldn't it?

Sophie:
[Over the phone] How did you break him [Hurley]?

Nate:
Ah, well, um…

[Music playing in the background as Hurley is eating a taco]

Sophie:
You took him out for tacos? Nate, you're enabling him.

Hardison:
Whoa, whoa! I haven't slept in three days! I had a showdown with two different gangs, who now, by the way, know my face, I sat on a bomb, and all of this could have been avoided had you gave the man a taco?

Parker:
I did my job. You told me to get us into the penthouse.

Nate:
Yeah, by following my plan, Parker.

Parker:
What?

Nate:
By getting us all in safely.

Parker:
Did the elevator decapitate you? Did it decapitate you?

Parker:
[throws envelope on the table] This isn't for me. It's addressed to somebody named Alice White.

Hardison:
You are Alice White. It's one of the aliases I made for you: vegetarian, bookkeeper. She had a pretty wild time at her sister's wedding in Phoenix. You should check out her Facebook page.

Parker:
Alice White has jury duty.

Hardison:
Damn, I am good.

Parker:
Yeah, congratulations. Alice thanks you for getting her out of it.

Nate:
No. No. Jury duty. A place where you have to follow instructions.

Sophie:
Where you have to consider other people's point of view.

Eliot:
There's gonna be normal people there, Nate.

Nate:
No, no, no. You're not getting out of this. Alice White is reporting for jury duty.

Peggy:
[whispering to Parker] I hope the rest of this case is this good. [laughs]

Parker:
[whispering back] What'd you have for breakfast? You smell like gravy.

Earnshaw:
Nothing's more dangerous than the confused when they think they know something.

Sophie:
I think it's funny. You know, it reminds me a bit of rugby, except, well, you Americans, you wear the helmets and the pads and everything so you don't get hurt.

Hardison:
Oh, you didn't.

Sophie:
What?

Parker:
I think there's something dirty going on with this trial and the woman who lost her husband's gonna get hurt even worse, and that we should, um, you know, get involved.

Nate:
Involved? What--what do you--

Parker:
No, no, no. No, no, no. You don't understand. They had hidden cameras, and the lawyers had comms like our comms.

Hardison:
First, move! Second, nobody has our comms.

Nate:
Parker, listen, there is not some evil conspiracy lurking behind the curtain of every routine civic activity.

Hardison:
I make our comms. Me. I make 'em. Ain't nobody got our comms, do what I do.

Nate:
Now, what's happening is, you're on a boring jury trial. Okay? Now, could you... [Parker storms off] Parker! Just...

Sophie:
You know, she's never done that before.

Nate:
What, stormed out? Come on.

Sophie:
No, asked for our help.

Hardison:
You know, man, when I was a, when I was a kid, I was like 8 years old, I had a foster mom who was Jehovah’s Witness. She used to dress me up in a suit and a bow tie and take me door-to-door to spread the word. Black neighborhoods, white neighborhoods, didn't matter. I would kick, I’d scream, or whatever, but she would say "Alec, you need to learn how to talk to people." See, everything I learned about people, I learned ringing doorbells and-and-and being in a bow tie. Parker never had that. I mean, jumping from a skyscraper, she's cool. But making small talk? It’s-it's like pure terror. Just cut her some slack.

Nate:
All right. We have a new client. Apparently, there is an evil conspiracy lurking behind the curtain of every routine et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Juror:
And this is Emily. She's the eldest, and her sister Anne. And little Charlotte, she's the baby of the family.

Parker:
[Points to one picture] That one's really cute! [Points to another] What's wrong with that one? It looks like a dog in a baby suit.

Eliot:
It's your turn to be in the dumpster.

Hardison:
No, man, no. I-I have-I have peanut allergies. What if somebody threw in some extra crunchy Skippy? Then, you know, it's just a [wheezing] all up in my vocal area, man. Do you want to give me mouth-to-mouth? No, none of us want that. Hell no.

