Sea Patrol, Season One (2007)

Mike:
What's happening, Buffer?

Buffer:
They're still looking for a tube, sir.

Mike:
(Looks thoughtful.) Tell X she's got a pistol. Use it.

Buffer:
You want him to shoot her?

Mike:
Tell X to break down her Browning, remove the 9-millimetre barrel, use it as a tube. Over.

Buffer:
Got it.

Mike:
(Chuckles.) Shoot her.

Nav:
Well, that's one way of ending a crisis.

Jaffah:
It's freezing.

ET:
No it's not. We're too close to the equator.

Jaffah:
Do we have any sharks in these waters?

ET:
No. The saltwater crocodiles scare 'em away.

Jaffah:
Crocodiles?

ET:
I'm joking.

Mike:
Enjoying yourself, X?

Kate:
Driving a patrol boat is very different to a frigate.

Nav:
Ha! Yeah, different as! Like a V8 and a schoolbus.

Mike:
You're a westie petrolhead, Nav.

'Mike:
"The more you do it the more you like it"

Alicia:
The gunner is there because...?

Kate:
In case of sharks.

Buffer:
Oh, I wouldn't concern yourself, ma'am. No self respecting shark would eat him.

Nav:
But if one just snacked on him a little, might do the women of the world a favour.

Mike:
Nav, mark the buoy's position on radar.

Nav:
It's already marked, sir.

Mike:
Just once I'd like to get in ahead of you,

Nav:
(Laughs.) In your dreams, sir.

Mike:
And he's under the impression that you're Wonder Woman.

Kate:
Oh, you didn't already know that?

[Spider and Kate are talking about Jaffa after he's been stung.]

Kate:
Buffer? Two men to stay on board.

Buffer:
ET. Jaffah. Good experience for him, ma’am.

Kate:
Yeah, well, four weeks is a long time in the navy, I guess.

Mike:
Uh, look, Kate. I haven’t had a chance to talk with you privately since you joined us.

Kate:
No.

Mike:
When we last met, on the course, I never expected we’d end up on the same ship, you being a big ship sort of person and me being wedded to patrol boats.

Kate:
Yes, you’re right. I am a big ship sort of person.

Mike:
Well, Hammersley has only got six months left in her, so...

Kate:
As for anything else that may have happened between us, I’m sure two professionals can work together. Sir?

Mike:
Yes. I’m sure.

Mike:
Seaman Webb?

[Spider jumps up.]

Mike:
Stay where you are. How are you feeling?

Spider:
Um, fine, sir.

Mike:
That’s interesting. You look like death warmed up.

Spider:
That’s actually how I feel, sir.

Mike:
First time away from home?

Spider:
Yeah.

Mike:
I know how it feels. Lying in this same rack, thinking about Mum’s roast dinners.

Spider:
This was once your rack, was it, sir?

Mike:
Carved my initials in there somewhere. I understand you did very well today on your first boarding party.

Spider:
Yeah.

Mike:
Keep it up.

Spider:
Thank you, sir.

Chefo:
Word is you haven't been saluting the ship's mascot.

Spider:
I'm supposed to salute it? Who is he?

Chefo:
It's Thor - the thunder god.

Spider:
Oh, my mum wouldn't like me saluting him then. We're Presbyterian.

Buffer:
Don’t listen to him, Spider.

Spider:
Oh, my name’s Billy. Billy Webb.

Chefo:
Yeah, that’s right. Spider Webb.

Spider:
No, I had that all through school. I joined the navy to get away from it all.

Buffer:
Good luck with that, Spider.

Buffer:
Spider, take these smokes. Don’t give them back to me no matter what I say.

Chefo:
You giving up again are you, Buffer?

Buffer:
Looks that way, Chefo.

Chefo:
Sorry, Galley's closed. I'm off to save the world!

Jaffah:
Where the hell’s Hammersley?

ET:
They might have forgotten about you, Jaff. But there’s no way they’re not coming back for me.

Jaffah:
You reckon the X and Nav both want your body, don’t you?

ET:
Oh, that’d be the natural order of things, yeah.

Mike:
[Yelling down the stairwell.] RO!

RO:
[Appearing around the corner.] There’s such a thing as a pipe sir.

Mike:
Keep trying to raise ET and Jaffah.

RO:
As I was doing when you shouted, sir.

Buffer:
You got my smokes?

Spider:
Eh?

Buffer:
My smokes. You got ‘em?

Spider:
You said not to given them to you.

Buffer:
That was then, this is now.

Spider:
Yeah, but you said even if you asked.

Buffer:
Spider, I’m a gentle man. Don’t tempt me to violence.

