Only Fools and Horses, Series 1 (1981)

Grandad:
(watching TV) That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he Rodney? He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Rodney:
Yeah knock out Grandad. Sidney Potter?

Grandad:
Yeah, you know him. Always plays the black fella.

Rodney:
Sidney Poitier!

Grandad:
Sidney Potter.

Del:
Are you two at it again?

Rodney:
Del. How do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Potter?

Del:
Personally, I'd pronounce it Harry Belafonte, but you two please yourselves.

Del:
(to Rodney) What are you doing?

Rodney:
Our accounts.

Del:
You keeping accounts now?! (to Grandad) Well, there you are Grandad. A lot of people said I was a right dipstick to make my brother a partner in the business. But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were!

Del:
I grafted 19 or 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table, alright it wasn't always double legal but you ate the finest food that was going.

Rodney:
All you use to give me was TV dinners or convienience food, if it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it. If you had been in charge of The last supper it would have been a take away.

Del:
Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!

Del:
(trying to explain to Rodney why Trotters Independent Traders never pays taxes) We don't pay V.A.T, we don't pay income tax or national insurance. On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit... The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the government nothing.

Rodney:
(when Rodney first meets Trigger) Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?

Del:
No. It's 'cause he looks like a horse.

Del:
You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed.

Grandad:
(to Rodney) Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top. There again, he always used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup!

Rodney:
I saw myself more in the capacity of a financial advisor.

Del:
A financial advisor?! Bonjour Trieste! You are beautiful, you are, Rodney! Today, I almost clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for £175. When my "financial advisor" stuck his nose in, and advised me to pay £200. Right? And now, having paid the £200, my "financial advisor" now advises me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! Now, with financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' recession?

Del:
Do you hear that?

Rodney:
No, what is it?

Del:
That's Mum turning in her grave.

Grandad:
You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother.

Del:
(sarcastically) No.

Del:
It's been so long that Rodney had a bit on the side, he didn't know they'd moved it.

Rodney:
I'm gonna do what Monica was doing last night!

Del:
Going dancing with Mickey Pearce?

Rodney:
It looked all right from the outside.

Del:
It looked all right from the outside? That's what the Christians said about the Colosseum!

Del:
(hurriedly, after talking to a couple of "women") Drink up, we're leaving

Rodney:
Why? Are they a couple of ravers?

Del:
No, they're a couple of geezers!"

Michelle:
(asking Rodney which tennis turf he likes playing on) What do you prefer? Astroturf or grass?

Rodney:
I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf!

Rodney:
(telling Del what he has just accidentally done in the car on their way home) Del,you know that cigar packet you just gave me... I chucked out the window about a mile and a half back.

Del:
You what? You pranny!!!!

Del:
God! I don't believe it. I just do not believe it! Now look what you've done Rodney, you've smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.

Rodney:
Me? You were driving it.

Del:
Don't play bloody word games with me, Rodney! (shouting at the car behind) What's your game pal. What is your game, are you blind or something?

Australian Man:
I'm very sorry about that mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky... You! I've been looking for you two flaming Gollahs all day long... Now come here!

Del:
What do you mean "won't see us arrive" I want people to see me arrive

Rodney:
In a three wheeled van? Still got no choice have we?

Del:
Yes we have. We can take Boycie's E type Jaguar

Rodney:
Are you all right, Del? I thought you was in bother!

Del:
That's why it took you an hour and a half to come! Didn't Grandad tell you that I'd called?

Rodney:
Oh yeah, he told me! "Del Boy's been captured by the Indians!" he said. I didn't know whether to call the police or the Texas Rangers!

Mr. Rahn:
(to Del and Rodney) Vimmal Malik has in his possession the one single item that remains of my birthright. It's a simple porcelain statuette of Kuvera. You know who Kuvera is?

Del & Rodney:
Yeah.

Del:
You don't know who Kuvera is!

Rodney:
Well he was, er, I don't know.

Del:
See what I mean Mr. Rahn, he's got 2 O-Levels and he thinks he's Bamber Gascoigne's vest.

Rodney:
Alright mastermind, who is he?

Del:
Kuvera was one of India's Premier Wicket Keepers.