[Eliot throws a trash bag at Hardison’s head. Hardison looks up, angry]

Eliot:
Heads up.

Quint:
How much money are we talking?

[Sophie turned the sand pad, revealing the number 100,000,000]

Quint:
[Sputtering] You...you're serious?

Sophie:
I flew 14,000 kilometers to give you that number.

Quint:
That's a very long trip.

Sophie:
That's a very long number.

Sophie:
Okay, today did not go well, but that's all right. You know, we learn when we fail. We're gonna-we're gonna go back to basics, and we're gonna do a little role-playing. Gonna start with-with persuasion techniques. So, Eliot has an apple. Alice has an orange.

Eliot:
I love apples. Apples are my favorite fruit.

Parker:
Good for you, sparky.

Eliot:
I-I don't have to sit here and take this crap.

Sophie:
Go on. Just do it for me.

Eliot:
You have an orange, all right? Now, convince me that I want the orange, not the apple. I'm gonna take a bite. [slowly brings the apple to his mouth and takes a bite]

Parker:
I put a razor blade in that apple.

Eliot:
[He spits the bite of apple out] Are you serious?

Parker:
Maybe. But do you know what doesn’t have a razor blade in it? This orange. [smells the orange] Don't you want it? [tosses the orange at Eliot and leaves]

Sophie:
You fell for that?

Peggy:
I'm starving!

Parker:
Me too. I could kill for a steak.

Peggy:
I thought you were a vegetarian.

Parker:
Oh, yeah. I meant a bean steak. A steak made out of beans, held together with soy glue.

Peggy:
Alice, we all cheat a little. I mean, I’m a nutritionist, and I spend all day teaching people to eat healthy. But if I have a bad day, I go home and plow into a tub of ice cream.

Parker:
Wait! Wait a second. That was a secret. You just told me a secret, right? That's something friends do.

Peggy:
Well, I guess so. You're the nicest one here.

Parker:
Really? I mean, thanks.

Earnshaw's Assistant:
Ma'am, it all checks out. Unless Gloria Vargas found some guy who created a CIA Level cover story and fake identity...

Sophie:
All I need for you is to settle your current legal matters. We can't go into business with you with bad press.

Quint:
Earnshaw says if we settle, we open ourselves up to lawsuits--

Sophie:
We don't care about more lawsuits. With a billion people in the workforce, a few deaths won't raise an eyebrow.

Quint:
Government won't crack down?

Sophie:
Mr. Quint, it takes five years to get a parking permit.

Hardison:
I literally cannot make this slower or any more boring. Okay? You know why they say Justice wears a blindfold? So you can't see that Justice is asleep.

Nate:
I am sure there's reservoirs of boring you have yet to plumb.

[Skip to Hardison presenting his case]

Hardison:
Slide 162, this is, this is good stuff. Dr. Goldferb, hi, can you tell us how the chemicals work their way into the neurotransmitters?

Judge:
Is this going anywhere, counsel?

Hardison:
Oh, I assure you, Your Honor, the next 100 slides are essential.

Parker:
What are we supposed to do now?

Nate:
We win the trial.

Hardison:
Wha—I'm sorry, the impossible trial? The trial that can't be won?

Nate:
Yep. That one.

Nate:
A jury is 12 people. Just talk to them. You've been doing it your whole life. Just put on your bow tie and ring the doorbell.

Hardison:
I'm-I'm sorry.

Gloria:
For what?

Hardison:
Me. You deserve better.

Gloria:
You're the best lawyer we ever had. Thank you so much.

