Red Dwarf, Series VII

Rimmer:
Do you think it's because the subspace conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?

Kryten:
Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.

Cat:
How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep!

Kryten:
(after his guilt chip is removed) Just call me badass!

Ace:
You can't judge a book by its cover.

Lister:
And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.

Ace:
Princess Bonjella? Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later and, hopefully, some sex.

Lister:
Are you my faithful man servant or what?

Kryten:
I'm ashamed to be with you sir. I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr Rimmer's soup.

AR medieval King:
Good Knight, bring me this knaves head on a silver platter

Lister (of Smeg):
hey, steady!

AR medieval King:
Then disembowel him and feed his innards to the crows

Lister (of Smeg):
This is worse than playing away at Leeds.

(New)Ace:
Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas.

Kochanski:
Rimmer?

Rimmer:
Yes, ma'am?

Kochanski:
Have sex with someone, and that's an order.

Rimmer:
Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

Lister:
[Hands him a card] Here, phone this number. Say I sent ya. Tell her it's an emergency.

Kryten:
[to Lister] We've lost sight of Miss Kochanski's ship, sir. And we're fast running out of time.

Lister:
Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

Kryten:
No sir, I don't believe it is.

Lister:
Why? Don't you like her?

Kryten:
I'm a mere mechanoid, sir. It's hardly my place to point out what a bossy old trollop she is.

Kryten:
I'm going to end up on my own again, just like I did on the Nova 5.

Lister:
You killed the crew, Kryten! No wonder you were left on your own! All right, it was an accident, but nonetheless!

Kryten:
But what about before that? It was the same on the SS Augustus!

Lister:
Well, they died of old age!

Kryten:
You see?

Kryten:
You're not good enough for him. That's all. OK, he may walk around smelling like a Balti House laundry basket, but he doesn't need the likes of you swapping dimensions like there's no tomorrow and bewitching him with your... in and out bits. Pointy and unnecessary.

Kochanski:
You've got big problems, you know that?

Kryten:
It's an obscene phone call, sir. I think it's for you.

Lister:
To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

Kochanski:
How did I end up like this, on a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry?

Kryten:
They always say the hardest part about leaving Cyberspace is realizing that the whole universe does not revolve around you.

Cat:
Sure doesn't. It revolves around me!

Kochanski:
Absolutely...

Cat:
No. I'm serious! Look at the evidence!

Lister:
What evidence?

Cat:
Take food: until I bite into it, it has no taste. Even when I know what I'm gonna say, it never bores me!

Lister:
You, and you alone.

Cat:
And here's the kicker, all the interesting things that ever happen to me happened when I was in the room! Coincidence? Get outta here...

[Lyrics to the The Rimmer Song in The Rimmer Experience:
]

He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,

More reliable than a garden strimmer,

He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner;

He's not bald, and his head doesn't glimmer.

Master of the wit and the repartee,

His command of space directives is uncanny.

How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me!

Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer.

He's also a fantastic swimmer,

And if you play your cards right,

Then he just might come round for dinner.

Kryten:
[about Kochanski] And another thing is that she keeps her pants in her sock drawer! Do you know how time-consuming that can be to put it all back?

Cat:
You mean you've seen her pants?

Kochanski:
Do you think I like living in this big skip with thrusters? And to top it all off, I am faced with a neurotic droid who is completely obsessed with my pants drawer!

Kryten:
You mean I'm not alone? Oh, I see. You mean me.

Lister:
I'm losing it, man, otherwise I'd never be thinking stuff like that. Kissing Rimmer? I'd rather be bobbing for apples at the Reading festival!

Lister:
[about Rimmer] I never wanna see or hear from that scum sucking, lying, weasel minded smeghead in my entire life.

Kryten:
Sigmund Freud, eat your heart out.

Kryten:
Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I said supper is ready.

Kochanski:
Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think?

Cat:
"Cat do this!" "Cat do that!" What am I? A dog?

Cat:
[about Kryten, whose head had just blown up] Life without a head. That's gonna seriously put a real crimp on his lifestyle. What can he do without a head?

