Scrubs, Season 8

Denise:
You know, it's ironic that cancer starts with "can", because at this stage there's nothing we can do about it.

Dr. Maddox:
Hey, how come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?

Ted:
Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one in case I get really sad...

Dr. Maddox:
[uncomfortable] Well... see you tomorrow.

Ted:
We'll see...

Dr. Maddox:
Hi, I'm trying to keep non-medical personnel from coming back in here. I'm the chief of medicine.

Jordan:
I'm the chief of slag-smacking, so I'd keep moving if I were you.

Dr. Maddox:
That's clever.

Jordan:
That's funny, being clever's not how I got the job; smacking slags is.

J.D.:
[To Denise] I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.

Denise:
Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.

Mr. Harris:
Hell yeah, it does!

Denise:
Better, right?

J.D.:
No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.

J.D.:
It's like all of a sudden this hospital is a police state!

Elliot:
The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!

J.D.:
They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.

Elliot:
Really? Then why does Johann always let me...

J.D.:
Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.

Elliot:
Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.

Katie:
You know what's really driving me crazy? You keep acting like you know me.

Carla:
Don't bother with the sob story. I've heard it all before.

Katie:
Really? Because my dad died when I was six. To cope, my mom drank herself through most of my childhood. No one ever did anything for me-I had to do it all myself.

Carla:
[in a sympathetic tone] Oh, Katie...

Katie:
[choking up] I know.

Carla:
[suddenly harsh] Heard it! Me? Dead mom. J.D? Dead dad. Elliot? Emotionally abusive parents. Dr. Cox? Emotionally and physically abusive dead parents that he might have killed, no one's quite sure.

J.D.:
[voiceover] Finally, Ted said what we were all thinking.

Ted:
[to Kelso] Why are you spending your retirement in the place you used to work? It's so sad. By comparison, it almost makes my life seem... [pause] Aw! Still sad!

J.D.:
You're a much stronger person than you used to be. I've changed, too... I have a beard now.

Elliot:
How about you? Do you still let that voice in your head control you?

J.D:
[voiceover] This is getting too serious! Kick her! Kick her in the head! [out loud] Not so much.

J.D.:
I grew up on the street... No, not the hood. Sesame Street.

J.D.:
Dude, have you been having fantasies about Muppets all day too?

Turk:
No, I'm straight.

J.D.:
That's just un-called for.

Jordan:
Excuse me? Dr. Kelso, isn't it? I'm Jordan Sullivan.

Dr. Kelso:
What are you doing?

Jordan:
I'm introducing myself, because clearly anyone who would convince Perry not to take the Chief job has never met me.

Dr. Kelso:
That pansy-assed little tattletale!

Jordan:
Bob, so help me God, you fix this or I will grab you by your muffin top and stomp on your withering man-parts until your eyes pop out!

Dr. Kelso:
Twenty years ago I would have thrown you on this table and made love to you right here.

Jordan:
And I would have loved it!

[during surgery]

Turk:
Elliot, Todd and I are in the middle of teaching our interns how to do an appendectomy.

Elliot:
Oh please, you just cut it out and sew it up.

Turk:
[to assistants] She's right actually; finish up.

Elliot:
Look, Carla always says that making love with you is perfect...

Turk:
[to assistants] Yeah, she did!

Elliot:
...tell me, what makes it so special... I mean, she says that you even cry sometimes.

Turk:
[mortified] Thank you for sharing!

The Todd:
That's OK, T-Dog. If it doesn't hurt you're not doing it right.

[Janitor walks into Dr. Cox's new office with a framed picture]

Janitor:
So, where do you want me to hang it?

Dr. Cox:
Someone else's office?

Janitor:
You trying to keep me from doing my job? How would you like it if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they die?

Dr. Cox:
Doctors don't do that.

Janitor:
[smiles and winks] Look at you - sticking with the plan!

[Dr. Kelso walks into Dr. Cox's office as Dr. Cox is steadying a picture]

Dr. Kelso:
So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!

Dr. Cox:
What's with the lab coat, Bob?

Dr. Kelso:
Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.

Jack:
Janice, you have one ugly baby, seriously.

