Queer as Folk, Season 5

Michael:
You know what amazes me?

Brian:
What, dear?

Michael:
Outside a child is born, a man dies, a couple gets married.

Brian:
The ever-changing kaleidoscope of life.

Michael:
In here... nothing changes. Everything's the same. Same hot guys. Same thumps-thumpa. Same shaved chest.

Brian:
And what a comfort it is to know.

Michael:
But it's all a lie. An illusion. Just cheap theatrics.

Brian:
Nevertheless, let's - keep - dancing.

[Michael and Ben are kissing]

Hunter:
Hey! I thought when you got married you fucked less.

Michael:
(about Ben and his apartment) It's not that bad!

Ben:
Not if you're 24 and want to fuck everything that moves... or Brian.

Ted:
You think I'm fat?!

Brian:
Well, let's put it this way; if you start singing, it's all over.

Ben:
A casserole I made to take along. Millet, leeks and soy cheese.

Emmett:
Are you sure you're not a lesbian?

Brian:
Could you imagine eating pussy, the same pussy, for 10 years?

Michael:
No, but I don't suppose they could fathom sucking the same cock.

Brian:
That makes three of us.

Michael:
Unless it's Justin's.

Emmett:
Most straight men take one good look at me and head for the hills. Except for my father. He ran me out on a rail.

Horvath:
Well, that's his loss. You're a good man.

Emmett [to Horvath]:
You know, if you were gay, you'd make one hell of a bear.

Brian:
I'm a cocksucker! I'm queer! And to anyone who takes pity or offense, I say, judge yourself. This is where I live. This is who I am.

Brian:
I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my erector set.

Emmett:
My parents couldn't afford an erector set. So I decided to play with the one God gave me.

Debbie [to Brian]:
You of all people should know... there's no one more fickle than a fag.

Debbie [to Michael]:
I was a single mother. And guess what? Even without a father you still had enough sense to come in out of the rain... sometimes!

Brian:
[About Gus's toy train] You see the chew-choo go around the tracks, sonny boy? Sure is fun, but after a while it gets monotonous and predictable, and that's when we throw off the shackles of convention and relinquish control, and cause senseless, tragic, DISASTER! [Train falls off the tracks.]

Lindsey:
Brian, what are you doing?

Brian:
Just teaching my son how to have fun...

Brian:
When did you change?

Michael:
What?

Brian:
When did you become this pious sanctimonious judgemental twit?

Michael:
The point is not when did I change, the point is why haven't you?

Emmett:
Just call me 'the Queer Guy'!

Ted:
Isn't that like calling the Pope 'the Catholic guy'?

Justin:
There is one thing Pittsburgh has that Hollywood doesn't.

Justin:
I don't get why everyone left.

Ted:
That's one of the great mysteries of life. How does a bud know when to open? How does a bird know how to fly? Why do queers desert one club for another?

Brian:
[About a sandwich advertisement] How do you like, "When you're hungry for a big cock...!"

Debbie:
What's up his ass?

Ben:
Why don't you find out?

Debbie:
I'll leave that up to you.

Brian:
Sunshine, how did I ever get along without you?

Justin:
You didn't.

Brian:
Fags are no different than people. Tell them they can't have something and it's all they want. And they won't give up until they get it.

Loretta:
They'll be a milkshake and a bowl of chicken soup.

Man:
Why would I want that?

Loretta:
Because the next time you snap your fingers at me the only way you'll be able to suck anything is through a straw!

[at the gym]

Brian:
Why don't you do a little work instead of counting who's had work done?

Ted:
And the point of that would be?

Justin:
To keep your body, mind, and spirit healthy and in shape. Of course, I personally don't need it. I only do this so guys can check out my ass.

Ted:
They hired you because they didn't want some stiff straight guy who looks like he has a poker up his ass.

Brian:
They wanted some gay guy who looked like he had a fist up his ass.

Michael:
Fuck off.

