NCIS, Season 13

Tony:
[answering his phone] Director.

Leon Vance:
Tell me he's alive.

Tony:
He is, sir, but it's bad. They're working on him now, I'm gonna stay here 'til he's out of surgery.

Leon Vance:
No, you're not. The best thing you can do for Gibbs right now is your job.

Tony:
Director-

Leon Vance:
If The Calling's still operating in Iraq, you need to get back there while the trail is hot.

Tony:
Look sir, no one wants Daniel Budd stopped more than I do-

Leon Vance:
Then we don't stop, DiNozzo. Until The Calling's dismantled and this psychopath is captured or dead. We owe Gibbs that much. Are-we-clear?

Tony:
We're clear.

Dr. Cyril Taft:
[before operating on Gibbs] Time to dance, Agent Gibbs. Mind if I lead?

[after successfully completing Gibbs's surgery, the surgical staff applaud Dr. Taft.]

Dr. Cyril Taft:
Oh no, no, no, no, thank you! Thank you! Now let's close. I'm here all week, tip your waitresses!

Tony:
You're not a Bond villain, Daniel. You're a fraud, and frauds don't get to speechify like Bond villains. They do get to die like them.

Palmer:
(re: Abby) Can you imagine what it would be like to actually be on her bad side?

Gibbs:
No, I would rather not, thank you very much.

Ducky:
Well, I can confirm that the captain did indeed die from a crushed trachea. The killer used what is known in Shaolin kung fu as a "claw grip."

Palmer:
It takes some serious strength for a layman to crush another person's trachea using only three fingers.

Ducky:
So either you're looking for someone extremely strong...

Palmer:
Or someone trained in dragon style! (strikes a one-legged kung fu pose) Waaaaa...! (laughs, then sees Gibbs and Ducky's unamused looks) I won't do that again.

[Tony and Bishop observe McGee and Delilah argue in binary numbers code.]

Tony:
[to Bishop] He can't even argue like a cool Cyborg.

[McGee and Bishop stumble on poison oak]

McGee:
When we're done here, we gotta bag all of our clothes, ok? Everything. There's this stuff called urushiol. It's in the sap, it's spreads by contact.

Bishop:
That what??

McGee:
Uru–– [exasperated] Just trust me, ok?

Bishop:
Bad poison oak experience?

McGee:
Yeah. Two of them. Thanks to Tony. Forget the trifecta. I'll never hear the end of it.

Abby:
Can we just acknowledge the brain power in this room right now? We have a forensic cyber specialist, a cyber terrorist hunter and a cyber spy

Bishop:
For the last time, I wasn't a spy.

Abby:
We're the cyber dream team.

Bishop:
Sounds official. Do we get jerseys?

Delilah:
Oooh! Or secret matching decoder rings!

[Tony is lying on one of Ducky's autopsy tables]

Tony:
So on a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?

Ducky:
Let's just say the scale needs recalibrating. I'm afraid it is Toxicodendron pubescens, otherwise known as Eastern Poison Oak. The symptoms are itching, inflammation, blistering...

Tony:
My skin feels like the surface of ten thousand suns!

Ducky:
Yes, and a propensity for the dramatic.

Tony:
[in interrogation] I can't speak for Tim, but I'm itchy, I'm irritated and I have a gun!

Judith McKnight:
You have a very commanding voice, Agent Gibbs... and big hands.

Bishop:
(sotto) Oh, boy.

Gibbs:
How'd you find my house?

Walter Osorio:
Former detective, remember? I could find a flea on a rat's anus.

Judith McKnight:
[calls] What's in the basement?

Gibbs:
Hey! None of your business, come back here!

Judith McKnight:
Is it your naughty room? Want to know my safe word? "Kielbasa."

Michael Hayes:
(after being released from prison after 16 years) Thank you. Thank you both.

Abby Sciuto:
I'm Abby Sciuto.

Michael Hayes:
I know who you are.

Abby Sciuto:
(fighting tears) I'm the one who put you in here...

Michael Hayes:
No. You're the one who got me out.

[repeated passim]

McGee / Gibbs / Ducky / Abby:
Jeanne Benoit? Really?

Tony:
Hey. You okay?

Jeanne:
After I found out the truth about my father... and about you, all I could do was look for something that made me feel good. And I found that in work, and in David.