Spider:
I can’t. I swapped ‘em for some crabs.

Buffer:
You what?

Spider:
I told you on the island, I met those fishermen.

Buffer:
And you gave them my smokes?

Spider:
Yeah, it was a pretty good deal. [Buffer looks at him.] Sorry, sir.

Buffer:
Don’t call me ‘sir’, I work for a living.

Spider:
Sorry, Buffer. [Pause.] What happens if we don’t find them? (ET and Jaffah.)

Buffer:
We’ll find them.

Spider:
Yeah, but what if we don’t?

Buffer:
We keep looking.

Spider:
How long do we keep looking?

Buffer:
Until we find them.

[Buffer is tapping on his legs, irritating everyone.]

Chefo:
You know, I’m all for giving up the smokes, Buff. But on the other hand... maybe you should start again.

Spider:
Buff, I’ve got some chewy here.

Buffer:
Give it here.

Chefo:
So, ET, who set the FFV alight? You or Jaff?

ET:
Jaff.

Chefo:
Yeah, that figures. I picked him for an arsonist the moment he came on board.

Mike:
But I think we can put that other thing behind us.

Kate:
Other thing? Yeah, that’s what I’d call it. “Other thing.”

Mike:
You’ve been on Hammersley now...?

Kate:
48 hours, sir.

Mike:
Welcome aboard.

Kate:
She strikes me as the sort of woman who relates better to men then to other women.

Mike:
That’s a crime now?

Kate:
She looks for the alpha male and she concentrates on him and everyone else is invisible.

Mike:
I’m the alpha male?

Kate:
[Chuckles.] Oh, and don’t you know it.

Mike:
[About Kate.] Good officer. She’ll make a good CO one day. Still has some things to learn, of course.

Steve:
Well, that’s why the brass in Canberra posted her to you.

Mike:
I thought it might be to teach me a few things.

Steve:
Well, maybe somebody thought you could use a bit of system management and Lieutenant McGregor could use a bit of pirate.

Mike:
I see.

Steve:
Look, nothing personal, Mike, but if you want to dabble in these grey areas, don’t be surprised if Canberra sends a bit of black and white

Spider:
I mean, how cool is that? I fully thought the dude’s brother was dead as well. You know, she was very, very convincing.

Buffer:
So that’s how she got him to give up the drug bosses?

Spider:
Yeah, but it was cooler than that. I mean, like, when he went for her, she fully did this combat action stuff and just got him down, handcuffed him straight away. It was amazing.

[Buffer just stares at him.]

Chefo:
Wow, sit sounds like the X has a fan.

Spider:
No, she just could’ve saved our lives, that’s all.

Chefo:
It’s alright, Spider. I remember my first crush too.

Spider:
I don’t like her, Chefo.

Chefo:
It’s only natural. She’s a woman, and you’ll be a man one day.

Spider:
Chefo, I don’t like her.

Chefo:
It’s not what the evidence points to, Spide.

Spider:
[Leaving.] You suck.

Buffer:
Hey, Spide.

Spider:
What?

Buffer:
You did well out there.

Spider:
Thanks. [To Chefo.] You suck.

Spider:
I think it's a ghost ship.

Buffer:
It's a catamaran, you idiot.

RO:
A man goes yachting to get away from his wife. Well, if he’s gonna call her every day, he might as well stay at home. (Leaves.)

Nav:
Future Mrs Robert Dixon’s gonna be one lucky girl.

[Mike chuckles.]

Kate:
Sir, four elephants and a giraffe could’ve gone over in that storm, we’d never know.

Mike:
I think we can safely not bother looking for any elephants. The giraffe on the other hand…

Mike:
[Observing Bright Island.] Feds?

Buffer:
Looks like it, sir.

Mike:
I dropped off two agents, but I can see another six. What the hell are they doing?

Buffer:
Breeding, sir?

Mike:
What do you do when a federal agent tell you not to worry, Buff?

Buffer:
[Chuckles.] Worry like hell, sir.

Chefo:
Hey, guys, guys what Spider’s just done.

Buffer:
Chefo, as you can see, we’re playing a game here, and every time you interrupt, I lose concentration and Swaino wins.

Chefo:
I’m sorry, Buff. You’re gonna want to hear this. You remember the blood you found on the catamaran?

Swain:
Spider found it, yeah.

Chefo:
Yeah. Well, it was evidence, and Spider, the tool, just cleaned it up.

Swain:
He what?

Chefo:
Yeah. X is fuming. Apparently it was the only thing to prove Jackson’s lying.

Buffer:
Good one, Spider.

