Roseanne, Season 2

Dan:
[Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?

Darlene:
Not all of her. If I were you I'd check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.

Becky:
Darlene, you have such a big mouth.

Darlene:
And you have such a small chest.

Becky:
At least I have a chest!

Darlene:
At least I'm not a drooling boy-crazed nymphomaniac.

Roseanne:
Hey, leave me out of this!

Becky:
You're just jealous 'cause I have a date.

Darlene:
And a two-ply chest!

Becky:
Hermaphrodite!

Darlene:
[temporarily speechless] Oh yeah?! [leaves kitchen]

Darlene:
[about what happened to Becky during her pep squad speech] Just as she completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.

Roseanne:
What happened?

Darlene:
Becky... cut... the cheese.

Darlene:
People are already calling her "Conner-the-Bomber."

Roseanne:
I heard you laid down the law.

Becky:
Who told you?

Roseanne:
It was on the news. ... Darlene told me.

Crystal:
Lonnie told me about Becky's unfortunate accident. I'm so sorry.

Roseanne:
Yeah, we're thinking about putting her to sleep.

Darlene:
Hey Mom, whatcha workin' on?

Roseanne:
Invoices. I'm ordering new children.

Darlene:
Yeah? Well, why don't we trade Becky in for a partially tattooed Latin boy of sixteen?

Roseanne:
'Cause that's my Christmas present to myself.

Dan:
Hey, we missing an offspring?

Roseanne:
 Yeah, where did ya think I got the bacon?

Jackie:
You act like some big high-and-mighty, self-righteous, pedestal-type person, and you poo-poo everything in my life.

Roseanne:
Yeah, and you go right for your addictive behavior. Uh, because you cannot handle conflict. That is the whole thing: you cannot handle conflict. Remember, we saw that whole thing on Oprah: People who cannot handle conflict, so right away, they run for the alcohol.

[starts nibbling another pancake]

Jackie:
Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne. You know, people who live in glass houses shouldn't eat stones.

Jackie:
Roseanne, Goodbye.

Roseanne:
Oh, Jackie, Grow up!

Jackie:
Oh, Go to Hell! (Slams the door)

Roseanne:
This IS Hell!

Darlene:
[grilling Becky about why Becky was caught reading Dan's girlie magazine] You wanna be like those girls, don't you?

Becky:
Shut UP!

Darlene:
You know you do. [mimicking fashion model movements] Why don't you show Mom and Dad your Sexy Walk?

Becky:
[hitting Darlene on the arm] I hate you, Darlene. [flees the kitchen]

Darlene:
[grabbing her arm] OWWWW, you sexy thing!!!

Dan:
Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house presentable.

Darlene:
Rub a lamp.

Dan:
I didn't tell you to quit your job.

Roseanne:
The hell you didn't!

Dan:
The hell I DID! I told you if you wanted to quit your job, you should go ahead and quit your job. I was trying to support you.

Roseanne:
Ha ha. You told me to quit my job and now you resent me because I did!

Dan:
Bull, bull, bull.

Roseanne:
You're all the time picking at me and making little cracks!

Dan:
We always make little cracks. We always make little jokes. That's how we are! THAT'S WHY WE GET ALONG SO WELL!

Roseanne:
(to Dan) What'd you get us for later? (Dan shows her a video and they both giggle heavily) That's perfect!

Roseanne:
(to Becky about Darlene) You can't take her to that party. There'll be boys there.

Darlene:
There are boys at school and you let me go there.

DJ:
I can't work this damn thing.

Roseanne:
Where'd you get that language? This isn't a thing, it's a VCR.

Roseanne:
I hate my boss! I hope he never graduates high school.

Dan:
(to Roseanne who is struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome) It's too bad that you can't accept the fact that people have to live their own lives. Just because a bird leaves the nest doesn't mean it's gonna get creamed by the Concorde.

Dan:
Becky! Darlene! C'mon, We're going to the mall with Uncle Bert!

Dan:
Damn, this thing's heavy. Oh!

Roseanne:
Shut up! Twist on it. Now turn it this way. You're hitting the fucking table!

Dan:
Fuck the table. Open the door!

Roseanne:
Wait! get off my fucking foot. You got to pull it straight back. All right, We have to make a big fucking turn here.

Dan:
Honey, help me out here. Help straighten me out here.

Roseanne:
Wait. wait. wait. O.k., take it back. Straight! O.k., now pull it outwide to the right. The right! out this way. O.k., now straighten it out. O.k. No! you're hitting the door. O.k., a little more this way. This way. This way. O.k., straight. O.k.

(Dan and Roseanne manage to get the fridge out the door)

Dan:
I'm going to kill the son of a bitch if I ever see him again.

[Becky is demonstrating to Darlene how to kiss]

Becky:
Then you open your mouth a little bit.

