Magnum, P.I., Season 3

Higgins:
[to Magnum] There's some tea on the table, and some scones. You might try the strawberry jam too, it's really quite good. An old comrade from the Burma campaign sent it to me -- Tanky Moran. Got his name when he single-handedly took on a Japanese tank and knocked it out. [pause] Now he's selling jam in Devonshire.

Mac:
Look, why don't we just tell him?

Col. Greene:
He's a civilian, this is a military operation. Besides, I learned a long time ago that if you tell Magnum what's going on, you're liable to end up with egg foo yung on your face ... and you know how I hate Chinese food.

Magnum:
Did T.C. show up?

Higgins:
No. But Rick called. I do wish you'd get an answering service.

Magnum:
I have one.

Higgins:
My point exactly.

Ivan:
I have plane to catch. If you are going to shoot me, do it now.

[Magnum stands emotionally torn]:

Ivan:
[smiling] You won't. You can't. I know you Thomas, I had you for three months at Duc Hua. I know you better than your mother. Your sense of... honor and fair play. Oh, you could shoot me. If I was armed and coming after you. But like this? Thomas... never. Goodbye Thomas. Dasvidanya.

[Ivan walks past an unmoving Magnum]:

Magnum:
Ivan?

Ivan:
[turning back] Yes?

Magnum:
Did you see the sunrise this morning?

Ivan:
Yes, why?

[Magnum calmly turns and shoots him in the head]

Higgins:
Sometimes you amaze me, Magnum, truly. Your intuitive grasp of human nature is so...so...

Magnum:
Perceptive?

Higgins:
Pre-adolescent.

Magnum:
[narrating] Fate has a nasty way of popping up and waving it's long, bony finger under your nose. Sometimes it's a squeaker at 70 miles an hour; Sometimes it's a plane you missed that never makes it back from the Bermuda Triangle; But whatever it is, you always get the message: it's time to stop taking your good luck for granted.

Magnum:
Make me a list of the favors I owe you and I'll take care of them.

Higgins:
I already have a list. What I don't have is a reason to believe you.

Magnum:
[narrating] This morning in paradise was not much better than the one yesterday. In other words - it was perfect. And morning in paradise is the perfect time of day. A quiet run, then a swim; it's a time you're truly alone; a time when you're allowed to fully appreciate the rhythms of living. Besides, Higgins was going to be gone all day, and that made me appreciate the rhythms of living, even more.

Magnum:
[narrating] Living alone has some terrific advantages, you can eat, sleep, go in and out, and burp whenever you want. It also has one terrific disadvantage - when you lose something, you've got no one to blame but yourself.

Magnum:
I'm a peach of a detective.

T.C.:
[To Rick]I can't believe you bought that. He ain't that good.

Magnum:
[referring to Higgins' school day beanie] Higgins, you wore this?

Higgins:
With pride.

Magnum:
Put it on.

Higgins:
What?

Magnum:
I know your dying to see how it looks.

Higgins:
No.

Magnum:
OK. I need help with my tie.

Higgins:
Magnum, you borrowed my tie?

Magnum:
I thought it went with my outfit.

Higgins:
None of my things go with yours. And for Pete's sake, a grown man who can't tie his own tie?

Magnum:
I want a Double Windsor.

Higgins:
Alright. Go over, and over again, and over again.

Magnum:
[runs out the door] Thanks Higgins.

[Higgins puts on the beanie]

Magnum:
[Sticks head in the doorway and laughs]

Magnum:
[narrating] I remember when I was five years old, I found this little puppy in the street. It had been hit by a car and was in pretty bad shape, so, I brought it home and my dad and I took it to the vet. One hundred twenty bucks. The little puppy grew into a big Saint Bernard; it ate a five hundred dollar couch and my dad's favorite arm-chair. The next day, my dad put it in the back yard, where it dug under the fence and ran away. Ever since then, I've been wary about taking in big, adorable pups, one of life's lessons you just have to keep learning over, and over again.

Magnum:
(Discovering Higgins' old war nickname) Punky?!

Magnum:
[after failing to hit the serve over the net] I'm sorry Rick. I'm a little rusty on the serve. I just gotta get it up a little more, but when I do, it'll be a monster.

T.C.:
Not with that follow through.

Magnum:
What's wrong with it?

T.C.:
You need more extension.

Magnum:
I do?

T.C.:
Mmm-Hmm

Rick:
Try and keep this one on the court will you? We're running out of balls!

Magnum:
OK, this one will be in Rick, I promise. I will be just perfect. [starts his serve]

Higgins:
Magnum! [Magnum sends the ball straight over the fence]

Magnum:
[angry at being paired with Carrie Reardon] I knew it! That's why you paired me with her! To be her babysitter!

Higgins:
Call it what you may, I didn't do it, Mr Masters did. Free Rent. Red Ferrari. [Magnum goes quiet] I thought that'd silence you.

T.C.:
Somewhere, somehow, I'm going to get you for this. Higgie baby, I can't wait until this is over.

Higgins:
T.C., baby, it ain't over until it's over.

Magnum:
You had breakfast?

Bridget:
Are you kidding? I haven't eaten anything decent since Cleveland. Except maybe a moldy bear claw.

Magnum:
I think I can do better than that.

