Orange Is the New Black, Season 2

Midwest Inmate:
Ain't no mountains in the Midwest, dumbass. There's plains and corn and a shit ton of white people who don't vote in their best interest.

Piper Chapman:
I was a demanding poochie.

Piper Chapman:
He's a hit man? Oh I thought he was a rapist. I'm so relieved!

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
According to this aptitude test, I should be a professional athlete, a park ranger or a correctional officer.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
You're a good son. Not great, but pretty good.

Vasily Reznikov:
I'll take it.

Poussey Washington:
Man, I thought special guests meant like Mo'Nique or Wesley Snipes or somethin'. Not some cigarette-hawkin' fuck-nut reminding us that the only people who want to hire felons are already hated by everybody else.

Cindy "Black Cindy" Hayes:
Nah, see, they ain't so bad. See, people can decide for theyselves if they wanna smoke. The real evil are them companies killin' us without consent. Monsanto. Rio Tinto. Big Pharma, BP, Halliburton. I been readin' there's some dark shit goin' down. Not that any of 'em motherfuckers ever wanna hire us. But the real criminals, they don't bother with us small-timers.

Natalie "Fig" Figueroa:
[to Taystee] Why is it so hard for you people to understand? You're like babies. "Where's my present?" "Pay attention to me", "Give me things", " "Fix the heat", "Build a gym". I'm not your goddamn mommy. Grow up!

Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren:
Sometimes people just don't want to play with you, and that's okay.

Lorna Morello:
What kind of woman doesn't want to pick her own date?

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
One that doesn't get excited about the wedding industrial complex and society's bullshit need to infantilize grown women.

Yvonne "Vee" Parker:
[to Crazy Eyes about Piper] At the end of the day, you are a garden rose and that bitch is a weed.

Brook Soso:
You tried to sell me for a blanket?

Piper Chapman:
Well, when you put it that way--

Brook Soso:
You are sick, you know that? You are seriously fucked up.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
You know, she's right, Chapman. You're a horrible person.

Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson:
Yo, the Spanish bitches are sitting on too many freakin' pillows, making it hard to see and shit. [She throws popcorn at Flaca]

Marisol "Flaca" Gonzales:
Cállate, choncha. (Shut up, fatass.)

Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson:
What did you call me?! [Flaca sticks the middle finger at her while other people are shushing at her]

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Hey, what y'all playing?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Nothing.

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
A game as old as time.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Oh yeah? What's it called?

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
Exclusion.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Cool. How d'you play it?

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
I was arrogant. It's a classic story of hubris. I'm like Icarus whose wings melted before he could fuck the sun.

Sam Healy:
Behind every strong man is a strong cunt-faced bitch monster.

Flaca:
It's like getting into a bath but the water is like warm chocolate pudding. And the Smiths are playing 'There is a Light that Never Goes Out'. There's warm lighting all over and there are like five dudes massaging you.

Maritza:
And you have a pizza.

Flaca:
She's right. And you also have a pizza.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton, then y'all must be some sister-wife, tweaker, Slurpee-drinking, fourth-grade reading level, daddy-on-Cops trailer trash nothing.

Polly Harper:
You show up at my house like fucking Squiggy with a hard-on. Maybe next time you decide some deranged declaration of love to an emotional zombie with a blocked milk duct and a husband who recently purchased an Aleutian hunting spear, you could consider calling first?

Larry Bloom:
Okay, look, Polly, I'm spiraling out okay? I am. I, I , I... You know, you have this idea of what your life is...

Polly Harper:
No, I can't do this, Larry!

Larry Bloom:
Okay.

Polly Harper:
I'm serious. It's just stupid.

Larry Bloom:
I know.

Polly Harper:
I mean, yes we were friends before we even started dating Pete and Piper. And yes, you drove me to the hospital when I was in labor and handled all the paperwork and the nurses. And yes, you were the only one there for me when my husband checked out of fatherhood so he could go on a month-long mission of self-exploration, and you're funny, but also boring in all the right ways, and... What the hell am I saying? Just fuck me.

Sam Healy:
The doctor recommends a bilateral salpingo-oopherectomy.

Miss Rosa:
Who doesn't love a surgery with 'ooph' in it?

Miss Rosa:
I always pictured myself going out in a blaze of glory. Hail of gunfire, screech of tires. But this kind of death, this slow, invisible disappearing into nothing, it's terrifying.

Sophia Burset:
My father had a lung transplant that didn't take. We hadn't spoken since I transitioned. He was a real hard-ass. But in the end, he started asking for me. He even used my new name, Sophia. People get soft, you know, when they dying. If I could've seen him, I don't know...may have felt like closure. But we don't get a lot of that in this life now, do we?

Piper Chapman:
Yes, I am white! We have established that. And I got furlough, too. I guess white privilege wins again. And as a speaker for the entire white race, I would like to say I am sorry that you guys got the raw deal, but I love my fucking grandmother. And, yeah yeah, she may be a whitey, too but she's a fucking person and she's sick and she needs me! So shut the fuck up! It's not my problem.

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
You know, another layer of icing on a shit cake doesn't make it taste good.

Piper Chapman:
Larry, when was the last time you got to cum in a real live vagina instead of your hand?

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
MENDEZ IS BACK, BITCHES!

Lorna Morello:
Do you hate me?

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
No, I don't hate you. Well, it is getting clearer every second that you're totally bat-shit crazy, but you're a beautiful, sweet girl. Fuck this guy. So many people are gonna love you.

