Lucifer, Season 3

Marcus Pierce:
You must be Lucifer.

Lucifer:
Morningstar. [offers a hand] Pleasure.

Pierce:
There was an investigation last year. We interviewed, what was it, ninety-two of your sexual partners? I think I'll refrain from physical contact, if you don't mind. [Lucifer chuckles] You don't seem reckless. Narcissistic, hedonistic. That I see.

Lucifer:
Well, thank you very much.

Pierce:
Not a compliment. Your file's as long as my johnson.

Lucifer:
Oh? Quick read, then?

Pierce:
Hardly.

Lucifer:
Well, I, for one, don't need a file to ascertain you haven't even had a snog in ages, have you?

Pierce:
Accurate.

Amenadiel:
So what happened?

Lucifer:
It was terrible, Brother. I was kidnapped.

Amenadiel:
No, Luci. I meant Mom.

Lucifer:
Oh. Well, didn't you get my text?

Amenadiel:
What, you mean the string of nonsensical emojis? Fire, Sword, Doughnut, Spaceman, Clock, Dancing Lady, Flashlight, Thumbs Up. How am I supposed to know what that means?

Lucifer:
[deciphering] "I ignited the Flaming Sword, used it to cut a hole in space and time, Mum's light flooded through it, then it closed up behind her. All good."

Chloe:
Anyhow, it looks like Josh and Steve both come from family money. Basically bought this hotel just to have a place to party.

Lucifer:
[without a trace of irony] Imagine, buying your own establishment just to fund your decadent lifestyle. It's absurd.

Chloe:
[deadpan] Yeah, absurd.

Josh:
[explaining that he thought a friend was pranking him] It's why I thought you weren't real cops. I mean, a guy named Lucifer and the chick from Hot Tub Hotel?

Lucifer:
"High School". Hot Tub High School. She wasn't in the sequel.

Ella:
You a believer? [Amenadiel nods] Well, then whatever it is you're going through, I'm sure it's all part of His plan. I mean, even the most pathetic, sad sack powerless creatures serve a purpose. Like Leo here [a piece of squirrel roadkill]. A van may have cracked his nuts in the middle of the desert, but he's still valuable evidence. That's the thing. You never know when your rock-bottom pain and humiliation can end up helping others. I mean, God works in mysterious ways. So, you just gotta believe that when He crushes your nuts, He does it for a reason.

Amenadiel:
Lucifer, I'm not angry with you that you somehow got your wings back, or even that you cut them off again. As foul as that may be. I'm angry with myself. Because somehow, I made you feel like you couldn't confide in me.

Lucifer:
Well, comparing body parts is never good for the male ego, especially between brothers.

Chloe:
[looking through a victim's notebook] So what are these, jokes?

Lucifer:
A charitable description, Detective. "Avocado, how about avoca-don't?" Would it be rude to throw tomatoes at a corpse?

Lucifer:
It's no fun when they torture themselves.

Pierce:
This is about the Sinnerman.

Lucifer:
Right. I see what's happening here. A mysterious figure handing out favors, probably dashing and handsome. You think I'm the Sinnerman. [laughs] The truth is--

Pierce:
You're not the Sinnerman. He's smart and calculated.

Lucifer:
You don't know me. Maybe I am the Sinnerman. Surprise!

[Linda and Amenadiel quietly watch Lucifer's severed wings burn inside a dumpster.]

Linda:
I thought this would be a little more... reverential, less angel wing dumpster fire.

Sheila:
Jokes don't make a comedian. Everyone has an "itchy butt" joke. It's all about what you do with it.

Lucifer:
What you do with your itchy butt?

Sheila:
With the joke!

Lucifer:
Rest easy. I'm not a thief. Your valuables are untouched. Unless, of course, you consider your wife a "valuable". In that case, I've touched her several times. Twice this morning.

Chloe:
Hey, Lieutenant. You busy?

Pierce:
Depends what you're gonna ask me next.

[Lucifer is high on marijuana and riding around on a horse.]

Chloe:
Lucifer!

Lucifer:
Detective.

Chloe:
What is going on here? And how did you get that horse?

