Lost Girl, Season 2

Hale:
Didn't we tell you to stay in the car?

Kenzi:
Cars are the basements of horror movie cliches.

Bo:
What are you drinking?

Kenzi:
Um- I don't know. Maybe something sweet. Like an apology from Dyson for being la merde-face since he got back.

Bo:
Thank you! He's being a total ass, right? Guy disappears for three weeks and leave you hanging, usually, the girl gets to be the pissy one, yes?

Kenzi:
That is how I have come to understand things from my education in romantic comedies, yes. Also- Girls with glasses are way smart, and being clutzy is adorable.

Kenzi:
Dude, what's been up with you lately? That time of the wolf-month?

Dyson:
Missed you, too, Kenzi. [Kenzi leaves]

Hale:
She's got a point. You seem a little off your game since you came back. Something I should know?

Dyson:
Not really.

Hale:
Come on man it's lame you leaving me out like this!

Dyson:
Okay- You know the old story of King Leopold? The tribute he made as a sacrifice to the Norns?

Hale:
Yeah.

Dyson:
Well, I asked a Norn for help when Bo went to face her mother.

Hale:
So? [Dyson gives him a look] Aw... man... Alright, bold move. But, you just run off after? What's up with that?

Dyson:
I was in shock, okay? Denial- Whatever you want. Wolves like to heal in private.

Bo:
Before you left I asked you not to interfere in my fight with Aife. But that night, I swear I could feel you with me. And it made all the difference. Thank you.

Dyson:
I asked a Norn to give you my strength against your mother. But, you should know: It came with a price.

Bo:
Well, tell me. Whatever it is- We can handle it.

Dyson:
Norns take in payment what you value most. I didn't know what it was at the time. I offered her my wolf-

Bo:
Dyson!

Dyson:
That's not what she took.

Bo:
Well- What did she take?

Dyson:
Us.

Bo:
You're not even making any sense. How can someone take "us"?

Dyson:
By making it impossible for me to feel anything for you. Ever.

Bo:
Well, that's ridiculous. And- Anyway, at the rave, tonight, that kiss, it was-

Dyson:
Our last! I'm sorry, Bo. That's not how I wanted it, but I had to know. Now I do. I'm sorry.

Bo:
Speaking of not home: would you give me some space on Saturday night? Dyson agreed to come over and talk.

Kenzi:
Ahh. Gotcha. Operation "Woo" begins. And what is your plan of attack?

Bo:
Cleavage. That's about as far as I've gotten.

Kenzi:
Honey, that's farther than some of us ever get.

Girl at gala:
Wearing the blue-- Baronet William Haley Francois Santiago: Clan Zamora.

Bo:
Haley?

Hale:
One more word, just one more, and I'll sing you to sleep and leave you in a corner.

Bo:
[hearing Kenzi scream] Are you okay? What's wrong?

Kenzi:
[throwing the broom] Cruddy broom totally bit me!

Bo:
Really? The big talker who survived basilisk poisoning gets TKO'd by a broom?

Kenzi:
Oh, like you've never been suckered by a big shaft of wood.

Bo:
Hey!

Kenzi:
I'm sorry, okay, but you're freaking me out! We should be out there dusting bad guys, not actually dusting!

Bo:
I'm just trying to scrub away- The wolf who shall not be named.

Kenzi:
Look- Bo deserves una casa that has that fresh from the dentist feeling. But I am not genetically programmed for housework. And she doesn't earn enough moolah to get me the squadron of maids I deserve!

Trick:
Well, if you want some spending money, I'll hire you on for some shifts.

Kenzi:
Work for a living? Do I look like a chump?

Trick:
Do I?

Kenzi:
If I say yes, do I still get that beer?

Mumphert:
I'm Mumphert.

Kenzi:
I got a shot for that in kindergarten. Keep walkin', pal.

Mumphert:
I'm a Brownie. I clean houses.

Kenzi:
Before you... devour the inhabitants?

Mumphert:
I try to stay out of the way. Mostly I work at night. So quiet. You won't even know I'm there. And I do it for free.

Kenzi:
[quietly] Mumphey! Have a seat! [walks over to Trick and whispers] Brownies: perfectly harmless or lock-up-your-honeys?

Trick:
They eat honey, not honeys. In fact, they like it in their porridge.

Kenzi:
What else do they like in their porridge, huh? Nuggets of girl-brain?

Trick:
No.

Kenzi:
A drizzle of virgin blood?

Trick:
No.

Kenzi:
Eyeball dumplings?

Trick:
All they eat is cereal and honey.

Kenzi:
Okay, so what you're saying is, he is Trick-certified safe to take home?

Trick:
Absolutely.

