Queer Eye, Season 1

Friend:
God forbid you drink something at Butch's place.

Carson:
Come on boys, let's motor!

Ted:
Cheers queers.

Carson:
You put a living room where the crack den used to be!

Carson:
[whispering] I see straight people!

Adam:
[after getting something waxed] OW!

Kyan:
That was just your ear.

Thom:
[using a child's telephone] It's 1984. They want their decorations back.

Thom:
My God, it's like a Toys-R-Us crack den.

Karen Zalta:
Aww, pearl earrings to go with my pearl necklace!

Carson:
[sips cocktail] Everybody loves a pearl necklace.

Carson:
I need a ritalin smoothie to remember all this.

Carson:
Okay Tom, Thom, the thong and I are going to leave.

Lisa:
I thought they would have made you into some corporate yuppie type.

Carson:
Who are we? The five fags from IBM?

Carson:
See? Everything is better in cashmere.

Carson:
[looks at Kyan in a hat] You're like George. Not George straight, but like George gay.

Carson:
Where'd you get this shirt?

John:
Uh... K-Mart.

Carson:
[gasps] Don't use that kind of language around me.

Carson:
If she says no, you get to marry one of us. So it's a win-win situation.

Ted:
[looking at glass stained window] Lord please make this window go away.

Carson:
Can I call you Vinny?

Vincent:
Yeah.

Carson:
Can I call you my bitch?

Vincent:
Can I put my clothes back on?

Kyan:
Ye- second thought, Mmm.

Vincent:
I was just thinking about something. What are the other three guys doing back at my house?

Ted:
Back at your house they've probably loaded up the spraying painter and are painting your house pink.

Thom:
Are you guys going to be offended if you come back and it's like...

Vincent:
Organized?

Thom:
Or gone?

[Vinny starts singing]

Carson:
Wow, maybe back up singing isn't such a bad gig after all.

Thom:
Hey, it's getting better!

Carson:
No, we're getting drunker!

Carson:
ANDREW! You only have two pairs of pants!

Andrew:
There might be some....

Carson:
There might be some? You don't have a complete inventory of all your couture?

Carson:
[On his first impressions of Andrew] I was like, "Who's the homeless guy stealing the camera?"

Carson:
We can rebuild you.

Ted:
Make you better then you were.

Carson:
[about a crusty towel he found in Andrew's bathroom] What's this, your dreamcatcher?

Andrew:
Do I look like Ben Affleck?

Carson:
You look like Ben and Jerry Affleck.

Carson:
[sees Ayanna] Oh hi Peanut. Your boyfriend is working on my last gay nerve.

Carson:
I could get any gay man to cuff me any day of the week, but no, let the real cop do it. [John still can't cuff Carson] I could've fled the scene in like so many ways by now.

Carson:
Guns don't kill people! Bad fashion does!

Ted:
Now turn, turn, turn to the camera. What were you doing?

Jai:
Eating.

Ted:
What were you eating?

Jai:
Cake.

Ted:
And who does that cake belong to?

Jai:
John and Ayanna.

Ted:
That's right, and they are...

Jai:
Straight people.

Ayanna:
The vagina is leaving the building.

Thom:
No, no, we've still got Jai. He has to stay.

Carson:
The clothes tell a story. Yours is the story of a deranged kick-boxer who still lives with his mother in Queens.

George:
I love mirrors.

Thom:
We can see that.

Carson:
Do you know what the magic word is?

Josh:
Please?

Carson:
No sweetie... NOW!

Thom:
You know what, we're laying in a random guy's bed.

Carson:
I know. Feels like old times.

Carson:
This is like a bad episode of Soul Train with really bad dancing white people.

Thom:
I can't believe I'm going to say this, because it's not something I say often in my line of work, but my favorite thing in your living room is your fire hydrant.

Ted:
I hope he doesn't rush too much shucking the oysters or he might shuck his hand off. That would be a shucking tragedy.

Tom:
Let me tell you I'm going to have a sushi buffet. That's the theme.

Carson:
Sushi Buffet. That sounds like a drag queen.

Carson:
What is that? Wasabi paste?

Ted:
That's a lot of wasabi.