Hardison:
You know, a week ago, you were all strangers. And then the same thing happened to all of you. You got that envelope. You know the one. Comes in the mail, it says "County of Los Angeles" on the top. You open it like this, "Oh, god," you know. A week passes, you watch the witnesses parade through. You listen to the lawyers argue, suddenly, you're not strangers anymore. Some of you have even made friends. It's not as bad as you thought, right? But then the judge asks you to deliberate. Then you have a moment of doubt. "I'm not a doctor, I’m not a scientist. How can I tell if Ernesto Vargas died from using Fastlife? How-how-how can I be sure?" But that envelope entrusted you with the most important obligation of citizenship, and that is to find the truth. It's so important that we dare not give it to one person but to 12 strangers. Now, all I ask is that you-you go into that room and you work together and you find the truth. I have faith that you'll reach a just decision.

Earnshaw:
We take a juror, and our juror gets removed. We take their lawyer. Another lawyer shows up. A company tries to take Quint. I take the company. It's almost... [looks at chess piece] It's ridiculous.

Nate:
Did you realize what you just did? What you did? You won a jury trial without cheating.

Hardison:
Without chea--I hacked a government no-fly list and used it to humiliate a witness.

Nate:
Excessively. "Cheating excessively" is what I meant. But, I mean, think about it, I mean, if you applied yourself, Hardison, you could be anything you want.

Hardison:
You know what? I could. I could. You know, next week, I think I’m gonna be an astronaut.

Nate:
Well, that's not really what I meant. I meant if you studied, you’d--

Hardison:
Yeah, if I--Who needs to study? You know, I’m gonna be a surgeon. A surgeon--ER. Surgeon.

Parker:
Alice made a friend!

Eliot:
I'm gonna tell you one more time. You made a friend. Not "Alice."

Parker:
Oh. Cool! Well, think she'll want to go steal a painting with me?

Sophie:
Start small, Parker. Try coffee.

[Nate is pointing a gun at Blackpoole]

Ian Blackpoole:
Are you here to kill me, Nate?

Nate:
Not tonight.

Blackpoole:
Well, in that case, come in. There's shrimp. [walks away]

Nate:
I do love shrimp. [tosses gun away]

Blackpoole:
My wing in the museum opens this weekend. Little celebration for the fundraisers.

Nate:
Yeah, blood money buys the best art.

Nate:
Are we still unclear? I'm a functioning alcoholic, you know? And the trick is not to get hung up on the "alcoholic." But celebrate the "functioning" part of the sentence.

Eliot:
You're getting worse.

Hardison:
This--this is messing you up, man.

Parker:
[reading from a notepad] We can't keep watching you do this to yourself.

Nate:
Is this my intervention?

[team throws their notes on the table]

Hardison:
Man, am I glad I don't have to break in there. That is one sick security system.

Parker:
What, with our tools? Give me three days of prep, it'd be like taking diamonds from the French National Bank. That's like taking candy from a baby.

Hardison:
I got it.

Parker:
A very easy thing to do.

Hardison:
Got...it.

Parker:
Oh, look, little buddy. [picks up fake statue] That's your new home!

Hardison:
Can you please not play with the little naked man? Please.

Parker:
I'm not. [sets the statue down]

Ian:
Nate. Why did you come to me?

Nate:
Well, I knew you'd pay the best price. Renaissance art is your life. Guilt was a bonus.

Ian:
You hate me.

Nate:
Yeah. Of course I hate you. I mean, what--what? You think I want to be here? I don't have a choice, all right?! I'm drunk, I’m broke, I'm living out of my car, I just want the paycheck, and at this point, I don't care where it comes from.

[Eliot and Maggie walk up behind Nate]

Maggie:
Nate?

Nate:
Maggie.

Sophie:
You honestly think that we can fool Maggie with a fake?

Nate:
No. She's too smart and too experienced. When we worked together, there was nobody better.

Sophie:
A simple "no" without the cheerleading would have done. This does complicate things.

Hardison:
No, no, Nate. We haven't done any prep, we don't have our tools.

Parker:
You want me to break into a secure storage facility with whatever I can scrounge up the buffet table?

Nate:
Pretty much. Yep.

Parker:
[Smiling] Cool.

Parker:
We should pretend to make out.

Hardison:
Make what?

