My Family, Series 1 (2000)

Nick is chatting online to a girl who, in Janey's opinion, sounds too good to be true

Nick:
She's French, she's called Isabelle, she's a swimwear model, and her father's the chairman of a major electronics business.

Janey:
Does the phrase "pull the other one" mean anything to you?

Nick:
(grins) Ah, you think she's got a sister?

Ben notices a repair in one of Susan's teeth

Ben:
You've been seeing another dentist!

Ben is trying to encourage Michael to stand up to the school bully

Ben:
Come on! Scare me! Try and put me down!

Michael:
You're losing your hair, you're getting turkey neck, and the only reason you're a dentist is you failed to get into medical school!

Susan:
If you had been a more organised person, maybe you could've been a doctor by now!

Ben:
If you'd have been five inches taller, blonde, with long legs, you could've been a doctor's wife by now!

Janey:
Dad, I'm not a vir...er...y naive person!

[first lines]

Janey:
Dad, I'm just curious. Are you planning to forget again this year?

Ben:
Ah. A riddle. I love a riddle. Let's see, the answer is: I don't know what you're talking about so go away.

Janey:
Mum's birthday.

Ben:
Oh my God, not again.

Chloe:
Those old people are swingers.

Susan:
Swingers? As in Glenn Miller, or as in Glenn Miller, his wife and the rest of his band?

The new alarm system is causing too many problems

Susan:
They say it's there for our protection.

Ben:
Protection from what? I've almost broken my bloody neck on the staircase, I've got a son who's deaf, I've got a son in a coma, and a daughter as ugly as sin!

The phone rings in the surgery and Ben answers it. It's Nick, and there are muffled sounds from the other end of the line:

Ben:
Yes, Nick...

There is a short pause for more muffled sounds:

Ben:
Even if I had a thong, I wouldn't let you borrow it... No, your mother hasn't got one either.

In the night, Ben and Susan hear a noise from downstairs and Susan sends him down to inspect:

Ben:
(as he enters the kitchen) Janey? Micheal? Nick?

Dave:
Dave.

Ben:
(spins around) Dave? We haven't got a Dave who are you?

The next morning where everyone except Dave is downstairs:

Ben:
Nick, would you like to tell me what the hell 'Dave' is doing in our house?

Nick:
Oh yeah, Dad. You know how you told me I needed a new job, well guess what! I'm a landlord!

Susan complains about how people are forced to lock up their true emotions

Ben:
Susan, I'm a dentist. I spend all day listening to how people really feel, and it's usually "Ouch!" and after a long day of "Ouch!", I like to come home to a bit of "Aah..."

Ben:
(talking to Michael about death) When I was younger, I thought people died because life was unfair. Then you and your brother and sister were born, and I realised life really was unfair. And expensive.

Ben:
Now, my dad... my dad loved to give advice. And I was going out with this girl and I remember he said... he said, "Ben, no matter how beautiful you think she is and no matter how much you're in love with her or perfect she is - if she eats a dodgy piece of fish, she'll end up chucking her guts up like the rest of us!"

Janey:
I wish I was dead!

Susan:
Janey! How can you say that? "I wish I *were* dead." The subjunctive. Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans, you know.

Susan:
[identifying who has called her, crying] Oh, Doreen. My yoga teacher, poor thing. While she was becoming one with the universe, her husband was becoming one with an accounts manager from Croydon.