Darlene:
You open your mouth?! For what?!

Roseanne:
[walking into the bedroom] So, you can slip him the tongue.

Becky:
When you first met Dad, did you want to kiss him all the time?

Roseanne:
Well, somebody had to do it. And you know me: work, work, work.

Jackie:
(to Roseanne while Roseanne and Jackie discussing Arnie kissing Roseanne) Well, you know what? You're right. I don't like it when a guy thinks he can come up and handle you like you're a rubber thong in a discount bin.

Arnie (to Roseanne):
You coming back down?

Roseanne:
No, I got a heli-port on the roof.

Arnie:
Cool.

Jackie:
Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?

Roseanne:
Oh yeah, she was scary.

Becky:
Who's Mrs. Osmand?

Jackie:
Oh, she was this madwoman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.

Roseanne:
Too bad she never did it on Halloween.

Jackie:
Hey, sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?

Roseanne:
Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.

Darlene:
Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?

Roseanne:
If she's truly insane she will.

Roseanne:
(After hearing Becky's mean attitude) Geez, I thought I was the Wicked Witch.

Becky:
( To Darlene popping her head up from looking in the fridge) Why don't you shut your thin lipped little mouth!

Roseanne:
I love my children.

Judge:
Then why did you murder them!

Roseanne:
Your honor, all I wanted was 10 minutes alone in my own bathroom!

Roseanne:
You can't put someone on the stand I already killed!

Jackie:
Allegedly killed, your Honor.

Judge:
Overruled.

Becky:
Mom, are you through in the bathroom yet?

Dan:
Honey, I'm through in there.

Darlene:
Mom, I did my homework, but I still need you to sign here.

DJ:
Mom, can you make me a sandwich?

Roseanne (opens her eyes and sees her family):
Oh no! You're alive!

Roseanne:
And don't say a thing to mom about you being a cop.

Jackie:
Why not?

Roseanne:
Because I don't want her dropping dead of a heart attack at the dinner table!

Dan:
Why not?

Roseanne:
Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, stuffing breadcrumbs up a dead bird's butt!

Beverly (to Jackie):
How could you do something so impulsive, so wreckless! You could get killed or maimed! Roseanne, did you know about this?

Roseanne:
I guess so...

Beverly:
Well why didn't she say something to me about it?

Jackie:
I don't want to talk about this anymore! (starts sobbing)

Roseanne:
Well that's one thing I love about this family, we don't want to talk about something, so we bring it up at the dinner table! Here! Have some turkey! (slaps down a grotesquely carved turkey)

Darlene:
I don't want to be expressive! I couldn't care less about poetry! I just want to graduate high school so I can get on with my life, so I can get a job and get out of this hellhole town!

Roseanne:
But if you could be expressive, what would you say?

[Darlene has to recite her poem aloud]

Darlene: To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate. To whom it concerns, my mom made me write this And I'm just a kid, so how could I fight this? To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment Maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement. To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with a ball But guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall. To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen. To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel When I get blindsided, my pain is quite real. I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns. I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns.

Martin:
[reading poem at Culture Night] Away, away, why do you stay? Fly away, bird. It looks at me and still it hops, and hops, and hops. Fly away.

Roseanne:
[aside, to Jackie] Got a gun on ya?

Martin:
It spreads it's wings, and flies away, away, it does not look back. That's it.

Becky:
Mother, I haven't seen you all week. You're neglecting me.

Roseanne:
I know honey, but it's nothing personal. I'm neglecting your brother and sister too.

Roseanne:
Are you feeliing ignored? Are you feeling unappreciated?

Dan:
You're gonna be feeling single in about two seconds.

D.J.:
What's going on?

Becky:
Got me.

D.J.:
Mom, what's going on?

Roseanne:
We're playing a game.

D.J.:
Can I play?

Dan:
No, you're too mature to play this game.

Becky:
Can I have my allowance?

Dan:
It's an honor to have you on the payroll.

Becky:
(to Roseanne after hearing she is grounded for another week) You're being totally unfair just because I don't want to eat your stinkin' beans!

Roseanne:
Wrong, I'm being totally unfair because that is my job!

Dan (about Becky):
She's just trying to get a rise out of you.

Roseanne:
She's been trying to get a rise out of me for the last month.

Dan:
What're you talking about?

Roseanne:
Where've you been, Dan? She comes home from school, yells at me and locks herself in her room. The only time she comes out is to either yak on the phone or give me grief.

Dan:
Great Caesar's Ghost, she's acting like a 14-year-old.

Roseanne:
Anyway, what do you know about this? You're not even a mom!

Jackie:
When are you gonna quit throwing that up to me?!

Roseanne:
When your water breaks!

