Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Series 24

Terry:
Hello, and welcome, to what they call a show. Now, I know you're wondering why I'm here. I could've been on Strictly Come Dancing. I could've been on I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!, but I wanted to put myself through the most debasing and degenerating show of them all. [Laughter.] Let's play Never Mind the Buzzcocks! [Laughter and applause.]

Terry:
In 2008, Snoop's tour bus was raided and police found strippers, marijuana, and booze. Reminds me of the old Radio 2 Roadshow down... (audience laughter) to Cirencester. Let's just say that nobody was in bed before 9 o'clock.

(after Rufus has taken a bunch of time to identify the song "Fools Gold" and the actual music is playing)

Noel:
You got that right, but you can never gig up north again!

(During the Intros round, James had to ride Phill to get Rufus to successfully guess "Baba O'Riley")

Terry:
Well this, this is the only program that combines pop music and the "Horse of the Year" show.

Terry:
Pete Townshend suffers from tinnitus, an annoying montonous buzzing, sounds as if it's coming from the base of your skull. You want to know what that sounds like, tune in to Chris Evans on Radio 2. (wild laughter and applause)

Terry:
Last year, The Stone Roses' Ian Brown was wounded by an on-stage attack. Louis Walsh had told him (as Louis Walsh) "The song choice was all wrong and you just didn't own it!"

...

Noel:
Don't think I'm ever going to get that image of you doing Louis Walsh out of my head.

(Noel and Imelda prepare for their Intros round.)

Noel:
You don't have to ride me like a greyhound, it's fine.

Imelda:
I'll sing your bit, then we stop it. We go (does a few notes)...

Noel:
That's like when you give a really small child a simple task. "You can't cook dinner with me, but if you hold this wooden spoon..." (imitates a child holding it, mouth wide open) "...then we can say we cooked it together." (imitates the child again)

[after Edith has failed to guess the song "Young Turks"

Terry:
Oh, Edith, Edith. Dave Lee Travis would have known the answer.

Edith:
Yes, but he's a hundred and five!

(Noel and Imelda are doing "Ziggy Stardust" in the Intros round.)

Imelda:
Oh, you know this.

Edith:
I know, I know, I know, I know, I just can't say the words!

(Noel and Imelda repeat the intro over and over. By the second time, Phill, James and Rufus have joined in, by the third, Terry joined in, and at the fourth, Rufus leads the audience in.)

Rufus:
I tell you something, Terry, they didn't use to get audience participation when Amstell was the chair. He hated people.

Terry:
After this show, I'm not that keen on them myself.

Terry:
Well, that was David Bowie with Ziggy Stardust. After a difficult interview I came close to slapping David Bowie. I can't tell you exactly what I thought of him but I almost blanked him in the blankety-blank the totally blankety-blanker!

(In Identity Parade, Noel's team have to identify Cheryl Baker of Bucks Fizz. The lineup are all wearing joke glasses with fake noses and moustaches)

Terry:
That was Bucks Fizz with Making Your Mind Up;, so Noel's team, which of our lineup is the singer Cheryl Baker? Is it number one, Making Your Mind Up? Or number two, I've Made Me Mind Up? Number three, I Definitely Know Who It Is? Number four, I'm Having Second Thoughts? Or number five, Oh No It's Number Two? (Number two - the real Cheryl Baker - laughs)

Edith:
Did you see? Two's laughing, it's number two, she's laughing.

Rufus:
What do you mean "it's number two, she's laughing"? You mean the one who looks like exactly like Cheryl Baker!?

Noel:
Look, you can't see what we can see, it's like transsexual Frank Zappas, it's terrifying!

Phill:
People that haven't got HDTV look at the whole lineup and think The Nolans are back together.

Terry:
They are! (Phill laughs)

Imelda:
I think it's number two...

Rufus:
(shouting) WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THINK IT'S NUMBER TWO!? IT'S NUMBER TWO! THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE CHERYL BAKER, THAT IN HIS INTRODUCTION TERRY SAID IT WAS!

Terry:
Okay let's find out...

Noel:
Whoa, whoa, wait a sec Terry! Easy!

Terry:
For God's sake...

Edith:
You know, we wanna make sure...

Noel:
I've got the authority of a seven year old girl! This is ridiculous! Edith's useless, (to Imelda) you're dressed as a ladybird, (to Terry) it's number two!

Terry:
Number two... Will the real Cheryl Baker please step forward? (Cheryl Baker - number two - steps forward and takes off her fake glasses to cheers and applause) It's number two! Now touring with The Original Bucks Fizz, Cheryl Baker, ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl.

(during a playing of Next Lines)

Terry:
"Ziggy play guitar..."

Edith:
Oh not again! (laughter)

Phill:
(as David Bowie) It's "jamming good with Weird and Gilly".

Terry:
You got it right, Edith! My goodness. Fantastic. It was "jamming good with Weird and Gilly", from David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust... the loveable... chap that he is...

Phill:
Was it really that bad an interview, Terry? Come on, tell us.

Terry:
Yeah.

Phill:
What did he do, Terry? Show us on the puppet what David Bowie did to you. (laughter)

Terry:
(to Phill) Sometimes you want to know a little bit too much. (Phill laughs) "He's the devil divine, I'm so glad that he's mine..."

Phil:
(as Bowie) I don't know this one! (laughter)

Imelda:
"...'cause he's my big, bad, handsome man."

Terry:
Yeah, of course. That's one of yours, Imelda.

Terry:
You're answering questions that have not yet been asked...

Noel:
(as Bowie) ...it was a shit interview, Terry! (laughter) Afterwards, you called me a prick! (laughter and applause as the end-of-round jingle plays)

Terry:
This has been "Never Mind The Boo Radleys". I used to be Terry Wogan. Good night.

(Phill and James do their first intro - "Fools Gold")

Rufus:
You know something, I know who it is, I clearly know the song and I don't know the name of this Stone Roses classic, and everyone in Manchester is like (in a Mancunian accent with appropriate hand gestures) "What a fuckin' wanker! That's why we should 'ave 'im on the telly up 'ere, so then it makes EastEnders look like fuckin' Shameless!" (in his normal voice, rolling his eyes, sneering at the camera) Well that would be good for a week. Er... Oh, "Fools Gold", no? "Fools Gold"!

Terry:
Do you know? You're absolutely right! (audience applause) Here is how it should have sounded. (Fools Gold plays in)

Noel:
You got that right, but you can never gig up north again!

Rufus:
(makes a mocking crying gesture to camera) There's a group of people looking at me going (in a Mancunian accent) "But 'e's not talkin' about things at the end of my road!" (in his normal voice) If you like that, go and watch Peter Kay, he's brilliant at remembering!