Brian:
Nice to see you too.

Michael [to Debbie]:
I know how hard it was for you, raising me alone... and you did more than make the best of it. You were the best.

Trick:
How long have you guys been together?

Justin:
[Brian and Justin speak at the same time] Four years.

Brian:
Four weeks.

Brian:
The way gay men are obsessed with youth and beauty. An entire subculture convinced that the meaning of happiness is no love handles. How pathetic. How tragic. How profitable.

Justin:
[As Melanie and Lindsey argue] Maybe I better go...

Melanie:
No, we are having tea, goddammit!

Emmett:
Are you sure you should be eating all that?

Ted:
What goes in today gets sucked out tomorrow.

Michael:
I'll make you a deal. I'll come check out your new place if you come check out ours.

Brian:
Just like when we showed each other our dicks.

Brian:
I'll bring a bottle.

Michael:
Red would be nice.

Brian:
I meant poppers.

[Referring to Justin witnessing Melanie and Lindsay fighting]

Lindsay:
I'm just sorry you had to witness our performance.

Justin:
Oh, please. Brian and I have had a couple of Academy Award winner's ourselves.

Justin:
It's amazing.

Brian:
That I've been soaping your crack for the past ten minutes and you haven't asked me to fuck you?

Brian:
I'm not being cynical, I'm being--

Justin [mockingly]:
Realistic.

Brian:
Do you mind if I finish my own sentences? I despise when couples do that.

Justin:
Huh, did you hear that rubby ducky? He said couples. I should quit while I'm ahead.

Brian:
Not before you give me some, Mon Amour.

Justin:
Mon Amour? I love how other people's tragic marital plight makes you romantic.

Brian:
Hard.

Justin:
Christ. What a big boner.

Brian:
All the better--

Justin:
To fuck me with?

Brian:
What did I just warn you about--

Justin:
About finishing each other's sentences.

Monty:
Which one of you is the gardener and which one of you is the chef?

Justin:
I really like cooking.

Brian:
And I love planting my seed in some hole... in the ground.

Brian:
Come on, fellas. Don't tell me that after - how many did you say - 10 years together, you haven't had a little extra-marital ass?

Eli:
Actually, we never have. It's called being in a mature, loving relationship.

Brian:
That's called being dead.

Darryl:
[After harassing his ex] Come on, let's go!

Debbie:
[Bangs bat on counter] [Darryl turns around] What part of fuck off don't you understand?

Darryl:
Who the hell are you?

Debbie:
I'm the one with the baseball bat.

Classmate:
Hey faggot, here's 5 bucks. Why don't you suck me off?

Hunter:
I charge way more than that for asshole's like you.

Ted:
[Dreaming] Sorry, Brian... you can't have me!

Brian:
Hey champ.

Hunter:
Fuck you.

Brian:
It appears being straight doesn't agree with the lad.

Emmett:
Did somebody win a beauty pageant?

Debbie:
Yeah Miss Fat Ass 2005.

Emmett:
You and Carl going at it every night. You don't hold back, do ya?

Debbie:
There's no point doing something if you're gonna do it half-assed.

Debbie:
Listen, Loretta... I can't even imagine diving into a muff.

Doctor:
It looks like you've picked up a case of Syphilis.

Brian:
Syphilis? But that's so 80s... 1880s.

Doctor:
You'll need to lay off the sex for a couple of days.

Brian:
A couple of days?

Doctor:
I realize for you that's the equivalent of the time it took for the creation of the universe, but I have the utmost faith. You'll pull it off.

Brian:
That's pretty much all you've left for me to do.

Callie:
Presto, you're famous.

Hunter:
Yeah, I'm a cock sucking superstar. Except I don't see anyone asking for my autograph.

Brian [to Justin]:
I love your cream sauce.

[Brian told Justin he has Syphilis]

Justin:
I'm surprised it hasn't happened sooner considering where your dick's been.

