Parenthood

Frank:
Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?

Gil:
It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.

Frank:
Well, which one did I punch the band leader?

Gil:
That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.

[Susan laughs]

Frank:
Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.

Gil:
[sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.

Taylor:
Mommy what was that?

Karen:
That was an electrical ear cleaner.

Taylor:
It was kinda big.

Grandma:
It sure was.

Julie:
He said that he loved me.

Helen:
Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.

Gil's nightmarish vision. University is on lockdown and covered by squad cars. People are screaming and an elderly Gil tries to reason with Kevin

College Student #1:
Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!

Dean at College:
It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!

College Student #2:
What is he yelling?

Kevin, Age 21:
YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!

Gil:
[through bullhorn] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.

[Kevin opens fire and shoots bullhorn out of Gil's hands]

Gil:
Nice shot son!

[Police try to get Gil to safety, but Gil rebuffs them]]

Gil:
[police] It's important to be supportive. [to Kevin] Come on let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea - "

[Gil's ideal vision. Kevin has graduated from university and is the class valedictorian]

Kevin, Age 21:
All of this I have one thing to credit; when I was a kid and my father made me play second base. Thank you, Dad!

[Audience applauds an elderly Gil]

Gil:
Thank you, son!

[after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one]

Susan:
Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked...[sees the sex action on the television]

Grandma:
What channel is this?

Helen:
No Gran, this is a tape.

Grandma:
[to Susan] She needs a man now!

Helen:
Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!

[later]

Grandma:
[to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!

Susan:
Nathan, I need to speak with you for a couple of minutes.

Nathan:
Patty, your mother and I will be gone for two minutes. How many seconds is that?

Patty:
120.

Den

Nathan:
What is it?

[Susan produces flashcards, which Nathan recites]

Flashcard #1:
This is the only way

Flashcard #2:
To reach you, so

Flashcard #3:
I am leaving you

Grandma:
You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil:
Oh?

Grandma:
Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!

Gil:
What a great story.

Grandma:
I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

[Kevin's birthday. A stripper comes to Buckman residence]

Stripper:
So what is the name of the birthday boy? I will paint his name on my breasts.

Karen:
What in the world?

Gil:
We did not order any stripper! We hired Cowboy Dan.

Stripper:
Is that so, let me call my boss.

Stripper uses phone to call boss, then hangs up

Stripper:
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My boss screwed up our assignments. I was supposed to do that birthday party at the Army base, but my boss sent Cowboy Dan there.

Karen:
Then have him come here.

Stripper:
There's a problem, you see, the soldiers got the wrong idea and beat up Cowboy Dan really good. He is in the hospital.

Kevin:
Cowboy Dan is not here? All the kids will hate me!

Gil:
Kevin, pull yourself together! A cowboy is coming.