Lucifer, Season 5

Ella:
[upset that Lucifer did't say goodbye to her] As far as I'm concerned, Lucifer can, well,... He can go to Hell.

Maze:
Looks like we're gonna need to pay Doug a visit.

Chloe:
A guy like Doug's gonna--

Maze:
Lawyer up?

Chloe:
First sign of police.

Maze:
We need--

Chloe:
Leverage.

Maze:
I know what you're thinking.

Chloe:
Might be the only way.

Maze:
But what about--

Chloe:
It's dangerous.

Maze:
Then what if we--

Chloe:
He'll see it coming.

Maze:
[thinks, then smiles] I have an idea.

Chloe:
.... Absolutely not, Maze. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Maze:
Fine! Fine! We'll do it your way.

Chloe:
Good.

Dan:
Amenadiel, you gotta stop playing vigilante. You can't make citizen's arrests on jaywalkers and littering.

Amenadiel:
There was a sign. It was clearly forbidden.

Dan:
The kid was three years old.

[Gromos, a Hell demon, possesses the corpse of a recently-deceased contract killer in front of Chloe.]

Gromos:
[coughing up blood] Oh, man. I'm so sorry. That's gross. Hey, are you the detective? I'm a demon, and Lord Lucifer sent me to give you a message about the case.

Chloe:
[softly] Lucifer. [to Gromos] How is he?

Gromos:
Uh, he's the King of Hell, so he's great.

Lucifer:
Excuses! They're like arseholes. Everybody's got one, but nobody wants to hear it.

Lucifer:
There must be something you're not telling us.

Sharon Osbourne:
Not to speak ill of the dead, but Judy was a bit of a party pooper. We had about five books the entire time we were in there, and she managed to spoil the endings to all of them.

Chloe:
[imitating Lucifer's normal interrogation style] Yeah? What'd you do, bite the head off a bat? Stab her in her sorry space ass? Huh, Shar-ron?!

Sharon Osbourne:
Actually, that was my husband that bit the head of a bat.

Chloe:
[shouting] Oh, come on! You're lying.

Lucifer:
I apologize for my partner. That was very unprofessional.

Sharon Osbourne:
It's quite all right. By the way, I never managed to thank you for all the things you did for Ozzy. From one Prince of Darkness to another, right? [laughs]

Lucifer:
Yes. Well done.

[Maze attacks the man she believes is Lucifer, choking him with a leg lock.]

Maze:
How could you? After everything we've been through, Lucifer, how could you go home without me?

"Lucifer":
[in an American accent] I'm not Lucifer! I'm not Lucifer! I'm not Lucifer!

[Maze releases him and stands up.]

Maze:
Lucifer told me he had a twin brother.

Michael:
And you are Mazikeen. Nice to meet you. I'm Michael.

[Ella abruptly waking up from a nap in her lab.]

Ella:
Aragorn, that's not your sword. [to Chloe and Michael, embarrassed] I'm.. I'm totally awake. I'm awake.

Chloe:
[after shooting Michael in the thigh] Once, I shot Lucifer to prove he was the Devil, and now I'm shooting you to prove you're not. [Michael raises his hand and reveals he is not wounded.]

[Chloe shoots Michael in the chest, to no effect.]

Michael:
Ow! You know that won't kill me.

[Chloe shoots him again.]

Chloe:
Yeah, but it makes me feel better. [shoots him again]

Lucifer:
My slopey-shouldered brother is pulling a prank hardly worthy of Saved by the Bell in order to humiliate me.

Amenadiel:
This isn't about you, Luci. Michael's threatened Charlie's safety.

Lucifer:
Oh, please. Michael needles peoples fears. It's what he does. But we also know he's all bark and no bite. Don't you remember, growing up? He'd get under your skin with one of his schemes, then you'd give him one of your atomic wedgies, and that'd be that.

Amenadiel:
I don't think a wedgie's gonna do it this time.

Lucifer:
[regarding Michael] Every word that comes out of that admittedly dashing face is a lie.

Chloe:
Oh, well, that's a relief, because he said something so insane, I, well, obviously knew it had to be a lie.

Lucifer:
[groans] Did he claim he's friends with Elvis? 'Cause, for one, the King's still alive and I'm the only one who knows where.

