Lost Girl, Season 1

Bo:
Would've dropped you off, but none of these wallets seem to be yours. Nice little sideline you got goin' there.

Kenzi:
I'm a collector of rare wallets.

Kenzi:
Screw it, I gotta know. Some things are too stupid to say out loud, so...[she writes 'I am an alien' and 'I am a demon' with tickboxes]

Kenzi:
Learn to enjoy your shit already, you can frickin' control people by touch, and not in a creepy hand job way. That is awesome!

Bo:
What the hell were those freaks that I just met?

Lauren:
They're Fae. An evolutionary branch that predates on humans.

Bo:
So am I Fae?

Lauren:
Yes. Well... that's your genus, not your species.

Bo:
And for those of us who flunked biology?

Lauren:
I meant... Fae is a general classification. There are many different types.

Bo:
So what type are you?

Lauren:
The insatiably curious human doctor type. I'm in it for the science.

Bo:
Oh, kinky. Now for the million-dollar question. What kind of Fae am I?

Bo:
[after kissing Dyson] Oh. Wow! Did you- Did you feel that? That was like- That was like the 4th of July in my mouth!

Dyson:
They're gonna underestimate you; use that to your advantage.

Bo (with more respect than earlier):
I misjudged you. You got any other advice?

Dyson (tersely):
Don't get dead.

Bo:
And you're back to being an asshole. Nice.

Kenzi:
I'm not crazy, right? That all just happened?

Bo:
Yep. And now we know- Anyone can be Fae.

Kenzi:
My bet's on wiener dude. So... what now?

Bo:
We go home and we figure out the rest tomorrow.

Kenzi:
"We," huh?

Bo:
I gotta figure out some way to make a living while I'm here, and you're the one who thought we'd be a good team, so yeah, "we."

Kenzi:
Cool. Just so we're clear about this partnership, you being you and all, uh, but I'm only into guys. Sorry.

Bo:
I'll try to contain my disappointment.

Bo:
It's kind of tough growing up thinking you might have a shot at being prom queen, and then to find out that you're part of some ageless secret race that feeds on humans.

Kenzi:
I hate it when that happens.

Kenzi:
Easy! God! Not everyone here is a nookie-powered Amazon!

Hale:
Saturday night I'm out with Katia, the girl I was telling you about?

Dyson:
Remind me. Human or Fae?

Hale:
This girl is all Fae. Okay? So after dinner, we're back at her place, having a drink, listening to some music, one thing kind of leads to another...

Dyson:
Amazing how that happens, huh?

Hale:
Yeah, so we're kissing right? She's running her hands through my hair, unbuttoning my shirt, stroking my man chest.

Dyson:
Stop it.

Hale':
Only suddenly, there are a few too many hands. Yeah. I open my eyes… two of her, man. Yeah.

Dyson:
A gemini?

Hale:
Yes, both of them drop-dead gorgeous, both of them wanting it bad.

Dyson:
Just the way you are qualified to deliver, my friend.

Hale:
Dude… I have sung my way into a lot of women's pants over the years but I promise you, this was the most profound night of my life, man.

Dyson:
[Bo wakes up to see if Dyson is alive] It's rude to stare, you know.

Bo:
I'm sorry. This is just so incredibly weird for me. You have no idea.

Dyson:
Why weird?

Bo:
Because, you're the first person I've ever woken up next to that… Isn't dead.

Dyson:
Well, if it's any consolation, I can now officially say, they died with a smile on their face.

Bo:
What?!

Kenzi:
Looks like somebody had an overnight guest, hmm? A gentleman caller, if you will.

Bo:
Will you just relax? You know he was just here to heal me.

Kenzi:
[laughs] Apparently he healed you all night long.

Bo:
Can you just try to grow up for a second here, okay, and not make such a big deal out of this?

Kenzi:
Totally. But if I was gonna make a big deal, like, how big are we talkin'? Just ballpark me. What?! He's Fae. I'm just asking for science.

Bo:
So no shopping, no texting, no talking in 48 hours.

Kenzi:
Which makes her either dead or over 40.

Bo:
Going undercover at Gina's school. (Kenzi squeaks in delight) Dyson got me in as campus security.

Kenzi:
Ooh! Me, too?