Higgins:
Don't bet on it.

Rick:
[after being dazzled by Bridget's skills with gambling odds] I think I'm in love.

T.C.:
[checks watch] Ten minutes to ten, I wondered how long it'd take you to fall in love today.

Higgins:
Dr. Harmon, any of us who have experienced the horrors of war have them indelibly printed on our minds. But that's the only place they exist. The war is over.

Dr. Harmon:
Maybe it's never over. Maybe we always carry the war around inside of us. Like a time bomb, ticking away, waiting to go off.

[Magnum is "playing" the saxophone]

Higgins:
Magnum....Magnum!.....Magnum!!

Magnum:
Hi, Higgins!

Higgins:
How fiendishly deceptive of you Magnum. I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent. To my great surprise, I see the sounds are emanating from what I thought was a harmless musical instrument.

Magnum:
Cute Higgins, real cute. [Magnum resumes playing saxophone badly]

Higgins:
Why Magnum? Why do this terrible thing?

Magnum:
Higgins, I'll have you know I used to be very good. I was the second best sax player in my High School band.

Higgins:
Well how many sax players were there?!

Magnum:
...Anyway, I just saw this in a pawn shop window and thought I'd like to try and get my chops back.

Higgins:
May I suggest that your "chops" are irretrievable.

Rick:
I saw in this movie once where they bumped off this guy for his money. They took a lawn mower, an electric lawn mower, and threw it right in the bathtub. Bzzzzzzzzzz! It fried him just like that! You better take showers.

Magnum:
Guys!

T.C.:
Come to think of it, you better stay out of the kitchen too, all sorts of things can happen in there - Gas, poisoning, garbage disposals.

Magnum:
Garbage disposals??

Magnum:
[as Higgins draws his sword] You know what they say about Samurai swords - you unsheath them, you gotta draw blood.

Higgins:
I know!

Higgins:
Magnum, you never cease to amaze me. I must know how you arrived at this remarkably astute conclusion with your limited knowledge of art.

Magnum:
Would you believe me if I told you it came to me in a dream?

Higgins:
Yes, because your conscious mind certainly isn't capable of such superior detective work.

Higgins:
I've taken all the verbal insults I intend to from you.

Elizabeth Barrett:
You're right. It's time I got physical.

Magnum:
Wait a minute. Let's not get carried away here.

Elizabeth Barrett:
I won't, but he will.

Higgins:
Why are you here scrambling eggs...

Magnum:
They're not scrambled, they're over easy.

Higgins:
...instead of out looking for Tessa.

Magnum:
I found him.

Higgins:
You found him?

Magnum:
Yes, I found him.

Higgins:
You must take Elizabeth there at once.

Magnum:
Higgins, he threatened to kill me.

Higgins:
To make an omelet, one must crack a few eggs.

Magnum:
[narrates] When I write my book on how to be a world class private investigator, I'm going to include a chapter on listening to your little voice. Everybody has one, and mine was saying to stop Marcus and find out the real story behind his new car. Of course I didn't, which is another chapter, things I should have done, but didn't...

Magnum:
Higgins, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can tell Robin that he doesn't already know - that we havn't laughed about together.

Higgins:
The potato chip heiress from Buffalo who filled the tidal pool with...

Magnum:
A little misunderstanding, Higgins. After it was drained...

Higgins:
And then there is the Romanian mime troop who...

Magnum:
You...You're not going to bring that up. I mean, you were there when the paramedics arrived! You know!

Higgins:
I will take note of the panic in your voice and those guilt-crazed eyes as a scent to my favor, albeit with the slightest reluctance.

Magnum:
Wait a minute! This isn't a favor, this is extortion and blackmail!

Magnum:
Higgins! Higgins! What the hell did you do to my house?!

Higgins:
Magnum, old stick, isn't your attire a trifle bizarre, even for you? Even for breakfast?

Magnum:
[looks at what he is wearing] My underwear! What happened to my underwear?!

Higgins:
Probably another lost and sordid night with a chorus girl from the Kit Kat Club. Please stand down wind, I'm sure you simply reek of cheap rye whiskey!

Magnum:
What is this?! What kind of practical joke are you trying to pull?!

Higgins:
I? I crazed? My dear fellow, it is not I ranting the lawn in my BVDs! Now I suggest a shower and a pot of black coffee.

Magnum:
Okay, Okay! Enough's enough. Oh, I can take a joke. See...I'm smiling, like a good sport.

Higgins:
Magnum, in less than 25 minutes the other members of my croquet club will arrive for practice and brunch. This is our last opportunity for strategy and tactics...

Magnum:
Croquet?!! You short sheet my whole house and you wanna talk about croquet?!!

Higgins:
Well, what with the frightful unemployment with the Depression, despite the commendable efforts of your President Roosevelt...

Magnum:
Oh, sure, Higgins! Good ol' FDR! I'm right with ya!

Higgins:
The chaps decided that Polo was a bit ostentatious, so we've returned to more Proletariat pursuits. Everybody's going to shoulder more...

Magnum:
Enough...Enough!...Enough!!! This is not funny. Okay, okay, you croquet your hearts out, but hear this ultimatum-Immediately! Immediately!! I want my furniture, my phone, and my shorts...!!! ...Back!!!