Mike Tyson Mysteries, Season 1

Pigeon:
Maybe, before we take on the next mystery, we solve the mystery of figuring how to turn me back into a human being. I mean, I have an actual interest in solving that mystery, unlike, every other one.

Yung:
You deserved to be turned into a pigeon by your wife, because you're disgusting.

Pigeon:
Ex-wife. And you don't know anything about relationships, you little home-schooled weirdo.

[beat]

Yung:
Well, I think the most obvious mystery to solve is who is my mother and why did she leave me on Mike Tyson's doorstep when I was a baby?

Pigeon:
Probably because she didn't want you. There. Mystery solved.

Yung:
You're an asshole.

Pigeon:
I'm... You're an asshole.

Marquess:
She's not an "asshole". And that's not how you talk around a young lady.

Pigeon:
Why are you still here? You got what you wanted. [referring to Mike Tyson] He's no fun, he doesn't party, he doesn't beat up random people. You basically turned him into you, except he's not a closeted homosexual.

Marquess:
You know what? Fuck you!

[beat]

Mike:
That's it, team. Now we're all on the same page!

Mike:
Oh, no. What if I went blind? I can't face life if I'm blind! Oh, yeah! I'll rely on my other senses! I'll rely on my sense of humor! I'll say shit like, "So what if I'm blind? At least I don't have to look at your ugly face!" [laughs]

Mike:
[reading the letter] OOO!

Yung:
What's it say?

Mike:
Just "OOO!" This mystery sounds fun!

Marquees:
[reads the letter] It doesn't say "ooo," those are zeroes. It's an old IBM computer punch card. It's written in binary.

Mike:
Oh, for deaf people.

Marquees:
I think you mean braille, and that's for blind people, not deaf people.

Mike:
So deaf people have no language? Wow. That's pretty sad.

Yung:
No, they speak with their hands.

Mike:
Like monkeys!

Yung:
Sort of.

Mike:
Time-out, time-out. Number one, if you can read computer code, it means you're a robot, and if that's so, you should have come to me and told me that earlier. And number two, who is it that needs our help?

Yung:
That's the mystery. And I'm not a robot. [shows the punch card with the zeroes spelling the words "HELP ME"] It says "HELP ME", see?

Mike:
You do not need to hide who you are, Yang.

Yung:
Yang?

Mike:
I'm proud of you no matter how you choose to live your life. Let your freak flag fly, R2-D2! Beep beep! To the Mystery Mobile!

Yung:
It's Yung.

Mike:
[to Buzz Aldrin on the ground] Wake up.

Pigeon:
[seeing] Well, he can't because he's dead.

Yung:
Oh, my God!

Pigeon:
You know, at least he beat Neil Armstrong to something.

Yung:
Neil Armstrong already died.

Pigeon:
Really? When did that happen?

Yung:
A few years ago.

Pigeon:
Huh. Always a bridesmaid.

Marquess:
Michael, try to calm down. Just breathe, okay? Let's be rational.

Mike:
I've killed 10 astronaut, Marquess. Okay. Think rationally.

Marquess:
Good.

Mike:
Do I have anything against astronauts? No way. Because when I became heavyweight champion of the world, it was my dream that an astronaut might take me to other worlds...

Marquess:
Mm-hmm.

Mike:
...for me to be heavyweight champion of those worlds, too.

Marquess:
Okay.

Mike:
I love astronauts.

Marquess:
Uh, okay.

Mike:
So why am I killing astronauts?

Marquess:
Work through it.

Mike:
Think rationally.

Marquess:
Okay, good.

Mike:
I used to be filled with so much rage, I wanted to kill everyone.

Marquess:
Uh... uh, no.

Mike:
But I replaced that rage with love.

Marquess:
No.

Mike:
[getting mad] But now it's coming back and it's focused on astronauts!

Marquess:
Rage down.

Mike:
I know what's happening. The government has implanted a chip in me.

