Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Series 21

Simon:
I don't really think that Girls Aloud are boring. Or The Kooks aren't that good. Or that Westlife are a tired and vile disease who prey on mentally ill Woolworths shoppers, who found it acceptable to cover a Michael Buble song from two years ago, and should be subjected to a marathon punching and gouging session before being stabbed in the legs, burnt alive, and then stuffed and hung in the British Museum under a sign that reads "Dead Old Shit". It's just a fun pop quiz!

Simon:
Are we supposed to like Kate Nash? I haven't done this show for so long, I've forgotten who we're supposed to hate... I like her... is she on Facebook?

Joel:
She must be.

Phill:
Let's poke her and find out.

Bill:
She's on, err, all of those... mybibble and, and bobble and swizzle and bizzle, what they called? She's on one of them.

Phill:
She's been on Bizzle?

Lethal:
Who's that?

Bill:
Are you on Myspace? Are you Myspaced up?

Lethal:
Yeah I'm on Myface.

Bill:
My... Myface?

Lethal:
Myspace

Phill:
Is Kate Nash on your face or not? I need to know?

Bill:
I hate that, people who... like, nick your herbs out of your trolley. You're planning a really nice casserole, you got all the herbs, and somebody nicks the herbs out of your trolley. It's not theft, technically, cause you haven't paid for it.

Phill:
Bill's next song... ooh, took my chives, took my chives, took my chives! Ooh took my chives!

Simon:
Nash said that one of her one hundred and nine thousand friends on Myspace said he wanted to put a bomb up my cunt.

[Laughter]

Simon:
You may laugh, but the metropolitan police had to evacuate the area... and it was six hours before normal service was resumed.

Simon:
Is your marriage in trouble?

Jessica:
Oh, Simon.

Simon:
Is it alright? Is it okay?

Jessica:
Would you be interested if I said it was?

Simon:
Yeah, let's talk about it.

Jessica:
I've got a lot of feelings for you... basically. I kinda wanna wrestle you and kiss you at the same time.

Simon:
We could do that.

Jessica:
Do many people say that to you? I bet they do.

Simon:
There's a nice area in front of the desk...

Jessica:
Do you want to wrestle?

Simon:
Have a bit of a wrestle.

Jessica:
Okay, come on.

[They begin to hesitantly wrestle. Simon grabs Jessica's waist and tries to lift her over his shoulder, Jessica pushes him on the floor and grabs his foot before pinning him down. They return to their seats]

Simon:
What that was good for was like a 'best of' package.

[Jessica guesses an intro correctly]

Simon:
She's so smug isn't she Kimberly? Very smug. What a bitch. What a bitch that Jessica Hynes is... comes here, with her career.

Simon:
George Bush claims that he has 'My Sharona' on his iPod, but mainly to drown out the screams of thousands of dead Iraqi children.

[Simon put up a picture of a field of flowers with kittens as a way of claiming that the show is only a quiz and shouldn't be taken seriously]

Phill:
You're gonna need a bigger kitten.

Simon:
All there silly jokes that we doing about, oh, you should get a job, I mean... why should you have a job! It's ridiculous!

Kimberly:
Oh, stupid me, getting a job!

Simon:
I mean, what do they want you to do?

Kimberly:
I don't know!

Simon:
Achieve something?!? Bastards!

Kimberly:
It's just so stupid!

Simon:
Not everyone can do what you do. You have a, eh, individual talent... when did you first realize that you had what it took to be Rod Stewart's daughter?

[About the line up]

Jessica:
[not taking her eyes off him] Number four... uh, I'm concerned for... because he has a haunted look that... is chilling me to the bone...

Simon:
And after all that... oh, it's a tie, rendering this whole thing completely pointless!

Simon:
By the way, David Cross is a big American star. (to David) We were worried you wouldn't know what the hell anyone is talking about, I've written out some pop facts for you (hands David some cards) just so you can use them and if you need them at any point, then they're there.

David:
Okay... (reading from a card) "Mis-Teeq's Sabrina has the middle name Frederica!" (to the audience) It's true! It's really true!

David:
You know what? This is kind of weird... (reading from a card) "Kavarna thinks that Italy is the most romantic country in the world, and he would love to live there one day!" People are weird.

Simon:
(whispers to David) Kavana.

David:
Kavana is what... (audience laughter and applause) Kavana is what he refers to himself... in public... but those who truly know him, like myself...

(After Noel's team's Intros round, where Ryan has failed to get either Intro correct)

Simon:
Don't worry, Ryan, it's alright. You look a bit upset. Don't worry about it.

David:
Here, read that to yourself. (hands Ryan one of his cards)

Ryan:
(reading from the card) "Sinéad from B*Witched says the most nervewracking thing she's ever done is sit a piano exam."