Diablo:
[an actor playing a character 'inspired' by Lucifer] But let me tell you something. I've been doing this job for seven episodes now, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's why people kill.

Lucifer:
Oh?

Diablo:
It's 'cause they yearn for something. You want to find the killer, figure out their yearning.

Lucifer:
Right. Isn't there a better word for that?

Diablo:
No.

[As Lucifer and Chloe are searching a motel room, the lead actors from Lieutenant ¡Diablo! burst in.]

Chloe/Detective Dancer:
[simultaneously] Freeze! L.A.P.D.! Drop the gun!

[a beat]

Chloe:
Wait. I'm a real cop with a real gun. That's a prop. Put it down.

Detective Dancer:
[an actress playing a character loosely based on Chloe] Sorry. Force of habit. [chuckles]

Lucifer:
Well, that little showdown will be fueling my fantasies for the next few millennia.

Lucifer:
All right. I get it, Detective. You're struggling with feeling like you can't cope. Well, welcome to the bloody club!

Chloe:
You have no right to yell at me. Our situations are nothing alike. You are a angel. You deal with celestial craziness all the time. I am just a person, Lucifer. Just a person who was already dealing with the fact that I'm in love with the Devil, and then.... I find out that I was made... to feel that way. [getting emotional] That my life isn't my own, so I am sorry if your brother is a jerk to you sometimes.

Lilith:
Lucifer, that ring is the only thing in the entire Universe that means anything to me. I'm going to get it back. And you are going to help me.

Lucifer:
Uh-huh. And why would I do that?

Lilith:
Because you owe me.

Lucifer:
[realizing] Right. That. The Devil solving crime. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Lucifer:
Sorry. Got lost in a daydream, on account of your problem being so extraordinarily boring.

Lucifer:
[to Willy the Sausage Prince (who resembles Dan in Lucifer's retelling)] Quite a unique fellow, aren't you? There's a word to describe you, but I can't quite put my finger on it. It's like a shower, but French. Oh, I'm sure it'll come to me.

[Lucifer recaps the very complicated chain of events leading up to the various crimes, which only confuses Trixie.]

Trixie:
Huh?

Lucifer:
Forget it, Trix. It's Chinatown.

Trixie:
It's what?

Lucifer:
Never mind. Would you like to hear the rest of the story or not?

Lily Rose (the now-mortal Lilith):
Lucifer told you that I was here, didn't he? You'd think the Devil would be better at keeping his trap shut.

Maze:
No, I found you all on my own. Have you... been here all this time?

Lily:
I gave something a shot. It didn't work out.

[Lily tries to close her door, but Maze blocks it.]

Maze:
That's it? That's all you have to say to me?

Lily:
What do you want from me?

Maze:
I wanted to come and see you.... I wanted to know why you abandoned us. Why you abandoned me.

Lily:
I did it to make you strong, and it worked. Just look at you. I can see you don't need anyone.

Maze:
Yeah.... Look at me. [turns and leaves]

Lucifer:
Let me get this straight. I just spent millennia down there diligently doing everything He asked without complaint, and you have one sleepover in Hell and Dad tells you your watch is over?

Amenadiel:
Well, you know Father works in--

Lucifer:
If you finish that sentence, I will punch you in your "mysterious ways."

[Despite complaining about sloughing through paperwork with Dan, Lucifer discovers a clue in the victim's phone records.]

Dan:
I gotta tell Chloe.

Lucifer:
Well, as long as it speeds things along.

Dan:
It actually might be a new lead. Great work, Lucifer.

Lucifer:
Take that back!

Chloe:
Why would Destiny Page (a pop singer) be calling a nun at a convent that she wants to buy?

Amenadiel:
[mildly enthused] Well, her latest album was a testament to a new-found faith, and the one that she's working on now is supposed to continue in that vein.

[Chloe gives Amenadiel a look.]

Amenadiel:
Please don't tell Lucifer.

Chloe:
Your secret's safe with me.

Amenadiel:
I admire you.

Chloe:
Oh, yeah?

Amenadiel:
Yeah. You hit dead end after dead end, but you still keep on searching. Doesn't deter you. In fact, it only drives you to try harder.