Lister:
Apart from being you, hardly anything.

[The crew discusses a plan to remove Lister's arm to save his life.]

Lister:
Can you explain it to me? Something a bit more confidence-stirring than "Can I hack off your limb?"

Kryten:
The plan is to inject antivirals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm.

Lister:
And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got?... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.

Kryten:
I take it we're speaking with the Epideme virus?

Epideme:
Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous - give him two!

Lister:
You absorb knowledge from every person you kill?

Epideme:
So you can appreciate killing you ain't exactly a career highlight. No offence, but when you're a virus, there ain't much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.

Kochanski:
Hi. I'm so sorry.

Lister:
My left arm I said. Thats my right. What kind of Navigation Officer can't tell left from right?

Kryten:
Sir, you're awake!

Cat:
Buddy, you look great! (Puts out hand to shake Lister's before realising he put his right hand out)

Kochanski:
(Disgusted by all the corpses on the Leviathan) I've never seen anything like this!

Lister:
You weren't around for my last party, were ya?

Lister:
But does it change anything?

Kochanski:
Listen, having only one arm will make no difference to any woman that cares about you.

Lister:
What about sex?

Kochanski:
Not here, it's too sandy.

Lister:
Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace? I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, directionless, neurotic, underachieving, snivelling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence. But, get real, man. Most eunuchs have got more balls than you.

Kochanski:
One more time.. And you get this, d'you hear? Don't think I don't mean it. One more time, just one more..

Kochanski:
What did I tell you, I told you.. Didn't I tell you? How many times have I told you? Right... What was the last one? Nureek, so the next one will be a Rutut, then the one after that will be a Hununger.. Four Seconds, Three Seconds Two Seconds...

Kochanski:
Now Hununger.

Kochanski:
No that's wrong? You've gone out of sequence! Nureek, Rutut, Hununger! What wrong with you!

Kochanski:
If you're gonna keep me up all night, just do it right okay!

Kochanski:
Squeelookle? Where did squeelookle come from? He's New!

Kochanski:
Looking for someone to kill, care to volunteer?

Kochanski:
Have you ever listened to those clapped out old pipes? Nureeking, then Rututting and just when you're expecting them to nureek again, they squeelookle! It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!!

Lister:
I AM NOT HAVING A GOOD DAY!!!

Lister:
It's nice, Kryts, really nice.

Kochanski:
It's really great!

Lister:
In fact it's better than nice, it's fantastic!

Kochanski:
Isn't it great!

Lister:
It's really great!

Kochanski:
It's really really great!

Cat:
Are we eating the same stuff?

Kryten:
I don't know why I make the effort? No one appreciates the hours I put into food prep. My fingers are practically worn down to the exoskeleton!

Lister:
Is there any Ketchup?

Kryten:
Any what?!

Lister:
Ketchup, I thought it could do with a bit of ketchup, just a dollop...

Lister:
Ketchup?!

Kochanski:
Oh my god..

Kryten:
You want Ketchup?!

Lister:
Emmm... Brown not tomato, Brown. It's not like I've got no class?

Kryten:
With Lobster? You want brown ketchup?!

Lister:
It's really nice Kryts, but you know me. I just thought it could do with a bit of a pep up...

Kryten:
I can't believe it... I simply cannot B...! (His head explodes)

Cat:
Oh well done bud! Now we'll have to do the washing up.

Kochanski:
He's literally blown his top. Cat, can you go and get a spare head?

Cat:
How come I have to do everything around here? I can't get a second to myself. Cat do this, Cat do that. What am I, a dog?!

Kryten:
(narrating) Last week, on Red Dwarf... something terrible happened to Mr. Lister's arm!

Kryten:
Oh my goodness, it's Princess Leia. Mr Skywalker went that way mam.

Kryten:
It's nearly 1am mam, what are you doing up?

Kryten:
Oh.. can't sleep?

Krysten:
It's quite amazing the number of people those pipes have driven to very brink of psychosis. Mr Lister spent the night in there once and he ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.