Queer as Folk, Season 2

Ted:
Him.

Emmett:
Who?

Ted:
Over there. The red and blue shirt, black hair, big button eyes, cute little turned up nose.

Emmett:
Oh, he's adorable!

Ted:
He's hot.

Emmett:
He's uh...

Both:
Michael?!

Michael:
Hey Todd, how's it going?

Todd:
Fine.

Brian:
I'm the most fabulous fag in Pittsburgh. That is, if it's possible to be fabulous in Pittsburgh.

Emmett:
[unlocks and opens the door to his apartment] Well, here we are. Home Sweet Dump.

Nurse:
Drugs can't fix everything.

Brian:
Where did you hear that?

Brian:
Who made up the fucking rule that you can't smoke in a hospital?

[Woman walks by and checks out Ted]

Melanie:
Too bad you're not straight... [second woman checks out Ted] you could really score big time.

Emmett:
It's hard to believe but in this parallel universe you're actually hot.

Ted:
Woohoo, lucky me.

Emmett:
Pink champagne? Yeah, um, yeah, that's too Nelly even for me!

Melanie:
[At Lindsay's sister's wedding] What did she think we were going to do? Perform cunnilingus on top of the wedding cake?

Brian:
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, proof positive that making other people happy can cause nausea, severe cramps, even diarrhea.

Mikey:
Got any TUMS?

Brian:
Know what TUMS is spelled backwards?

Both:
SMUT!

Melanie:
I was just saying, I bet you're really looking forward to that Honeymoon. Where were you off to this time?

Lynette:
Borneo.

Ted:
Don't they have a lot of pigs there?

Justin:
They say I may never draw again.

Brian:
Yeah, well, they're always telling people they'll never walk again, or draw again, or piss again, so that when you finally do you'll think they're geniuses and they can charge you whatever the fuck they want.

Brian:
Yeah well I can remember. I can remember everything. I saw him... he was coming after you with a bat. But he was moving too fast and you were too far away... I ran... but there was no time to stop him. And then he swung but it was too late. There was nothing I could do. And then you just laid there on the cold cement.

Justin:
It wasn't your fault... it wasn't your fault.

[Brian and Justin hug]

Emmett [to Michael]:
So um... how was your piece of cake?

Michael:
We broke up. It's over. David and I are over.

Michael:
I was going to tell you.

Ted:
When? After you convinced us you found Paradise Lost?

Michael:
When the time was right. But there's never a right time to admit that you failed.

Jennifer:
The day the doctor sent him home from the hospital he'd said that he'd never seen such a determined patient and he asked me what it was that made him work so hard. I knew but I didn't tell him... it was you. Every day that you didn't come to see him was more incentive for him to get better and get out so that he could come see you. Of course, what Justin didn't know and I didn't tell him was that you were there... every night. The nurse on duty told me. I want to thank you for that. But he's home now, safe and sound and there isn't any reason anymore for you to watch over him and so... so I would like you to leave. And never see him again.

Brian:
I care about him.

Jennifer:
It was because of you he was almost killed. Forgive me for being so blunt. I've tried to accept him for who he is. To accept your world and that he's a part of it. I've even tried to accept you. And as a result, I nearly lost him. And I don't intend to lose him again. So if you care about him and I believe you-- I believe you do, you'll do what I ask and return my son to me.

Emmett:
God, I want his ass.

Ted:
Who doesn't?

Emmett:
No, I mean I really want his ass. Instead of this tired old thing.

Brian [referring to Gus's first birthday]:
It seems like only yesterday I was jacking off into that cup.

Vic:
We faggots are a talented bunch. You gotta hand us that.

Debbie:
Indestructible, too.

[Brian opens the door to let his trick out and Jennifer is standing there]

Jennifer:
I came at the wrong time.

Brian:
You two have a lot in common.

Brian:
What would you like me to do?

Jennifer:
Touch him. Help him be touched.

Brian:
You want me to fuck him?

Jennifer:
Well-- uh-- you're the one he trusts. If that's what it takes.

Justin:
[after Brian doesn't reply to why he's letting Justin stay with him] I know why. It's because you love me, madly, passionately, deeply. Just like I always suspected.

Brian:
[to Justin] What are you doing all the way over there? Come closer. Do you want to take off some of the clothes? You might get overheated.

Shrink at Woody's:
You know for someone who has enough disorders to merit your own classification in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, you are one of the most well-adjusted and high-functioning bastards I know.

Michael:
It was awful. All those dirty minded old man staring at me and pinching my ass.

Emmett:
It was fabulous. All those dirty minded old man staring at me, pinching my ass.

Emmett:
All right boys. I'm off to buff in the buff!

Justin:
You kissed me? In front of everybody?

Brian:
Yeah. You should have been there.

Brian:
[to Justin] And then you turned around, and... smiled. Then I knew why Debbie calls you Sunshine.

Justin:
I wish I could remember.

Brian:
I wish I could forget.

