Married... with Children, Season 8

[Peg misses the $10,000 free throw.]

Al:
Aw, now, Peg. You gave it your best shot.

Peg:
You mean you're not disappointed, Al?

Al:
Disappointed, Peg? It's the only way it could be. I wanted it, I needed it, I deserved it. How else could it have turned out?

Peg:
So it's your fault?

Al:
From the minute I said "I do."

Whisper:
[Al sits int he basement, head in his hands] If you build it he will come. If you want them to build it for you, Press 1.

Al:
See, till now, Peg, I always thought horoscopes were a load of hooey; but now that I hear "good luck's a comin," I realize that they're based on hard scientific data.

Al:
Having only one kid around the house is like having only one noose around your neck.

Marcy:
The last time I saw this many people in a bank, I closed my windows and went to lunch.

Al:
Marcy, why are you here?

Marcy:
I want to talk with Peggy, privately.

Al:
No. Why are you here on Earth?

Al:
It doesn't work any more, Peg.

Peg:
What doesn't work?

Al:
It.

Peg:
How can you tell?

Al:
I've been reading Playboy, Biguns, Littluns, Inbetweenuns - nothing. Then I remembered it hasn't worked since the afternoon I saw Marcy do that horrible thing at the bank meeting. Marcy killed it Peg. You made it sick, but Marcy killed it.

Al:
New cars for everybody! Peg, would you like a BMW?

Peg:
Well, I kinda see myself in a Jaguar.

Al:
Oh, if only we could find one that hungry.

Al:
Let me tell you a little something about sharing: don't do it. It can only come to trouble. Your mother and I shared a bed; nothing good came out of it.

Bud:
Kelly, we can double date. I found a girl who is so easy, she makes you look like a calculus problem.

Peg:
Now Mr. Grover over here, he doesn't believe in Halloween. So I say we ring his doorbell over and over again anyhow.

Bud:
Well, how come?

Peg:
He's a Jehovah's Witness and I just want him to know what it feels like for a change.

Al:
Okay. Well, maybe I have called death once, twice or a hundred times. But it's just something you say but you don't mean - you know, like "How ya doing?" or "I love you."

Al:
Al Bundy, all class, all the time.

Aaron:
Wait a second: Al Bundy, the All-State Al Bundy?

Al:
I was.

Aaron:
I thought you died in Vietnam.

Al:
Well, uh, actually, I, uh, started that rumour. See, truth be told, I died here at home, victim of Agent Red.

Al:
Now listen here, Jerry. Bowling is a man's sport. If God had wanted women to bowl, he'd have put breasts on their backs to give us something to watch till it was our turn.

Al:
It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the fat that makes you look fat!

Marcy:
Al Bundy! Take off your mask...and let the world see your snout!

Marcy:
OK, I admit it. There are times I do need a man in my life. Oh, boys!

[Chicago Police enter and arrest all the men.]

Officer Dan:
Is that Jerry Springer?

Patrolman:
Yes, sir.

Officer Dan:
Tie him back up, I hate that guy!

Announcer:
It's time for Jerry Srpinger, the mas......

[Peg and the kids are watching the screen that says the Masculine Feminist and hears punching. The curtain goes up to see Al and his buddies don black masks and No MA'AM shirts. It also shows Jerry Springer tied up and gagged with a crude ovulates sign with an arrow pointed at him]

Al:
Tonight's brodcast of the Masculine Feminist has been commandeered by the secret society called NO MA'AM. The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood.

[the men cheered]

Al:
I would reveal my true identity, but for political reasons, I can not. But do not take me lightly, I once played football in high school.

Kelly:
That guy played football in high school.

Bud:
That is dad, bonehead.

[points to Jefferson and Bob Rooney on the screen]

Bud:
And that's Mr.D'Arcy and Mr.Bob Rooney.

Peg:
Oh boy. If Marcy finds out about this, she'll be down there in a second. Gee, I wonder if she's watching.

[Peg and the kids hear Marcy starts up her car and drives away]

Peg:
Well I guess so.

Al:
Every day for the past 30 years you high-heeled pitbulls blamed us for everything. From not being able to go to Harvard to not being able to get into strech pants.

[the men agree]

Bob:
We've been called pigs.

Pete:
We've been called scum.