Lucifer:
What horse?

Amenadiel:
So, I've been, um, walking a mile in Lucifer's shoes, to learn more about him. To try to understand him.

Dan:
Bro, what's there to understand? The guy does what he wants, says what he wants, he gets away with it. He parties constantly, he apparently has an endless supply of cash, drives a sick-ass ride (to bartender: "Thanks."), and gets to have sex with a different hot girl every night.

Amenadiel:
.... What a terrible, lonely existence.

Dan:
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sounds awful.

Lucifer:
There was this, uh, soul that I used to torture back in Hell. And like a good masochist, he'd call the shots. "Burn me. Freeze me. Hurt me." So, I did. And this went on for centuries. Until one day, for some reason, he missed his daily punishment. And when I returned, he was crying. "Please, my King," he said. "Don't ever forget me again.... I promise I'll be good." It was then that I realized he was so full of self-loathing, void of any self-respect, that no matter the depth of my cruelty, whatever minuscule attention I paid gave meaning to his... pointless existence.

Chloe:
Pierce called from the hospital 'cause, apparently, he never stops working. But we have a new case.

Lucifer:
What, the case of the missing bedpan? Riveting.

Lucifer:
[objecting to the concept of Trixie's swear jar ] I mean, what a ridiculous idea, Bad words? Determined by an arbitrary set of rules, just like my Father's? [hands Trixie two hundred-dollar bills] Here, child. This should buy you plenty of juicy words, you swear away.

Grace Foley:
[to Chloe, thinking she's a model for the sexy commercial being filmed] What... why are your clothes still on?!

Lucifer:
I ask myself that all the time.

Lucifer:
It's Charlotte time. [boldly enters the interrogation room, sees who's in there] You're not Charlotte.

Larry:
[a middle-aged man, clearly not Charlotte] And yet, people get us confused, like, all the time. [chuckles] Hi. Larry. Charlotte is busy at the moment, so Richards & Wheeler sent me.

Lucifer:
[low whisper, to himself] Mother flunker.

Lucifer:
Charlotte, where are you going?

Charlotte Richards:
To join the Peace Corps, donate my entire savings to an orphanage or build a shelter for blind, one-legged puppies.

Lucifer:
Well, as long as you're not being over-dramatic.

[Trying to be discreet, Ella speaks to Lucifer in pig latin.]

Lucifer:
Sorry, is that German? 'Cause if it is, it's absolutely awful. Trust me, I should know. Hitler was a talker. Well, a screamer, actually.

Lucifer:
Miss Lopez, you are an enigma wrapped in a hoodie under a jaunty ponytail.

[Chloe and Linda are secretly fooling around in Lucifer's penthouse, getting progressively drunk.]

Chloe:
[plays random keys on the piano, mock-imitating Lucifer's accent] "I'm Lucifer Morningstar. I can play the piano and I'm a fancy British man."

Linda:
Let's go take a peek at his sock drawer.

Chloe:
[mock outrage] But, Dr. Martin, you're his therapist. Aren't there rules against that?

Linda:
Trust me. There's nothing I don't know about Lucifer Morningstar.

Chloe:
Except what's in his sock drawer.

Lucifer:
[speaking to who he believes is a sleeping Chloe] I'm not exactly sure what you're all doing here, but I imagine it's something to do with the fact that I wasn't. And the truth is... I went to Las Vegas. And even though it was for a very good reason, I didn't tell you because last time I went on a Vegas jaunt, there were some very unpleasant feelings involved. For both of us. And, well, I didn't want to dredge any of those up again. So, I bluffed. But I've come to realize that perhaps bluffing is the same as lying, and that's, as you know, something I never want to do. [gently caresses Chloe's back] Especially to you.

[Lucifer has given Chloe a pendant made from the bullet she shot into his leg ("Manly Whatnots").]

Lucifer:
Well, I thought since I'd never likely penetrate you, I'd commemorate the one time you penetrated me. [shares a laugh with Chloe] So, Happy Birthday, Detective.

Lucifer:
I have a story for you, Reporter. One I've never told a human soul before. I take no part in who goes to Hell.