Michael:
I'm right back in the same place I was before and everybody else has moved on. I feel lost, Ma.

Debbie:
Oh, baby. You're not lost. You're just full of shit. [slaps Michael] You're only lost if you're alone. You are surrounded by people who love you. You'll find your way.

Melanie:
Lindsay Peterson, will you marry me?

Lindsay:
Now you're proposing to me? Well, I'm gonna have to think it over... Yes!

Justin:
I want you inside me.

Brian:
Are you sure?

Justin:
Yeah, just take it easy.

Brian:
Like the first time?

[Talking about Gay as Blazes]

Ted:
These characters have principles. When you have principles, you don't need orgasms.

Brian:
You have principles when you don't have orgasms.

Ted:
Even you have to admit, it's important that the straight world sees realistic portrayals of us.

Brian:
You call that realistic? And who gives a flying fuck what straight people think?

Michael:
They're two uber-passes to Comic-Con. Priority access to all events - a complete comic book overload! One for me and one for you!

Brian:
Whoa, dude! The kids at school will like, puke, they'll be like, so jealous.

[After reading Howard Bellweather's article]

Brian:
I'm suing the mother-fucker!

Michael:
Take it easy, Brian.

Brian:
He said I'm 31! I'm 30.

Justin:
Is that all you care about? He practically called you a child molester.

Brian:
Who should know better than... you?

Michael:
I don't think any of us are in a position to judge considering some of the things that we've done.

Ted:
I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Michael:
I could remind you of a few!

Debbie:
Keep it up, Sunshine! The good work that is.

Debbie:
I know you're uncomfortable hanging out in gay bars with your mother. But look at this way; If you meet somebody nice, you won't have to bring him home to meet me, because I'm already here!

Michael:
God mom, you are such a fag.

Brian:
One step at a time. First, we walk back to my place and then I suck you off.

Justin:
I can do it myself.

Brian:
You can give yourself head?

Brian [to Michael]:
It wasn’t stupid when we used to lock ourselves up in your room and read Captain Astro and Galaxy Lad, wishing we were invincible like them, and pretending that no Earthly force could ever separate us like them, and swearing that we’d always be there for each other, like them.

Emmett:
Be careful, pride is a sin.

Justin:
Then I'm going to Hell!

Brian:
Some people take it to the streets.

Ted:
Other people take it to the sheets.

Vic:
I remember my first march. After the Stonewall Riots - in the stone age - there were no more than 25 of us that first year.

Justin:
That's all?

Vic:
You think coming out's tough now, you should have been around back then.

Michael:
You're not even gay!

Debbie:
Yeah, well I'm the next best thing.

Brian:
What he does with his money is his business.

Lindsay:
Except when it hurts us. Then it's our business.

Chris Hobbs:
Got AIDS?

Justin:
No.

Chris Hobbs:
You will. Sooner or later. All you fags end up here.

Brian:
Theodore Schmidt, you sex pig you, I didn't know you had it in you.

Ted:
Oh I had it in me all right.

Emmett [quoting Godiva]:
It takes more courage to wear a dress for a day than it does to wear a suit for a lifetime.

Jennifer:
I'm proud of you Justin.

Justin:
Proud of you too, mom.

Brian:
I'll be glad when Pride's over so we can all go back to being ashamed.

Brian:
Where you going?

Justin:
I'm leaving you to your wicked ways! Go find a stud and ask him to dance. [Starts to leave]

Brian:
[follows Justin and grabs his shoulder] Hey stud, want to dance?

Brian:
[to Justin] I promise you won't forget this one.

Brian:
Dreaming's for people who like to sleep. I'd rather be awake and fucking.

Ted:
If you really want to help, grab a nipple and squeeze.

Debbie:
So what would make you happy? (Michael looks around)

Brian:
Should we hum the theme from Jeopardy?

Emmett:
[talking about Ted] Guys, he is in deep shit trouble. We need to have an intervention.

Debbie:
Booze?

Brian:
Crystal?

Emmett:
Whipping the willy.

Brian:
Schmuck. Couldn't even get a decent addiction.

Michael:
Life sucks, kid! Better know it now than be disappointed later.

Brian:
How's Daphne?

Justin:
She and her roommates had to study. Fortunately, that’s not my problem. I went to Woodies, I let guys buy me drinks, they all wanted to fuck me. At least I still have my looks. But, I told them no; I’m saving it for you.

Brian:
Aren't you a sweetheart?

Michael:
So long lover boy.

Melanie:
I think you provide an extremely important service.

Ted:
Preparing your taxes? Yeah, great, when's the last time it made you come?

Melanie:
1998. I got a big refund.

Ted:
Internet access? 38 dollars. Adult porn site membership? 29.95.

Michael:
Watching men jerk off in the comfort of your own home? Priceless.

Brian:
Masturbate the possibilities.

Ben:
Excuse me, I'm looking for Wonder Woman.

Debbie:
You found her!

Dean Ryerson:
We expect our students to master the traditional disciplines.