Jefferson:
We've even been called Ply wood bottoms.

[the men look at him wierd]

Jefferson:
Or at least I have.

Al:
But we're sick and tired of it. Now we have a list of demands and if these demands are not met, we're going to take this masculine feminist and we're going to perform television's first sexorcism.

[A tied up Jerry Springer is nervous and tries to back away from Al and the members of No MA'AM. The male audience cheers]

Al:
Tell them what that is Jefferson.

Jefferson:
[removes mask] My name's Hank.

Al:
Right. Sorry Hank

Jefferson:
That's ok Al.

[the men look at him wierd]'

Jefferson:
Anyway if these demands go unheeded, not only we'll Jerry to watch hours of Pro Wrestling. But we'll force him to watch them in these.

[Jim reveals a stinky yellow under shrit and Pete shows a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."]

Jefferson:
A Stinky yellow undershirt and a pair of boxers which reads "It's All Me."

[the men cheered as the No Ma'am members shove the clothes in Jerry's face who tries to resist them]

Al:
Well, if you came with a remote and mute button, I might turn you too every now and then.

(Al and Jefferson have snuck out on their wives at the theatre, leaving a disguised Bud and Kelly in their places)

Kelly:
This is the lowest thing I've ever done. (Bud looks at her skeptically) Okay, the lowest thing I've ever been paid to do. (Bud looks at her even more skeptically) Okay, the lowest thing I've been paid to do that I didn't enjoy.

Doctor:
This was one of those unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions; it said to give him a circular incision.

Peg:
Yeah, so how could you misread that?

Doctor:
We gave him a circumcision.

Marcy:
Hey, Stubby, we heard about what happened, so we got you a card.

Jefferson:
I talked her out of the "Ask me about me circumcision" bumper sticker.

Marcy:
[reading from the card] We heard about your little loss. We know you'll make it through, Because thankfully the part they took Was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like, The good luck is, you see, Another quarter inch would have been A full lobotomy.

Al:
[Al takes off trench coat to reveal a floral print muumuu] What?

Kelly:
How much did they cut off, Daddy?

Peg:
Well Mr. Grumpy's home.

Al:
(in a trench coat) Just one word of warning: Anyone who says what's up, goes down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it and it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.

Peg:
Then again, I've been asking for years.

[Bud appears from the basement.]

Al:
Is that you son?

Bud:
Yeah dad. What's up?

Al:
(decks Bud) Any other questions?

Peg:
Al, guess what I got?

Al:
You got a Christmas present for me?

Peg:
Uh, no, but I could go back out again. Do you got any money?

Al:
Well, I was saving up for a bullet.

Al:
Oh, my God. The power's off, there's no tv. What are we going to do ,Peg?

Peg:
Well, we could cuddle.

Al:
Be serious, Peg.

Kelly:
Bud, Mom and Dad are coming home tommorrow. Is there any way I talk you into taking full balme for this?

Bud:
Sure. You can find me a woman who will not say no.

Kelly:
So there's no way then.

Kelly:
Well this is just as much your fault. If you had of doubted me like you always do this never would have happened.

Bud:
Nice try Pyronymph!

Bud:
I didn't have anything to do with this, I was out with a girl.

Kelly:
And do you really think thier going to believe that?

Bud:
[Bud walks in to find Kelly putting out the fire on the remains of the sofa] Who's going to tell mom about this? Oh wait, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

Bud:
I am sure Mom is having a good time so she will not suspect anything amiss.

Phone rings

Kelly:
Hello?

Cut to Wanker County, Peg is on a payphone

Peg:
Is my couch OK?

Kelly:
Oh, hi Mom.

Peg:
I sense something is wrong.

Kelly:
Well, you know Bud could have broken his arm or I could have been kidnapped.

Peg:
I don't care about that you zagnut! Is my couch OK?

Kelly:
Um, yeah, why do you ask?

Peg:
When my bottom got red hot I knew I had to call home.

[Al is fitting a pair of shoes to a fat woman named Enid.]

Enid:
See, I told you I was a four.

Al:
No ma'am, fore is what you yell when the shoe pops off your foot. Are we finished here?

Enid:
Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.