Roseanne:
[to Brian, after learning that she is fired] I need that job, and I hate like hell that I do, but I need it. And I'm not working there because I need an allowance. I'm paying for a mortgage and putting food on the table and buying clothes for three kids. I don't think you'd even understand that. I don't think you understand anything. You're not grown up enough yet to understand that your life doesn't always turn out the way you plan it to be, and sometimes you end up doing stuff you thought you'd never do in a million years, but you still have to do it 'cause there's nothing else you can do.

Roseanne:
I've definitely sunk to an all-time new low: I've been fired by Opie.

Brian (to Roseanne):
You are paid to follow my orders. It isn't always pretty, but this is the business we've chosen.

Roseanne:
You've got a big booger hanging out of your nose!

Roseanne:
I've got two more pancakes here!

DJ:
I want French toast!

Roseanne:
Well, you better move to Europe.

Brian:
Now this is supposed to be fast food, people. And we can't exactly call it fast.

Roseanne:
Why not? We call it food.

Roseanne:
I guess you can catch more flies with manure, than with honey.

Darlene:
You have a big mouth.

Roseanne:
No I don’t... BECKY!!!!

Roseanne:
For God's sake, Becky, you're 14 years old!

Becky:
Mom, everything I do... everything I feel, it's always "Well, she's 14." I mean, when you guys do something, people don't go, "Well, she's 37."

Roseanne:
[pauses] ...36 and a half.

Darlene:
How come the liquor cabinet is open?

Becky:
[drunk] I dunno. Maybe the wine had to breathe!

Becky:
[drunk] This is my sister Lardene. Larlene. Dardene!

[Dana pokes Darlene]

Darlene:
WHAT?!

Dana:
Where's your bathroom?

Becky:
Oh, we don't have a bathroom, we use a wok. [laughs hysterically]

Darlene:
[as Roseanne and Dan are starting to chew out Becky] I'm gonna go upstairs and flush the wok.

Becky:
What is the problem?!! You guys drink all the time!

Dan:
First of all, we don't drink all the time; second of all, we're not talking about US!

Becky:
(sarcastically) Look, I have one drink and you're acting like I'm an alcoholic. Oh quick, I'll call the 800 number.

Roseanne:
We ARE your 800 number, Becky.

Becky:
J-bird, you're an experienced woman, right?

Jackie:
I'm not all that experienced.

Becky:
But, you have dated a lot of boys.

Jackie:
Yes, and a couple of men. At least one.

Dan:
I've never washed dishes with another woman before.

Jackie:
Ha-ha. How does it feel?

Dan:
Cheap.

[Dan sits on the rebuilt Harley]

Ziggy:
Yes! The shocks held!

Jackie:
(referring to her bartending talents) Some things you never lose. And some things you lose to the wrong person. (referring to Ziggy)

Dan (to Ziggy):
I thought I could do it, but I can't sell you my bike, it's just too many memories.

Ziggy:
That's great, fine, don't sell me the bike, I'm not saying sell me the bike. Don't sell me the bike, but don't do it because you're still hanging onto the past, do it because you're going to get back on it some day.

Roseanne:
I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Divine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job wherein I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.

Jackie:
Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very well.

Crystal:
You know, Roseanne, I never imagined in my whole life that I'd have you washing my hair.

Roseanne:
Well, I always thought of holding your head under water, more than once.

Customer:
Now, Iris, I love what you did last week, but can you make me look like that? [hands Iris a photo]

Roseanne:
Oh, I'm sure you can, Iris. I'll go get the wand.

Becky:
Susan Noonan said that her mother saw you sweeping up people's hair in the beauty parlor.

Roseanne:
Well, you tell Susan Noonan that I saw her mom getting her roots bleached and her mustache waxed.

Marcia:
How do you like the job so far?

Roseanne:
Well, it's just like being home, I make coffee, I answer the phone, and I do laundry.

Debbie:
Roseanne, where are the clean towels?

Roseanne:
And I listen to children whine.

Roseanne:
[on her pants] I guess they didn't shrink, I just grew!

Dan:
[putting an arm around Roseanne] I think we've grown together.

Roseanne:
We've gotta go on a diet.

Dan:
What's this we jazz? My pants fit fine.

Roseanne:
Well, my pants don't fit me!

Dan:
Well, your pants don't fit me either.

Darlene:
Aw, face it. You're both tanks.

Roseanne:
Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!

Darlene:
Oh right. Like I invented double dutch chocolate.

Roseanne:
No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.

Dan:
Me too!

Darlene:
Twenty pounds?

Roseanne:
Okay, forty pounds...[pauses] With each kid.

Dan:
Me too!

Becky:
[setting the table] You gotta move, Deej.

D.J.:
Make me!

Darlene:
[leaning in toward D.J.] How about a kiss, hot stuff?