Chloe:
You make me sound like a sadist.[Amenadiel chuckles.]

Amenadiel:
Men, women, they're all drawn to (Lucifer) because he pulls out people's desires. But what if the reason that they're drawn to him is because of that?

Chloe:
So you're saying Lucifer... reflects people's desires back to them.

Amenadiel:
Well, who wouldn't want to be with their greatest desire?

Chloe:
Well, yes, I... I agree, but when I look at him, I-I-I don't see that. Which would mean...

Amenadiel:
That you're the only mortal who sees him... for who he truly is.

Chloe:
[gasps] So... So everything we shared and... Everything I was afraid was a manipulation--

Amenadiel:
Is as real as it gets. You're not 'the gift', Chloe. That is.

Chloe:
Lucifer, if thats true, if you choose to be vunerable around me, then i choose to be vunerable around you. [ they both lean forward and kiss]

Chloe:
[referring to the victim] Okay, Ella, what do we have?

Ella:
BlueBallz.

Lucifer:
You, too?

[Maze walks in on Linda and Amenadiel tending to an incessantly crying Charlie.]

Maze:
[to Linda] You missed our coffee date.

Linda:
Oh, my gosh, Maze. Is it morning? I'm so sorry. We've been up all night. You're welcome to stay, but it's kind of loud.

Maze:
Pain and suffering. [chuckles] Music to my ears.

Dan:
[regarding Chloe's ex-boyfriend] God, I hate that guy. They broke up right before I met Chloe. But I always kind of felt like I was living in his shadow, you know? I don't know if it's the whole 'first love' thing or what. I swear, there's a part of Chloe that will never get over his stupid chiseled face. [off Lucifer's look] Sorry, man.

Lucifer:
There's no need to apologize. The detective had a child with you, and I've never felt the slightest bit threatened. But you're right. He does have a stupid face.

Ella:
Oh, my God, Maze. I know what you're doing, okay? And pretending to be me is stupid. I... I am clearly no role model. I'm just a magnet for losers. [points to the Bad Boy she had been kissing]

Bad Boy:
Bitch [leaves]

Ella:
See?

Maze:
Well, I was just you for two full hours, and being genuinely nice like that... literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But maybe you're right, Ella. If all you think you deserve is some loser like that... maybe I should learn from someone else.

[Maze shrugs and departs, leaving Ella to digest that.]

Chloe:
[talking down a gun-wielding suspect] Listen. You let your friends get into your head. You should have just talked to (your wife). I, I get it. [stammering, emotional] I've been there, but you have to tell her how you feel. That sometimes she drives you crazy, that she can be incredibly challenging... and headstrong and frustrating... but also... incredible. And that, despite everything,... you... you just want to be with him. [sighs] Her! Her.

Lucifer:
Good morning, Detective.

Chloe:
Good morning.

Lucifer:
Are you cold?

Chloe:
Cold? No, why?

Lucifer:
Odd. Given that Hell was supposed to freeze over.

Chloe:
[laughs] Right, 'cause I said that I wouldn't have sex with you until Hell... Yes, yes, you think you're very funny.

Lucifer:
Oh, I know I'm very funny. [kisses her]

Maze:
I had two rocks when I was growing up. One sharp, one not. Take the sharp one and try to stab things. Take the dull one and try to make it sharp.

Amenadiel:
That, um... That explains a lot.

Dan:
[standing in front of Charlotte Richards' grave] I miss you so much. So damn much, Charlotte. You fought so hard to be a better person. And you made me believe I could be better, too. [sighs] And I'm trying. But I always fall short. And now I've seen something. Something that proves just how important it is to get it right. To be good. [softly whimpers] And the good news is I'm--I'm pretty sure this means that you're in Heaven, just like Amenadiel said. But the bad news is I don't think I'm gonna be joining you. [gets down on his knees sobbing] I'm terrified, Charlotte. F-for me, f-f-for Chloe,... for Trixie! [cries] I need help. I just need help. I need guidance. I need... I need a sign', I need something. Help me. Please. Help me.

[Stepping off an elevator with Chloe, Lucifer spies a little boy riding a Big Wheel down a gaudily-decorated corridor.]

Lucifer:
Well, that bodes well.