Simon:
Do you feel better now?

Ryan:
...I do actually.

(During Phill's team's Intros round)

Katy:
I'm just bracing myself.

Phill:
You comfy?

Katy:
Yep.

Phill:
Strap in.

Katy:
I'm strapped in. Take me to musical heaven, Phill Jupitus! (audience laughter) Oh my God, I can't believe I've just said that!

Phill:
Musical heaven I can't do, but I do know a Travelodge on the A127...

Simon:
[sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.

Noel:
She'd crush you like a Twiglet.

Simon:
She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide. [Noel looks shocked while an on-screen disclaimer reads "Simon Amstell is definitely wrong."] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I dont know what I'm saying.

Simon:
The recent Ian Curtis biopic Control was shot in gritty black and white, much like Richard Fleeshman's new video. Only time will tell who the real troubled genius is... (stifled audience laughter. Simon checks his watch.)

Noel:
Honestly, if you diss him (points at Richard) one more time... I'll slash you up.

Kristen:
And I'm gonna watch!

Noel:
I'm gonna give you a Chinese burn and Kristen's gonna pour...

Simon:
Pot Noodle on me?! Yeah, go on!

Noel:
Cream soda this time.

Simon:
And then some dragons are gonna fly in and put bubbles in my head? Is that how it works? You just say funny words and it works, does it? You just throw out weird words, hippopotamus and juggling. Is that what you do? Is that what happens? Anyone can do that! I've got fact based jokes!

Noel:
Don't make me cut the stuffing out of your pillow!

Simon:
With a pair of scissors made of glitter?

Noel:
(matter-of-factly) No, with a motorbike made of jealousy!

Simon:
"I think I'd better leave right now..."

Richard:
"...before I fall any deeper."

Simon:
Correct, Will Young. I prefer the, uh, Fleeshman version.

Richard:
If you must know, I did Evergreen. Do your research! Lamarr would've done it. (audience laughter, applause and cheering. Simon laughs. The time-up sting plays.)

Simon:
Lamarr wouldn't have done any more research than I did!

Simon:
Right! (to Noel's team) You've got sixteen points. (to Phill's team) You've got five points, you need eleven to win.

Phil:
How many cards are there? Count them now.

Simon:
(counts cards) ...nine.

Phil:
Right...

Simon:
Now before we go any further, Mark Ronson, what did you do to Amy Winehouse? I met her before she met you, and all she ever dabbled with was a bit of jazz and boogie-woogie. Now, there's trumpets and drugs all over the place, it stinks of Ronson! That's all I'm saying.

Mark:
I think trumpets and drugs have always gone hand-in-hand, it's nothing to do with me.

Bill:
Drugs and trumpets always go...? Only someone with a big nose would snort cocaine through a trumpet! (under audience laughter and applause) That is a lot of suction!

Simon:
If we can get back to Amy for just a moment, could you tell us if she's okay? Is everything all right?

Mark:
I haven't really... I haven't really spoke to her...

Simon:
Oh, you just leave her in a ditch after you've done with her? Is that what happens?

Mark:
"Here's your album, call me next year." No.

Simon:
I think we all believe she'll be all right. She'll be all right, right? Let's get back to the comedy show!

Phill:
(to camera) Amy, this is your television! We love you!

Bill:
(to camera) Come back to us, Amy!

Phill:
(to camera) Amy! Put it down! Put it down, Amy! (starts gesturing to the camera)

Bill:
(to camera, holding up a mug) Look, tea! Cup of tea! Piece of toast! Don't leave us with Dido!

Bill:
(to Matt) Have you ever made any unreasonable demands?

Matt:
We used to have a massive rider, it was huge, and then we got a bill for it. So yeah, uh, subsequent riders were kinda like... just...

Bill:
Tone it down a bit?

Myleene:
Tap water...

Matt:
Yeah, like non-branded lagers, four only... and, like... fruit...

Bill:
(laughs) "Fruit"? That's not a rider, that's not very rock-and-roll! A rider's supposed to be like, you're supposed to go mental, have a swan carved out of ice, with baked beans on it and a Nissan Micra and a lifetime subscription to the Times Literary Supplement, not fruit!

(following a clip of the "comedy wall" on Hear'Say It's Saturday)

Phill:
I haven't felt this angry about a wall since Berlin!

Bill:
What I love actually, I love this, I found out about The Spice Girls, they offered the fans via their website the chance they would play in any city in the world, and there was a massive internet campaign saying "Baghdad"! And in the end, they went, they just ignored it and went "Oh, you meant Toronto? Yes we'll go there!"

Myleene:
(reading from cue card) I hear that Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine has been linked to Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan.