Bo (carefully):
Sort of. (Kenzi takes a pink top out of the bag)

Kenzi:
Wait, what kind of security guard wears pink? (Bo almost smiles. Kenzi suddenly gets it. Shocked horror whisper) Oh, no!

Kenzi (dressed as a sorority girl):
I hate you long time.

Bo:
I'm gonna take a look around her office tonight, so wish me luck. And (knowingly) Kenzi...

Kenzi (as she's zipping up a boot which isn't hers):
Uh-huh?

Bo:
Stop stealing shit.

Kenzi:
Now that just plain hurts.

Kenzi:
Why do you look like you're not at all sharing this monster hangover?

Bo (chipper):
What can I say? For me, sexual healing is a literal thing.

Kenzi:
I hate you.

Bo:
I hope the neighbours don't call the cops.

Dyson:
I am the cops.

Bo:
Oh, well, thank you for responding to my emergency, officer.

Kenzi:
Dude, I can't believe I backed you with Bo. You made me look like a total tool. And the worst part is, you treated her like shit, but somehow, you're forgiven. That is why I'm no longer on team Dyson.

Hale:
That's your third energy drink, and you still look like shit.

Dyson:
Hale, she is relentless. This is the first break I've had all week.

Hale:
I'm gonna do you a favor and give Bo my digits, and I'll cover your shift. Huh?

Dyson:
I can manage, brother. Thanks, though.

Hale:
Clearly. So listen, what's it like with a succubus? Tell me.

Dyson:
You remember Daphne?

Hale:
The nymph?

Dyson:
Uh-huh.

Hale:
Hourly. Yes!

Dyson:
Well, I lost her number, and I don't even care.

Hale:
Damn!

Dyson:
What is this, a blind date gone bad, huh?

Kenzi:
Yeah, that's right. Mock the human, 'cause that's not getting old. None of you take me seriously, okay, except Bo, and I want to keep it that way.

Dyson:
Then I won't mention this little debacle.

Kenzi:
All right. Then I won't tell her how much it hurts you every time you two are together. Yeah, I noticed. But we both know it's worth it.

Dyson:
What, are you back on team Dyson?

Kenzi:
You wish.

Dyson:
Come on, we're gettin' T-shirts!

Kenzi:
I'm always putting my foot in my mouth, but at least I know it's MY foot!

Guard:
You aren't cleared to be here, ma'am.

Bo:
Oh, I know, but I just love a man in uniform.

Guard:
Honey, that makes two of us.

Kenzi:
[in Trick's cellar] Did I just wake up in Narnia? Or is that the fever talking?

Kenzi:
I'm frickin' freezing, dude. Can you, like, wolf out and lie on my feet?

Dyson:
Maybe later.

Bo:
[after bickering about how messy their house is] This is our first fight- our first real fight.

Kenzi:
Mazel Tov?

Bo:
It's like we're real-life sisters. [she hugs Kenzi]

Kenzi:
For walking viagra, you're such a nerd.

Hale:
Hi, nana, nice babushka. You runnin' some new gypsy con?

Kenzi:
I'm an innocent entrepeneur...(Hale laughs sceptically)...who will cut you in at 5%.

Hale:
As you were. (They high-five)

Kenzi:
So, did you pick a lovah, or did Dr. Freeze and Canine Crotch fight to death?

Kenzi:
Don't give up yet - his eyes say no, but his inner wolf says awoooo, yes! And Lauren?

Bo:
She's human, I could kill her.

Kenzi:
Thought she fixed your hungry honeypot?

Bo:
Be a hell of a test run, with someone that I care about.

Kenzi:
Poor Bo - so many choices, just one vag.

Kenzi:
"A natural source of minerals and vitamins". So no Vicodin.

Kenzi:
[hearing whispering] Do you hear that?

Bo:
What?

Kenzi:
I don't know. It sounds like- like whispering kids or giggling elves. Did you bring home elves last night? I'm not judging, I just want to know...

Bo:
Oh, that is a lot of web for a wee little spider.

Kenzi:
'Wee'?! You could put a saddle on that thing!

Trick:
'He who lies in the mud rises dirty'.

Lauren:
Less Gaelic wisdom, more looking for makeshift surgical tools.