[Parker grabs Hardison and they begin to kiss and she pushes the door open a little]

Hardison:
Let's talk about-- A little bit--

[Parker and Hardison continue to make out. Two guards approach and seem embarrassed. One clears his throat]

Guard:
You, uh, bumped the door there. Sets the alarm off.

Hardison:
You know what?

Parker:
Oh.

Hardison:
We, you know how it is.

Parker:
Sorry.

[While Parker is breaking into Blackpoole's vault]

Hardison:
You did not just think about this on the way in from the van.

Parker:
Some people do crosswords.

[Parker tosses the real David to Hardison who catches it]

Hardison:
Wha-you-- Don't throw the David.

Parker:
You caught it, didn't you?

Hardison:
You're crazy.

Eliot:
I'm sorry your wife gave me her phone number.

Nate:
Don't want to talk about it.

Eliot:
I-It was only to coordinate where we were gonna go anyway.

Nate:
Not talking about it.

Eliot:
I gotta be honest with you, there was a second I—

Parker:
[Excitedly] WE JUST STOLE AN EIGHT MILLION DOLLAR STATUE! On, like, our day off!

Sophie:
Maggie, works for the man who let your son die? She doesn't have a problem with that!

Nate:
: She doesn't know! [Sophie looks at him in shock] She doesn't know that IYS and Blackpoole denied Sam’s treatment.

Sophie:
How can she not know?

[Nate sits down and takes a shaky breath]

Nate:
She doesn't know, because I never told her.

[After making the deal, Nate punches Blackpoole]

Sophie:
Was that absolutely necessary?

Nate:
He wouldn't have believed a handshake. And it felt good. Hardison, where are you?

Sterling:
[To Nate, over Parker's comm] Let's see how many birds we have in hand. You know this is Parker's. Now, Alec Hardison?

Soldier:
[Over Hardison's comm] Accounted for, Mr. Sterling. And we have the cash, too.

Sterling:
Marvelous. Mr. Spencer?

Eliot:
[Over the comm] Hey, Sterling. I got some dental work with your name on it. What do you say we hook up so I can give it to you?

Sterling:
Seems that Mr. Quinn was not quite as effective as promised. Still, two birds in the hand are worth three in the bush.

Sterling:
Do you remember when we were friends? After work, we used to come up here, have a drink, watch the sun set.

Nate:
We were never friends, Sterling.

Sterling:
So the answer to my question would be no, then.

Eliot:
Nate, we're done here. Hardison!

Hardison:
Wait, Eliot. Eliot, come on.

Eliot:
You've got to be kidding me, man.

{Eliot goes to help Hardison carry the painting out]

Hardison:
Bring it out, come on.

Eliot:
This is just weird.

Hardison:
I painted this.

[Hardison leaves a video message on the monitors for Sterling and his goons when they break into the Leverage offices]

Hardison:
Hey, Sterling! Get out of our house!

[the screens switch to a countdown timer for a bomb]

[After they run out of the building]

Busey:
Maybe he was bluffing.

[Building explodes]

Sterling:
That's a funny thing about con men. They don't bluff.

Nate:
I got out of sales.

Ian:
So, what are you in now?

Nate:
Theft. Yeah, I’m going to rob the Two Davids gallery on opening day.

Sterling:
Aren't you gonna call the, uh, police?

Ian:
Of course not.

Ian:
We're done here.

Nate:
Yeah, I’ve got some errands, too. Rope, masks, knockout gas! Be seeing you, Sterling.

[the team walks up to a mansion]

Nate:
Hardison, what is this?

Hardison:
Yeah, well, since Sterling blew our covers, I had to find a new safe house. Lay low.

Sophie:
This is your idea of laying low?

Parker:
Who ripped out the toilets?

Hardison:
This was an IRS foreclosure. I got it cheap.

Eliot:
IRS doesn’t take toilets.

Hardison:
They do when they're solid gold. This used to be MC Hammer's place. I guess you can touch this, with a S.W.A.T. team and a federal warrant.