Brian:
Excuse me but you haven't exactly been a saint yourself. In fact, I might have even gotten it from you.

Lesbian:
You look pretty beat up, babe. Did a man do that to you?

Ted:
Huh?

Lesbian:
Too bad I wasn't around to protect you. But don't you worry, kid. That swelling is gonna go down and when it does, you're going to be just as pretty as ever.

Ted [to Emmett]:
That person... thinks I'm a lesbian.

[Lifting weights]

Brian:
You know, I thought one of the benefits of marriage - besides getting to have sex with the same person for the rest of your natural born life - was being able to let yourself go.

Ben:
I'm sure you'll be pleased to know Michael and I still enjoy looking good for each other.

Brian:
You still look?

Ben:
Not everyone regards marriage and monogamy as a death sentence. For some of us, they're simply a part of growing up.

Brian:
You mean giving up. Surrendering to the straight world's conception of what it means to be a man.

Ben:
Can't be Peter Pan forever.

Brian:
You can try.

Brian:
Well I may not have stopped Michael from becoming one of the step ford fags, but at least I saved Justin from a fate worse than being a heterosexual.

Ben:
And what is that?

Brian:
An imitation heterosexual.

[Hot guy is checking out Brian and walks away]

Ben:
Aren't you going after your prey?

Brian:
I'd love to professor. But, still got another 24 hours until the Syphilis clears up.

[to Hunter's school]

Ben:
Your children lead privileged lives. And you dare to laugh at my son's misfortune.

Hunter:
It's okay, Ben. I'm glad I came here tonight. Because I learned something to. Now I know how your kid's got to be the way they are.

Brian:
Flying solo?

Emmett:
Not everyone's as lucky as you to be in a... non-relationship.

Emmett [to Brian]:
Well this certainly hasn't been your year... dick-wise.

Emmett:
Teddy, no matter what you look like, there will always be one person who is dazzled by your beauty.

Brian:
[practicing] Ted you look fabulous. Ted, you look... Ted, you look fabulous. Ted, you look-

Emmett:
Here he is! Here he is!

[Hot guy walks in]

Brian:
Oh my God, he really does look fabulous.

Michael:
Rather than missing what used to be, I look forward to what's yet to be.

Justin:
What's the topic?

Hunter:
Capital punishment. I'm all for it. I say fry the motherfucker's.

Michael:
Now you see why we're so proud.

Emmett:
I can't tell you how much it warms my heart to know I'm keeping hetero's horny.

Emmett:
These are my fans. They adore me.

Brian:
Because you're so cute. Do you think they'd still adore you if they knew you took it up the ass? And liked it?

Justin:
What's your problem?

Brian:
I have no problem. I am problem less. A problem free zone.

Brian:
I'm not going to their fucking party!

Justin:
Why not?

Brian:
Because I'm going to a fucking party.

Emmett:
How about you, Deb? Do you want me to give you a landing strip?

Debbie:
Thanks, but I prefer to keep the whole airport.

Ben:
Great party, huh? Everybody seemed to have a good time.

Hunter:
Yeah, if you call Melanie and Lindsay declaring a cease-fire, Brian leaving to go to a sex party, and you and Michael sticking that fucking camera in my face pretending we're this happy family having a good time.

Ben:
We're not pretending, we are.

Ben:
You're gonna get through this, I promise.

Hunter:
Fuck your false hope. The world's a stinking shit hole.

Brian:
I don't think you get it.

Justin:
What, that someone rejected you? Got the prime piece of meat, it happens to everyone!

[Ted is imagining Brian and Emmett are there after he has sex with Trent]

Emmett:
Congratulations, stud. That's your third time tonight.

Ted:
Who's keeping score?

Emmett:
I am. Look at him, so smug, so self-satisfied. Now is the perfect time to send him off with his... not-unattractive tail between his legs.

Brian:
What the fuck for? You've got the son of a bitch where you want him, with his ass in the air, and it's not a bad one, I might add.