Kenzi:
Smells like fried bitch!

The Ash:
Child, you mean well. But you toy with elements you don't understand.

Bo:
So do you.

Bo:
So I have to be owned to be free?

Dyson:
No, just to stay breathing.

Bo:
Well, I don't accept that. Maybe you just never tried hard enough for something more.

Dyson:
I've tried. (pause) You can stay with me tonight. You need more healing than Lauren's little needles can give you.

Bo:
I needed your help tonight - not your pity.

Bo:
Sorry to keep bugging you with all these questions; it's just there's so many different types of Fae. I wish there were some kind of book or something to keep track - (at this exact point, Trick puts a large, heavy book on a table with a considerable thump) I also want a pony.

Bo (tearfully):
Were you sent here?

Lauren:
Let me explain -

Bo:
WERE YOU SENT HERE?!

Lauren:
Yeah. Look, it's not what you think! Just -

Bo (savagely, pulling on her jacket):
You have no idea what I think, and less about what I feel, or you could not have done this to me!

Lauren (despairingly):
I - I'm sorry! Goddamn it, Bo, I'm trying to protect you! I haven't done anything wrong!

Bo:
You are in my bed...because he told you to be. Everything...about that...is wrong!

Bo (bitter and scathing):
Don't forget your dog collar. (She throws the necklace at Lauren)

Vex (merrily):
Care for a drink?

Bo (in agony from the knife Vex has just made her stab herself with):
You know, I think you're the first person I'm gonna enjoy killing!

Bo:
You cut out Siegfried's heart, and you made a woman drown her own children!

Vex:
Well, I never said I was perfect, did I?

Bo:
Right now what I really need is a vacation.

Kenzi:
Fae-cation!

Bo:
Seems like a hell of a party.

Trick:
No, it's not a party. It's La Shoshain.

Bo, Kenzi:
La what now?

Trick:
La Shoshain. It's the most sacred day of the year for Fae. I thought you should see it.

Kenzi:
Seems like a party.

Trick:
Well, it is that one time of the year where light and dark Fae can get up close and personal with each other, and some of them use it as an excuse to drink and- How can I put this delicately? Uh... fornicate across party lines.

Kenzi:
So it is a party. I am really likin' this Fae Day.

Trick:
It's not "Fae Day." It's-

Trick, Bo, Kenzi:
La Shoshain.

Trick:
Good. It's spiritual.

Kenzi:
Sure thing, T-man. You got any Fae Day signature cocktails? 'Cause we're gonna take two.

Siobhan:
This sucks! All I wanted was to play the gig, get paid, get wasted - get laid -!

Shawn:
I can't believe I'm doing this!

Kenzi:
You like the car?

Shawn:
Very much, but it's breaking the law!

Kenzi:
What are they gonna do, execute you?!

Bo:
This is really cool: "During the First World War, French and German Fae soldiers put down their weapons and secretly celebrated La Shoshain together."

Dyson:
Heartwarming, isn't it?

Bo:
Gimme the 6-inch.

Kenzi:
Honey, if I could give you the 6-inch, all our problems would be solved.

Kenzi:
Hit me with some hooch, T-Bag. T-Dawg? [cockney accent] Please, sir, may I have some beverage?

Trick:
[take out a shot glass and bottle] Here. Help yourself. I'm busy.

Kenzi:
[in a high-pitched voice] Oh, my God. It's like Christmas!

Kenzi:
[undercover speed-dating] Oh, my favorite literary quote about regret. Wow [chuckles] Fun. Um, well, I think it was the great poet, uh, Ludacris who said, "Regret is for suckaz, for suckaz, for suckaz, regret is for suckaz...bitch."

Kenzi:
So what now?

Bo:
All we have to do is find a girl dressed in black in the middle of a goth club.

Kenzi:
Oh. Rapid calculation... that is about everybody, including me, in a "pigeonhole me and die" sort of way.

Trick:
Sorry, bar's closed right now.

The Morrigan:
Think of me as a VIP. I do.

Kenzi:
[about Bo and Dyson] I can never tell with those two if they're on or off.

Hale:
I put money on them fighting again in two weeks and back to square one. [they look at each other can take out their cells]

Kenzi:
I pick the 14th for them hittin' the skids. Closest one to the date wins 20 bucks.

