Only Fools and Horses, Series 2 (1982)

Grandad:
You've always been a bad 'un, Rodney.

Rodney:
What, 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet?

Grandad:
I mean smoking mari-jew-arna!

Del:
(after Rodney goes on a date with a policewoman) One minute you're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute... Whack! Life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.

Grandad:
Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, Del Boy. It were them that started me drinking.

Del:
Yeah, I can understand that. The boy's grown into a man. I don't, I don't feel as needed as I used to be. Soon he'll, he'll fly the nest! But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years!

Grandad:
(to Sandra) Rodney's got a police record!

Del:
That's right, it's "Walking on the Moon"!

Sandra:
Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property?

Rodney:
Put you in charge of the Christmas Club more like.

Sandra:
I'll give you 24 hours breathing space time to shall we say spring clean your flat and after that I'm coming round with the CID, That's 24 hours Rodney.

Rodney:
Reminds me of that Gene Pitney song you know "24 Hours from Dartmoor".

Trigger:
You knew my granddad, Arthur, didn't you?

Granddad:
Oh yeah, I knew Arthur alright.

Trigger:
He was a smashing man. He took care of me after my mum went.

Rodney:
Where was your dad?

Trigger:
He died a couple of years before I was born.

Rodney:
It's Arthur's Ashes!

Del:
Arthur's Ashes? That's the black bloke who won Wimbledon innit?

Del:
Do you know any hymns?

Rodney:
Er "We Three Kings of Orient Are".

Del & Rodney:
(singing) We Three Kings...

Del:
(suddenly stops) That's a Christmas carol, you wally. Why don't you go the whole hog, and sing "Jingle Bells" while I sprinkle him around a bit?!

Grandad:
You play cards again last night?

Del:
Hmm... Yeah. You know me, eh: he who dares, wins.

Grandad:
How did you get on?

Del:
I lost.

Del:
You are giving my arse a headache, Rodney!

Del:
Beneath all this finery, there lies... a berk. Now that surprises you dunnit?

Rodney:
No.

Boycie:
Is that all you've got Del?

Del:
uh no, no (nudging his head towards Rodney), Rodney's got the rest of it...

Rodney:
Have I? Oh yeah... here's the four pounds thirty-two pence for the empties I took back...

Del:
What you got?

Boycie:
I've got kings.

Del:
How many?

Boycie:
Un, deux, tois, quatre.

Del:
Four!?

Boycie:
I didn't know you were good at maths Del Boy.

Boycie:
Come on Del, let's see your two pair.

Del:
Well I've got a pair of aces and another pair of aces.

Boycie:
That's FOUR aces.

Del:
I didn't know you were good at maths either Boycie.

Boycie:
(grudgingly) Well done, Del. Nicely played. (whispers) Where did you get those four bloody Aces from?

Del:
Same place you got those Kings. I knew you was cheating, Boycie.

Boycie:
Oh yeah, how?

Del:
Because that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.

Rodney:
(to himself on spotting that picture of Tommy whilst alone in the room) Bloody Hell, he's a big bloke!

Irene:
You'd better tell me your name, it'll get a bit embarrasing if I have to call you "Thingy" all night!

Rodney:
My name's Rodney.

Irene:
Irene.

Rodney:
No, Rodney.

Del:
How old is she, 20?

Rodney:
No, she's about, 30!

Del:
How old is "about 30"?

Rodney:
40!

Del:
(coughing) 40! 40? Stone me Rodney.

Rodney:
What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?

Del:
Nothing. Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50! Blimey, she's even too old for me!

Grandad:
Well I'd have to think twice!

Del:
Oh, but it was only a friendly drink.

Tommy Mackay:
But I'm not a friendly geezer. And that kind of thing makes me really angry! I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll remember for the rest of your life, Rodney, my old son!

Del:
Now let's not be hasty, eh? Rodney? Did you say Rodney?

Tommy Mackay:
Yeah that's right, Rodney Trotter, that's you, annit?