Kenzi:
[Mumphert gives Bo hot-chocolate] Guess what I brought home!

Bo:
Um, confusion and chocolate-dispensing terror?

Kenzi:
Flaming tequila, crumbly old book? Not a good combo, drunky.

Bo:
[chuckles] I am not drunk, I'm coping. And Trick is gonna kill you for swiping that.

Kenzi:
Oh no, what is he gonna do? Revoke my Fae library privileges?

Kenzi:
[looking through Trick's book] Here's one: the Festering Hex. We cast this on Dyson we can make it fall off.

Bo:
[raises her shot glass] To his wang! May it rest in peace.

Kenzi:
Yeah, we hit him with the old Bob Barker special then hit his waitress with- A bad case of "Toadstool-itis."

Bo:
[laughs] That can't be a real thing.

Kenzi:
It is, and it might be tricky. How much Eye of Newt would you say we're packing?

Bo:
No! Besides, it's not the waitress' fault! I mean, Hale is right. Dyson can be mighty convincing.

Kenzi:
Yeah, but with the right spell, he can be completely neutered.

Bo:
Yeah! [they clink shot glasses] Right there!

Kenzi:
Know what we should do?

Bo:
What?

Kenzi:
We should invoke Baba Yaga.

Bo:
Baba-what-now?

Kenzi:
[whispers] Baba Yaga. Every young Russian devotchka is taught to fear the old witch who lives deep in the lost woods, in a cottage made of bones.

Bo:
Sounds kind of drafty.

Kenzi:
The bones of young girls who don't do what they're told.

Bo:
Oh my- You are scared of this Baba Gaga.

Kenzi:
Baba YAGA, and yeah, she's horrible! Horrible- But, you know, occasionally she'll help chicks get revenge on a dude who's wronged them! [points at herself and Bo] Uhh?

Bo:
Okay, I'm listening-

Kenzi:
Okay, you get a mirror, you say her name three times, you tell her the name of the dude you want cursed-

Bo:
Bye bye wolf junk?

Kenzi:
Perhaps we're concentrating too much on Dyson's genital region.

Bo:
No, no- We can't curse Dyson! I mean, he sacrificed his love for me to save my life. i mean, deep down, we know he's all noble.

Kenzi:
When I found out about the Fae I knew that had to mean that Sasquatch and the Lochness Monster and Little Miss Piggy all existed but Baba Yaga can't, okay? She can't!

Dyson:
You know, I understand you hate me right now, but you put a curse on me?! What are you?! Fourteen?!

Bo:
Again, it wasn't me! It was Baba Yaga via Kenzi!

Dyson:
Who does whatever she thinks you want her to do!

Kenzi and Hale:
Hey! Not fair, man!

Bo:
Dyson, this THING took Kenzi! Stupid, stubborn, HUMAN Kenzi! And if you don't help me get her back, I'm gonna make this curse look like a teddy bear's picnic!

Dyson:
Of course I'm gonna help. I'm still me.

Bo:
Yeah? Sometimes I wonder.

Dyson:
[Bo and Kenzi walk behind him] What?!

Kenzi:
Goosebump alert! How did you know we were gonna ask you something?

Bo:
Yeah, we didn't say a word.

Dyson:
Yeah, you two never shut up. So either you're scheming or it's my lucky day. Thing is, I'm not that lucky.

Dyson:
What am I? A German Shepherd?

Kenzi:
Oh my God-Guys, this just in! You're a policeman who's also his own police dog! [Bo laughs] How did I not see this before?!

Kenzi:
It is a riddle cloaked in a mystery wrapped in layers of hot, hot manliness.

Kenzi:
Wait, there's a Fae black market? Somebody had GOT to get me a Cherry Coke! [Cayden looks at her] What? They're like really hard to find.

Hale:
[watching Kenzi pour syrup on her pancakes] You want some pancakes with your syrup?

Kenzi:
One more word. One more word and I'm having Siren with my syrup.

Hale:
You're getting nasty in your old age.

Bo:
She fell into the bottom of two bottles of wine last night.

Hale:
Here- Check this out. [takes Kenzi's hands and whistles]

Kenzi:
Oh... my- [takes off her sunglasses] Oh my God, my headache is gone. How did you do that?

Hale:
I got skills.

Kenzi:
Will you marry me?

Hale:
Nah, you drink too much.

Kenzi:
Why do I have to touch it!?!Eww,Eww,Eww[opens up shirt and stares in aww cuz he is amazingly hot/gorgeous]

Hale:
WHAT?

Kenzi:
Huh?OH,ummm.Nothing.I'm just,uhh,sizing you up to see if I have anything that would fit you.

Hale:
uh,huh.