Lorna Morello:
No. No, nobody's gonna love me.

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
I do.

Yvonne "Vee" Parker:
A tunnel, Red? That is so Bugs Bunny.

Joe Caputo:
You ever seen an image that sears itself into your brain? Like the movie about the hiker guy, where he cuts off his own arm with a Swiss Army knife? Yeah, the sound, the tendons! Fuck! I wish I never watched that part. You know what tops that for me? You know what image I can't unsee, it's still stuck in there, flickering at least once a day, making me want to lose my lunch?

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
No, sir.

Joe Caputo:
Your bare ass, Mendez. Your pimply, white ass, bouncing up and down between the brooms and the mops, ramming into that poor girl. A girl you were supposed to protect and keep safe. Your ass, it haunts me.

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Joe Caputo:
I've been doing this kind of work 25 years. And it's guys like you that give the whole profession a bad name. If it was up to me, you'd never set foot on this property again. But considering the DOC didn't press charges, it was your word against mine... until now.

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
Well, I've been doing my job, sir. Just gave out 15 shots this morning.

Joe Caputo:
You got her pregnant.

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
No.

Joe Caputo:
Sadly for her, yes. That poor girl is carrying around a sadistic little mustachioed shit inside her.

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
Whoa.

Joe Caputo:
Mendez, you're fucking fired.

Joe Caputo:
Mmm, this shameful sexual violation is really working out for you, isn't it?

Natalie "Fig" Figueroa:
I am just happy that we have helped to start a dialogue.

Poussey Washington:
Let me ask you something. You come back to prison on accident or 'cause outside you're too weak for anybody to take serious? What, you got some kids think you hot shit? Big deal. You're like a pedophile without the sex. Bet the real players laugh in your face. Bet you let 'em fuck you for free, too.

Poussey Washington:
[to Healy] Did it ever occur to you that we don't wanna get in touch with our feelings? That actually feeling our feelings might make it impossible to survive in here?

Piper Chapman:
I'm talking about Alex. She should be under witness protection.

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
What do you care? I mean, didn't she screw you over in Chicago? Oh, that's right. That's kind of how you two relate, isn't it? It's like Spy vs. Spy, but sexual.

Father Lane:
Are you not happy being a nun?

Sister Jane Ingalls:
No! I love being a nun. If I seem prideful, it's only because I love the work I do and because I'm really good at it.

Father Lane:
By your own estimation. There is a page in your book I'd like to read for you. "I have never heard Christ clearly in my heart. Either my heart's hard of hearing, or Christ can be a bit of a mumbler, and so I've learned to trust in my own moral instincts".

Sister Jane Ingalls:
It's a joke. I'm comparing my marriage to Christ to a typical marriage.

Father Lane:
"But it wasn't my moral instincts that led me to Nicaragua in the summer of '88. It was a young freedom fighter named Carlos.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
Okay -

Father Lane:
"With rock-hard abs under his jungle fatigues, Carlos was revolutionary in more ways than one and overthrowing the Sandinistas was not his only objective" -

Sister Jane Ingalls:
Okay, now, that chapter's there for the mommy book-club crowd. They need a little beefcake with their politics!

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
You want to assassinate someone, vision is a basic requirement. It's like step one, pick a person to kill. Step two, kill that person!

Freida:
We tell her it's a warning shot. Don't fuck with Red.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Or a 79 year old woman will shank someone you never met.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
No offense, but, uh, men being in charge has never done me any good.

Sam Healy:
Well, are you eating free cookies?

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Yes.

Sam Healy:
You should think about that before you get ideas.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
How's this whole "agenda" thing work?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
I got a lot of those. Specify.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
The gay agenda to take over the world?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Okay. First of all, keep your voice down. This shit is top secret.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Are you gonna let all the men die out?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Oh, fuck, no, we need slaves. You know, bookkeeping, janitorial, fetch and carry, that kind of shit.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Yeah, what about for sex? 'Cause I know I like how they smell kind of funky and they're big and they have dicks and all that.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Well, maybe, but when you're done, you gotta toss 'em away like trash. I mean, the whole point of this is chicks digging each other and being in charge.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Let's say I wanna join, right?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Okay, let's say that. Shh.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Would I have to do anything disgusting against the word of God? You know? I'm talking about eating pussy, if you catch my drift.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Yeah, I hear you. And that is a big part of it, I'm not gonna lie. But since you have these religious convictions, eh, we can probably give you an exemption. I mean, we're not unreasonable.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
This place is getting to me.

Yvonne "Vee" Parker:
Oh, yeah. You just tried to strangle me with plastic wrap so that you can sell mascara in jail.

Nicole "Nicky" Nichols:
[to Piper] You know, 'cause if it really is to stay here in this shithole so you can get occasional visits from your demented girlfriend, I mean, then, man, it sounds like you're living the dream. But if you want my advice, then get out of your own goddamn drama for a minute, you know? And, maybe, spend some of that energy praying that your roommate makes it out of medical with all her brain cells intact.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
[to Brook] You know, I can take care of myself, Ching Chong China doll!

Leanne Taylor:
She's Japanese-Scottish, you ignorant dumbass.

Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren:
I am not crazy. I am unique.

Sam Healy:
You know what you get when you try around here? Not much.

Yvonne "Vee" Parker:
You break my heart.

Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson:
Might be true...if you had one.

Miss Rosa:
[after killing Vee] Always so rude, that one.