Justin:
Sometimes the traditional disciplines can be handicapped, too.

Brian:
[after Debbie, Mel and Lindsey have all kissed Justin] With all this kissing, you're going to turn him straight! [Brian kisses Justin.]

Debbie:
Oh, my God! They're gonna do it right here! [Justin and Brian go upstairs] Holy crap! They're like fucking newlyweds!

Mel:
I never thought I'd live to see the day!

Lindsay:
I think it's wonderful!

Ben:
I teach Gay Studies at Carnegie Mellon.

Michael:
I knew it!

Ben:
You knew what?

Michael:
Well with all that talk about cultural references, I knew you had to be.... a professor.

Michael:
I haven't a clue what homo eroticism in literature means, I just know that the Flash looks good in tights. Um, you see, I started reading the Flash and Superman and Captain America when I was just a kid, um, at first because it was fun. I liked the stories and I liked the pictures and it was a great escape from all the shit that - sorry - the stuff, that was bugging me. And my mom didn't want me to read them. But later on when I realized that I was... later on when I realized that I was gay, I read them for a different reason. Because in ways that maybe nobody intended, these superheros were a lot like me. At work they were meek and unappreciated and they're the guys that never get laid and uh, when they're around other people they can't let anyone get too close because they're afraid that their true identities will be discovered. Yet with all of the villains and the monster and the evil forces that are trying to destroy them, somehow, they survive. Even the one thing that can kill Superman, the one thing which he has no immunity, Kryptonite, ultimately you know that he'll survive that and he'll go on to save the world. I believe the same about us. That's what the comics have shown me. That despite everything, we'll survive. And we'll win. But, back to the guys in the tights.

Debbie:
[about Justin] You think you've got everybody fooled, don't you? Well, not me, honey. I’ve known you too long and regrettably too well. And no matter how hard you try to deny it, I can tell you care as much about him as he cares about you, only you haven’t got the big hairy cojones to say it.

Brian:
Maybe I could borrow yours?

Debbie:
Whatever it takes... to admit that you love him. And I know that you do, despite all your efforts to never let another heart touch yours. And that’s assuming, of course, you have one. That little persistent kid has somehow gotten in under the wire. And that’s what’s happened, huh? Now admit the truth. You love him, don’t you? [Brian looks at her, then looks away.] I thought so. Then tell him! Tell him what you could never say to Michael.

Brian:
You were right. The reason I took you in was because you took a bat to the head. But it’s not the reason I want you to stay. But don’t get the idea that we’re some married couple, because we’re not. We’re not like fucking straight people, we’re not like your parents and we’re not a pair of dykes marching down the aisle in matching Vera Wang's. We’re queers, and if we’re together it’s because we want to be, not because there’s locks on our doors. So if I’m not in, assume I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing: I’m fucking. And when I come home, I’ll also be doing exactly what I want to do: coming home to you.

Justin:
Okay. I want some things, too. You can fuck whoever you want, as long as it’s not twice. Same for me. And no names or numbers exchanged. And no matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, you always come home by 2.

Brian:
4.

Justin:
3. And one more thing. You don’t kiss anyone on the mouth but me. [They kiss.]

Michael:
[reading the personalized dedication in the book Ben gave him]To Michael, beneath whose mild-mannered appearance beats the heart of a superhero... Ben.

[Michael and Ben are kissing, Michael is undoing Ben's pants]

Ben:
wait... Michael...

Michael:
What for?

Ben:
I just want you to know that... I'm HIV positive.

Debbie:
I'm so proud of you, Michael, you've turned out to be quite a man... chew your food.

Michael:
I knew how to put a condom on a cucumber before I knew how to drive!

Ben:
Yeah, well, I was gonna ask you out tonight, but now I'm not so sure.

Michael:
Why not?

Ben:
A cucumber is a lot to live up to.

Michael:
Emmett's a star.

Brian:
His dick's a star. He's just the life support system.

Michael:
Careful, he'll get a swelled head.

Ted:
Save it for the website!

Lindsay:
You helped Lynette with her wedding.

Lindsay's Mother:
That's different.

Lindsay:
Why is it different?

Lindsay's Mother:
Because her wedding was real. Yours is... well, I don't know what yours is.

Brian:
Let me see your wrist. That's a stunning watch you're wearing.

Emmett:
I'm not wearing a watch.

Brian:
Wow, Emmett, you're really observant. He's [Ted's] got a Rolex.

Michael:
I should warn you, my friends can be a little...

Ben:
Judgemental? Bitches? Condescending?

Michael:
You've met them.

Ted:
What happens if a condom breaks, or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?

Brian:
Or if he shoots his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ass?

Brian:
Is that a pimple on your ass?

Brian:
[to Justin] I want you safe. I want you around for a long time.

Leda:
Hi, I'm Leda.

Brian:
Melanie's evil ex.

Leda:
And you must be the antichrist. Big fan.

Leda:
Ever been fucked by a dyke with a dildo?

Brian:
Is that an offer?