Thom:
The kids are going to love that.

Carson:
That's gonna shut the party down like a bad ferris wheel.

Carson:
We sold your children to pay for the furniture. I think you'll find it's a better investment in the long run.

Kyan:
[examining Tom's blow-dryer] I know all about good blow jobs, and this isn't it.

Ted:
The theme in the kitchen appears to be: A bomb went off.

Kyan:
Bro, this place is a shithole, basically.

Alan:
After you guys tore it up, yes.

Kyan:
No, it was a shithole before we got here.

Alan:
It was a hole maybe before.

Kyan:
No, it was a shithole. Can you say that? Shithole?

Alan:
My hole is a shithole. [Kyan smiles] Now. [Kyan stops smiling]

Jai:
[holding up book] The Idiot's Guide to Beer? Who's that much of an idiot that they need a whole guide to beer?

Ted:
Life is to short to drink cheap booze.

Thom:
It just looks like you blindfolded yourself, walked around the neighborhood on, like, trash night, and dragged this stuff back in your house.

[Jai, Kyan and Ted are playing the guitar and singing]

Jai:
Five gay men cleaning one house. One straight man, that's all it takes, just one dirty straight man.

Jai and Ted:
And five gay men.

Carson:
Let's go to the mall to pick up boys!

Kyan:
(wearing feathers in his hair): I'm feeling my inner Pochantas.

[Ted & Thom are playing with a fishing rod. Thom gets the hook caught in his mouth]

Ted:
Look! I caught a fag! I caught a homosexual!

Carson:
Gay, good. Gray, bad.

Corrine:
Are we in the right house?

Carson:
Let's torch the place!

[Ted an Laura are using an alphabet puzzle]

Ted:
Laura, what does this spell?

Laura:
Tragic.

Ted:
And who's tragic?

Laura:
My dad.

Carson:
[about Richard's suits] Single, double, single, single, ugly...

Thom:
[pushes Carson in the closet] Look! I got the gay guy in the closet!

Carson:
It's dark in here.

Thom:
He's neurotic and needy. God he's like everyone I date!

Thom:
[enters the shop before Steven] Sorry, ladies before gentlemen.

Kyan:
[looks in the shower] You could put a harness in here. Good times.

Thom:
Let me get this straight - your friend, is a straight hairstylist, with wicker furniture. I think he's got something he's not telling you.

Kyan:
This is a nose hair trimmer. [uses it on Steven]

Steven:
Ouch! You shit ass rat!

[Carson walks in]

Steven:
I'm crying

Steven:
These shoes won't make me gay?

Carson:
[bending over Steven to put on a shoe] No, but this will.

Thom:
Remember when you told me you'd make out with me if I got you a flat screen TV? Well pucker up, baby!

Carson:
Who says there are no gays in the military? Someone designed the outfit.

Ted:
I can't believe I asked an ex marine to make a chocolate souffle.

Jai:
He called you pretty boy. Are you going to take that?

Kyan:
Yes...[smiling] Thanks.

[The Fab Five are watching as Ross goes to take a shower]

Thom:
I put in a clear shower curtain.

[the door shuts on the camera]

Fab Five:
Awww!

Thom:
For the love of God!

Thom:
Run like a woman Ted!

Carson:
Repeat after me - I am worthy of highlights.

Carson:
Quickly - like bunnies!

Kyan:
Finding the porn is always a heart-felt moment.

Kyan:
[sees Butch's products] I've died and gone to gay-men's heaven.

Ralph:
[correcting Ted on hand signs] That means I love you in sign language. This means rock and roll.

Kyan:
[giving Ralph the finger] You know what this means? Clean your toilet!

Carson:
[making masturbation gesture with his hand] This means I wanna give you a handjob.

Thom:
Ew, I can't believe I just wiped my hands on something in this apartment.

Thom:
This apartment is scary, AAAHHHH!

Jai:
It's time to get rid of the wee one.

Carson:
Lions and tigers and bad taste, oh my!

Carson:
[referring to a tight pair of jeans] They're a little bit like a cheap hotel ... no ballroom.

Carson:
[with his head covered] Crouching Tiger, Hidden Drag Queen.