Del:
No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah I'm... I'm Rodney Trotter, yeah!

Tommy:
Good, okay, Leroy, give him some air!

Del:
(to Tommy and Leroy after his camel coat lands in a puddle before the fight) Now look what you made do! That was a brand new coat!!

Del:
It's quiet here.

Rodney:
(not really listening to what Del is saying) Yeah...

Del:
Peaceful.

Rodney:
Yeah.

Del:
You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese take away tomorrow.

Rodney:
Yeah...

Del:
The sun is shining and the birds are singing.

Rodney:
(realises what Del has said) What was that?

Del:
The sun is shinging and the birds are singing?

Rodney:
No, before that.

Del:
Everything's quiet and peaceful?

Rodney:
No Del, in between everything being quiet and peaceful and the sun shining and the birds signing, you said something about a Chinese take away?

Mr. Chin:
This man phone me. He does not give me his name but he say to me, "Get your kitchen painted or you'll be in big trouble, John."

Rodney:
Oh. (penny drops) John?

Del:
Yeah, John. You know the expression "John". Cockney expression, bruv.

Mr. Chin:
Have you decided what colour the walls will be?

Del:
Oh yes of course you don't think I'd leave something that important to the last minute, do you? (to Rodney) Get that lid off!.

Rodney:
(struggling to open a tin of paint) I'm trying.

Del:
I thought... and you can shoot me down in flames if you like Mr. Chin, but what I thought the colour these walls should be... (to Rodney) Have you got the lid off yet?!?

Mr. Chin:
Blue.

Del:
What?

Mr. Chin:
I like blue.

Del:
Oh blue. Je suis frontiers. That is exactly what I thought. I thought why don't we paint these walls a nice subtle shade of blue.

Mr. Chin:
What shade of blue?

Rodney:
Yellow.

Del:
And then I changed my mind. I thought not blue. I thought we should paint them gold.

Rodney:
That's yellow.

Del:
This is gold, Rodney. Are you illiterate or something? You see I remembered the name of your beautiful restaurant. Gold for the Golden Lotus.

Del:
Don't let him go! That's not gonna please Mr Chin, ain't it?

Rodney:
Was it his pet?

Del:
No, but number 39 is off the menu.

Rodney:
What have you been up to, Del?

Del:
Oh, bits and pieces.

Rodney:
Where have you been?

Del:
Here and back.

Rodney:
So what have you been doing?

Del:
This and that.

Rodney:
As long as I know.

Grandad:
I thought you'd winkle it out of him in the end.

Rodney:
You swore to me it wasn't nicked. Bankrupt stock you said.

Del:
British Rail, same thing init?

Grandad:
(Rodney is angry after finding out the paint used for the kitchen was hooky) Tunnels?

Del:
What?

Rodney:
No, he said that!

Grandad:
Trigger said the paint was used for painting signs in tunnels, well how can you see a sign in a tunnel, it's pitch black innit?

Trigger:
Nah it's alright, this is luminous.

Del:
See Grandad, it's luminous, which means you can see in the... Luminous?!

Grandad:
(on the telephone) Oh, hello Mr. Chin. No Del's gone out. I'm not sure... Where have you gone to, Del?

Mr. Chin:
Don't you "Hello, Mr. Chin" me! What have you done to my walls?!

Del:
Glowing are they? Tell them not to be frightened, cos this is new energy saving paint we're using. It's designed to cut down on the electricity bills. Yeah. Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll be round to see you first thing in the morning. (puts the receiver down)

Rodney:
Does he want his money back?

Del:
No, he wants you to go round tomorrow and do out his living room in it!

Rodney:
You were gun-running in the middle of a civil war?

Grandad:
Well, that's the best time to do it. Supply and demand.

Rodney:
You dirty old mercenary.

Grandad:
We didn't do it purely for financial gain. Oh no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause.

Del:
Which side were you selling to?

Grandad:
Whichever side had the most money, really.

Grandad:
(in the cell, recounting his earlier experience with the Spanish authorities) ...they took Nobby away; tortured him... all through the night, you could hear his screams!