Michael:
[about Debbie] She actually said she wished I wasn't gay!

Brian:
Well, I'll always be glad that you're a big fat queer. [They kiss.] You know, she's right. You should forget Ben.

Michael:
What the fuck do you know?

Brian:
Let's see... I know advertising, and... you.

Brian:
Handle it, kiss it, jerk it off, just don't fall in love with it.

Melanie [to Lindsay's parents]:
Look, I know what you think about me. I'm the slick Jew lawyer come to shake you down for a few shackles. The dyke who corrupted your daughter. Well, you're wrong. I'm Lindsay's loving partner and Gus's adoring mother. And I know that I will never cause him the pain that you've caused her. He'll never have to wonder whether or not I love him.

Emmett:
I can honestly say that there is not one thing hear I'd put in my mouth.

Ted:
That's a first.

Emmett:
Excuse me?

Ted:
This food's the worst.

Michael:
He wanted to diaper me.

Ted:
Aw, poor baby.

Michael:
The next guy that walks through that door is the man I'm gonna live with for the rest of my life.

[Emmett walks in]

Emmett:
Oh, Michael, there you are. Rent cheque's due today, sweetie.

Justin:
I'm not going to that hetero-hop with a bunch of beer-chugging breeders!

Debbie:
Real love when it comes doesn't look like anything you'd expect.

Emmett:
[to himself] Well, in a modern re-telling, coach would be a limo, footmen would be the driver and Cinderella would, of course, be a fag rather than a woman, since no self-respecting woman would let herself be enticed into a strange man's home with jewelry, a limo, champagne and caviar!

Justin [to Brian]:
I have friends my own age. You're my age... emotionally.

Brian [to Justin]:
I just want you to enjoy your youth... I certainly have.

Justin [waking up]:
What time is it?

Brian:
It's time to take care of your morning hard-on, although it's after noon.

Michael:
Sex is different for men than it is for women... the need is more immediate, more intense, at least that's what I've read.

Lindsay:
Where, in Field and Stream?

Melanie:
Just for your information, Lindsay and I fuck like crazy, we pant and drool like a couple of bitches in heat. Our pussies soak the sheets.

Lindsay:
And we go at it a lot longer than the 10 minute tumble you guy's call sex.

Melanie:
And you don't even wanna know how many times we get off in a night.

Michael:
You're right, I don't.

Brian:
Some guys are into prime-aged cock.

Ted:
Better hope Justin is.

Michael:
[talking about the ideal boyfriend and not realizing that he is describing Ben] He's got to be passionate about life. He's worked hard to survive it, yet he's maintained his humor. He's charming and kind and he does something creative, maybe a writer. He's into spiritual stuff, like Buddha. And he focuses on living in the now, 'cause there's no time to waste... And when I'm with him, I feel like a better person.

Ted:
You did the right thing, the guy's positive!

Emmett:
Positively yummy!

Brian:
If you want Ben back, go fucking get him.

Michael:
Okay, I don't know anything about basketball. In case you haven't noticed, I'm queer.

Ben:
Yeah I love basketball and in case you haven't noticed, I'm queer too.

Michael:
Oh, I've noticed.

Basketball Player:
[talking about Michael not giving back the ball until Ben agrees to go on a date with him] I suggest you say yes, 'cause if he's like the bitch I got at home, we're gonna be standing here all day.

Ben:
Are you out of your mind?

Michael:
You've met my mother, do you really need to ask that?

Brian:
Jesus, I told him to lay off the Slim Fast.

Brian's mother:
[In a church] Wait 'til you see our new minister. I can't tell you what a comfort he's been to me since your father died. He calls, he visits, he makes sure I'm all right. He's been like a son.

Brian:
Well, for his sake I sure hope you don't treat him like one.

Brian:
Great service.

Reverend Butterfield:
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Brian:
I meant at the baths.

Ted:
I took Viagra last night! It's been 18 hours and it won't go down! What am I gonna do?

Emmett:
Have you tried soaking it?

Lindsay:
How about a cold shower?

Brian:
How about scaring it?

Justin:
That's hiccups...

Brian:
Boo!

Ted:
Thank you all for caring.

Melanie:
What about something that would absolutely turn you off?

Brian:
That's a great idea, why don't you two show him your tits?

Melanie and Lindsay:
Brian!

Justin:
[about himself and Brian] Our sex life isn't what it used to be: we're down to, like, four times a day!

Brian's mom:
I'm sorry, am I disturbing you? I was gonna leave this [cake] here by the door with a note but then I thought as long as I'm here...

Brian:
… I might as well bang on his door a million times and drive him nuts until he answers.

Joan Kinney:
I hope you know it's a sin.

Brian:
That I fuck guys or that I didn't tell you?

Joan:
You make all the jokes you want. The Bible makes it clear. You're going to Hell.

Ted:
Well, don't worry, God still loves you... no matter what.

Brian:
Yeah like I give a shit what God thinks about me. He better be worried about what I think about him.

