Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Series 5

Rick:
Actually Mark, the connection is Bilko. Sergeant Bilko, because he's saluting like the Americans did, like that Private Doberman did, and she looks like she's got a Doberman in her privates.

Sean:
You've got a twelve-year-old son, haven't you?

Rick:
Yeah.

Sean:
They're gonna be so proud watching this tonight, aren't they?

Rick:
They love the programme...

Sean:
"Dad's done the f***ing Doberman joke! School's gonna be a blast tomorrow, I'm already wearing the capes!"

Frank:
I bet he's a goer though, he's very fit, isn't he, Jimmy. I bet he could go for hours! I bet if you have sex with Jimmy Savile, afterwards you get a Mars bar and a Bacofoil cloak! (huge laughter from the audience, Mark and the teams)

Leeroy:
I think there's some porn going on there, 'cos all that jewellery, that's gotta come to a fair bit. Both of them are caked in gold. There's gotta be a bit of porn involved, 'cos it's far too expensive to have all that on.

Mark:
So you think the richest people in the world are those that star in porn films?

Phill:
You couldn't have Jimmy Savile in a porn film, you'd never be able to concentrate! (as Savile) "Now, you're a lovely lady, and I'm a plum-ber, and I've come to fix yer... How's about me repairing your plum-bing?"

Mark:
Now then, now then, now then, what's that then?

Phill:
And then when he's actually having sex... (as Savile) Eh-uh-uh... (goes into Savile's yodel)

Frank:
The orgasm!

Mark:
I'm guessing there might be other areas we could explore.

Frank:
If it was Gloria Estefan, we could've done a "Clunk Click, Every Trip" joke. (audience groans) Oh, come on! Apparently her last two had sold so well her spine went platinum. Is it true that his hairdresser was so famous they wrote an opera about him? (turns to camera) And that's this week's viewer's question, so what would that opera be called? (Mark laughs) Jimmy Savile's hairdresser, they wrote an opera about him. Call, and the prize is my dressing room key here at the BBC, ladies and gentlemen. (picks up and shows his key) Any offers?

Mark:
No entrance.

Male audience member:
The Barber of Savile!

Frank:
The Barber of Savile! Well done!

Mark:
(laughing and pointing at the audience member) He was pleased with himself!

Sean:
You've got a twelve-year-old kid! The only reason to do that is if you're playing football and someone's taking a free kick!

. . .

Frank:
Is Danny Kaye about to come in and go "Me, a swan?" (Mark laughs and claps. Some audience members also clap.)

Mark:
No, don't clap just 'cos I did! Make your own minds up! That's what I'm trying to say, be individual!

Frank:
Yeah, but you're a leader of men!

Mark:
...Of one bloke, there. (points to an audience member)

Frank:
Well Hitler probably started with one bloke. Hitler was probably in a pub and said "we should invade Poland" and one bloke went... (Claps) ...And ten years later...

Mark:
So, I've got a cult and it's just me and him? (Frank nods to the audience member) I'm gonna... I'm gonna top meself in a minute!

Frank:
See? That Hitler thing's started already! He killed the Alsatian first, I think is the normal the way round...

Mark:
What, Eva?

Frank:
Ohhh!

Mark:
What? I'm slagging off Eva Braun, and you're going "That's unfair! Don't slag off Eva, she was a lovely woman, apart from shagging, like, maybe the most evil man the world's ever seen, apart from that she was alright..."

Sean:
She shagged Chris Evans!?

Mark:
Smokey Robinson started a trend amongst pop stars when he named his daughter Tamla after his record company. Courtney Love's father calls her Rough Trade, while George Michael's dad now calls him Strange Fruit.

...

Mark:
Attractions bass player Bruce Thomas cut himself while demonstrating the safest way to smash a bottle in a fight. Kurt Cobain suffered a similar mishap while demonstrating the safest way to blow your head off with a gun.

...

Frank:
Was Kurt Cobain's dad on Stiff Records? (long period of laughter from the audience and Mark. A female audience member laughs hysterically.) That's a seagull trapped in the skylight!

Mark:
Turn the extractor fan off, let it out will you? (the audience member laughs even harder.) She's having a lovely time.

Frank:
I don't know, she might be having a bloody heart attack and we're ignoring it, or an asthma attack...

Mark:
I guess she's having a stroke every now and again.

Mark:
So Sean's team, can you detect which is the real Edwin, and which are the Droods? Is it number one, Six Day War? Number two, Hundred Years' War? Number three, Evelyn War? Number four, what is it good for? Or number five, HUH, absolutely nothin'?

Junior:
Okay, before I go any further, I'm not gonna take the mick too much because I could be related to any one of these guys, so erm...

Mark:
You mean because you're black as well?

Junior:
No, I'm sure my dad used to cut some of their hair.

Mark:
Number three probably wasn't a regular, was he?

Sean:
I'm a little worried about number three, he's just looking at a light, transfixed.

Junior:
(in an elderly man's voice) This is the first time I've come out in a long time! Is this a studio, yes? This is lovely!

Sean:
Are you okay, number three? He just doesn't know! Well four of them are obviously English and Edwin's flown over from America, so who looks jetlagged? Three! (audience laughter) He had a near crash, he's traumatised!

Junior:
Nah, any Americans here? Because normally they go, any Americans would go "WHOOO!" Erm, I reckon it's number four.

Sean:
Without any doubt, but I think we should let Faye choose.

Faye:
Well I like number four too because he's got that...

Sean:
Not who you like! (audience laughter)

Mark:
We try and make it a fun show, but we've gotta have rules!

Faye:
It's definitely number four, he's got that star quality...

Mark:
You're actually in the lead, so you can just pick a favourite if you want.

Sean:
Well, my favourite's number three, obviously! (number three - Athelston - still doesn't flinch! Audience laughter)

Mark:
He doesn't seem so fond of you!

Sean:
(to Mark) I know! (to the lineup) Three, I love you, you're coming home with me, we're living together...

Mark:
Isn't number three a very passionate man? (Beat. Audience laughs even more)

Sean:
I'm worried about the fella!

Mark:
When they all walk off, and he's still there! (imitates Athelston's stare at the lights)

Sean:
I know! He's the most professional, I bet they say to him "Now don't move, just stare straight ahead", and he goes "I gotcha!" (imitates Athelston's stare) He's the best! He should get time-and-a-half! The rest have been fidgeting, moving about, all sudden movements... HE'S A MANNEQUIN!

Mark:
The question being, which one do you think might be Edwin Starr?

Junior:
Number...

Faye:
Four.

Mark:
Let's find out. Will the real Edwin Starr please step forward? (the real Edwin Starr - number four - steps forward. Audience cheers and applause) And, er, just to set my mind at ease, would number three please step forward? (audience and Edwin laugh, Athelston almost cracks, Sean and Junior start beckoning him to step forward, and finally he does so, to the absolute joy of Mark, the panel, the line-up and the studio audience. Edwin embraces Athelston) It's like the parable of the bald man that could walk!

Phill's Team:
Glen Matlock (Sex Pistols) & Sara Cox

Sean's Team:
Faye Tozer (Steps) & Junior Simpson

Phill's Team:
Leeroy Thornhill & Frank Skinner

Sean's Team:
Rick Wakeman & Paul Godfrey (Morcheeba)