J.D.:
[to Dr. Cox] Did you teach your son to be mean to a baby?

Dr. Cox:
Not just any baby but your baby.

[Jack runs to Dr Cox and is scooped up]

Dr. Cox:
Come on, Jackie boy, let's go get you 10,000 jelly beans. [walks off with Jack]

[Sam looks upset]

J.D.:
[to Sam] I know; they can be so hurtful.

Ted:
I'm not what you would call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer. But that's only because I took the test in Alaska and they only have four laws, most of which are about when you can, or cannot, kill... seals.

Turk:
[to Dr. Cox] Have you seen J.D.?

Dr. Cox:
No, I have not. Would you like to know why? It's because he's not coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug monster you call a best friend.

Dr. Cox:
Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still sort of enjoy it.

Sunny:
You can call me Sunny. My dad nicknamed me that because I brighten up a room. Of course, in college I had a few dark years. My car was stolen, I had three-was it three? No, four-I had four abortions.

[Denise stares at her blankly]

Sunny:
I'm joking!

Denise:
I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.

[Sunny laughs]

Denise:
Why are you laughing?

Sunny:
Because I'm scared. I'm not that strong.

Dr. Kelso:
What do you want?

Janitor:
I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chestwhiskers, but it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.

Dr. Kelso:
What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.

Janitor:
You were there.

Dr. Kelso:
Excuse me. [holds a muffin to his ear] Hello? Ssh, he's standing right here!

Janitor:
Me?

Dr. Kelso:
I'll tell him. [to Janitor] My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.

Janitor:
Tell your muffin I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go!

Dr. Kelso:
No.

Janitor:
What is happening to me? [leaves, upset, just as Carla appears around the corner]

Carla:
[pats Kelso on the back] Nice job.

Dr. Cox:
Hey there, Zeltzer. Do you mind if my family and I eat with with you?

Dr. Zeltzer:
Not at all. I work such long hours that my wife and I hardly see each other anymore, so I installed this webcam so I can watch her during the day. Right now she's doing the dishes.

Dr. Cox:
Then who in God's name are those two naked people?

Dr. Zeltzer:
That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.

Dr. Cox:
[horrified] Get the hell out of here!

Lady:
I want to thank you for dinner last night. I've eaten by candlelight before, but never by firefly-light.

Janitor:
Yeah, it was hard to get them all into jugs, but I thought it was worth it. [clasping her hand] So, what do you want do do tonight?

Lady:
[letting go] I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?

Janitor:
Um, sure, I'm, uh, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Like teenage girls say: "whatever!" We're cool.

Lady:
I'll call you. [leaves]

Dr. Cox:
Hey Janitor, rock solid relationship there!

Jordan:
You know, there's nothing like looking into someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye, hope!

Janitor:
Everything is fine between me and Lady. Excuse me for not having a relationship that's based on jet-black hate.

Jordan:
We don't hate each other. At least we can hold hands. [notices Cox's wedding ring] Wait, what's this? Is that a wedding ring?

Janitor:
You're just noticing now? He's been wearing it for months.

Dr. Cox:
Gotta go!

Carla:
[to Turk] If we do hook up tonight, for once, you won't be the only one thinking about J.D.

Turk:
Derek, can you give Denise's patient a therocentesis and get that fluid out of there?

Derek:
Surgery to the rescue! [to Denise] You are welcome.

Denise:
Awww, that's adorable: you have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, because the guy you're in love with is a douche.

Elliot:
[To Turk] You know, I never answered your question earlier about whether you and I will always be doctors: you will. You have this amazing ability to find joy in everything you do. Whether it's an operation you've done a hundred times, or even teaching. But as for me, I know you think it was a big victory figuring out what was wrong with Robyn, but those moments are kind of like eating a piece of chocolate. I enjoy the satisfaction for about ten seconds, and then it's gone. See, the thing that sticks with me, is the look of anguish on a patients face when I give them crappy news. I hold on to that forever. You're a surgeon: you occasionally get to fix people, but I figure out whats wrong with someone and then most the time I can't do anything about it; I just wish them luck dealing with it, or try to keep them alive for a while longer. So, you wanna know if I'll always be a doctor? I'd have to say, I don't know. I'm a doctor now, I will be tomorrow, but I can tell you that, if I'm ever lucky enough to get married, to have some kids, to maybe not need the money... I think I'd walk out of here and never look back.