Michael:
How do you figure that?

Brian:
In all this cold dead universe, we're the only one's that know he exists. Without us... he's nothing.

Joan:
I always include you in my prayers.

Brian:
What a pal.

Joan:
I hope you've come to ask forgiveness.

Brian:
Not exactly.

Joan:
It's the only salvation there is.

Brian:
What about the Salvation Army?

Ted [rejoicing]:
I'm soft... you made my dick soft!

Leda:
Girls, girls! We may be dykes but we are still ladies.

[Michael is upset that Captain Astro has died]

Ted:
Better to join the living. Have a drink.

Justin:
Have a bump.

Brian:
Have a boy.

George:
From what Emmett tells me, you're the love child of James Dean and Ayn Rand.

Brian:
George, can I buy you a drink?

Emmett:
OK, let me get this straight. Radames, the noble Egyptian warrior, could marry the Pharaoh's daughter and live more than comfortably ever after but instead he runs off with Aida, the slave-girl who happens to weigh like 200 pounds?

George:
You're not supposed to notice that.

Emmett:
How can I not notice?! Her name should be Aidalot ("I-eat-a-lot").

Emmett:
I'm the demon dick of dot com.

Brian:
The first time you came here you didn't know anything about me. I could have done anything to you.

Justin:
I was pretty sure you were going to fuck me.

Brian:
I just dropped by to let you know that I'm not gonna be at the wedding. I'm going to the White Party in Miami instead. Later!

Lindsey:
You can't ditch my special day!

Mel:
You selfish prick!

Brian:
As usual, objectivity falls to me. Think - you don't really want me there, do you? I have to be chemically depended just to show up. I'll be drunk, I'll be bored - not to mention better looking than the brides. I'll offend all the dykes, I'll heckle the ceremony, table dance at the reception and inevitably fuck every good looking guy - gay, straight or undecided - in the place. Finally, I'll pass out - naked - bitching about the cheap booze.You'll lose your dignity, your friends and your shirts paying for the damages. Hell, I'm doing you a favor getting out of town.

Mel and Lindsey:
… Have a safe trip.

Ted:
[out of breath] I can't go on. We've walked how far, 100 blocks in 100 hours?

Michael:
Try two blocks in about 11 minutes.

Ted:
Oh. Seems a lot longer when you're shopping for lesbians.

Brian:
Competition: world class. Wardrobe: crucial. Margin for error: zero. So long, Pittsburgh; hello, Miami Vice!

Justin:
I thought your all-expenses-paid fuck-fest was just for the weekend?

Brian:
Each beach party has its own theme and a strict dress code. The White Party: 15,000 horny queers all in white.

Justin:
I'll be busy, too. I have a paper due on Renaissance art...

Brian:
Then there's the muscle beach party...

Justin:
Then there's the laundry and, of course, the wedding...

Brian:
I mustn't forget the Cowboy contest...

Justin:
I have to remember to write to my Grandmother...

Ted:
Look, just take it back.

Michael:
I can't take it back!

Ted:
What store did you buy it at?

Michael:
I didn't get it at a store!

Ted:
Where'd you get it?

Michael:
Off a blanket.

Ted:
A blanket?! You bought Lindsay and Melanie's wedding gift from some street corner Sister?!

Michael:
It's from Chuck, it's a little country next to Chad.

Ted:
Chuck, Chad, they sound like a couple of homo's!

Michael:
It's the perfect gift.

Ted:
Perfectly hideous!

Michael:
It's a work of art!

Ted:
It's a piece of shit!

Michael:
It's symbolic of love and pride!

Ted:
It's symbolic of stupidity and bad taste.

Michael You take that back!

Ted:
I can't! [in a mocking voice] I got it off a blanket!

Michael:
Look, the next time you want to buy a gift, buy it yourself!

Ted:
That's what I was counting on you for.

Michael:
You were too busy bringing joy to the world.

Ted:
That's because I'm a success!

Michael:
You can take your success and shove it... I'm sure you won't have any trouble figuring out where!

Ted:
Yeah, I'll just ask Chuck and Chad!

George:
Anyone who values themselves because of their ass... is an ass.

Brian:
Christ, send in a dyke to do a faggot's work.

Brian:
My pecker's all a-twitter.

Brian:
So you're standing me up to see two dykes tie the knot?

Justin:
Yeah, I guess I am. You're angry?

Brian:
I think you are a selfish heartless asshole... Keep up the good work!

Emmett:
I'm a vulgar girl.

Michael:
What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done with a guy?

Brian:
It's too weird to talk about.

Michael:
Come on, dish!

Brian:
Hm.. Kinky.. Kinky... Well, one night I went to this guys house and... I stayed over.

[talking about Dumpster Boy]

Justin:
What can you do?

Debbie:
I don't know... find out who he was.

Justin:
That's what the police are for.

Debbie:
Those fat fucks!

Brian:
[about Garths party] Why would I want to hang out with a bunch of arrogant, self-important assholes?

Ted:
'cause you fit right in?