Chloe:
Because you're vulnerable around me, I sometimes forget how strong you are. How powerful.

Lucifer:
Less and less, as you're well aware.

Chloe:
Feeling human, feeling weak, having to rely on other people, it must be so hard, so scary for you.

Lucifer:
[scoffs] I suppose what I call powerlessness is what everyone else calls a Tuesday.

Chloe:
How'd you find out (about Lucifer's true nature)?

Dan:
[slightly agitated] I saw him that night. With Amenadiel and Charlie. I came back and I saw his... his freaky scary-ass red face!

Lucifer:
Well, I'm not particularly fond of your face either, Daniel, but you don't see me trying to kill you.

Ella:
Time wouldn't change the fact that you are a cold-blooded murderer.

Pete:
Good point, but you gotta admit, we have a lot in common.

Ella:
We're nothing alike.

Pete:
Eh, I wouldn't be so sure. [pauses] There is darkness in you, Ella. I recognized it the very first moment that we met.

Chloe:
You know (Michael) taps into people's fears. And yeah, I... Yes, I guess a part of me is afraid.

Lucifer:
Of what?

Chloe:
Um... Afraid that you don't... feel the same way that I feel about you.

Lucifer:
What?

Chloe:
And... the last thing I want to do is push you into saying something you don't want to, but I know you can't lie. So just tell me, is that... why you haven't said it back?

Lucifer:
Haven't said what back? [slowly realizes] Oh. I... But Detective, I.... It's... it's complicated.

Chloe:
[sniffs] All right.

Lucifer:
No, I-I-I mean,.... Detective, I do, of course I do. It's--

Chloe:
[mildly] Right, right.

Lucifer:
No, Dete-- Chloe. I... [works up the nerve] I lo--

[At that instant, time freezes around Chloe before Lucifer can finish.]

Lucifer:
Why would you ever trust Michael? He's a liar!

{Maze attacks Lucifer, but he evades her.]

Maze:
He's only ever been honest with me. You... You hid my mother from me.

Lucifer:
How did you--?

{Maze again goes on the offensive, but Lucifer parries her assault.]

Lucifer:
I'm sorry, Maze, but I gave Lilith my word.

Maze:
Which is apparently more important to you than I am!

[Lucifer and Amenadiel reach a standstill in their battle with Michael. Suddenly, a booming voice shouts "That's enough!" and a bright glowing light appears.]

Lucifer:
[softly] Dad.

[The glow fades to reveal a man standing on the stairs.]

Dad/God:
Children. You know I hate it when you fight.

[Dad/God has brought together Lucifer, Michael, Linda and Amenadiel for a family dinner]

Michael:
I know what you're trying to do, and I'm not going to let you ruin this, Samael.

Lucifer:
Very well... Mike-ael.

Michael:
It's "Michael".

Lucifer:
Is it? I mean, we're twins after all. Fairly certain Dad wanted them to rhyme. Dad?

Dad/God:
I did like the sound of that. "Samael", "Mike-ael". [chuckles] But you boys had other ideas.

[Lucifer has just called out Dad/God for torturing everybody all in the name of his "mysterious ways"]

Lucifer:
Ooh, for example: Dad! Are you ever going to tell us why Hell suddenly doesn't need a warden any more?

[There is a long pause]

Dad/God:
I have a good reason.

Lucifer:
Oh! It's a good reason! Well, that explains it. As always, super clear, thanks Pops.

Michael:
What are you even complaining about, Lucifer? You got your own kingdom as a reward for bad behavior.

Lucifer:
[bitterly] Is that how you see it? Being forced to torture souls for hundreds of thousands of years was an 'attaboy'? Sure, I was King of Hell, but I was still in Hell. If that's not a poisoned chalice, I don't know what is! [Lucifer gets out of his seat] You have no idea what that was like, how easy you had it!

Michael:
"Easy"? [scoffs] I spent my entire life in the worst kind of Hell there is.

Amenadiel:
Luci, Michael, come on!

Lucifer:
What could possibly be worse?

Michael:
Sharing a face with you! Guess what? When your twin is the Lightbringer, turns out you have no choice but to live in the shadows!

