Parks and Recreation, Season 1

Leslie:
What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.

Ron:
I've been quite open about this around the office: I don't want this parks department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.

Man:
Park, huh? Sounds like a really good idea.

Mark:
Great. Would you be willing to come to a town meeting and show your support?

Man:
Absolutely. Now is this park gonna have a playground or maybe a pool for the kids?

Mark:
Oh, how old are your kids?

Man:
No kids.

Tom:
Uh-oh.

April:
I'm gonna put him down as a "yes."

Mark:
Don't do that.

Man:
Also, is the park gonna be at least a thousand feet from my house? Because, y'know, I really can't move again.

Mark:
April, please stand behind me.

Lawrence:
Hey park lady! You suck.

Leslie:
Hear that? He called me park lady.

Leslie:
The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises - not even 10% - when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular...

Ron:
Tommy boy. Lemme tell you something, Tom: you suck at Scrabble.

Tom:
I know. You're destroying me.

Ron:
You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. [looks at camera] And she's a bitch.

Tom:
Look out, man, I'm gonna get you one of these days. I'm practicing.

Ron:
Yeah, I doubt that. [looks at camera] Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.

Tom:
When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your power. Have I ever given into that temptation? No. Never. I'm not that kind of politician.

[cut to Tom cutting in front of the line at a hot dog cart]

Tom:
Official Parks and Rec business. Just need to grab a quick hot dog. [turns to girl behind him] Sorry about that, little girl. You can get the next one.

Ron:
My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe...when he desires them.

Leslie:
In a town as old as Pawnee, there's a lot of history in every acre. This wooded area is the site of, um, the murder, actually, of Nathaniel Bixby Mark. He was a pioneer who was killed by a tribe of Wamapoke Indians after he traded them a baby for what is now Indianapolis. They cut his face off...and they made it into a dreamcatcher. And they made his legs into rainsticks. And that's the great thing about indians back then - they used every part of the pioneer.

Ann:
Am I the only [beep]ing person here who doesn't know Jeanine Restrepo?

Andy:
The band has had a few different names over the years. When we started, we were Teddy Bear Suicide, but then we changed it to Mouse Rat. Then we were God Hates Figs, Department of Homeland Obscurity, Flames for Flames, Muscle Confusion, Nothing Rhymes With Orange, then Everything Rhymes With Orange, Punch Face Champions, Rad Wagon, Puppy Pendulum, Possum Pendulum, Penis Pendulum, Handrail Suicide, Angel Snack, Just the Tip, Threeskin... [long pause] Oh, Jet Black Pope. We went back to Mouse Rat, and now we are Scarecrow Boat. God, when I hear myself say Scarecrow Boat out loud I kinda hate it...

[Mark goes up to Ron]

Mark:
Hey Parks Department.

Ron:
Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.

Beth:
Nice to meet you.

Mark:
Nice to meet you. You guys are together?

Ron:
Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale.

Beth:
Tammy stinks.

[Mark goes up to Tom]

Tom:
Brendanawicz!

Mark:
Hey Tom.

Tom:
Hey, I want you to meet my wife.

Wendy:
Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.

Mark:
[shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife?

Wendy:
Don't hold it against me.

Tom:
Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She makes a ton of money! BAM!

[Mark goes up to April]

April:
This is Derek.

Mark:
Cool. How long you guys been dating?

April:
We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.

Mark:
If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.

April:
I don't want to talk to you.