Emmett:
Don't listen to him! Tell.

Brian:
What the hell does he know? Fuck!

Ted:
Would you get off my back?!

Justin:
I made some decisions.

Brian:
About what?

Justin:
My life.

Justin:
To be a couple both people have to want the same things, to move in the same direction. If they can't, or won't, they really have nowhere to go.

Brian:
Probably not.

Justin:
Then why are we still doing this if we both know it's never going to work?

Brian:
Damned if I know.

Stranger:
You people need Jesus in your lives.

Emmett:
Yeah and you need a good blowjob. That is, if you can find anyone to give you one! And don't look at me!

Ted:
Look at it this way. You'll always have something to remember me by.

Troy:
You're dumping me?

Ted:
It's a fag-eat-fat world.

Troy:
Fuck you. You know... I liked you. A lot. I really did.

Brian:
I want to see your wife! Where is the little woman?!

Brian:
You infected him! With your petty bourgeois mediocre conformist assimilationist life! Thanks to you he's got visions! Babies, weddings, white picket fences dancing in his blonde little head!

Michael:
And you think I put them there?

Brian:
Before you and your husband tied the noose around your necks, he was perfectly happy! But now, he's a defector! Just like the rest of you!

Michael:
He was never perfectly happy! Waiting for years for you to say I love you, you're the only one I want!

Brian:
That's not who I am!

Michael:
Don't we all know!

Brian:
And now he's here in your house.

Michael:
It's a home.

Brian:
It's a farce! It's a freak show!

Michael:
Call it what you want, I honestly don't care. But he didn't leave because I infected him. He left because of you! Who wouldn't?!

Lindsay's mother:
When I heard about your relations with a man, I was hoping that...

Lindsay:
What? That I'd be the daughter you always dream of? Well, I'm not mom. And I never will be.

Jennifer:
Neither of you is willing to change?

Justin:
That's not love. That's sacrifice.

Brian:
You doing okay?

Justin:
Yeah, I'm fine. And you?

Brian:
Likewise, thanks for asking.

Justin:
Well, I guess I better get going.

Brian:
Me too. Take care of yourself.

Justin:
You too.

Ted:
Come on Brian, you can't fool me. You gotta free yourself of this burden. Release it, let it all hang out!

Brian:
[Deadpan] My mother is a frigid bitch, my father was an abusive drunk; they had a hateful marriage, which is probably why I am unwilling, or unable, to form a long-term committed relationship of my own. The fact that I drink like a fish, abuse drugs and have more or less redefined promiscuity doesn't help, much. As a result I've lost the two people in my life that mean the most to me. [Referring to Justin and Michael]

Ted:
There. Don't you feel better.

Brian:
No. But I'm sure you do.

Emmett [to Drew]:
If you can't be honest with me that's fine, it doesn't matter. But at least be honest with yourself.

Craig Taylor:
It's your choice.

Justin:
It's not a choice.

Craig:
Well don't expect to be rewarded!

Justin:
We're not asking to be rewarded, we're asking for what's rightfully ours!

Craig:
The right to pervert the sanctity of marriage, to make a mockery of family values?

Justin:
A hell of a lot you know about marriage or family values, you fucked around on mom!

Craig:
Watch your language!

Justin:
Oh forgive me, saying fuck is far worse than what you did, you lying hypocrite!

Emmett:
It was obvious to everyone from the moment I popped out of my mama that I was the new queen of Hazelhurst. They almost named me Elizabeth.

Ted:
You're lucky.

Emmett:
That they named me Emmett?

Ted:
That it was obvious. That you never had to go through the hell of hiding it, the fear of being found out.

Lindsay [to Brian]:
Don't tell me about clinging onto my past, until you're willing to let go of yours.

Brian:
Tuna casserole means we're going to get stoned and have a very meaningful conversation.

Justin:
[About a critic] He's a cunt.

Lindsey:
A very influential cunt.

Justin:
A cunt's a cunt.

