Raising Hope, Season 4

Sabrina:
Jimmy, do you remember how we talked about not letting your parents drag us into something crazy every week?

Arnold:
I'm not one for melodrama, so goodbye forever.

Barney:
Unfortunately, I took six brutal beatings before I learned there was no merit badge for cruelty, and I'd been letting the scouts pummel me for no real reason.

Sabrina:
It's more of those postcards from my mom. What are they doing out here?

Jimmy:
I always, um, hide them in here before you see them, because I know how much they upset you. I'm sorry.

[Sabrina kisses Jimmy]

Jimmy:
What was that for?

Sabrina:
Because you committed a federal crime to protect my feelings. Oh, Jimmy, don't you see? I may have saved you a couple times, but you save me every day.

Josh:
I miss my prison husband.

Sabrina:
What?

Josh:
Nothin'.

Sabrina:
There's a rip in the side of this mountain.

Burt:
Of course there is. That's... "Rip Mountain".

Marina Employee:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. No one is allowed in the boat. Didn't you read the contract?

Sabrina:
Oh, yeah, I read every word. That's why my daughter's wearing a snorkel on a road trip.

Virginia:
The only doctor I go to is Dr. Vajajay. ...He's Indian. That's his name. He looks after my hoo-hah.

Jimmy:
Gross.

Burt:
I assure you, it is not.

[Burt is panicking about his colonoscopy]

Burt:
Get me the hell out of here. I don't want to die with a camera up my poop chute!

Jimmy:
Dad, it says "unlikely."

Burt:
"Unlikely"? Unlikely things happen all the time. Michael Jordan grew a Hitler mustache. That came out of nowhere. Nowhere!

Sabrina:
You can't live your life without taking risks. Sometimes you've just got to jump in and marry the grocery bagger with the serial killer's baby. ...That happened to somebody I know.

Sabrina:
Hey! How's it going?

Jimmy:
It's tough. I haven't found that thing. You know, that muse thing.

Sabrina:
[Grins, points to herself] Ooh! What about me? I can be your muse.

Jimmy:
Okay, cards on the table: I'm not entirely clear on what a muse is or does.

Jimmy:
How am I supposed to do a rebirthing? I've never even seen an actual birth. Hope was born in a jail.

Barney:
Frank and I could help you.

Frank:
Oh, yeah, totally. Rebirthing ceremonies are simple.

[Jimmy and Barney give Frank a look]

Frank:
Sometimes insomnia can drive a man to the deep dark corners of the Internet.

[Burt and Virginia are pretending to be lawyers]

Burt:
Mr. Lennox, is it true that you decapitate puppies as a hobby? ...Withdrawn. Weren't you a member of the Taliban? ...Withdrawn. A pedophile? ..Withdrawn. A thief? ..Withdrawn. Defecated in an avocado field? ...Withdrawn!

Judge:
Mr. Chance, enough of this. Damn Law and Order ruined an entire generation of lawyers.

Virginia:
Bet those snobs in the hoity-toity neighborhood don't have to deal with their power going out.

Sabrina:
Jimmy, speaking of which, that's us. Let's go home.

Virginia:
You were right, Burt. I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

Burt:
That's okay. I'm almost never right. You were just playing the odds.

Burt:
So did you and Sabrina enjoy your night alone last night?

Jimmy:
Yeah, it was great. I think I tweaked my neck. Sabrina had me doing all sorts of crazy stuff.

Burt:
Really?

Jimmy:
Well, with Hope out of the house, we could get down to all the dirty stuff on our list.

Burt:
You have a list??

Jimmy:
It was exhausting. We did it all. You know, I shampooed the carpet for, like, an hour. She cleaned the chimney. It was filthy. We were both pretty sore this morning, but, uh, she still had me mulch her flower box.

Burt:
Wow.

Jimmy:
Yeah, well, next time you guys take Hope, I'm gonna oil up her chest in our bedroom.

Burt:
Now you're talking.

Jimmy:
It takes a while. She hasn't really taken care of it in years. It's kind of gross underneath.

Burt:
[Grimaces] Well, still, a chest is a chest.

Jimmy:
It is a nice chest. It's not as old or as beautiful as Maw Maw's.

Burt:
[Gags] I'm sorry, when you say "oil up her chest," what exactly do you mean?

Jimmy:
I mean just get some linseed oil and polish up the antique chest that Sabrina's uncle left us.

Burt:
Oh.

Jimmy:
What did you think?

Burt:
I thought you were talking about you and Sabrina having weird sex, and then, briefly, you wanting to feel up your great-grandmother.

Virginia:
Obama made a law where everybody has to have affordable car insurance. It's called Obama-Car.

Jimmy:
You should definitely do a protest. Paint signs, chain yourself to each other. Even if it takes all day marching around in the hot, blazing sun.

Sabrina:
God, I'm so glad you're into this. We should get started.

Jimmy:
Wait, I have to go with you?

Sabrina:
You did it! You guys did what my environmental group could never do: Something.

Burt:
You know, this wouldn't be our house if we just stayed with Jimmy and Sabrina.

Virginia:
No way. It's one thing to mooch off my grandmother, I'm not about to mooch off my own son. I have pride, Burt. Okay, the car wash is open. Let's go sneak a shower.

Burt:
[Blindfolded] Okay, that was interesting. Moist, chewy... I don't want to say "soapy" but it had a quality to it...