Thom:
You live in a dump like a crazy person. This is freaking me out.

Carson:
[on seeing a photo of Kevin's glamorous model girlfriend] I like long walks on the beach, leopard-print bikinis, and squalor.

Kyan:
[about Kevin's hair] His inspiration was Johnny Depp. [to Kevin] Were you high?

Carson:
[testing out her new married name] Matilda Downey. Jr.

Thom:
Sounds like a drag queen with a drug problem.

Kyan:
[holding a book entitled "Please Kill Me"] I think he wrote this book. He wrote this book after living here for a year.

Carson:
Tucking is so last week.

Warren:
Mother tuckers!

Thom:
It's like taking a wire hanger from the cleaners and faux-painting it wood.

Jai:
[talking to a small model owl] Oh Mr Owl, I'm sorry you're stuck here with these smelly straight folk [kisses the owl].

Carson:
No more musical theater until this room is clean!

Ted:
When you look at this color, what feeling does it evoke?

Thom:
Must die now.

Carson:
They should just stay home and make sweet, sweet love.

Kyan:
You know, they really should.

Thom:
These are horrible!

John:
Sylvia and I made them.

Thom:
These are delightful!

Carson:
Here's a tip for you: when buying a velour tracksuit, stop.

Jai:
John, this is the most boring porn I've ever seen. Ever.

Ted:
And he's already pounding the liquor. An athlete after my own heart.

Jai:
[about Rob, who is a phone engineer] Now does he climb the poles and stuff?

Thom:
[holds up an ugly sweater] Now how come he wears this and has a girlfriend, yet I wear these fabulous clothes and I'm single?

Kyan:
Your safety word is 'zucchini.'

[Rob goes into the dressing room.]

Carson:
Now I'm gonna try something on. [Carson goes into the dressing room with him]

Rob:
ZUCCHINI! ZUCCHINI!

[while Rob models an outfit]

Carson:
All right, you look dressed up yet casual. Now let's go try something new. Let's make out! [slips his hand in Rob's pocket and leads him off]

Rob:
Zucchini!

Kyan:
Don't worry man, I got your back.

[Ted drops a glass object on the floor]

Ted:
Okay then.

Jai:
Did you break something?

Ted:
I wouldn't say I broke it. I prefer to say IT broke.

Carson:
If I didn't know you, I'd try to lure you to a wayside rest area.

Carson:
We're stressy, we're edgy. Like us running off to Belize together.

[Ted and Carson move a couch toward the balcony]

Carson:
Are we really throwing it over?

Ted:
Yeah.

Carson:
Okay. Don't throw like a girl.

Jai:
We're stressing out the straight guy! Wooo!

Carson:
[ (climbing into a clear cabinet] Look, I'm a collectable!

Carson:
[about the sheets] It's a full queen. Just like you, Thom!

Ted:
[about Costco] They've got trampolines. They've got plastic TVs. They have tube socks. They have the best tube socks. Ever.

Thom:
You guys, look. This is my pile of stuff I don't like. Is it getting too big?

Carson:
Your clothes are in the basement?

Mark:
Yeah.

Carson:
That's so Silence of the Lambs.

Carson:
You know, if you don't have a male role model in your life, bad things can happen.

Thom:
For example?

Carson:
[pointing to himself] Poster child!

Lawson:
Are you checking out my ass?

Gable:
No.

Lawson:
Why aren't you?

Carson:
Everyone needs to know that we made the pilot in 1979. That's why we look so young.

ted:
Thirty's an important time in your life. I'm looking forward to it.

Carson:
Yeah me too.

Carson:
Let's not worry about labels. I won't call you a pervert if you won't call me a big homo.

Carson:
Just because you get your hair frosted doesn't mean you're gay. But if you frost someone else's hair, that's another story.

Thom:
Wouldn't it be embarrassing if you're a coach and you got your ass kicked by a gay decorator?

Carson:
There's no "I" in team.

Mark:
No.

Carson:
There is an "M" and an "E" though.

Carson:
Look at all this wood. It's definitely getting me in the mood.

Carson:
Those rascally gay guys moved our dining room!