Nip/Tuck, Season 5

Sean:
It's been 2 months without even a Botox shot, Christian. So far, the only thing I have to show for opening a new practice in Los Angeles is a better hook shot.

Christian:
I wouldn't go that far. Look, we both knew it wasn't gonna be easy, right? But it's not like we can start up in a strip mall, hand out fliers hoping people will come through the door.

Sean:
Worked the first time we started a business together.

Christian:
At 25,baby! At 40, you gotta go all out. We owned Miami, right?

Sean:
Yeah.

Christian:
Right? So sooner or later, we're gonna make this town our bitch, too.

Liz:
You’re gonna need a bigger boat.

Christian:
What?

Liz:
Jaws. First time Brody sees the shark. You guys are in over your heads. You’re chum, being devoured by all the Rodeo Drive great whites.

Sean:
Jesus, does anyone in this town not have plastic surgery?

Christian:
I feel like I'm trying to sell semen at a whorehouse.

Sean:
They should just be honest and rename the show "Shit".

Christian:
Shit.

Christian:
Pineapple juice, baby! Makes a man's shooty-shoot taste infinitely sweeter. It's nature's guarantee of a second date.

Sean:
I think our credentials speak for themselves. I’m written up in the New England Journal of Medicine three times, Plastic Reconstructive Surgery Journal twice...

Fiona:
And how many times have you been written up in People Magazine, hotshot? You can’t spit in this town without hitting a plastic surgeon from Harvard. It’s not what you’ve done, it’s whom. Celebrity is power.

Sean:
Well, we’re screwed. We can’t get a celebrity til we’ve operated on a celebrity!

Freddy Prune:
It’s okay for Tony Soprano’s best friend to be named Pussy but we’re television--not HBO-- so we can’t use the 'p' word on the network.

Christian:
Well, we had a case a couple of years ago... Remember, Sean? This woman came into our office. She burned her lips off in a cooking accident.

Sean:
Right, we had to do a graft using skin from her vagina. The only problem was, her husband didn’t like oral sex, so she couldn’t let him know where the skin came from.

Christian:
We called her Pussy Lips. I’d watch a show with pussy lips on it.

Freddy Prune:
How soon can you start?

Christian:
We’re not interested in just being consultants, Mr. Prune.

Sean:
We’re not?

Christian:
We want producer credits and the occasional line.

Aidan Stone:
What the hell is this shit, Freddy? A musical episode? How gay is that? Come on, this is the kind of desperate schlock you don’t do til your fifth season!

Aidan Stone:
Why is it that we’re in the plastic surgery capital of the world and we’re forced to work with these Miami wannabes? Can you tell me that?

Sean:
You are not in charge here! I have seen kids playing doctor who have better surgical technique than you do! I’m giving you an opportunity to be more authentic. I would take it if I were you.

Sean:
Look at us. Mutilating our bodies, selling out to some hack TV show. We’re good surgeons. Why live in a place which doesn’t appreciate us, you know? Maybe we should have moved somewhere where substance reigns over style. Like New York.

Christian:
Julia’s gone. Living a couple of subway stops away ain’t gonna change that.

Christian:
Look, you made a bold move coming out here, partner. Maybe the first one of your life, huh? How many guys our age finally get the opportunity to get the recognition they deserve? This is just the beginning.

Sean:
Fame isn’t love, Christian. Getting it isn’t going to fill up some hole you’ve had inside you since you were a kid.

Christian:
I’m a jackrabbit. I don’t do slow and steady. I’ve paid my dues and I want some overnight success.

Christian:
Let me start off by saying I’m a huge fan. Of all the romantic comedies I’ve been dragged to by my girlfriends over the years, yours are the ones I hated the least. So, tell me what you don’t like about yourself, Miss Summers?

Carly Summers:
That I was stupid enough to let Fiona drag me here. Look, Doctor, I’m sure you are a genius at what you do but plastic surgery is an actor’s worst nightmare. You stretch actresses’ faces so they don’t have to stretch themselves.

Fiona:
Says the woman who hasn’t landed a part deeper than a shot-glass in three years.

Christian:
I’m taking Carly to the Ivy.

Sean:
[referring to Wilbur] Did you call a sitter?

Christian:
No, but you’re not doing anything. Come on, it’s business.

Sean:
I thought you turned down her surgery.

Christian:
I did turn down her surgery and now I need to turn her on. We’re not going to get anywhere in this town by giving Carly Summers a little Botox. She needs a face-lift, a tit job and whatever else I can seduce her into getting. Good plan, huh?

Sean:
How about I take the Hollywood star out to dinner and you stay home with your son? I’ll do the convincing.