Kenzi:
[Tori lying on the floor] I killed the Glaive's daughter- I KILLED- the Glaive's daughter!

Hale:
Dyson trusted me, he depended on me- This poor girl-

Kenzi:
Who doesn't drink coffee? I mean, it's just- It's just coffee! You have it with breakfast, or when you're sitting in a cafe pretending to write a novel- it's not a drink! It's a hug!

Hale:
She was in my care-

Kenzi:
I'm gonna be Fae food- Oh my God, they're gonna lock me up with a crazy beast and watch as he eats me for breakfast! Maybe with a coffee! [slaps Hale]

Hale:
What'd you hit me for?!

Kenzi:
Why didn't you tell me she couldn't drink coffee?!

Woods:
So, you're friends?

Kenzi:
Yeah-

Hale:
Kind of-

Kenzi:
Kind of?

Hale:
Mmm, it's complicated. I'm an all-powerful siren, you're a lightweight.

Kenzi:
I'm wicked, you're a wang.

Hale:
I'm playing it cool. I don't want the bounty hunter to know about us.

Kenzi:
About us what?

Hale:
About us anything. [later] Fine! Fine, we're friends! Ok? Friends, BFF's! Pinky swears, borrow each other's bras--[Despretly]Can we go now?

Kenzi [in Dyson's body]:
[pours a shot of vodka] Come to mama! [takes the shot] Whoo- Five shots and I am feeling fine! Woo! Lordy, lordy, this body can drink! [Dyson in her body walks by] Hi, me!

Kenzi [in Dyson's body]:
[seeing Dyson leave] Oh, whoa, whoa- Dude! Booby trap!

Dyson [in Kenzi's body]:
It won't leave a scratch. Promise.

Kenzi [in Dyson's body]:
[grabs her jacket] It's chilly out there. [gives it to Dyson] I'm allergic to peanuts. And my hair does this crazy thing when I get out in the rain-

Dyson [in Kenzi's body]:
Kenzi, I'll take care of your body. [walks away] Every powerless human inch of you.

Dyson:
You are weak, pathetic and you need glasses.

Kenzi:
[laughs] Oh, wow. That's kinda mean.

Dyson:
It's a miracle you survived this long, Kenz. You just might be the strongest person I have ever met. [they hug]

Kenzi:
You know, I learned a few things about you, too. Being inside you felt very empty. [puts her hand on his chest] You're missing something huge in here, aren't you? [Dyson puts his finger to her mouth]

Hale:
The parties are insane, ladies. One word: hot-tubs.

Kenzi:
That's two words, dinkus.

Hale:
Okay, okay, okay- Hot tubs filled with Cristal.

Bo:
Ooh, those are five really good words.

Dyson:
You said you were taking my love of Bo. You overreached, you took my love of Ciara as well.

Norn:
I took exactly what I said, no more, no less.

Dyson:
Speak plainly, crone.

Norn:
You know well that when a wolf mates, he mates for life. When you gave your love to this woman, this Bo, you gave her all of it. Which you then sacrificed to me. You have no love left to give.

Dyson:
I learned today that there's something broken inside of me. Something that can't be fixed.

Ciara:
What happened?

Dyson:
I went to see a Norn.

Ciara:
I know about the Norn. I heard the rumors and I don't blame you for Stephan's death. I'm glad you didn't deal with the Norn, no one ever should-

Dyson:
I did deal with her! Just not then. It was recently. To save Bo's life.

Ciara:
What did she take?

Dyson:
I offered her my wolf. But she took my love instead.

Ciara:
No… No-

Dyson:
I did what I had to do, I'm sorry.

Ryan:
Have you ever been with one of us? Am I your first?

Bo:
First what?

Ryan:
You don't know, do you?

Bo:
What?

Ryan:
I'm Dark Fae.

Bo:
What?!

Ryan:
I'm Dark Fae.

Bo:
No! No, no- I mean, I assumed because you were working with the Ash that-

Ryan:
I work with a lot of people that I shouldn't. That;s why we're good together. I'm like you. There are no rules.

Bo:
Perfect, just perfect.

Ryan:
I thought you were unaligned.

Kenzi:
Can I just say, your boyfriend is awesome! I'm like one jewelry case snap away from giggling like Julia Roberts.

Bo:
Whatever you need me to do.

Dyson:
Go undercover? In high school.

Bo:
Oh, no, except that. Oh, no, no, see I didn't do great with sixteen year old girls when I was sixteen.

Dyson:
You think I'm gonna do any better?

Bo:
Oh! Sad wolfy eyes? Huh? Chris Martin hair?

Dyson:
Other girls could be in trouble.

Bo:
Okay, fine, I'm in.