Virginia:
Burt, you just took a bite out of a sponge I left on the table!

Burt:
Hmm... better than I would have thought.

[Jimmy is about to pour radish juice into Virginia's casserole]

Jimmy:
I know what you did to Sabrina's casserole, and now I'm just giving you a taste of your own medicine.

Virginia:
Before you do that, why don't you taste the medicine?

[Jimmy drinks some radish juice, gags]

Jimmy:
Oh, it's horrible.

Virginia:
Not the juice. My casserole.

[Jimmy tries Virginia's casserole, spits out in disgust, drinks some radish juice, gags]

Jimmy:
Oh, it's horrible! Why can't anyone cook anymore? Is it me? Maybe I went mouth-blind. Can people go mouth-blind?

[After being warned by Frank that Barney is looking for a couple to double date with him and Maxine]

Jimmy:
Well, I think we should support Barney.

Sabrina:
Oh, I'm not going. It's not because of Barney, it's because of my aunt Maxine. She's always criticizing everything I eat, and what I wear, and how I married a guy who's just completely beneath... [stutters and averts eyes] my... wings. Like the wind!

Jimmy:
You can stop.

Sabrina:
Well, after Frank volunteered, we kind of had to. I mean, he is officially the laziest guy in the store.

[Holds up yearbook with photo of Frank sleeping on the job, captioned "Laziest Guy in the Store"]

Sabrina:
Barney does superlatives in the annual Howdy's yearbook.

Frank:
It's the age-old romantic story. Boy wearing baby mask meets girl wearing horse-head mask. And then girl's mask comes off, and boy doesn't have the guts to tell her how he really feels about her. We've all seen it a million times.

Virginia:
You two are married now. Lying and being deceitful to get information out of him is your job, not mine.

Burt:
A cowhand told me you wanted this.

Jimmy:
I thought Sabrina told you.

Sabrina:
It's cowboy-speak.

Jimmy:
Oh, right. [to Colt Palamino, awkwardly] Howdy, pilgrim. I like beans.

Sabrina:
Why don't you guys just dare him to stop?

Jimmy:
Apparently it's against the rules.

Burt:
It's like wishing for more wishes.

Jimmy:
Oh, my God! She let a mummy into our house.

Sabrina:
What?

Jimmy:
Wait. Hang on. I think that might be Ashley.

Sabrina:
Good catch.

Sabrina:
There have been countless studies that show that all of the most successful babies have been born in November. Because they're the oldest in their class.

Jimmy:
One reason I support your theory is that it means we can have sex right now.

Cop:
Turns out, all that stuff was real candy, which you were eating in a Dumpster. So the only thing you're guilty of is being gross, disgusting people who probably have hepatitis C. Please leave this police station and try not to touch anything on your way out.

Sabrina:
I think you guys might be putting too much weight on TV. It's just a bunch of people saying clever quips followed by a catchy theme song.

[Raising Hope theme song plays]

Virginia:
So, what's everybody up to next week?

Jimmy:
Not much. I'm gonna pretend to be Barney's girlfriend while his moms come to visit town.

Virginia:
Hmm.

Sabrina:
I've got to go meet my pregnant friend in an elevator.

Burt:
We couldn't think of anything new to do, so we're just gonna make a family video. You know, clip together some of our favorite moments from over the years.

Sabrina:
That sounds boring.

Virginia:
Oh, no. We're gonna talk in between the clips to spice it up a little.

Sabrina:
Oh.

[Awkward silence, everyone walks away]

Virginia:
[Voiceover] Raising Hope was not filmed before a live studio audience.

Tyler:
[regarding his grandmother's ghost] Did she say anything bad? She's a bit of a racist.

Maw Maw:
So, you're just a strange man sneaking around my bedroom at night? Well, I guess I'm going to bed. By myself. No risk of pregnancy. I'll never remember. You'll never forget.

Sabrina:
I can't believe you used to use stray dogs to hook up with girls.

Jimmy:
Uh, excuse me. High school dropout working with his dad, living with his parents? My toolbox wasn't exactly overflowing.

[Michael has a spray bottle filled with "pee"]

Burt:
Is that real pee?

Michael:
If it was, would I do this? [squirts spray bottle into his mouth]

Burt:
Maybe...

Eleanor:
Here's chamomile with one sugar for you, and for the master of the house, chilled grape soda.

Jimmy:
Listen, Eleanor--My God, this grape soda is good.

Eleanor:
Oh, thank you. I went all the way to the bad part of town for it.

Jimmy:
That's nice. And also, Nana's dead.

Virginia:
As a member of the domestic service community, normally right now I'd be giving you a long talking-to about abusing your maid, but your father might be dead.

Jimmy:
Eleanor, adjust my face to express shock.

Eleanor:
Very good, sir.

Virginia:
Allow me. [slaps Jimmy across the face]

Virginia:
We know what it's like to have an ungrateful child. And an uncoordinated child. And an underachieving child. But we stuck around.

Jimmy:
Hey, Mom. I'm right here.

Virginia:
And a child with an annoying voice.

Jimmy:
You guys said, just last week, that room was still mine if if things didn't work out with Sabrina.

Sabrina:
[looks at Virginia, annoyed] Really. Just last week.

Virginia:
It was your anniversary, the subject came up. And to be clear, he had just told us he was getting you a box of envelopes.

Jimmy:
The first anniversary is paper.