NewsRadio, Season 1

Beth:
Fire him as soon as he walks out that door.

Dave:
Excuse me?

Beth:
Fire him right here, right now, in front of everyone. Trust me, it will help you down the line. You're not exactly establishing yourself as an authority figure with the staff.

Bill:
She's right, you know.

Beth:
It's like, you know how they say when it's your first day in prison, you should act crazy and beat someone with a chair so nobody will mess with you?

Dave:
I've never actually heard that before, Beth.

Dave:
Why? Because I'm the boss, Bill, that's why! That's why, Bill. And I will not be manipulated, I will not be contradicted, and I will not be intimidated!

Bill:
Well, I didn't realize you were a man of such strong conviction, of such deeply felt moral tenacity, of such remarkable centeredness...

Dave:
All right, Bill, I'm not going to be sucked-up to either.

Bill:
Well, you've eliminated all my options. All that's left is backstabbing.

[Beth finds out that Dave and Lisa made out]

Beth:
Dave, there is no avoiding it. When you make out with a co-worker, you have an ugly scene in the office and then the next thing you know, I am at home crying my eyes out because I'm afraid to come into work the next morning!

Dave:
We're not talking about me any more, are we?

Beth:
No, we're not, Dave. We're talking about me now.

Dave:
You and, uh...

Beth:
The Fed-Ex guy.

Dave:
We don't use Fed-Ex.

Beth:
Not any more.

Mr. James:
Boy, I love a good party. You love a good party, Joe?

Joe:
That's why I went to college, sir. That's also why I didn't graduate.

Mr. James:
Yeah, me neither. So what? Didn't stop me from building a million-dollar empire. Didn't stop you from becoming a... what do you do again?

Joe:
I'm an electrician.

Mr. James:
Well, things were different in my day.

Dave:
I just had no idea that the Patch could have side effects.

Bill:
And I had no idea you're only supposed to wear one at a time.

Dave:
How many were you wearing?

Bill:
Fifteen, sixteen. I sort of stuck them all around my waist like a belt.

Dave:
Mr. James, I didn't see you come in.

Mr. James:
Yeah, that's the way I like it. Like, uh, that magician guy. What's his name?...

Dave:
David Copperfield?

Mr. James:
No.

Dave:
Siegfried?

Mr. James:
No.

Dave:
Roy?

Mr. James:
That's the one.

Dave:
Listen up, everybody, this is what we're going to do.

Bill:
Standard subway crisis. We know what to do, Dave.

Dave:
I didn't know there was a standard procedure for this.

Bill:
Oh, sure. We send a reporter to the scene. He asks the transit police if he can go in the tunnel. They say no. He says okay. I go on the air every eight minutes and say "Still no news on that disabled train." Business as usual. Let's do it, people!

Dave:
Actually, Bill, if I might, I'd like to try something a little different this time, okay?

Bill:
Okay, how about this? Send reporter, transit police, tunnel-no-okay, me on air every seven minutes, blah, blah, blah. Let's do it, people!

Dave:
I made a small error in judgment.

Mr. James:
A small error in judgment... What exactly would that be, Dave? Would that be Matthew's desk, or the dinner with Matthew, or the dinner with Lisa or the second dinner with Lisa?

Dave:
Okay, I may have made three or four small errors in judgment.

Mr. James:
No, they weren't errors, Dave. They were decisions and that's your job. No, the only error I see is that you're letting your people push you around and make you second-guess your decisions.

Dave:
Of course, you're right.

Mr. James:
And now you're letting me do it. Want my advice?

Dave:
Yes.

Mr. James:
Well, I'm not gonna give it to you.

[Matthew is worried he's going to get "The Shaft" - a bonus of zero dollars.]

Bill:
Say, Joe, who's the black private dick that's a sex machine for all the chicks?

Joe:
Bill, I think that would be Shaft.

[Matthew notices and looks up.]

Bill:
And who's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about?

Joe:
Again, Bill, we're talkin' 'bout Shaft.

Bill:
Damn right.

Joe:
You know, they say that cat Shaft is one bad mother-

Matthew:
Shut up, you guys!

Mr. James:
[entering] Hey, what's goin' on?

Bill:
We're just talking about Shaft.

Mr. James:
I can dig it.

Beth:
Okay, now I assume you're giving Lisa the Big Bonus, right? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?

Dave:
No, no I am not. I mean, just because Lisa and I are dating, that doesn't mean I'm going to give her the Big Bonus.

Beth:
Oooh. You do know that Lisa is absolutely certain she's getting the big bonus, don't you, Dave?

Dave:
Oh?

Beth:
Yeah.

Dave:
Oh... Okay, Beth, would you get Lisa for me?

Beth:
[yelling] Lisa, Dave wants you! [to Dave] You're not going to give her The Shaft, are you, Dave? I mean, in addition to the one you give her on a semi-nightly basis?

Dave:
Good God, Beth. Were you raised by truckers?

Dave:
Sir, it's about the budget.

Mr. James:
The budget? Don't I pay someone else to think about that?

Dave:
That would be me.

Mr. James:
Well, then, why am I thinking about it? You know, you're not giving me much bang for my buck here, Dave.

Dave:
All right, look, Beth. I know you've had a rough day, I know this has been very hard on you, and I know you've heard this before; but I'm gonna say it again because it's important, all right? You do not have to subscribe in order to be eligible for the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes.

Beth:
You are so naive, Dave.

Bill:
Do you have a special lady in your life?

Dave:
No.

Bill:
I'm sorry, that was presumptuous of me. Do you have a special person in your life?

[Catherine interviews Tom P. Baxter, "business visionary"]

Catherine:
I realize no one can actually predict the future, but I understand you have a unique insight into where we might be headed as we approach the turn of the century.

Tom:
Yeah, I do. As I see it, Catherine, the future of business, well, the future of this country in fact is... computers.

Catherine:
Computers. Okay, would you care to elaborate on that?

Tom:
Oh, you bet! I think computers are great! You can keep records on them, play games. They're, well, they're like magic.

Catherine:
Uh-huh...

Tom:
I mean, I don't have one yet. But I'm gonna get one, you better believe that.

Catherine:
What exactly do you do for a living, Tom?

Tom:
Well, I'm between things right now, but all that's gonna change just as soon as I get a computer!

Bill:
Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman, and I'll show you a man.

Lisa:
What exactly happened?

Bill:
She frenched me, Lisa. We got in the limo, and she was all over me.

Lisa:
I'm sorry, Bill. That must have been very uncomfortable for you.

Bill:
You know what it's like? It's like taking your daughter to the fair and buying her cotton candy and winning prizes for her... and then you get on the Ferris wheel and she wants to make out.

Lisa:
[uncomfortable] OK...

Bill:
Well, how could she do that to me, Lisa? How could she... french her daddy?