Hale:
In the event of a tie... we go down to the hour and the minute. [they shake]

Kenzi:
Off till my late shift. Oh, God. Public transit sucks tail.

Dyson:
[in an accent] Senorita... the servants' entrance is in the rear.

Kenzi:
Yeah, bite my rear, dog breath, okay? [Dyson chuckles] I just had to stand on the subway for 45 minutes while a woman clipped her nails in my face and a guy was poking what I can only hope to be a baguette into my back, okay?

Dyson:
I don't want to share you, Bo.

Bo:
What?

Dyson:
I don't want anyone else's hands on your body. I don't want anyone's mouth on yours. And I know this is the last thing you want to hear right now.

Bo:
Why wouldn't I want to hear that?

Dyson:
Because you're a succubus, Bo. It's not in your nature to be monogamous.

Bo:
I am fighting my nature for you, and I am more than just my species, and I don't see you out there running around howling at the moon and chasing rabbit all day.

Dyson:
That's a good point.

Bo:
I know.

Dyson:
Look, I've been through more relationships than you, and I know that lying about who you are and trying to change the person that you care about never ends well. I can be intense, I can be territorial, and God knows I can be muleheaded. But I'm also yours... if you'll have me.

Bo:
Dyson, you are an idiot. You've been mine for a very long time.

Dyson:
Well, you better be careful, 'cause wolves mate for life.

Dyson:
God...the last thing I remember is -

Bo:
Saskia riding you like a theme park attraction while draining your chi to death?

Dyson:
Bo isn't returning my calls.

Kenzi:
Oh, gee. Wonder why, genius.

Dyson:
You have to make her listen to me!

Kenzi:
You know what, man? I don't even want to listen to you, okay? Liar, liar, wolf-pants on fire. Damn it, man, we trusted you! I trusted you.

Dyson:
And you weren't wrong to.

Kenzi:
Bull and shit, buddy. You've been spying on her this whole time.

Dyson:
Kenzi, you know I only want what's best for her.

Kenzi:
Well, not anymore I don't, okay? Why would the- Why the hell would I ever trust you around Bo again, huh?

Dyson:
Because I love her.

Kenzi:
Whoa, man. Where are you going? What's with the body armor?

Hale:
All hell is breaking loose. I gotta lead this evac, get these important people underground.

Kenzi:
Well, you are reasonably important yourself, so don't get too heroic on me, okay?

Hale:
Nah. I'll play it just like you, all right? General cowardice with moments of crazy bravery.

Kenzi (finding the Koushang):
Ooh, jack and pot, bitches. Hey, this Koushang thingamaFae looks a lot like this, right?

Bo:
That's it.

Kenzi:
How do we know it works?

Bo:
Up for a test run? Lock lips and see if I can drain your chi?

Kenzi:
Dude, seriously? Did you make this whole thing up just to make out with me?!

Bo (laughing):
Yeah, you caught me. Now hold still, lovah...(as they kiss, there's a metallic clinking sound. Bo tries and fails to draw Kenzi's chi and backs away, coughing)

Kenzi:
Ooh, you just got succu-busted! Not so tough now, little succubus, huh?

Bo (taking the Koushang):
Kenzi, I love you...(at this point Kenzi discovers she's now handcuffed to the display rack)...which is why I can't let you risk yourself for me.

Bo:
I came to officially ask you to stop your attacks. If you come with me, I will plead with the Light Fae to go easy on you.

Aife (snorting and bursting into laughter):
Oh, you're adorable! (Bo, finally seeing Aife's beyond reason, draws her machete) Ooh, and armed! That's my girl!

Bo:
Aw, hang on one second, you've been so busy at work that we've barely seen each other, and now you're gonna spend the weekend alone in the woods? We could go away together. (She realises what she sounds like) Oh my God, is that too relationshippy?

Dyson (amused):
Just enough.

Bo:
So what do I call you, anyway, huh? Saskia? (pointedly) Aife?

Aife:
"Mom" has a nice ring to it.

Bo:
I have a mom. Her name is Mary. She knits wicked afghans, helped me with all of my homework, and never once abandoned me to figure out my true nature all by myself.

Aife:
I could knit, you don't know!