Hardison:
How'd you know we'd be there?

Nate:
Last week before the exhibit opens, security almost in place, but not fully staffed. Best time to case the joint. Plus, I did chase all of you at one point or another.

Nate:
Why'd you come back? We agreed to scatter for six months. All of you–all of you—made an amateur move being there.

Parker:
It's too hard to leave a job undone. It's like an itch.

Hardison:
I put a lot of work into us, into that office. It was like my second home. I blew up my second home.

Eliot:
As annoying as you people are, I quit this crew when I quit this crew. Nobody makes me leave.

Sophie:
I just, I really wanted to hurt Sterling.

Sophie:
It's going to be twice as hard to steal those statues.

Nate:
Oh, no, no. It'll be four times as hard. They know we're coming.

Parker:
And how do they know that?

Nate:
I went to their office and told them.

Parker:
I can get around those.

Eliot:
Really? And end up on one of the new 20 cameras they got down there from our last little trip to the basement?

Parker:
That was fun.

Hardison:
Yeah. Could we talk about that?

Parker:
Talk about what?

Nate:
Grifter, hitter, hacker, thief. You were all trying to solve your version of the crime instead of just trying to...solve the crime. There’s a reason we work together.

Eliot:
We can't run a con. They know our faces.

Parker:
What about Maggie?

Sophie:
Exactly. I mean, most of the museum people aren't gonna recognize us, But Maggie. She works down there.

Parker:
No, what about Maggie? She's inside.

Eliot:
You just said that. She just said--

Hardison:
No, wait. No, hold--Listen. Listen, I get--I get it. Just have Eliot call her as Dr. Sinclair. We won't play her. He'll just feel her out.

Nate:
Have Eliot...feel out my wife?

Sophie:
Ex, Nate. Ex-Wife.

Parker:
Okay, look, you always have a Plan B right? So, fine. Without Maggie, what's the Plan B?

Ian:
Dr. Lloyd, this is no longer a museum. It's a vault with visiting hours.

Eliot:
She probably just really wants some hot coffee.

Nate:
Shut up!

Eliot:
It's not like a date. [pulls his hair back]

Nate:
Are you kidding me? You're fixing your hair?

Eliot:
Because I’m playing the Professor Sinclair dude!

Eliot:
You come here a lot?

Maggie:
No. I just wanted to see you.

[the rest of the team is sitting around a laptop, watching the display]

Sophie:
That's a date.

Parker:
Did we really need to put a button cam on Eliot?

Nate:
Safety issue.

Maggie:
I haven't dated a lot since my marriage broke up.

Eliot:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Maggie:
No, don't be. He was obsessive, perfectionist, controlling.

[Nate, Sophie, Hardison and Parker are listening in Lucille]

Nate:
Organized! She used to say I was organized. And punctual.

Hardison:
Mm-hmm.

Eliot:
He must have had some good qualities.

Maggie:
No, not even in bed.

Parker:
Ooh!

Maggie:
Every night was prom night. You know what I mean? But worst of all, he completely forgot that I gave him that same button camera for Christmas three years ago.

[everyone looks at Nate as the doors open. Maggie and Eliot look into the van]

Nate:
I can explain.

Maggie:
That whole sob story about being broke, and sleeping in your car, and being a drunk.

Nate:
Was! Was broke. Was sleeping in the car. The drunk thing, not quite in the past tense.

Maggie:
Blackpoole's a bastard, Nate. He was a bastard when you worked for him. What's changed? Just help me understand.

Nate:
I have to tell you something, Mag. [sits down on a bench] Please.

Maggie:
What?

Nate:
Mag, when Sam was in stage 4, I found a treatment that would've helped him. And I went to Ian to pay for it, and he wouldn't.

Maggie:
He wouldn't?

Nate:
He wouldn't. I told him we had mortgaged the house, sold the car, that we were broke, and he still wouldn't pay the claim. 20 years at that company, and they wouldn't help save our son.