Al:
I'll tell you what I'll do then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror, I'll begin strangling you. When you reach the shade of blue that is satisfactory to you, you yell "Moo" and I'll stop.

Enid:
That's it, I'm taking my business elsewhere.

Al:
May I suggest Jenny Craig.

[Peg has just given Al a gift of herself in a negligee.]

Peg:
So tell me, Al, what do you really think.

Al:
Well I think you look....

Al's Wife-O-Meter:
I think you look.... A. Old. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers slight head trama. (Buzzer) B. Good After 10 Beers. Consequences: Groin pull, suffers severe head trauma. (Buzzer) C. Beautiful. Consequences: Groin pull after failure to keep a straight face. (Buzzer) D. Nice. Consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues. (Right answer bell)

Al:
Nice.

Penelope:
Does this look like pink to you? I said Pink. Pink, you bonetop!

Al:
A thousand pardons, my little carbuncle.

Penelope:
With this attitude, you're gonna be working here for the rest of your life.

Al:
Well take a gander in the seat next to you if you want to see what your future looks like.

[Penelope looks at her obese mother who is very offended by Al.]

Fat Woman:
Come Penelope, let's go someplace where they treat us with Respect!

Al:
I'd try the Moon, you'll weigh less there.

[A fat woman named Barbara is having shoes put onto her at Gary's and both men are trying to remove it.]

Barbara:
OWW! Your hurting my baby toe!

Dexter:
Ma'am. There ain't a damn thing on your body that's "baby".

Bud:
Where are you going?

Peg:
We're going to the Burned Beyond Recognition concert. We received two free tickets as a consolation prize from the Rick Dees show.

Kelly:
Wait, Daddy's the reason that we don't have those tickets. We should have them.

Al:
Are you kidding me? You don't know what I had to go through to get those tickets. You don't know where I've been. And believe me, it wasn't Tahiti.

Bud:
But Dad, you don't even like B.B.R.

Al:
Well, I don't like S-E-X with M-O-M, but it's my J-O-B.

Al:
Great you get upstairs, I'll take the chicken out.

[Al forcibly escorts Marcy out of the Bundy house.]'

[Al is trying to remove a shoe off a fat woman with Dexter when Peg has called him to sing to her.]

Peg:
Come on, Al, I really wanna hear "Wind Beneath My Wings."

Al:
Then jump off the roof, Peg.

Marcy:
You know, Al. You can skip the long lines on payday, because the hot dog vendor outside always has change for a dollar.

Marcy:
Peggy, guess what happened at work today.

Al:
A hold-up man gave you his mask to wear?

Marcy:
Turn that disgusting thing off [Changes the channel on Al's TV] Here, watch this. Steel Magnolias

Al:
What's Boris Karloff doing in a dress?

Marcy:
That's Shirley MacLaine, you baco-bit.

Al:
Well, I owe Boris an apology.

Marcy:
You owe everything an apology

(Marcy is giving a presentation at the bank and is almost close to climaxing)

Marcy:
OH JEFFERSON! OH STEVE! OH JAMAL!

[Buck watches on as a man in a dinosaur costume comes home. One the head piece is removed, Al's face is revealed.]

Al:
Oh, how I hate Halloween. Ask me how much I hate Halloween. More than that. Oh, how they make us employees wear costumes like some woman is going to say "Gee I wasn't planning to buy any shoes today, but since I seen you in a dinosaur costume, I will." Oh, the ride home from work wouldn't been so bad if the kids actually got gas instead of painting the needle full. Then again, I don't mind pushing the Dodge through gang turf because I'm a mighty stegosaurus. By the way, did I mention how much I hate Halloween?!

Buck:
'(mentally) Go away.

Al:
Of course!

Grim Reaper:
Oh, this? I have the power to appear as anyone. I can be your worst nightmare. I can be your wildest fantasy. I can be my worst nightmare. But, then again, why would I want to go around looking like Sally Struthers?

Marcy:
OK, I admit it. There are times I do need a man in my life. Oh, gentlemen?

[Chicago Police enter and arrest all the men.]

Officer Dan:
You again, Bundy?

Al:
Where were you last week when I got mugged outside of my store?

Officer Dan:
Where were you last week when I got mugged outside of your store?

Officer Dan:
Say... aren't you Jerry Springer, the "Masculine Feminist"?