Dyson:
Good, how are you at English lit?

Bo:
Needs improvement.

Dyson:
Well, that's what you're going to be teaching.

Bo:
No, I cannot do Jane Austin again.

Dyson:
That's what I said when I left England.

Bo:
[both going undercover in high school] Okay, Kenzi, you sure you know what to do?

Kenzi:
Unleash all this coolio onto the student population? [looks around] Oh, honey. They're gonna be printing my face onto t-shirts by lunch.

Mean girl:
Is that ensemble trying to share some childhood trauma with the world? [she and her friends laugh]

Kenzi:
Excuse me?

Mean girl:
You heard me, bitch.

Kenzi:
Oh, wow. We're already at bitch. Uh, well, it's very nice to meet you, Heather, Heather, and Heather.

Mean girl:
What?

Kenzi:
Cult film. Circa 1988.

Bo:
What happened?

Kenzi:
The chic clique didn't appreciate my accessorization skills. Especially when I tried to pierce Heather number one's nose with a pen.

Bo:
You're supposed to be fitting in.

Dyson:
Hey- Did you guys get anything yet?

Bo:
A lecture from the vice principal and twenty seven invitations to the dance. One delivered by soliloquy.

Kenzi:
Oh, nice-

Bo:
You?

Dyson:
A fist bump. Kenz, you?

Kenzi:
Well, I was attacked by rabid muffies, man-handled by coach bitchy butch and I got detention.

Bo:
We are not getting very far, are we.

Kenzi:
Teen angst- Our greatest foe.

Bo:
You said it, sister.

Bo:
[about the Glaive] How do I know she's dangerous enough to neutralize?

Kenzi:
I have been thinking about it and I've come up with a fool-proof plan, ok? I'm gonna do surveillance on the Glaive for a few days, check out her habits, her route to work, and then for a measly hundred bucks, my cousin Dima and his capos are gonna-

Bo:
Dima has capos?

Kenzi:
He believes Don Corleone is his real father.

Bo:
[laughs] He does know that Don Corleone is a fictional character, right?

Kenzi:
I've never had the heart to tell him.

Trick:
Every single snake at the zoo has disappeared.

Bo:
Maybe they're on a plane?

Kenzi:
[to Hale] Dude, I told you, protect the face. It was the only thing you had going for you.

Kenzi:
This place creeps me out!

Bo:
It's not too late to turn back, Kenz.

Kenzi:
Are you kidding me? I've been waiting all day to kill me a Berserker- [there's a loud noise] Ah! Too cute to die! [Ciara and Dyson look at her] What? It's true.

Bo:
Don't you ever do that to me again.

Kenzi:
I actually had to hide under one of the Ash's dead guards. And wait for the creepos to be insane somewhere else. And I have three letter for those guys, D-O-D'RANT!

Bo:
I've really got to do this, don't I? This is on me, isn't it?

Kenzi:
Yes, it is. But we have all got your back, Bo. From a very, very safe distance. [they both smile] Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Bo:
You are not a liability, Kenz. You are just the thing I need.

Norn:
[Kenzi threatens to cut down the sacred tree] You, you wouldn't dare.

Kenzi:
Oh, yes I would. I'm human, remember? We drive SUVs and we dump raw sewage into pretty lakes and we will burn this planet to the ground if it means just one more cheeseburger.

Vex:
Well, what's so important about finding Trick anyway? Yes, he lets you drink for free, but it's hardly worth you putting your lives, and more importantly my life on the line. [drinks from a bottle behind the bar]

Bo:
Trick is the Architect of the Peace.

Vex:
[he spits out the drink and laughs] You're trying to tell me that imp is the Blood King?! [Bo and Dyson look at him and he seriously places the bottle back] I never touched this.

Bo:
The last time we went after the Garuda, he manipulated us into fighting with each other.

Kenzi:
Dude was like a Fae Jerry Springer.

Lauren:
Mmmm...why are carbs so damn tasty? Actually, I know why. It's an interesting fact: they increase the body's insulin, which clears competing amino acids and a path of serotonin to the brain -

Bo (mildly, amused):
Lauren.

Lauren (wryly):
Right. Less geeking, more eating. (Bo smiles fondly)

Bo:
What did we get up to last night?

Kenzi (badly hungover):
This is what happens when you buy 'wine' from the bargain bin.

Cayden:
Me an' the boys made some cash. Spent most of it on booze and women...(wry grin)...the rest we wasted.

Trick (discussing the Nain Rouge):
What did you see?

Bo:
Some damned effective birth control.

Bo:
Come on, give a sister a break.

Guard:
That's what I'm gonna do. (i.e. break Bo's arm!)