Swain:
Mate, glad he’s in your division. It’s gonna be messy.

Chefo:
I’d better go. Don’t want to miss the fun.

Swain:
I win, by the way.

Buffer:
I’m gonna kill Chefo.

[After Mike tackles Chefo to the ground in a game of rugby.]

Chefo:
I thought we were playing touch!

Mike:
Yeah, we are. You’re touched.

[Spider and Kate are talking about Jaffa after he's been stung.]

Spider:
They're going to be ok aren't they? Right? X?

Kate:
I don't know Spider, I'm not a doctor.

Spider:
But it's just a jellyfish sting.

Kate:
Well, severe Irukandji syndrome can be fatal. I've got to get back to the bridge. If there is any change in his condition get Swain immediately. Understood?

Spider:
Yes Sir... [Kate gives him a look.] Um, ma'am.

Jaffah:
Hey, Buff. What’s your favourite Star Wars quote?

Buffer:
What?

Spider:
Jaffah’s specialty subject.

Buffer:
[Opens a cupboard. Mutters.] Where the hell...?

Jaffah:
Chewbacca. Am I right?

Kate:
You seem like a discerning kind of guy.

RO:
Oh, thank you, ma’am. I like to think so.

Kate:
Hmm. I’m curious. Have you ever had any restaurant experience?

RO:
[Smugly.] I did happen to work for a couple of months in a Darlinghurst cafe.

Kate:
Oh! That’s perfect.

RO:
Why?

Kate:
You’ve just volunteered for galley duty. I want you to prepare dinner for the crew. Nothing too elaborate

RO:
It’s disgusting in there!

Kate:
And don’t forget our guests.

RO:
Three months working in a cafe in Darlinghurst doesn’t qualify me to feed these morons.

[After a severe reaction to Irukandji, Cheofo wakes up.]

Swain:
Toby? Toby, what’s wrong, mate? [Chefo opens his eyes.] Tobes?

Chefo:
[Sniffs.] Who’s in my galley?

Kate:
[Watching Mike go to Bright Island.] Now I know why he wanted to go himself.

Nav:
Hmm? [Looks through her binoculars. It’s Ursula Morrell.] Oh, he knew it was her all along. Naughty Mike.

[During an awkward silence.]

Nav:
Chefo’s excelled himself tonight. The scran’s really good.

Ursula:
Scran?

Nav:
Uh...

Mike:
[Interrupting.] Stuff.

Nav:
Stuff Cooked by the Royal Australian Navy.

Ursula:
I see.

Kate:
Don’t let that put you off.

Mike:
X, aren’t you officer of the watch this evening?

Kate:
Yes. I’m sorry, sir. I was enjoying myself so much, I almost forgot I had somewhere else to be. Please excuse me.

Ursula:
She’s a bit lemon-lipped, isn’t she?

Mike:
Please don’t take it personally. The XO hates to see an ice boat get away. She’s extremely dedicated.

[Nav grins a little.]

Charge:
[Snatching the ultrasound.] Gimme. [Rotates it a few times.] Where’s the nipper?

Swain:
[Pointing.] There. Head, arm, leg, ten cute little toes.

Charge:
Looks like a frog.

Swain:
It’s not a frog! It’s my gorgeous baby!

Charge:
Which explains why it looks like a frog.

[Kate, ET and Spider are dressed up to go undercover.]

Nav:
Oh, you look fabulous!

Kate:
I would like to thank my personal stylist, Lieutenant Commander Mike Flynn, for the loan of his very favourite fishing shirt.

Mike:
Black eye adds a degree of authenticity to the ensemble. Don’t you think?

[Nav laughs at ET.]

ET:
Ease off, Nav. I didn’t volunteer for this gig.

Mike:
No, you're there because you failed to keep an eye on David.

Spider:
Yeah, believe me, ET. No one volunteered for this gig.

[Nav keeps laughing.]

[The crew are picking fish up off the deck after a storm.]

ET:
[Grabs a fish Buffer had picked up.] Oh! Buffer! You kiss me! Kiss me!

Buffer:
Unlike some of us, ET, I’ve got standards.

Chefo:
I reckon that Buffer’s a one-fish kind of guy.

Buffer:
Righto, you lot! I want these uppers clear for a freshwater washdown! Spider, you’re in charge!

Spider:
Yes, Buff!

[They continue to throw fish over the side.]

Spider:
That storm in the night sure made a mess. You ever seen it blow as big, ET?

ET:
Mate, I slept like a baby. Didn’t feel a thing. Don't know what you’re talking about.

Spider:
You're pulling my chain, right? The waves were massive. They were at least 20 metres.