Maggie:
Why didn't you tell me this? I work with these people, Nate. I am friendly with them. You just let me walk around like an idiot. He’s my son too! [wipes tears]

Nate:
I know, I know.

Maggie:
Why have you just been carrying this around all this time?

Nate:
I didn't want you to hate me, Maggie.

Maggie:
Why would I hate you?

Nate:
I do. If I had ever seen you look at me the way I looked at myself in the mirror, I would've blown my damn brains out.

Maggie:
You actually expect this to work?

Nate:
Um...

Hardison:
No, you're supposed to say "Wow, that's just crazy enough to work!"

Sophie:
Incredibly, chance does seem to bend itself to his bizarre machinations.

Parker:
[whispering to Maggie] That's his superpower.

Maggie:
Nate?

Nate:
Hmm?

Maggie:
You can't just make somebody do what you want them to do.

Eliot:
Whoa.

[Everybody chuckles]

Hardison:
That's what we do. I mean…

Parker:
[pets Maggie's head] You're adorable.

Nate:
Maggie, it won't fall out. Just pretend it's not there.

Maggie:
Yeah, just forget my ex-Husband's voice in my head, telling me what he thinks I should do. I'm in therapy to solve this problem.

Maggie:
So nobody else finds it annoying when you nag them in the middle of these things?

Sophie:
Why don't I run this one, Nate?

Nate:
Yeah.

Nate:
I don't nag. You know, I just have, you know, a clear big-picture viewpoint.

Hardison:
Actually, you know what? We did kind of like the way Sophie ran the last one.

Eliot:
Yeah. Yeah. Up until the point where she got us caught, but other than that, it was great.

[As they begin to pull a con on Director Lloyd]

Sophie:
[To Maggie] Okay, why don't you run up to him. Be just a little bit out of breath. It changes the speech rhythms, makes it harder to detect a lie.

Hardison:
You see? Like that right there. It's informative.

Eliot:
You learn, and you con.

Hardison:
Oh. Well, looky here. Dr. Ernst Volk, University of Berlin, dead. Dr. Schliemann, London Museum, dead. Oh. Oh, and also the three guys that actually discovered the tomb. Eliot, what does that say?

Eliot:
It says "dead".

Hardison:
D-E-D, dead, baby.

Eliot and Nate:
D-E-A-D!

Hardison:
I... I know how to... I was throwing a little style in it, just a little bit. A little style. I know how to spell "dead," damn it! I can steal a bank, I can spell "dead"!

Eliot:
You need something?

Sophie:
I was just trying to make myself useful.

Eliot:
Yeah, well, last time you tried that, we had to blow up the office.

Sophie:
That's not fair.

Eliot:
I was just getting used to it.

Sophie:
What? Having an office?

Eliot:
Being part of a team.

Sophie:
Look, I didn't mean, you know, it wasn't supposed to go down like that.

Parker:
What's going on?

Eliot:
Sophie here was just trying to apologize.

Sophie:
No, I wasn't.

Parker:
She tried that with me earlier. She kind of sucks at it.

Eliot:
A little bit.

Hardison:
Oh, did she give you the speech about how we're thieves and about how this is what thieves do and if we were in her shoes, we'd have done the same thing?

Eliot:
No, I think she was just getting to that part. [Pauses] You apologized to him first, huh? Why am I last?

Sophie:
I wasn't apologizing. I...

Eliot:
That's the problem.

Sophie:
I just wanted to see if w-we… we were all okay with each other.

Eliot:
Okay. There it is.

Parker:
I forgive you.

Hardison:
Apology accepted.

Eliot:
Yeah.

Sophie:
No, I wasn't— unh-unh, you, I didn't...

Sterling:
Eliot Spencer?

[Eliot walks behind Geary and Sterling, pausing to listen for a moment as they walk away from him]

Geary:
Eliot Spencer, wanted in five countries, including Myanmar, which is offering a half-million-dollar bounty on his head.