Brian:
You know he's like a German train? He always comes in on time.

Jennifer:
Christ! Doesn't anyone introduce themselves before the fuck?! … Sorry.

Ben:
Were they lovers?

Ted:
Would have been better if they had been. Then Brian could have broken his heart and Michael could have gotten over him.

Emmett:
Instead of always wondering what it would have been like.

Emmett:
What kind of homosexual are you?!

Brian:
The kind that fucks men...

Jennifer:
He [Justin's Dad] says he won't pay for your school anymore.

Justin:
That lame-ass shit! What's his feeble excuse?

Jennifer:
The stock market and supporting 2 households... basically 'cos he's a lame-ass shit.

Brian:
I can't believe Deb dated a drag queen, how'd they tell each other apart?

Justin:
I have a great ass and I'm blonde. You have no idea how far that gets me.

Lindsay:
I want you to be my husband.

Brian:
You already have one.

Melanie:
I told you, he's a total hetero-probe!

Justin:
It's true; he is.

Brian:
It's true; I am.

Lindsay:
Promise me you'll behave.

Brian:
I won't mention dick if you don't mention pussy.

Brian:
There's no predicting... oops, I said dick, didn't I?

Divina Devore:
The truth is what you choose to believe.

George:
Don't be such a sissy.

Emmett:
Any other impossible requests?

Ted:
I want to go to Berlin, Amsterdam, Prague...

Ben:
Great art, great history...

Ted:
Great men.

Debbie:
[about Carl Horvath coming to the diner] So, what are you doing here?

Carl Horvath:
It's a diner, isn't it? It's lunchtime, isn't it?

Debbie:
It's a little early, isn't it? [taking Horvath's order] What will it be?

Carl Horvath:
Uhm.. A meatloaf sandwich, a side of fries and how about you and me going out tomorrow night?

Debbie:
Yeah, that last item isn't on the menu.

Debbie:
He's not my type.

Vic:
He's alive and he's got a dick. What more do you need?

Brian:
Maybe we can hang it.

Justin:
Really?

Brian:
Then you can tell everybody you're hung.

Justin:
I already do.

Brian:
I'll give you 5000 dollars.

Justin:
What for?

Brian:
The drawing.

Justin:
It's not for sale.

Brian:
No... just you.

Brian:
The reason you don't have a boyfriend is because you don't want one.

Ted:
I don't?

Brian:
If you had one it would challenge the well established opinion you have of yourself as a worthless sac of shit that nobody wants; therefore, you go after guys you know will reject you and you stand around here and bitch like a high school girl, when in fact you got exactly what you want, mainly, nothing.

Ted:
Thank you Doctor Kinney, you've saved me years of therapy, not to mention several thousand dollars.

Michael:
She hit me! My mother fucking hit me!

Ted:
She's always hitting you.

Brian:
That's how she shows her affection.

Michael:
I mean for real.

Brian:
Well, what did Mikey do?

Michael:
I don't wanna talk about it..... I told her she was pathetic for dating that fag-hating cop!

Ted:
You know, if she keeps this up we're gonna have to take her honorary queer button away.

Michael:
Where are her values? Her principles?

Brian:
You know how it us when you want cock, they're the first things to go.

[talking to Michael about Debbie dating Horvath]

Brian:
All your life you've been her little man and all of a sudden some big ol' dick pops up, threatens to take her away... you're hurt, you're angry... mad enough to kill.

Ted:
One more word out of you and I'm throwing you out of the car... okay? even if it is yours.

Ted:
[To Brian, when they're being pulled over by the police] Do you have anything on you?

Brian:
Yeah, 16 pounds of cocaine and 24 ounces of heroin.

Ted:
This is no time to be funny!

Brian:
Who's being funny?

Police officer:
Are you aware you were speeding?

Michael:
Oh, that must be why it felt like we were going so fast.

Ted:
Michael!

Police officer:
You were doing 60 in a 35 mile zone.

Michael:
Oh, what do you know, math. Give the officer a jelly doughnut.

Police officer:
Excuse me, sir?

Michael:
Look, don't you have anything useful to do? Like arrest a murderer?

Ted:
Jesus, what the hell are you doing?

Police officer:
Do you have a problem with police officer's sir?

Brian:
Only one's that are boffing his mother.

Michael:
Shut up, asshole.... just give me the goddamn ticket.

Ted:
Aw, now he's done it.

Police officer:
Get out of the car, sir.

Ted:
Now we're gonna get arrested.

Michael:
What now, so you can work me over?

Ted:
Oh, now we're going to jail.

Brian:
[Stumbling out of the car drunk, to a police officer questioning the driver] Officer, I would be more than happy to drive these two gentlemen home...

Ted:
I'm so disappointed.

Michael:
I know, I fucked up!

Ted:
I don't mean that. All the porno flicks I've seen that take place in prison always show these hot criminal types in heavy man-on-man action. Nothing like this.

Homeless Man:
Not exactly what I was hoping for either.