[ET laughs.]

Chefo:
20 metres, hey, Spide? You sure you weren’t asleep too?

[RO is collecting fish from the top of the mast.]

RO:
Squid for breakfast! [He throws a squid down.] Looks like we did some illegal fishing in that storm.

Spider:
[Laughs.] You were saying?

RO:
I believe you, Spider. How else did we get all this seafood up here?

Mike:
We’ll need to record the container’s serial number before we decide what to do with it. Who’s up for a recce? It’ll mean one of you in the drink.

[ET points at RO, who frowns. They play a quick game of paper-scissors-rock, ET throws scissors, RO throws paper.]

Mike:
Suit up, RO. [Ro brushes past him.] He always goes paper.

Nav:
Roger Romeo2, we might have to sink it. Over.

ET:
Wow, what about the Maritime salvaging rights, there might be a ferrari in this thing.

Nav:
And who's gonna drive it back to base, Romeo? You?

Chefo:
Alright. I’m taking bets to see how many rounds it’ll take. My money’s on a single shot.

Spider:
One shot for me.

Chefo:
Trust the Spider.

Nav:
I vote for three. I think you boys might miss the first couple.

Chefo:
Whoo. Nav doesn’t think much of our gunnery skills.

Mike:
Let’s focus on the job at hand.

Nav:
Sorry, boss.

Mike:
If the navy permitted a wager... I’d bet on two rounds of the 50-cal.

Buffer:
I’m with you, sir.

Fisherman:
Hey Spider, is that you, mate? How are you going? How are those crabs we gave you?

[There is an awkward pause. Chefo sniggering in background.]

Spider:
[Defensively.] They're talking about seafood. They gave me some crabs on Bright Island!

[Whole Crew laughs.]

Spider:
Chefo, tell them about the crabs in the freezer.

Chefo:
I don't know what you're talking about, mate.

Swain:
You did a terrible job wrapping this, mate!

RO:
Well, I only had one arm!

Kate:
[About Robert Dixon] For a communicator he's strangely uncommunicative.

[While Clair is talking.]

Spider:
Do you know what she’s talking about, Buff?

Buffer:
[Behind his hand.] I have no idea, but I sure do like the cut of her jib.

Mike:
What have we got, Chefo?

Chefo:
The usual, boss. Plus Spider’s famous Bright Island crabs in hoisin sauce and calamari marinated in garlic and ginger.

Spider:
Yeah, try the crabs, sir. The calamari’s not half bad either. Where’d you get it, Chefo?

Chefo:
You remember the one we caught up our mast. :[Winks at Mike.]

[Spider goes to spit out the squid.]

Mike:
Think I’ll have a snag.

Clair[talking about Hammersley] It's really old!

Nav:
Present company excluded.

Mike:
Charming Nav.

Clair:
Thank you! Thank you for everything!

[All the guys shout farewells.]

Kate:
[With a wave.] Crash into a reef.

Nav:
[Also waving.] Get eaten by a shark.

Smith:
What are you girls up to?

Nav:
Nothing.

Kate:
[At the same time.] Web check.

[They look at each other.]

Kate:
Nothing.

Nav:
[At the same time.] Web Check.

Kate:
Hello, sailors. How are you both feeling?

Spider:
Oh, much better, thank you, ma’am.

Buffer:
X, I am so hungry, I could eat the sleep out of a cow’s eye.

ET:
Well, that’s good, mate, ‘cause I think Chefo just ordered for you.

Chefo:
That’s right. I’ve got crabs if you boys want ‘em. That’s not what I meant. That is... I’m out of here.

Nav:
I reckon they'd call it the rescue complex.

ET:
So what, you're saying she needed to be rescued?

Nav:
The rescue complex refers to the one doing the rescuing. You seemed pretty keen to wanna rescue her. [ET tries to speak] Glad she didn't shoot you though. Well, maybe glad is to strong a word.

Spider:
[On a tape of Chefo’s engagement drinks, pretending to be the X.] Chefo, you big spunk. I’m spewing you’re engaged. Because you’re a very, very able seaman.

Chefo:
Thanks for noticing, X!

Spider:
If I wasn’t such a... ice queen who only cares about her career I reckon... I might have babies with you.

Boy:
Why do you hate Spider?

Kate:
Because he has been a very naughty boy.

Nav:
Think like a little boy again.

ET:
I never stopped.

Spider:
Ma'am. Does this make us square now?

Kate:
Not quite Spider. Not quite.

Spider:
How are we gonna get him back?

Buffer:
Sir will just ask nice and polite and they’ll send him over on a line.