D.J.:
[grabbing his notebook and running off] I'm outta here!

Dan:
What do you guys think? You think your mom needs to lose weight?

D.J.:
No, I like you mushy.

Becky:
Aunt Jackie, how come Mom is so heavy and you're so thin?

Jackie:
It'sssss... genetics.

Becky and Darlene:
[looking at each other in horror] OH MY GOD!

Commercial Announcer:
Say, when was the last time you tasted real butterscotch? Creamy, smooth butterscotch with walnuts, surrounded by delicious milk chocolate. Have a Yummy Bar - you deserve it.

[D.J., who is eating a bowl of ice cream, notices Roseanne inching closer and closer toward him with her eyes on his ice cream, and quickly runs to another chair]

Dan:
You okay?

Roseanne:
[feebly] Yeah... yeah, I'm just... yeah, I'm gonna get a diet soda.

[As Roseanne goes to the refrigerator to get her soda and then returns to the family room, the following commercial plays:
]

Commercial Announcer:
This week only at the King's Table, our famous Surf 'N Turf Platter - a juicy 10-oz. char-broiled filet mignon, a 10-oz. Maine lobster tail with drawn butter, and steak fries or creamed spinach, all for only $8.99!

[Watching the commercial, Roseanne becomes more and more agitated, panting hungrily and taking long swigs of her diet soda. Dan watches her, worried]

Commercial Announcer:
At Bucky Burgers, our burgers are flame-broiled! Even the bacon we put on our cheeseburgers is flame-broiled, and we use real cheese, and all our buns are toasted! So bring the whole family to Bucky Burgers!

Commercial Announcer:
Come on, kids...

Roseanne:
I'M HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!! [flees into the kitchen]

Gary (to Dan):
Jackie tells me you and Roseanne have been together since right out of high school.

Dan:
Yeah, hard to believe. Twelve years of high school and you go out and do something completely stupid.

Roseanne:
(to Jackie who's complaining that her new boyfriend doesn't know the "real" her) Maybe it's because you're acting like Gidget on an aphrodisiac for the past three weeks.

Gary:
(talking about Jackie) She-she's fun. She's sexy and she's bright. She's a little crazy, too, but, ya know, that's okay with me 'cuz I could use a little crazy in my life.

Dan:
She can provide that.

[Becky, Darlene and Roseanne are going through bridal magazines]

Becky:
Hey, Dad, can't you see Aunt Jackie in one of these?

Dan:
I don't know, babe. I think Aunt Jackie's body might reject a white dress.

Roseanne:
[to Meg's dog, Jacques] C'mere, you little squirrel on a rope.

Jackie:
You know, cops got a saying: You never pull a dead man out of a seat belt.

Darlene:
What, you just leave them there?

Jackie:
Some cops do, I don't.

Roseanne:
I finally get some time off and I can't do a damned thing. The kids are in there eating canned spaghetti.

Dan:
Hey, they like canned spaghetti.

Roseanne:
Well, not for breakfast.

(Roseanne is acting goofy after being put on muscle relaxers}

Darlene:
Mom, did you fly through the windshield or something?

Roseanne:
No, but I'd like to try that someday.

Roseanne:
People like us, the poor people, and the people like us regular people are paying more taxes than the rich people because they got all these lawyers who find loopholes, I want loopholes. I mean, we're paying you guys our money anyway, and then you mishandle it worse than any of us ever could. And the government is like 3 trillion dollars in debt, I think I heard that on "Donahue." Can you imagine 3 trillion dollars in debt? That's like you make what $15,000 a year and then charge up your Master cards $50,000, and then you pay $5,000 monthly income. You know, people like us, we should get smart and audit them.

Dan:
(to Jackie) You're really gettin' on my nerves today, I mean more than usual.

Roseanne:
Next year, we're starting in June.

Dan:
Next year we ain't filing.

Roseanne:
We'll go to prison, of course I bet you don't have to file for prison.

Roseanne (to the IRS supervisor):
People cannot figure out your forms, that's why they gotta pay $200 an hour lawyers to figure them out for them. I can't afford $200 an hour.

[Dan and Becky are at the mall]

Becky:
Thanks for, you know, coming.

[they hug]

Becky:
I love you.

Dan:
Yeah, I know... And here's a 10 spot for saying so.

Dan:
So, who are these guys?

Becky:
The Splitting Headaches!

Dan:
And what's the name of this song?

Darlene:
Pounding!

Dan:
So, basically, we're listening to Pounding by The Splitting Headaches?

Roseanne:
Gone with the Wind was a book?

Roseanne (Singing) We ARe Family Becky:
Don't You Ever Touch my things again, Darlene Roseanne: (Continues singings) I got all my sisters and me Darlene: I'll touch it what I want.