Tony:
I know there's nothing I could ever say or do to make you forgive me... I won't rest until we find him. You have my word.

Tony:
We're ready to move on. We just don't know where to move to.

Gibbs:
There's a town called Pehtok about 35 klicks northwest.

Jeanne:
It's barely a town.

Tony:
Are you sure the Shilluk are there?

Gibbs:
I got a feeling. I'll explain later.

Jeanne:
He's got a "feeling"?

Tony:
[whispers] Never doubt the Gibbs gut.

[after rescuing Dr. Woods and Lt. Ryan]

Jeanne:
It's all been such a blur, I haven't had a chance to say thank you.

McGee:
Yes, you have. And you're welcome.

[He gets up and moves to another corner of the plane, leaving Tony and Jeanne alone.]

Jeanne:
Thank you, Tony. I owe you.

Tony:
No, you don't. We're good.

[at a crime scene]

Gibbs:
Where's Ducky?

Palmer:
Uh... that is an interesting question. The answer, uh... what was the question again?

Tony:
You're perfectly aware that Gibbs is capable of eating you, right?

Palmer:
It's a recurring nightmare, yes.

Angus Clarke:
Look, Donny, I'll help you fight this, of course I will, but that's the least of your problems. I like Joseph, but you've always been more of a father to that boy than he ever has. Even if we win this, he'll never be able to raise Nicholas himself.

Donald Mallard:
I know. Which is why I'm gonna do it.

Angus Clarke:
And be a doctor in the Royal Army Medical Corps?

Donald Mallard:
I'm resigning my commission.

Angus Clarke:
Resign? Are you off your trolley? You've wanted this your entire life!

Donald Mallard:
Nicholas is my life. This, quite simply, is not a decision that requires one second of thought.

[searching Luca Sciuto's apartment]

Sonja Percy:
And every photo he ever had taken with his sister... why are they all on Halloween?

Tony DiNozzo:
That's just how she dresses.

Abby:
The call was digitally re-routed, and terminated before I got all the details, but Eva is definitely somewhere on the 700 block of K street.

Tony:
That's a lot of doors to knock on.

Abby:
Yeah, and it's not like one of them's gonna have a sign outside that says "Russian hangout."

Luca:
...Actually, there is. [everyone looks at him] Tusovka. It's a four-star restaurant known for borscht with caviar and sour cream... [Gibbs and Tony are already moving] ...and for refusing service to anyone who doesn't speak Russian. Tusovka is actually Russian for...

Gibbs:
"Hangout."

Luca:
It's probably just a coincidence.

Gibbs:
Or it's a trap.

Luca:
Eva wouldn't do that... but if she's there, be nice! Please!

Tiffany Leonne:
[tracing a miniature dog tracker] Got a match!

Tony DiNozzo:
Oh, good.

Tiffany Leonne:
But I can't tell you who.

Tim McGee:
Why not?

Tiffany Leonne:
Because you don't have a warrant. This is private information. I know the legal system thinks of animals as property, but I don't. Whatever dog this came out of has the same rights as you and me.

Tim McGee:
It didn't come out of a dog, it came out of a person.

Tony DiNozzo:
Your product is being used in human trafficking.

Tiffany Leonne:
Oh, my goodness.

[Bishop, Dinozzo, and McGee are all huddled in sleeping bags in Gibbs's living room; Holiday Inn is playing on his black-and-white television.]

Tony DiNozzo:
This movie's always had pacing problems for me.

Elinor Bishop:
What do you mean? It's a classic!

Tony DiNozzo:
It's not like it made it any warmer.

SecNav Sarah Porter:
Then who do you suggest does make the exchange? They said no cops. Have you looked in the mirror? [to Gibbs] You look like an MP. [to Fornell] You look like a Fed. [to Tony] And you look like Sonny Crockett.

Tony DiNozzo:
Don Johnson or Colin Farrell?

[McGee and Fornell come back from the hospital with bright neon Band-Aids.]

Tim McGee:
I hate hospitals. You can't shake the smell of antiseptic...

Fornell:
Will you stop complaining? You're not the one who had to drop trou in front of Nurse Ratchet. Where's Gibbs?

Tony DiNozzo:
He's, uh... upstairs, MTAC, talking to Vance.

[Fornell notices that both DiNozzo and Bishop are struggling to keep straight faces.]

Fornell:
What?