Chefo:
And if Spicy Donger says no, we storm the boat and tear their heads off.

Spider:
Buff, look.

Buffer:
They’ve got him in hotpants.

Chefo:
They’ll pay. Oh, they’ll pay big time.

Charge:
Might have to shut down a few systems. We’ll start with the sewerage. Anyone who needs to go, go now.

ET:
My ex-girlfriend is pregnant. I only just found out about it. We'd been broken up for ages but we bumped into each other a couple of months ago

Nav:
You obviously did more than bump into her.

Spider:
My Mum always said I had big ears

ET:
I don't think that was a compliment, Spider...

ET:
Don’t know about you, boss, but I’m starting to feel like someone’s appetiser.

Mike:
Come on, ET. You’re a main course at least.

ET:
Hey, Charge. Charge! Look at this. This is our own pirate.

Charge:
Arr, ahoy there, me hearties. I’ll be eating your liver with a spoon.

Girl:
Nup.

Boy:
You’re not as good as Jack Sparrow,.

ET:
Not at all.

'[[Nav shakes her head.]

Charge:
Well, did my best. Tough crowd.

Swain:
[Holding an ultrasound picture.] Hey, what do you reckon?

Buffer:
Definitely looks like a peanut, Swaino.

Nav:
Ursula Morrell, hey? She’s got a hell of a lot to answer for.

Kate:
He doesn’t think she’s involved.

Nav:
Yes, well, I wonder which part of his anatomy is making that judgement.

Chefo:
I'm only going to give this advice once. Do not throw up in your mask.

ET:
Hey, Ro, any news on Swaino’s missus?

RO:
Yeah. Yeah, I got an email about 20 minutes ago. [Walks off.]

ET & Nav:
[Calling after him.] And?

Buffer:
Misty found my conversation inspiring.

Swain:
Misty? [He grabs the piece of paper Buffer is holding.] Misty was that blonde you were talking to at the bar last night?

Charge:
Name like ‘Misty’, she’s either a stripper or a whale-watcher.

Swain:
Or both.

Charge:
Possibly both.

Buffer:
Hey, hey, I finally get a woman interested and I’m gonna die inhaling some deadly toxin.

Charge:
Toxin, perfume – same result.

Buffer:
Yeah, I’d like to see how these guys handle this toxin when I feed it to them.

Swain:
Oh, gentlemen, company.

[They all stand up when Martina Royce enters.]

Martina:
Uh, hi. I agree with you completely. [Sticking out her hand.] Martina.

Buffer:
Buffer. Peter.

Charge:
[Clears his throat.] You’ll have to excuse us, Martina. Peter’s watch is about to start, and I need to give my boys some information.

Martina:
Understood. We’re relying on you boys to find this ship.

Swain:
Oh, ma’am, if anyone can sniff it out, it’s the CO.

Martina:
[Picking up Buffer’s email.] Oh, uh, I look forward to hearing some of your inspiring conversation.

Buffer:
Ma’am.

Swain:
Must be your pheromones, mate.

Buffer:
What?

Swain:
Exactly.

Martina:
I never seem to be home.

Kate:
What does your boyfriend think of that?

Martina:
Hates it. Won’t sleep with me the first three nights back. Demands expensive sashimi. [Kate looks at her.] He’s a Siamese.

Buffer:
Nice of you to join us, Spider. Hurry up and get your antiflash gear on. Chefo can’t operate that 50-cal in his own.

Spider:
Sorry, Buff!

Chefo:
You heard the man! Smurf up!

Buffer:
Ma’am.

Martina:
Just wanted to thank you for looking after me.

Buffer:
Well, you didn’t need much looking after, ma’am. You handled those seas like a veteran.

Martina:
Well, um, thanks, anyway.

Buffer:
No trouble.

Martina:
Well, take care.

Buffer:
Yeah, you too.

[They shake hands. Martina walks past him.]

Buffer:
Ma’am? [She stops.] Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Martina:
Yeah, that would be great. Um, how about Wednesday?

Buffer:
Wednesday’s good.

Martina:
Great, well, I’ll give you my card.

Buffer:
Thank you. May I escort you off the ship?

Martina:
Sure.

Mike:
I’ll come to the hospital tonight, soon as I get this sorted.

Kate:
There’s no need. You heard – it’s a superficial wound. I need to get sleep. You’ll be otherwise engaged anyway.

Mike:
Then I’ll see you tomorrow.

[Kate walks past him onto the pier.]

Kate:
Milk chocolate. Not dark.

Mike:
There is nothing I value more than honesty, courage and a good throat ripping debate