Jerry Springer:
Yes, I am.

Officer Dan:
Tie him back up! (a patrolman does so) I hate that guy.

Al:
Miss D, you are a working woman. What are your feelings about Roe v. Wade?

Bimbo:
Gosh, I don't know that much about boxing! But I do know my job is to take the winner out to dinner!

Al:
A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today and said, “I need something I'd be comfortable in”. I said, “Try Wyoming”.

Al:
A fat woman sloshed into the shoe store today. Said she was retaining water. I said not to worry about it. The dam of cellulite holding it back should keep us all high and dry for the next few years.

Jefferson:
Relax Al. You are not the only man to go through this. I was circumcised too.

Al:
Really? How did you deal with the pain?

Jefferson:
Hard to remember. I was one day old when they did it to me.

Al needs to avoid erections for thirty days. He is watching TV, channel surfing

Announcer #1:
Coming up next, modeling next year's line of thong bikinis!

Al{talking to himself}:
Oh man! Try something else!

Announcer #2:
We now take you to Cirque de Soleil, known for elaborate stunts, and of course those limber French contortionists in tiny leotards!

Al:
AUGH! Why did they to do that now?! OK, third time should be something dry.

Announcer #3:
National Geographic presents...

Al:
Perfect!

Announcer #3:
...a documentary on Brazil, a country famous for its rain forests, cultural diversity, carnivals, and of course, invented the thong bikini!

Al shuts off TV in disgust

TV Announcer:
For those of you who missed the first 53 airings, NBC is proud to present Cheers, the final episode.

Peg:
What does Cheers have to do with Christmas?

Al:
What does NBC have to do with television?

Peg:
[as Al changes channels on the TV] Now, there you go, you're going too fast. Come on, Al...what was that? What was that? What was that?

Al:
A Bewitched with Dick York, not Dick Sargent as Darrin; a Gilligan where the gorilla came to the island; a Full House family Christmas story where they were snowed in at the airport; and a study of the mating habits of the Amazonian catfish with Philippe, not Jacques, Cousteau.

Peg:
You can see all that, and yet, you can't see the rim around the toilet?

Al:
I see what I wanna see, Peg.

Peg:
I wish they'd hurry up and fix our cable.

Al:
Me too. I hate nature shows. How much longer do we have to watch the mating habits of the sea anemone?

(camera widens out to reveal Bud and Kelly acting out said mating habits by squirming around)

Peg:
Well, at least it's better than watching them act out Martin. I just didn't buy it when Bud kept saying, "I gots ta have it!"

Coleman:
Hi, I'm the building code inspector. Are you the one that called?

Al:
I am. (blinks, then points): Aren't you...

Coleman:
No! Don't even ask. I'm not him. I've never been him. I can't even stand the little creep. (as he walks in the Bundy house): Now, I understand you wanted to report an illegal driveway.

Al:
Yes, I did, Inspector. (points outside): That one right out there. If you look carefully, you can see that it's built nowhere near code. I know, because I built it myself out of ground-up women's shoes. How much is the fine?

Coleman (cheerfully):
Well, since you turned yourself in, I think I'll let it go at $100.

Al:
I see, and what if I said I built it that way just to make you look like an idiot?

Coleman (slightly offended):
Then that would be $1500.

Bud:
And what if we called you a moron to boot?

Coleman (getting madder):
$2000.

Kelly:
Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman from Diff'rnt Strokes?

Coleman:
No, I am not.

Kelly:
Good. I hated that show.

Coleman (angrily):
$5000! (tears off the citation and hands it to Al, who raises his hands)

Al:
Don't give it to me. It's not my driveway. It belongs to those people right next door, but they might not let you in, because the only black person they respect is Ted Danson.

Coleman (glares at Al):
Whatchu talkin' about, Bundy? (realizes he outed himself with his catchphrase): Aw, hell! Now I gotta fine myself!

Al:
[to Alexis] No, do you always go to work wearing curtains and smelling of Mars bars?

Al:
A woman comes in the shoe store today, so huge she's protected by Greenpeace.

Al:
A fat woman Godzillas into the shoe store today, asks for something she could wear to walk in the woods. Jokingly I suggest she wear a sign that says 'Don't shoot from the front I look human'.