Reese:
Then who does?

Lucifer:
You humans. [chuckles] You send yourselves, driven down by your own guilt, forcing yourselves to relive your sins over and over. And the best part? The doors aren't locked. You could leave any time. It says something that no one ever does, doesn't it?

Benji:
You're not paparazzi? Oh, thank God.

Lucifer:
Ugh. Man, the things Dad gets credit for.

[Pierce arrives at Lux to find Lucifer alone at the bar]

Pierce:
Well I'm here. This couldn't have waited until morning?

Lucifer:
Time-sensitive, I'm afraid. In a way, the opposite.

Pierce:
Just tell me what you want.

Lucifer:
Right. Well, we're both familiar with the accomplice theory, that our blind barbarian had someone working for him. ["Yeah."] Well it occurred to me that…what if the Sinnerman was the one working for someone else? What if he was the accomplice? Exhibit A. [he pulls out the photo of the young Sinnerman] Here is Mr. Sinnerman as a child, with a man he seems very close to. Interesting birthmark. It's a very similar shape to your military tattoo, actually, wouldn't you agree? ["So?"] Well, so it stands to reason that this man would be very very old by now. Or, if he isn't, he'd have to be…[laughs] immortal.

Pierce:
[stone-faced] An immortal crime boss. Just like you're the Devil.

Lucifer:
Ha. Yes, I know, it does sound absurd, doesn't it? So, as such, there's really only one way to prove my theory. [reaches over the bar] Where did I—ah, there it is.

[Lucifer grabs a knife from the bar and plunges it into Pierce's chest. The police officer staggers to the floor and sprawls out, dead. Lucifer returns to his seat at the bar, nurses his drink for about a minute…and Pierce revives, grunting and roaring as he pulls at the knife handle]

Lucifer:
I wonder why I didn't figure it out sooner. The world's first murderer. Marked by God and doomed to walk the earth alone for a tortured eternity. It's quite the moniker! Yet, still, nowhere near as ridiculous as "The Sinnerman."

[Pierce stands and pulls the knife out, and Lucifer looks him eye to eye]

Lucifer:
Wouldn't you agree…Cain?

[his secret out, Cain catches his breath and sits at the bar next to Lucifer]

Cain:
You may as well pour me one too.

[Lucifer is walking down a sidewalk in 2011 dressed in John Travolta's iconic white suit from Saturday Night Fever.]

Female jogger:
Nice suit.

Lucifer:
Thank you very much.

Female jogger:
My grandpa had one just like it.

Lucifer:
Grandfather? But.... This was the height of fashion last time I visited.

[Amenadiel has interrupted Lucifer's partying by stopping time.]

Lucifer:
How can someone who can literally control time have such atrocious timing?

Lucifer:
[regarding piano music at an outdoor bar] Oh. Brother, listen to that. Ah. I haven't heard music like that since, well, since the Silver City.

Amenadiel:
What, there's no music in Hell?

Lucifer:
Only for torture and usually out of tune. Lately, we've been playing music by this chap named Bieber. Gosh, you should hear the screams.

Amenadiel:
Thanks for your help. I mean, I will admit that I was a bit skeptical of your plan, but this might actually work.

Lucifer:
Yes, of course it'll work, Brother. That's why you asked me, remember? Someone crafty, smart--

Amenadiel:
And evil. [laughs good-naturedly]

Lucifer:
[a bit stunned] Evil?

Amenadiel:
Well, if you want to find a deplorable criminal, you just ask... Well, you know what I mean, Luci. Come on. You are the Devil, after all.

Charlotte:
[to Pierce about how he takes his coffee] Cream? Sugar? Or do you take it dark and bitter, like your soul?

Pierce:
I have walked this Earth for thousands of years. I have seen everything, I have done everything. I have watched everything I've ever known turn to ashes over and over again.

Lucifer:
Oh, it's almost like you're in--

Pierce:
Hell? Yeah.

[Cain arrives at Lucifer's penthouse, but it appears Lucifer isn't home]

Cain:
Lucifer? Lucifer? Hello, Lucifer?