Christian:
Because I’m the charismatic salesman and you’re the talent. That’s the way it’s always been.

Sean:
That’s exactly why I left Miami.

Mistress Dark Pain:
Let me tell you something, doctor. It’s not easy being Robert Easton. He isn’t stupid. He knows that underneath his ‘look-how-big-my-dick-is’ act that he’s just a scared little boy who feeds of everyone else’s talent and dreams. He’s nothing. I have a gift. I help keep men like Bob from imploding with too much power.

Sean:
Sounds like living the dream has its price.

Bob Easton:
Of course it does. Eat your young on a regular basis, what do you expect? All day long, I’m the one with the control, the power. Once a week, Mistress Dark Pain takes it all away from me. Sometimes twice a week during Oscar season. Every bite somehow restores the balance. Keeps me real, you know?

Fiona:
What are you? Leg man, ass man, tit man...?

Christian:
Tit man, why?

Fiona:
(unbuttoning her shirt) Mommy issues. You should know.

Christian:
You're right. I'm an asshole.

Fiona:
The town's full of assholes. What makes you special?

Christian:
Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Christian:
You have a daughter? That is fantastic. What about daddy? You pull him out of the drawer for Thanksgiving to baste the turkey?

Olivia:
She was conceived in my college dorm the good, old-fashioned way by adding two hard bodies, a quart of rum and stirring.

Christian:
Very kinky. Where's papa now?

Olivia:
Where do you think? After he impregnated me, I bit off his head.

Christian:
Julia called yesterday and said she’s moving in with someone.

Sean:
Well that’s great. She’s seeing someone, I’m seeing someone.

Christian:
Since when you’re seeing someone?!

Sean:
I’m having a little fling with somebody on the show, an actress.

Christian:
Well there’s a bit of a difference here. You’re not moving in with your current piece of ass!

Sean:
Yet!

Sean:
Just say it; you're thinking she wouldn't be a lesbian if she'd been married to you. That I must be such a lousy lay that my wife went from dwarf humping to carpet munching.

[Christian laughs]

Sean:
It's not funny.

Christian:
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at us. I mean, it is funny. After all these years, Julia was the reason for our 'who's got the biggest dick contest'. Now we find out, she doesn’t even like 'em.

Christian:
Julia moved to Lesbania.

Liz:
Julia is just a tourist.

Christian:
[referring to the ass bandit] Why would someone do that?

Liz:
For the thrill of getting away with it, or maybe because brown is the new black.

Eden:
I know you fantasize about me while you're pumping away on little Miss Jenny Craig. Does fatty dumpster swallow? I bet she's too worried about the calories.

Christian:
Sorry, am I interrupting "Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition"?

Christian:
I love all this Californian New Age crap. It is hilarious to make you think that you can stick a needle in your head, and that your whole body is going to go numb; you know it's just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Olivia:
[to Christian, referring to her relationship with Julia] I think our personal life is for us to know and for you to fantasize about when you're masturbating.

Linda:
These guys are crazy. The only reason I've moved here it's because they threw a bunch of money at me. And the golf opportunities.

Colleen:
(wheeling out a Teddy Bear stuffing machine) Do you know what it's like to be a nobody and suddenly become a somebody because you hit your dumb little unimportant star, the one that shines so much brighter than yours? And do you know how much it hurts... (attaching a hose up to the machine) ... when that wondrous, magical star suddenly flickers out and dies in your life, and you end up being just shut in the shadows? It hurts so much! You will not take away my star, you will not take away my Sean. (holds the hose up to the face of a tied down man) I want you to open your mouth. I said open your mouth! Get some god damn dignity. (places the hose in his mouth and turns the machine on) See the stuffing? It's going inside you now. That's it, that's it. that's it, that's it. (closes the now dead man's eyes and places bead eyes over his)

Kimber:
You always know what to do.

Christian:
That's because I'm a real man.I wanna hear you say it.

Kimber:
You're a real man, baby.

Christian:
Give it up.

Kimber:
Real man has scars. (Sees scar) I'm sorry.That's disgusting.

Christian:
What?

Kimber:
It's disgusting. And I'm not surprised because you with all your self loading and the way you threatened people. I mean it's not wonder you pull that in.

Christian:
I did what?

Kimber:
You did this! It's Karma , Christian!It's a bitch!

Christian:
Are you gloating with the fact that I have cancer? Get out of here!

Kimber:
Well , that made you feel like a real man now , huh? Throwing me around like that! I feel sorry for you , Christian. I do. But when you look at all the emotional scars you left another women over the years. I'm surprised that this didn't happened to you sooner.

Dr. Joshua Lee [5.7]:
Sean: Our granddaughter will want for nothing except parental role models.