Brian:
I wonder who I have to blow around here to get a triple non-fat latte? [Hunky officer walks in] If you say so.

Justin:
We have an arrangement.

Brian:
Home by 3 or my balls turn into pumpkins.

Brian:
What are you two girls all giggly about? [Looks at the coaster Michael and Justin were drawing on] Okay, no more drugs for you.

Justin:
The stuff we came up with is amazing. It's like we share the same brain!

Brian:
You get it Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, he gets it Tuesday and Thursday?

Brian:
When it comes to measuring wood, I'm an expert.

Brian:
What kind of a dyke are you, you can't even handle a power tool!

Lindsay:
Oh, go away and play with your son!

Melanie:
While you've still got your legs!

Brian:
All work and no dick make Mikey and Sunshine dull boys.

[Michael and Justin stayed home to create their comic book]

Ben:
It's more than just a comic book. There's nothing more sexual than the act of creation... it's the fucking greatest orgasm there is.

Brian:
[To Debbie after being yelled at by Justin and Michael] Give me a minute between rounds, then you can have a go with me.

Debbie:
Article 14 in the Super-Mom-Handbook says no kicking assholes when they're down. They'd take away my halo.

Brian:
I'm not an asshole, I'm just drawn that way.

Debbie:
You're jealous.

Brian:
I don't do jealous, jealous is for lesbians.

Debbie:
Well, then you better start liking pussy.

Justin:
[about Brian] All this time I've been fooling myself... thinking he loves me.

Michael:
He does love you.

Ben:
No luck in the bedroom.

Michael:
That's a first.

Justin:
Isn't that like the most amazing coincidence?

Brian:
That you and Ben and like 17 million other people have the same birthday?

Brian [to Ted when he asks him what he's doing for Justin's birthday]:
It's a fucking birthday. Anybody can get born, even you. The only thing worth celebrating is achievement.

Emmett:
I've tried boys, I've tried booze, I've tried pills, but I am still in the valley of the dolls.

Luke:
So what do you do?

Ted:
I work in computers.

Luke:
Sales, programming?

Ted:
I run my own dot com company.

Luke:
Really... an entrepreneur. So what kind of company is it?

Ted:
You know... dealing with people's needs... might call it, relief work.

Luke:
Somehow I knew you'd do something that involved helping others.

Emmett:
Well, boys, you date your saints. I'll stick to the sinners.

Brian:
Didn't your daddy ever teach you how to tie a tie?

Justin:
No, he was too busy kicking me out and beating the shit out of you.

Brian:
Well, neither did mine. He was too busy regretting the day I was born.

Lindsay:
I don't understand you.

Brian:
Few do.

Ethan:
The Revel was passable but the Brahms was for shit.

Justin:
I didn't notice.

Ethan:
Well, you should have, it was all your fault.

Ted [to Emmett]:
You put the gay back in geisha.

Brian:
You want too much. You expect too much. And then when your hero disappoints your poor little heart gets crushed.

Michael:
So what's the alternative? To expect nothing, to want nothing like you?

Ethan:
I thought you were the maintenance guy. There's no heat.

Justin:
Sorry.

Ethan:
It's okay. Maybe things will warm up now that you're here.

Michael:
Since when do you smoke?

Ben:
Since I'm nervous, Michael.

Justin:
Why don't you just admit you don't want to go away with me for the weekend?

Brian:
I don't want to go away with you for the weekend.

Justin:
At least it's out in the open.

Brian:
I want to go away with you for the whole fucking week!

Emmett:
Wow, somebody's on the rag.

Brian:
Or not getting any.

Melanie:
You see how much you get when you have a family to support, a kid to raise, and a major renovation going on under your roof. But, of course you never will because your only responsibility is to your dicks.

Brian:
Which is why I'm smiling and you're not.

Leda:
Your battery isn't dead, it just needs recharging.

Gardner Vance:
Rumor has it that you're gay.

Brian:
The rumor's right. But unless I'm fucking you, it's none of your business.

Michael:
Want to hear my secret fantasy?

Justin:
I don't generally like discussing kink on an empty stomach.

Justin:
I want a boyfriend who only wants to be with me. Who wants to stay home every once in a while. Who at least gets jealous when some other guy is sucking my dick right in front of him.

Michael:
That's not Brian. It never will be.

Brian:
[arriving home, shouting to Justin) Hey sunshine, come congratulate me! Your partner... just made partner!

Melanie:
The truth has as much to do with law as gay men have to do with lesbians.

George:
You always said 'fuck 'em all'. Well to do that you gotta have fuck 'em all money.

Ethan:
She's right, your stuff is the best. So admit it, you're brilliant.

Justin:
I'm brilliant.

Nurse:
I'm getting the doctor.

Michael:
While you're at it why don't you get a brain!

Justin:
No matter how shitty things get, I always have art. It's the one place I can go I'll always be safe.

Ethan:
I want to be with somebody who only wants to be with me.

Brian:
Are you listening?