[Lucifer steps out from the bedroom, welding mask on his face and revving a chainsaw, but stops when he sees Cain's bored look]

Cain:
If it were that easy to kill me, I'd have been dead a long time ago!

[Lucifer puts down the chainsaw and refers to a list.]

Lucifer:
Right, have you tried... grenade down the throat?

Cain:
Yes.

Lucifer:
[crosses it off] Acid bath?

Cain:
Mmm-hmm.

Lucifer:
[crosses it off] Devoured by wolves?

Cain:
Yes.

Lucifer:
[getting exasperated] Dropped into helicopter blades?

Cain:
Mmm-hmm. I've been trying to kill myself since the Bronze Age. I have tried everything. Even jumped into a volcano once.

Lucifer:
What, you survived molten lava?

Cain:
Yeah, it was a rough six months. Whatever I do, I just... regrow.

Lucifer:
Like a blue-eyed, square-jawed tapeworm. So, if I cut you exactly in half, would there be two Pierces?

Cain:
No. Only one side would heal. I call it the master molecule theory—

Lucifer:
Yes, yes, Wolverine rules. I get it.

Cain:
Why are you doing this?

Lucifer:
Well, how am I supposed to solve the mystery of how to kill you if I don't under stand you first? Your strengths, your weaknesses. Because everyone has a kryptonite, Lieutenant.

Chloe:
Pierce! Lieutenant, you're still here. D-does that mean you've decided to stay or...?

Cain:
Yeah, at least for now.

Chloe:
Oh! That's great! That's really, really great.

Cain:
Two "reallys"? Really?

Lucifer:
Ah, the diamond industry. Truly the greatest trick someone other than me played on the world. Thousands of dollars for lumps of old coal. Incredible.

Lucifer:
How do know so much about diamonds?

Chloe:
Well, I've watched enough Real Housewives to fake it with the best of them.

Cain:
By chance, do you have any idea how annoying it is to be an immortal human being?

Amenadiel:
I can't say that I do.

Cain:
Oh, well, let me enlighten you. You see, first you get to watch everyone you love die, over and over. And that sucks. And on top of that, it's boring. I've been everywhere there is to go, I've tried every kind of food. Sex, music... Nothing surprises me anymore,

Amenadiel:
Have you tried Game of Thrones?

[Cain threatens to kill an innocent human if Amenadiel won't remove his mark.]

Amenadiel:
You wouldn't.

Cain:
I killed my own brother. What makes you think I wouldn't kill some random person to finally have peace? Maybe the guy wearing the scarf indoors, no one will miss him.

Lucifer:
Miss Lopez puts a lot of faith in you, and losing that faith would hurt her. And I won't allow that to happen.

Jay Lopez:
[hands over a bag of stolen diamonds] I'll get my act together, I promise.

Lucifer:
No need to promise, Jay Lopez. Because I'll be watching you, and if you ever disappoint her again, [eyes glimmer for a second] I'll come for you.

Lucifer:
Daniel. Your head is mostly empty.

Dan:
[distracted] Huh?

Lucifer:
Exactly, and yet you manage to do this improv thing.

Chloe:
Who's Todd Cornwell?

Ella:
Exacty. Todd Cornwell... Class loner, acne, Coke-bottle glasses, whole bit. Went to college overseas, and when I stalked Kathleen's classmates online, Todd was the only one with zero social media presence.

Chloe:
Lucifer. You could go as Todd.

Dan:
Yeah. No, seriously. Look, he looks just like you.

Lucifer:
Has all that masturbation finally caught up with your eyesight, Daniel? No one would believe that, even if I tell them I've had a face and body transplant.

Lucifer:
You know, a high school reunion is a very popular torture in Hell.

Cain:
Back up. My brother is in Hell?

Lucifer:
Yes, of course. In fact, he's our oldest tenant.

Cain:
I knew it. Do you know how many times I've tried to tell people? Abel is the asshat. No one ever believes me.

Lucifer:
Well, how much do you hate your brother on a scale of one to ten?

Cain:
One thousand, infinity, plus one.