Marquess:
Nope, the government didn't do that.

Mike:
And that chip is making me kill astronauts!

Marquess:
Nope, I guarantee there's no chip in you.

Mike:
But why? Think rationally, Michael!

Marquess:
Stop saying "rationally", 'cause you don't know what it means.

Mike:
I have been through some real hard times, and to get through them, I believe that there is something out there. Like, um, someone had a plan for me. That my life had a purpose.

Yung:
You mean, like, God?

Mike:
No, not that fairytale stuff, honey. I'm talking about leprechauns.

Marquess:
Oh, my.

Yung:
Well, if [the Old Wizard's] banned from the casino, how can he gamble again?

Pigeon:
I know a game, a little more private.

Marquess:
Okay, if we're gonna keep talking, we should get out of line.

Mike:
The one at the Sahara?

Pigeon:
Oh, no, I'm banned from that one.

Mike:
The one at Imperial?

Marquess:
[referring to Mike not moving] This is just insensitive.

Pigeon:
No. A bunch of guys got stabbed at that one.

Mike:
The one at the Mandalay Bay?

Pigeon:
There isn't one at Mandalay Bay. And... stop guessing! I could have told you where it was 45 minutes ago.

Marquess:
Just pay the ticket and pull out of here, and we can come back and talk to this man.

Mike:
[to Pigeon] The one at Camelot? [the car behind the Mystery Mobile continues to honk] Stop honking! [gets out of the car]

Marquess:
Mike! Mike! Mike!

Yung:
Dad, where are you going?

Marquess:
It's our fault! This is insanity.

Woman:
Get your car out of there! I gotta take [Criss Angel] to the hospital!

Mike:
How was I supposed to know you had to go to the hospital, you idiot?

Woman:
Why the hell does it take you an hour to get out of the parking garage?

Mike:
Cause I was having a conversation with a wizard!

Marquess:
Oh, just get back in the car, Michael. Michael, just get back in the car!

Pigeon:
[about to smoke a joint] What?!

Marquees:
Michael, you can do this.

Mike:
You can't live here anymore.

Pigeon:
[chuckles] What?!

Mike:
You can't live here anymore!

Pigeon:
Is this about the pot? Because it's basically legal now.

Mike:
No, it's not about the pot.

Pigeon:
Is it about the video camera I hooked up in Yung Hee's bathroom?

Yung:
[outraged] What?!

Mike:
No, it's not that.

Pigeon:
Is it because I put a roofie in her soda last night?

Yung:
[even more outraged] What?!

Pigeon:
Calm down, you didn't even drink it. I wasted a perfectly good roofie.

Yung:
[facepalms] Ugh.

Mike:
No.

Pigeon:
Is it because I tried to take all those up-skirt pictures of Yung Hee?

Yung:
When?

Pigeon:
[under Yung Hee, using his phone as a camera] Right now. [takes a picture]

Yung:
I'm not even wearing a skirt, you idiot.

Pigeon:
Well, when you do, I'll be ready.

Mike:
No, it's not that either!

Pigeon:
WELL THEN WHAT IS IT?!

Mike:
It's because...you're a disgusting filthy creature with mites all over you, and they're biting me, and I can't take it anymore!

Pigeon:
Seriously?! You're kicking me out of your house because of your fucking bites?! You were the fucking heavyweight champion of the world, and now you can't stand a little itching?1 You can't put some fucking calamine lotion on there?! Well fuck you. Heh! I'm gonna go find a better place to live without a fucking shitty ghost.

Marquess:
Hey!

Pigeon:
With a fucking hot Asian!

Yung:
Ugh.

Pigeon:
I thought you people were my friends. I hope you all die! [Pigeon walks out of the house]

Marquess:
Okay. Well, that went well.

Pigeon:
[on the Mystery Mobile] P.S. [craps on the windshield of the Mystery Mobile]

Mike:
I guess if there's a silver lining, it's that tomorrow I'm gonna wake up with no bites.