Michael:
[In tears] I'm listening.

Brian:
The night Justin was bashed, and I called you and you were about to get on a plane, and you came here and you sat with me for three days, waiting to see if he was gonna live or die; if it hadn't of been for you I never would have made it. It was because of you. You're strong enough for both of us. And you're gonna be strong for Ben.

Emmett [to the Sickle lawyers]:
I told you, I never wanted a penny from him. You can take everything. Every cent. But the one thing I won't let you take is what George and I shared. That's mine. And you can't have it.

Michael:
[To Ted] How do get any work done with all these hot, horny guys around you?

Brian:
Yeah, if it were me I would have a permanent boner.

Michael:
Thought you already did.

[Justin is in the shower and Brian steps in]

Justin:
You scared me.

Brian:
Relax. It's not that kind of a shower scene.

Melanie:
We just need to be honest with her.

Lindsay:
Okay. You do it.

Melanie:
Me, what about you? You were there, too.

Lindsay:
I know but you're much better at rejecting people than I am.

Melanie:
Excuse me?

Lindsay:
I meant that in the highest form of praise.

Ethan:
Do you like french films?

Justin:
I've never been.

Ethan:
Never been? Peasant!

Justin:
It's hard enough loving one person.

Ethan:
But if you're the one that the other two are in love with, you can break both their hearts.

Ted:
The unthinkable has happened.

Brian:
Ted Schmidt woke one morning from fitful dreams to find himself transformed in his bed into a giant vagina.

Ted:
I'm immune...

Brian:
To penicillin? To clever literary references?

Ted:
To porn!

Justin:
Brian already is perfect.

Michael:
Glad you think so.

Brian:
Hey what size does this come in?

Emmett:
Twink, stud, and bear.

Brian:
I'll take a... stud?

Ted:
I'll take two!

[Ted is trying to join a threesome]

Ted:
You guys are slippery!

Emmett:
Y'know something Ted Schmidt? I love you. [Kisses him]

Michael:
Don't you guys tell each other where you're going or what you're doing?... I'm just asking!

Brian:
It's not a psych ward! You don't have to sign out, call in and report our whereabouts, we've even stopped wearing those homing devices.

Michael:
What if... there was someone else? Someone that he was seeing that you didn't know about?

Brian:
What if there was?

Michael:
You'd be okay with that too?

Brian:
He doesn't owe me anything.

Michael:
What about the truth?

Debbie:
[To Lindsay after she didn't get a strike] It's not your fault honey. He [Horvath] deliberately threw you off by making that noise.

Carl Horvath:
What noise?

Debbie:
That thing you do with your throat.

Carl Horath:
It's called breathing.

Debbie:
Well, knock it off.

Emmett:
I think I sprained my wrist! See how it's hanging there all limp like that?

Brian:
Doesn't look that much different to me.

Debbie:
To the 'Liberty Balls'!

Vic:
Long may they hang!

Brian [to Justin]:
Take a shower. You stink.

Michael:
[hugs Brian] Love you.

Brian:
Me too. Always have, always will.

Michael:
Ma, would you stop overfeeding him?

Debbie:
He's one of the family now!

Ben:
Yeah, I'm one of the family now!

Michael:
My sincere condolences.

Emmett:
[after Michael says that Ben wants to go to Tibet for six months] What's in Tibet? Nude beach? Circuit party?

Ethan:
He must love you a lot.

Justin:
In his way.

Ethan:
But not in yours.

Ethan:
Hey, excuse me, sir! You uhh... dropped 100 dollars in my case.

Brian:
It says you're starving.

Ethan:
Yeah, well, more like a little hungry.

Emmett:
Tell me, who is it!

Ted:
You.

Emmett:
You who?

Ted:
You you.

Emmett:
Me you?

Ted:
Yes. You you.

Brian:
So how big's his dick?

Justin:
That has nothing to do with it.

Brian:
Since when? You love cock. You love it down your throat. You love it up your ass. You love riding it. And after you cum, you love to fall asleep, still inside you.

Justin:
Cut it out.

Brian:
You're hard. So... don't tell me it doesn't matter.

Justin:
He loves me.

Brian:
Your dreamy eyed school boy.

Justin:
In ways that you can't.

Brian:
In ways that I won't.

Ethan:
At least now I know why you're with him. God, he's beautiful. He must be great in bed.

Justin:
Yeah, he is. It's when we're not in bed that's the problem!

[Talking about Michael]

Justin:
We're not speaking.

Brian:
Creative differences.

Justin:
Actually, we're in total agreement. He thinks I'm an asshole and I think he's one.

Brian:
If you want your comic book to be a success, you should put your personal feelings aside. Don't piss on your achievement.

Emmett:
You're so funny... and those... big puppy dog eyes, just dive right in. And... your lips are... are so uh, so... [kisses Ted]

Michael:
[after Ben says that he's not going to Tibet] But you said it's what you need.

Ben:
I've already got what I need... and I don't need to go to Tibet to find it. [They kiss]