Rodney:
Woke you up at one point, I bet!

Grandad:
(shaking his head) The last thing on my mind was sleep, but no matter how hard they tried, Nobby wouldn't say a word... and then it were my turn...

Rodney:
(briefly concerned) What... they tortured you?

Grandad:
No... but they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew!

Del:
Can you manage, Grandad?

Grandad:
Yeah, I think so, Del.

Del:
Mind your hernia! That's not bad, you know? I reckon we done well there.

Grandad:
Waste of money if you ask me, come all this way and all.

Del:
What do you mean a waste of money? They're beautiful! Not only are they exquisite ornaments, guaranteed to brighten any sideboard, they are also a revolving musical box!

Rodney:
They are China cats that play "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window."

Del:
What do you want for £1.25, "Okla-bleeding-homa"?!

Rodney:
Don't you think it's a bit sick? A cat playing a song about a dog.

Del:
No, it means they're unique.

Grandad:
It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in.

Del:
When a North Korean came to live in London, he thought that Battersea dog's home was a takeway.

Del:
Here Grandad. You want a jemmy?

Grandad:
Nah. Had one before we left Del.

Del:
Grandad! How you getting on?

Grandad:
All right Del Boy. I found it Del.

Del:
There you are, he's found the nut. Told you we could trust him.

Grandad:
I'm starting to undo it.

Del & Rodney:
(rushing under the chandelier whith the tarpaulin) Noooo!!!

Del:
You silly old duffer, we ain't up the ladders yet!

Rodney:
Grandad, don't you touch nothing 'til we tell you!

Del:
Right up we go Rodders. Anything you want?

Rodney:
Yeah, I wanna go home.

Del:
All right Grandad, we're ready. You can start undoing it now.

Grandad:
(unscrewing the bolt) It's coming, Del Boy. One more turn, Del.

Del:
Right, now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself.

Del:
(calmy, to Rodney) Grandad was undoing the other chandelier.

Rodney:
How can you tell?

Grandad:
Alright, Del Boy.

Del:
Alright? Look at it!

Grandad:
Did you drop it, Del?

Rodney:
How could we drop it?! We wasn't even holding it! We was working on that one.

Grandad:
Well I wish you'd said something, 'cos I was working on this one. Is it very valuable Del?

Del:
(smiling) Nah, not really. (angry) It was bleeding priceless when it was hanging up there though!

Grandad:
Oh my good gawd...

Rodney:
Is this where you've been for the last couple of days, painting Mum's monument??

Del:
It was her favourite colour and we both agreed it needed brightening up.

Rodney:
Brightening? It looks more like a rocket launch!

Del:
Well, I didn't know it was going to be luminous, did I?

Rodney:
Do you realise our mum's grave is now going to become a beacon for every Satanist and acid-head in England? There's gonna be white witches dancing round that on a full moon! There's going to be chicken blood everywhere!

Grandad:
What worries me is that it's on the main flight path to Heathrow!

Del:
I wish you two could see yourselves; there's Mum and her monument, she's fast asleep, the third coat's hardly dry and you're already quivering in your shoes. Well, I'll tell you this much, I don't regret that I did it, and I will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks and their narrow-minded rules! I shall look 'em straight in the face and say "I am the man who's responsible and I'm proud of it!" [Del takes another look at the monument, grimaces and turns to face Rodney and Grandad] We'll put it down to vandals. Come on, let's get out of here before we get our collars felt!

Rodney:
[discussing Grandad's arrest] They'll just deport him again.

Del:
Just deport him? You're joking! They've just had the World Cup here, haven't they?! They've got half of Manchester and Glasgow to get rid of first! By the time we get him back, he'll be eating paella and calling us gringoes!

Vicar:
I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?

Del:
(commenting on the chicken he's been eating at the Nag's Head) Tough? Tough? It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!

Heather:
(after listening to Old Shep) Did you have an old dog?

Del:
I've had many old dogs in my time!