J.D.:
Then we saw where the Todd got it from. His old professor was the best high-fiver in the world.

[Professor high-fives Todd and the earth shakes]

J.D.:
Then we'd all have sex to celebrate surviving.

[Van is speaking during the Janitor and Lady's wedding ceremony]

Van:
Marriage is a dead institution. It hasn't worked for me, it hasn't worked for anybody in my family, but there are certain signposts you can follow, you know, to try and make the best of it. Try not to yell at each other, that's always a great idea. Don't share any money; always sound, sound advice. Never strike each other above the shoulders: from here down, from here down for hitting...Don't share cars. You're gonna find that it always has the other person's stink on it. You can't get that stuff off your shirt, you're gonna live with it for the rest of your life, you don't want it when you're driving to work.

[Janitor saying his vows to Lady]

Janitor:
[clears throat] I just wanna say somethin' before we kiss, okay? [to guests] And thanks for coming even though I didn't want you here. [To Lady] Uh, I know that I'm weird, but uh, ya know, you'd be weird too, if your mother aged backwards, like mine did. So the thing is that I always kind of... figured that I would end up alone. And then you came along.

Lady:
Mmhmm?

Janitor:
And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them. And uh, I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you, for that. But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it.

Lady:
I love you too. [Janitor and Lady kiss]

J.D.:
[narration] And right then we all realised the value of the romantic gesture, from one person who loves someone, to another.

J.D.:
Look, Elliot, I don't know if its possible to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk.

Elliot:
[touched] Oh, my God.

J.D.:
I know, that's even hard for me to say, but it's true.

Sean:
We hit a bit of a speed bump when I found out Sam was your son.

Kim:
Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market.

Sean:
It's not fair that we still have to be in each other's lives.

J.D.:
I know, but I also know that the girls aren't going to let up until we make peace. So, what do you say we change the tone a little bit and both say something nice about each other? I'll go first. Look at you. There's no way around it: you're a beautiful man.

Sean:
Thank you, J.D.

J.D.:
Now you go.

Sean:
I never agreed to that.

J.D.:
Beautiful son of a bitch!

Carla:
I'm just saying, the only time you guys haven't been together was our honeymoon.

[Turk and J.D. exchange guilty looks]

Carla:
What?

J.D.:
It's time.

Turk:
No!

J.D.:
Yes!

Turk:
Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.

J.D.:
He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?

Jordan:
[to Ted] So, sweat-stain, how are things with your girlfriend now that you're roomies?

Ted:
Oh, we're having sex like crazy.

[Everyone at the table gags]

Ted:
Why do you react that way when you picture me having sex?

Dr. Kelso:
Well, you try it!

Ted:
[thinks, makes a horrified face] OH MY GOD!

Dr. Kelso:
Not a pretty picture, is it?

Sunny:
He's finally gone. Talk about making a big deal over nothing, you know. I mean, Dr. Dorian was fine, but he was no better than any other doctor.

Cox:
For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. [J.D. quietly walks behind him] John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is...he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend.

J.D.:
[overjoyed] Thank you, God. That was beautiful.

Cox:
[mortified] Oh, God, no.

J.D.:
It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in. [He hugs Cox and sighs happily] You smell like a father figure.

Cox:
Oh, please stop.

J.D.:
[breaking away] Great job, Sunny. You said your line perfectly.

Sunny:
Thanks, I worked on it.

J.D.:
I knew that would set you off. Good night, best friend. [He leaves] He thinks I'm an exceptional-[hits the doorway with his hands] ow!-person!

Cox:
You realize that even though he gets to leave, you have to stay?

Sunny:
I didn't think that out.

Cox:
[menacingly] No [pause], you didn't.

J.D.:
I guess it's because we all want to believe that what we do is important, that people hang on our every word, that they care what we think. But the truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better.

J.D.:
[After fantasizing about the future] And who's to say this isn't what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won't come true? Just this once...