Tony DiNozzo:
It's just... a nice look, the neon chin strap. You guys stop by a rave on the way back from the hospital?

[Bishop bursts into giggles.]

Tim McGee:
Look, the ER ran out of bandages, all right? They had to borrow from pediatrics.

[Realizing the sniper is waiting for an incoming plane.]

Bishop:
We've got to shut [the airport] down.

Gibbs:
Or not.

Palmer:
(wearing Abby's "thinking cap") If we shut it down, then Cross will know we're on to him. If we leave it open, then we know where he'll be. (stops, surprised at himself)

Gibbs:
What he said.

Palmer:
(to Abby) This thing really works!

Gibbs:
(voice over) This is my rifle. There are many like it. This one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. My rifle without me is useless. Without my rifle I am useless.

DiNozzo invites Ducky, Palmer, and Vance to drive with him to use a gift certificate from a very exclusive Italian restaurant. All are mounted on motorcycles except for Palmer, riding in a sidecar attached to Ducky's.]

Tony DiNozzo:
Ready?

Jimmy Palmer:
I feel so silly. I can't believe I'm the only one without a motorcycle license.

Dr. Donald Mallard:
No matter, Mr. Palmer. Rest assured that by my side, you will be hauling ass.

Leon Vance:
Gentlemen, let's ride!

Dr. Donald Mallard:
Does that famous gut of your have an opinion? Scorned wife or jilted lover?

Leroy Jethro Gibbs:
Ah, it's too early, Duck. My gut's overrated.

[Gibbs leaves.]

Dr. Donald Mallard:
[to the victim's body] Don't you believe that for a moment.

Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.:
Well, I brought Susan to the homeless shelter, like you suggested. If we can find out her last name, maybe we can access her medical records. They took her fingerprints, and I'm hoping that Abby can find a match.

Tony DiNozzo (Jr.):
Dad, that's very commendable, but you can't ask Abby to break agency rules for a personal favor...

[Abby's computer beeps.]

Abby:
We got a hit.

Tony DiNozzo:
You ran the prints.

Abby:
Of course I did, Tony. A poor, homeless woman in need of medical care? That's a no-brainer.

Mossad Director Orli Elbaz:
Every effort is being made to hunt him down, Agent Gibbs, believe me.

Tony:
I'd believe you if you were still back in Israel, searching, instead of standing here telling us how sorry you are.

Orli Elbaz:
Actually, I am here for a much more important reason, something far more personal. [to one of her agents] Bring in Tali.

NCIS Director Leon Vance:
Wasn't that Ziva's sister?

Orli Elbaz:
Her namesake, yes.

Tony:
Whose namesake?

Orli Elbaz:
You may have heard there was one survivor pulled from the farmhouse. Her room was in a corridor not destroyed by the fire.

[A female Mossad agent enters the room, leading a young girl by the hand.]

Orli Elbaz:
Tali is Ziva's daughter... and your daughter, Tony.

Tony:
I still think you could have gotten away with pretend tea, Dad. I don't think she would know the difference.

Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.:
But I would know, Junior. [to Tali] What does Daddy know about making tea, anyway?

Tony:
Please don't... please don't call me that.

Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.:
Why not? Embrace it, son! This kid is a DiNozzo all the way!

[in Tali's bag, Tony finds an old picture of him and Ziva in Paris (in "Jet Lag").

Tali:
[points to Ziva in the picture] Ima.

Tony:
Yeah, that's right, Tali.

Tali:
Ima!

Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.:
What does that mean, "Ima"?

Tony:
It's Hebrew. It means "mother", "mom".

Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.:
Oh.

Tali:
[points to Tony in the picture] Abba.

Tony:
...Tali, what did you say?

Tali:
[pointing] Ima, Abba.

Tony:
Abba?

[Tali nods.]

Anthony DiNozzo, Sr.:
[smiles] "Daddy."

Trent Kort:
[looking around] Old friends and new... But not the one I expected.

Tony:
I'm here.

Trent Kort:
[looks to his right] DiNozzo... I had no idea she'd be in the farmhouse. You know that.

Tony:
Do I?

Trent Kort:
It was nothing personal, strictly business.

McGee:
It is personal. It's Ziva!

[Tense silence.]

Tony:
She was my family.

[Kort goes for the gun in his belt. Tony fires the first shot, and the entire team opens fire, gunning Kort down.]