Simon:
(looking though a window in the style of Hear'Say It's Saturday comedy wall) So's Hepatitis C, but it doesn't go on about it!

(Simon closes the window, only to reopen it)

Simon:
Erm, for legal reasons I should point out that neither Britney nor Lindsay have Hepatitis C.

Simon:
(reading from cue card) He's not sure what he should... he's not what... what is it? He's not sure what he should do...

Matt:
It's English, Simon, just read it!

(In "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?", Bill's team are asked what injured Paul McCartney. A still from Ever Present Past is on the screen behind Simon)

Bill:
A-dee-di-dee-di-dee... That's just, what the hell is he doing? It's like a Variety Club choreographer... What the hell? ...Dohhhhh!

Martin:
Don't you like it?

Bill:
Yeah it's alright. (audience laughter)

Martin:
I don't see the problem. Not only do I think it's the best record he's made, I think it's the best record that's ever been made! You're not gonna get me to knock McCartney, mate!

Bill:
How many records have you heard in your life?

Martin:
Eight! And this is the best of eight.

Simon:
Antony, it is lovely to have you here.

Antony:
Thanks, Si.

Simon:
I'm a big fan of Blue.

Antony:
No, you're not. (audience laughter)

Simon:
I tried my best, I had a good go there!

Antony:
We was scared of you when we was in the band.

Simon:
Really?

Antony:
Yeah, you used to take the mick proper.

Simon:
I didn't try to take the piss out of Blue, you just came on and said very stupid things... (audience laughter) ...I was mainly reacting. You of course, like Paul McCartney, were part of a supergroup... What would you say were the main differences between The Beatles and Blue?

Antony:
They could sing! They were talented, we weren't!

Simon:
Of course, The Beatles played and wrote their own music, but Blue didn't bother with such gimmicks.

Antony:
No, we wrote our own stuff!

Simon:
Go on, which bits did you write?

Antony:
"And". (audience laughter) "The".

Bill:
All the little words.

Antony:
Nah, we wrote our own stuff, if you look at our albums, we did.

Simon:
Yeah, but that's, come on... (audience laughter) Come on.

Matthew:
Simon, this is awful, you're evil!

Simon:
I'm not evil!

Matthew:
This is supposed to be the new positive approach!

Bill:
(to Antony) If you were Sting he wouldn't do that...

Simon:
We couldn't get Sting...

Bill:
That's what I mean!

Simon:
We couldn't even get Lee! (audience laughter) I think tonight it would be good to sort of set the record straight on Antony's part in the band, because it was generally assumed in the past that Lee and Simon were the talents, Duncan was quite good looking, and Antony had a PlayStation... You're my favourite.

Antony:
No I'm not!

Simon:
No, I don't think I liked any of you!

Phill:
Why do they always have to sit on their cars?

Chris:
I just wish there's more of a uh kind of a modest rapper who'd be leaning up against a Smart Car.

Chris:
Have you met my girlfriend?

Simon:
Is she nice?

Chris:
You would remember her.

Simon:
Oh really? Is she quite a looker?

Bill:
She's..18-foot..high..

Chris:
She's got these crazy eyes.

Phill:
9 of 'em.

Chris:
Oh this is the right time to ask.

Bill:
Doesn't he, Billy Bragg, doing some jail charity at the moment or something?

Simon:
Guitars for people in jail.

Bill:
Musical instruments..-

Phill:
Banjos for paedos.

Bill:
Yeah that's it. Bongos for psychos! We do a homeless one as well; AMPS for tramps!

Simon:
Y'know with the environment and everything.. maybe it seems like a waste of paper and people should just use the internet. Seems like the only person who's benefitting out the Yellow Pages is you, James Nesbitt. And possibly Geoff Capes at his dinner parties. [acts as if he's ripping the Yellow Pages]

Simon:
Anyway, we're not just gonna go on about the Yellow Pages. I apologize.

James:
They're still very very good to me.

Simon:
I still use one, I've got one.

James:
You still use the Yellow Pages?

Chris:
Yeah I sit on it 'cos I'm abit short.[pulls out the Yellow Pages] I find it very useful.

Simon:
They had a fight in Glastonbury, what happened?

James:
Well issit they're...um... that they're both renowned...ah...sort of socialistic...ah....they ah...political...um...issit the-..ah...did Billy Bragg....

Simon:
James. I don't mean to be rude..if there's anyway that you could talk abit quicker. I mean it's good in gritty dramas.

James:
Sorry. Well issit that Billy Bragg is well-known..ah....aaah....aah.... [on purpose]

Simon:
[pretends to be on the phone] I...need...a..hairdresser...I've cut..a child's...[looks at James and drops the Yellow Pages] We're not just gonna go on. Sorry, we're not just go on about the Yellow Pages.