Sterling:
Bringing Spencer to justice and getting paid for it? It's icing on the cake.

Sterling:
Parker?

Geary:
Parker. Wanted in nine countries, including Brazil and Yemen.

Sterling:
Yeah, tough choice. I'll have to flip a coin.

[Parker is working in the gift shop of the lobby, watching them walk by]

Sterling:
How about Sophie Devereaux?

Geary:
England, France, Spain, Luxembourg--Europe, basically.

Sterling:
France. Wonderful shopping, horrifying prisons.

[they walk past Sophie, who stifles a laugh]

Sterling:
Alec Hardison

Geary:
Well, he better not show his face in Iceland.

Sterling:
Perfect. I'll drop him off on my way to France.

Ian:
Well, well, well. What the hell are you doing here?

Nate:
Well, I bought a ticket. It's open to the public.

Sterling:
I don't think--

Ian:
Of course. Enjoy yourself.

Nate:
[to Sterling] You heard him.

Ian:
Conspiracy to commit robbery is what, five years? Catching him in the act, 20.

Sterling:
Look at this! Directly under the Davids. Out of the sight lines of the cameras. They're gonna drill right up and through the display base.

Geary:
Who? Who?

Sterling:
Whoever's hiding in that sarcophagus. Come on.

[Geary and Sterling pry open the sarcophagus to reveal a mummy that falls to the floor, leaving a cloud of dust]

Lloyd:
That's a mummy.

Sterling:
Gotcha, Nate.

Nate:
Yes, that was the whole point.

Security:
Power's back up in about 15 seconds.

Sterling:
What do you mean?

Nate:
You know, all that chasing me around. 'Don't let Nate Ford near the two Davids.' 'How is Nate Ford gonna get the two Davids?' I wasn't the mastermind on this one, Sterling. I'm the bait. Three, two, one.

[gates open and lights come up revealing that all the paintings have been stolen from the walls. Everyone looks around, stunned]

Lloyd:
We need to call the police.

Nate:
Yes, he's right. We really should call the police.

Ian:
No, not the police.

Lloyd:
What do you mean?

Ian:
No, I’m responsible! All the paintings in this room, they were my responsibility. No, they were all loaned to me...

Sterling:
Oh, well done.

Nate:
Every single masterpiece in this room is insured by IYS. That's a $150 million payout. Now, what do you think your board of directors are gonna do when they realize that you've lost the company $150 million?

Ian:
[pulls out a gun] Where are they?

Sterling:
Clear the room!

Nate:
Are you here to kill me, Ian?

'[Ian cocks the gun]

Nate:
Hmm. Here's how it's gonna go, Sterling.

Sterling:
I'm all ears.

Ian:
No, you talk to me, not to him. You talk to me.

Nate:
Every single painting will be returned to IYS the moment Ian Blackpoole is stripped of his position and all his assets in the company. Also, his policy of denying every claim, that ends.

Sterling:
Extortion?

Nate:
I prefer to think of it as oversight.

[after realizing that Nate's actions will cost him everything, Blackpoole tries to hold him at gunpoint]

Blackpoole:
IYS is my company!

Nate:
[quoting Blackpoole] "You can't let personal feelings affect policy! You have a responsibility to shareholders. No exceptions." [Snatches the gun away] I have lost my only son. Do you really think you scare me?

Maggie:
[Punches Blackpoole] Screw therapy! That felt really good.

Sterling:
Of course, you know your entire plan depended on me being a self-serving, utter bastard.

Nate:
[smirks] Yeah, that's a stretch.

Maggie:
Will you stop now?

Nate:
I don't know.

Maggie:
Interesting.

Nate:
Hmm?

Maggie:
You admitting you don't know something.

Maggie:
You are not the man I married.

Nate:
Well, what do you think of this version?

Maggie:
I don't love him. But I might like him a little more.