Lucifer:
We were dealt the same hand, the same face, the same bloody shoulders, except you had a chip on yours so big, you managed to self-actualise it! Oh, no, no, no! There's nothing wrong with him, don't be fooled! You have no one to blame but yourself for who you are!

Amenadiel:
Luci!

Michael:
Oh, I blame you plenty!

Amenadiel:
Michael!

Lucifer:
Of course you do, you petty little sh-

[the candles and lights have gone out, thunder and lightning flashes]

Dad/God:
[booming] CHILDREN!

[Lucifer and Michael glare at each other in the dark, the lights come back on and Lucifer returns to his seat]

Lucifer:
And there it is: the Old Testament Wrath. Wasn't sure you still had it in you.

Chloe:
[referring to the victim] Hey, Ella. You wanna catch Lucifer up?

Ella:
Oh. Sure. [dramatically serious] So, it was the fourth quarter. It had just hit the two-minute warning. Cathedral High's down by three. But, they've got possession. Cheerleaders--

Chloe:
Do you wanna [coughs] just skip to the --

Ella:
--flag on the play. Right. Well, poor Steve Rockwell here dropped dead at the fifty-yard line.

Chloe:
Everyone thought he died of a heart attack, but Ella figured out he was murdered.

Ella:
Yeah. Someone [holds up an evidence bag] wet his whistle with poison.

Lucifer:
That blows.

Ella:
[smiles] Nice.

The Colonel:
[referring to Dad] Lucifer, I see where you get your business acumen and your charm.

Lucifer:
Oh, wrong on both counts. He just gave me Hell.

Lucifer:
Countless hours of meticulous planning, dozens of favors called in, so many Easter Eggs from our previous adventures - did you spot them all? [chuckles] Five million, four thousand, one hundred and fifty-seven dollars spent. Totally worth it!

Dan:
This... all of this - the dog, the car wreck... I woke up this morning with no clothes on, next to a dead body.

Lucifer:
[laughs] Daniel Espinosa: naked and afraid. Cheers. [Lucifer and Dan clink glasses and drink]

Dan:
I don't understand how you pulled it off, man. Even you couldn't control everything.

Lucifer:
Well, the hardest part was making sure the Detective wasn't involved. Hence all the illegalities I knew you wouldn't want to share with her. I mean, she would have seen through the charade right away, because she's... well, a Detective.

Dan:
I'm a Detective.

Lucifer:
[scoffs] After that, there was very little to control. I mean, you're very predictable, Daniel.

Dan:
[in disbelief] No. No, no, no, no, no, you had to have known... every single decision I would make. [laughs incredulously] How's that even possible?

Lucifer:
Well, I knew that you would never give up. That every opportunity to quit, I knew that your... oafish optimism would keep you going. I suppose I realise that, whenever you're given a choice, you always... at least try and do the right thing.

Dan:
Thank you, Lucifer. [in realisation] It's crazy, but I think I needed this. I've been in a really weird place for a long time. And I think I'm through it now. I can't explain it. But you really helped me.

Lucifer:
Oh... well, that's not why I did this at all.

Dan:
Well, then, why did you do all this?

Lucifer:
Because you fucking shot me, Daniel!

[Lucifer and Chloe walk into a crime scene embraced side-by-side.]

Ella:
You know what? No. I am not even gonna ask this time. Because you two are "The Couple Who Cried 'Relationship'", and I am not asking.

Linda:
The scary guy.

Lucifer:
Scary guy?

Linda:
He's the reason I thought Adriana was mixed up in something dangerous in the first place. The other day, I saw her arguing with this big, intense... scary guy.

Lucifer:
[to Chloe] Well, there you have it. First name "Scary", last name "Guy". Let's go pick him up, Detective.

Ella:
Well, it looks like [the murder victim] was tied down and forced to drink wine for a couple of hours before he was shot.

Lucifer:
So you're saying he was water-Bordeaux-ed.

Chloe:
Where were you last night at 8:00 p.m.?

Odetta Watson:
Giving a reading... to a programming exec... at Fox.

Lucifer:
Oh, good luck with that.

[For its first three seasons, "Lucifer" was broadcast on the Fox Network.]

[Lucifer has just become the new God, and raises the Flaming Sword as the gathered Angels kneel before him.]

Lucifer:
Oh my Me!