Yung:
And at least I can go to sleep tonight and not have to worry about getting molested.

Marquess:
[chuckles] Well, I'm still here. [laughs as Yung sighs] Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, my goodness, that's such a poor attempt at humor. [Mike and Yung leave the room] Oh, my... See you all in the morning. Hmm. It's probably going to be awkward in the morning because of that joke I just made. [to himself] Why do you try to be funny, hmm? You have diarrhea of the mouth. This is why you don't have any friends. Ugh. I'll be playing that scene over and over all night. I won't be able to get any sleep. I'm gonna wake up looking like hell. Oh, I got to call that dermatologist. "Well, I'm still here." What were you thinking?

Mike:
Maybe no ships will use it, maybe it will destroy the environment and bankrupt the country. And they could take away the expensive cars, and the houses, and the pretty girls, but they can never take away your title.

Marquess:
Well, um, technically, a title can be taken away for a multitude of reasons.

Mike:
Okay, that's true. Good point, Marquess. Point for you. But you get a point taken away for being a dick. So, back to zero.

Mike:
Okay, let's find Wang Jing and help him build the largest canal in the world.

Yung:
Then we need to be in Nicaragua.

Marquess:
Yeah. 'Cause the note was in Chinese, but the canal is in Nicaragua.

[beat]

Mike:
Well, in that case, back to the Mystery Airline. But it won't be Delta, because I used up all my miles on Delta.

Mike:
I bet you guys think I'm gonna talk to you about getting back up after getting knocked down in life. But I'm not. I'm gonna talk to you about hats. Not those square hats like the one you guys are wearing, which, by the way, I can't believe you're all wearing the same hat. That is tripping me out, man. Does everybody here wear the same hat in Miami? It's like a square hat with a string note . I never, ever in my life seen a hat like that. Are you all wearing the same clothes too? Is this some kind of religious school? What the fuck is going on here?

Yung:
Um, who's the woman in my bedroom?

Pigeon:
That's... That's Tingle.

Yung:
Who's Tingle?

Pigeon:
Why she's the newest member of Mike Tyson Mystery Team!

Mike:
I don't know; the price tag, and those stairs, made me very concerned.

Marquees:
We don't have to look at any more houses. This is the one. Mystery solved.

Pigeon:
Well I think Caitlin has pretty good tits.

Pigeon:
Okay, okay. I know what we can do. But you're not gonna like it.

Yung:
What?

Pigeon:
Well, you're gonna have to take off all your clothes. Then, you'll let me take a bunch of pictures of you. Then, we put them on the internet. Put them on, uh, a pay site though, you know? And we really play up the Asian angle.

Marquess:
I'm sorry. How is that an antidote to becoming a werewolf?

Pigeon:
It's not. Come on, it's just to lighten the mood. You guys getting so serious.

Marquess:
Oh, my goodness.

Mike:
Now give me that bullet, Marquess, so I can shoot Yung in the heart.

Yung:
You're all insane! [runs away]

Mike:
That's the werewolf talking. [chases Yung through the house] Hold still, Yee. I'm trying to help you.

Yung:
My name's not Yee!

Mike:
Oh, my God! Are you a lesbian?

Yung:
No, I'm not a lesbian.

Mike:
You're a lesbian and you're afraid to come out to me. [looks at the empty beer cans, cigarette butts, prescription medications and bottles, and a bong around the living room] Is that why you drinkin' and druggin', because you have so much shame?

Yung:
This is all Pigeon's, not me.

Mike:
Yung, I will love you no matter who you choose to lay with.

Marquess:
Mystery Team, guess what I have in my hands?

Pigeon:
Your resignation letter.

Marquess:
No!

Pigeon:
Your suicide note.

Marquess:
Hey, what! What is wrong with you?

Pigeon:
A drawing of your penis to scale.

Marquess:
Oh, oh, okay. Because it's small. Okay, very clever. No! It's a mystery.