Brian:
[after finding that Justin escaped the fire] All I could think was, "Please don't let anything happen to him." [grabs Justin and holds him close] I love you.

Brian:
You said that your small, charmless studio would have to do until your country manor came along. I'd hoped this would be all you dreamed of.

Justin:
And more, but I told you I...

Brian:
...Won't marry me. Who could blame you? I am , without doubt, the worst candidate for marriage alive, but, conversely, that's also the reason that I'm the best candidate.

Justin:
And how's that?

Brian:
Because, as strongly as I was opposed to the idea, now that I'm behind it, I am as fervently and passionately committed.

Justin:
Uh huh. And what changed your mind?

Brian:
I finally thought of one good reason to do it.

Justin:
And what is that one good reason?

Brian:
To prove to the person that I love, how much I love him. That I would give him anything, that I would do anything, be anything, to make him happy.

Justin:
You bought this? This … palace?

Brian:
It's for my prince. I'm also selling the loft and the club.

Justin:
Without even knowing what my answer would be?

Brian:
I'm taking a chance on love.

Justin:
Then you mean it?

Brian:
I've never meant anything more.

Justin:
Okay.

Brian:
Okay?

Justin:
Let's do it!

Brian:
Say it.

Justin:
Yes.

Brian:
Yes, what?

Justin:
Yes! Yes, I will marry you. I will marry you!

Brian:
I only have one question. After we're married, will you still blow me?

Justin:
[Laughs] Ever the romantic! That depends. If you still fuck me in every room of, um, what are we gonna call it? Mandalay? Xanadu? Wuthering Heights?

Brian:
I'll leave the christening up to you.

Justin:
Britain.

Brian:
[Looks confused, before realizing] Bri-Tin!

Michael:
They say that change is good for you, that it keeps you on your toes. Well, if that's true, I should be a fucking ballerina.

Brian:
Wouldn't you rather just cuddle?

Justin:
What?

Brian:
I said wouldn't you rather just lie here —

Justin:
No no no, I heard what you said. You said "cuddle"!

Brian:
So?

Justin:
So? I have never ever once heard you use that word, much less actually want to do it.

Brian:
Okay, can we just turn the lights out?

Justin:
No, no! Brian Kinney fucks, sucks, rims, rams but never cuddles!

Brian:
Okay, so I used a word that offends your sensibilities. Forgive me, I apologize. I'll never do it again!

Brian:
Whether we see each other next weekend, next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time.

Michael:
Come on, come on. Shake that groove thing.

Brian:
You shake it, Mikey. I'm too...

Michael:
What? Old? You'll always be young, you'll always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake!

Emmett:
So, uh, what do you say we go back to my room and, um, reminisce about old times.

Calvin:
Not that much to reminisce about.

Emmett:
I know.

Brian:
When's your flight?

Justin:
Ten... I think I finally found a place to stay. Daphne has a friend in the East Village... Finding a work space is gonna be difficult. Apparently everything costs a fortune.

Brian:
Well, you'll manage. You always do.

Justin:
I'll be back, and you'll come there. We're gonna see each other all the time.

Brian:
You don't know that; neither do I. Whether we see each other next weekend or next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time.

Justin:
You didn't return them?

Brian:
I didn't return them.

Justin:
We don't need rings or vows to prove that we love each other. We already know that.

Brian:
You did it.

Justin:
Did what?

Brian:
Became the best homosexual you could possibly be.

Brian:
Holy shit...

Justin:
What?

Brian:
You look...

Justin:
Good? Bad? Laughable?

Brian:
Beautiful.

Justin:
I do?

Brian:
It's not a question. It's a declaration. So try and be more emphatic when the minister asks you if you wanna go through with this.

Justin:
I do.

Michael:
So the thumps-thumpa continues. It always will, no matter what happens, no matter who's president. As our Lady of Disco, the divine Miss Gloria Gaynor, has always sung to us, "We will survive."