[Lucifer has been stabbed in the shoulder by someone threatening Chloe.]

Chloe:
What were you thinking, tackling somebody with a knife?

Lucifer:
It's not me I was worried about, Detective.

Maze:
I know the only thing that matters to you more than Chloe—you. Easiest way to spin you around is to delve into those daddy issues. "I can't get rid of my wings! Daddy's controlling me! Wah wah wah."

Linda:
The truth is, no one really knows what your Dad's responsible for. We're all just guessing. Even you. But do you know the one thing He can't control? What you do in this moment, right now. So I ask you, the Devil,.... What do you... truly desire?

Lucifer:
.... I want her (Chloe) to choose me.

Linda:
Then tell her.

Package Deliveryman:
[to Lucifer] You Dan Espinoza?

Lucifer:
How dare you?

[Lucifer fights Cain, getting him in a wrist lock and trapping his knife hand]

Lucifer:
I promised you…that I would find a way to kill you. [breaks Cain's wrist, forces his arm back to stab him with his own knife, and knocks him to the floor] I am a devil of my word!

Cain:
[mortally wounded] Is Chloe okay?

Lucifer:
She's fine. No thanks to you.

Cain:
[struggling to breathe and laughing] Now that I'm dying, I don't know what I was so afraid of. I'm going to Heaven.

Lucifer:
You really believe that?

Cain:
I told you, Lucifer, I don't regret anything I've done.

Lucifer:
Yes. But, that was before you killed Charlotte Richards.

Cain:
No. No, that was an accident.

Lucifer:
Oh, you pulled the trigger. You ended her life. You chose to kill her. Deep down, you know you're a monster…and that you belong in Hell, where you will torture yourself with that truth for eternity. 'Cause no matter what you tell yourself…you can't outrun what you've done. [his eyes glow red and the skin on his face crackles with electricity] What you truly are.

Cain:
And neither can you. [he laughs, gasps, and finally expires]

. . .

[Chloe walks in and sees Lucifer crouched by Cain's body]

Chloe:
Lucifer? …Lucifer?

[he rises and she finally sees his devil face for the first time, realizing…]

Chloe:
It's all true.

Lucifer:
[unaware] Detective?

Chloe:
…it's all true.

Narrator/God:
Amazing what changing one tiny detail can do. A butterfly flaps its wings, and good friends are strangers.... People accuse me of being controlling. And yes, I may have put Chloe in Lucifer's path. But what if I didn't? Would they still get together?

Lucifer:
[to Dan] Well, if it isn't Detective Dildo of the L.A.P.D. You still out there leaving crimes unsolved?

John Decker:
I know I've made mistakes, Chlo. Lots of them. But, honey, I've never underestimated you.

Chloe:
Then how come any time I've ever shown any interest in your job, you either change the subject or you push me away?

John Decker:
Because you're way smarter than me. You're more headstrong than your mother. And it scared me. I mean, what if you wanted to become a cop?

Chloe:
What if I did?

John Decker:
Oh, Monkey. I've been shot at, beat up, chased by a naked guy with a harpoon once. And none of those things scare me as much as thinking of you in those situations. It was never about whether you could handle it. It was whether I could. And I'm sorry. But a parent just wants what's best for their child.

Narrator/God:
Choice is a funny thing. Give someone different options, different circumstances, will they themselves end up different? Sure, they might end up with a different job, find inspiration from different people. But will they still be the same person at their core? Some might continue down a darker path, never knowing there was a different way. The potential buried deep down, but still there. Some make immoral choices instead of moral ones. But they will still have the same conscience. The question is, will they ever make the choice to listen to it? And sometimes, it isn't the right moment in someone's life to make a certain choice. And no matter how badly you want to nudge them in the right direction,... you know they need to find it on their own. And some people find love in the strangest of situations, and are, somehow, happier for it.... And some, no matter how you shake things up, end up making the same choices, are drawn to the same people, the same passions. So all seems to have ended well. Does that mean I never should've manipulated things to begin with? I have a better question: Wouldn't you do the same in my shoes? After all, a parent just wants what's best for their child.