Rodney:
You berk!

Mr. Rahn:
Kuvera is the Hindu God of Wealth.

Vimmal:
Where's your watch Derek?

Del:
It's at the menders, I broke it last night playing you know volleyball.

Vimmal:
I thought you were right-handed.

Del:
No, I'm ambiguous.

Mr. Rahn:
If I got into my car at 9:00 in the morning, it'd take me up to 2 in the afternoon to drive around my land.

Rodney:
We had a car like that once.

Waiter:
£2000? Why, you can get them for £17 in Portobello Road! It's amazing how much you can save if you shop around

Rodney:
No sign of Vimmal?

Del:
No, he packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left! As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night's Dream: "We've been done up like a couple of kippers."

Rodney:
Get us a packet of pork scratchings, will you?

Del:
Pork scratchings! Sounds like a pig with fleas!

Pauline:
You never married yourself, Del?

Del:
No, no no, I never fancied myself!

Del:
You don't have romantic feelings, you. You just have animal urges. Sometimes I think you've learned the art of seduction by watching Wildlife on One.

Del:
Look at that Rodney, she's only had two husbands die on her.

Rodney:
Yeah? One more and she keeps the match ball, don't she?

Pauline:
It used to be your mother's room, Rodney, but it's mine now and I don't want to see you in there. Is that understood?

Rodney:
Jawohl, mein Obergruppenführer! (gives a Nazi salute)

Del:
My only worry is, is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough?

Grandad:
A tandem would be too big!

Del:
This time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Grandad:
You said that this time last year!

Del:
As dear old Mum used to say, "It's better to know you've lost than not to know you've won." Dear old Mum... she used to say some bloody stupid things.

Del:
I'm not a ruthless mercenary. Who is it that goes around the estate every Christmas time, making sure all the old people have got enough to eat and drink?

Rodney:
Yeah, and who was it, during the Brixton riot, that drove down in the van, selling paving stones to the rioters? I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them, eh? All run off home and start building patios?

Del:
Mine is not to reason why, mine is to sell and buy.

Rodney:
And what have we got in this country to combat the might of the Soviet Union? Three Jump Jets and a strongly worded letter to the Russian ambassador.

Rodney:
I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.

Del:
What principle?

Rodney:
Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.

Del:
How are we doing for time Rodney?

Rodney:
(looking at his watch) Erm, we died 45 seconds ago.

[Del and Rodney are at The Nag's Head, and Del notices Trigger]

Del:
Ah, there he is. Oi, Trigger?! (gestures and Trigger comes over) Here. You know my brother, don't you, eh? [points at Rodney]

Trigger:
Yeah, course I do. (to Rodney) How you going, Dave? (Trigger and Rodney shake hands; to Del) Sorry I'm late, Del Boy. I had to pop round me sister's to sort out an alibi for next Thursday. (to barmaid) Joycie! (he goes over to the bar as Del drinks)

Rodney:
Del?

Del:
Hmm?

Rodney:
Del?

Del:
What?

Rodney:
(quietly) Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?

Del:
No. It's 'cause he looks like a horse.

Grandad:
(On the phone) 'Ere, there's someone on the phone. It's Tim.

Del:
Tim who?

Grandad:
Tim the Talking Clock. (Rodney takes the phone as Del double checks the note)

Del:
Hold a cow! She only phoned the talking clock before she left! And this i-- (turns the note over) Gordon Bennett, this is dated four days ago!

Rodney:
I don't want to worry you, Del, but this Tim's got a funny accent.

Del:
(takes the phone and listens. A look of horror crosses his face) She only phoned the talking clock in America!

Grandad:
(taking the phone) You mean we're connected to America? (listens) It's amazing, innit? Hello!!

Del & Rodney:
HANG IT UP!!

Grandad:
I don't know why they have these drug addiction centres. Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is? Without them recruiting them.

Del:
(to Rodney, in the Monte Carlo Club) I've heard your line of patter my son. If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result it's goodnight Vienna, innit?

Del:
Now here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna leave the club.

Rodney:
Leave?

Del:
Yeah. And you wait a couple of minutes right? And then you'll come back saying that there's a brand new Rolls Royce Corniche obstructing your three wheeled van.