Seinfeld, Season 2

Kramer:
[about his cantaloupe] Forty-nine cents a pound. That's practically half than what you're paying at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's.

Jerry:
It's too far.

Kramer:
It's three blocks further. You can use my shopping cart.

Jerry:
I'm not pulling a shopping cart. What am I suppose to wear? A kerchief? Put stockings on and roll 'em down below my knee?

Kramer:
See, the other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.

Jerry:
I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in.

Jerry:
The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. 'Cause it says "Waiting Room." There's no chance of not waiting. 'Cause they call it the waiting room, they're gonna use it. They've got it. It's all set up for you to wait. And you sit there, you know, and you've got your little magazine. You pretend you're reading it, but you're really looking at the other people. You know, you're thinking about them. Things like, "I wonder what he's got. As soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine." And then, they finally call you and it's a very exciting moment. They finally call you, and you stand up and you kinda look around at the other people in the room. "Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later." You know, so you think you're going to see the doctor, but you're not, are you? No. You're going into the next waiting room - the littler waiting room. But if they are, you know, doing some sort of medical thing to you, you want to be in the smallest room that they have, I think. You don't want to be in the largest room that they have. You know what I mean? You ever see these operating theatres that they have, with like, stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything to you that makes other doctors go, "I have to see this! Are you kidding? Are they really gonna do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?" Do they scalp tickets to these things? "I got two for the Winslow tumor, I got two…"

George:
You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.

Jerry:
I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense...am I wrong?

Jerry:
This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence. Like tonight, I might've been a little nervous. But, inside this jacket, I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.

George:
Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.

Jerry:
Absolutely.

George:
It's fabulous.

Jerry:
I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time? I don't understand it. When it's raining do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in, we're all wearing leather. Open the door! We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here!" "Is it suede?" "I am suede, the whole thing is suede, I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got!"

Jerry:
The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people - where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda, we have soda, we have soda", jumping, laughing, flying through the air - it's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact same product that they're advertising right there on TV, and it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I'm standing there - "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."

Jerry:
I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to I could go "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. You get mad at somebody on a cordless phone - "You can't talk to me like that!" [Mimes fiddly button-pressing] "I told him!"

George:
[about Elaine taking the apartment above Jerry] How could you do that?

Jerry:
'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect - I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.

George:
Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.

Jerry:
Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?

George:
Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?

Jerry:
She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.

George:
You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.

Jerry:
But I need the home bed advantage!

George:
Of course, we all do.

Jerry:
You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This (pointing to himself) is an idiot.

George:
Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex, and floor seats for every sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect, for I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.

Roxanne:
[yelling out the window to the marathon runners] You're all winners!

George:
But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.

George:
When I was ten years old, my parents had this very same statue on the mantle of our apartment. Exactly, and, one day, I grabbed it, and I was using it as a microphone. I was singing, "MacArthur Park", and I got to the part about, "I'll never have that recipe again," and it slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day, they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.

Kramer:
Police! Open up!

Ray:
Police? [Opens the door a crack - Kramer barges in like a cop. He forces Ray against the wall]

Kramer:
Freeze, mother!

Ray:
Hey..

[Kramer shoves him roughly against the wall]

Kramer:
Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! [Looks around] You're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.. and uh, uh.. murder.

Ray:
Murder?!

[Kramer shoves him against the wall]

Kramer:
Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!

Ray:
I think you have me confused with somebody else.

Kramer:
Is your name Ray?

Ray:
Yeah.

Kramer:
Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for. [Grabs the statue from the mantle, and puts it in his bag]

Ray:
Hey, hey, are you a cop?

Kramer:
Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?

Ray:
Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.

Kramer:
Good. Good. Let's keep it that way.

George:
Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.

Jerry:
Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.

George:
What about that?

Jerry:
Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.

George:
Well, that's really not fair.

Elaine:
So I'm going to a nudist colony next week.

Rick:
Nudist colony?

Elaine:
Oh yeah, yeah I love nudist colonies. They help me unwind.

Rick:
I've never been to one.

Elaine:
Oh really? You should go; they're great! Except when they're over it's hard to get used to clothes, so sometimes when I'm in my office I just sit there naked.

Rick:
Really?

Elaine:
Oh yeah, I usually sit around naked a couple hours a day. I cook naked, I clean naked, I drive naked, naked, naked, naked!

Rick:
Who are you!?

Elaine:
Trust me mister, you don't wanna know.

Jerry:
[after the doctor tells him George did not have a heart attack] Oh, and.. do you think it would be alright if I called Susan Davis?

George:
Susan Davis? Hey, wait a second..

Jerry:
Well, it's not like we'd be bumping into you.

George:
I don't know.. you and Susan Davis?

Jerry:
You know, if your future was a little more certain..

George:
Okay, go ahead. Call her, get married, have babies, have a great life.. What do I care? I'm finished. It's all over for me. In fact, let's end it right now. Jerry, kill me, kill me now. I'm begging you. Let's just get it over with. Be a pal.. Just take the pillow and put it over my face.

Jerry:
Well, ah.. [Takes his pillow] What? Kind of like this? [Violently smothers George with the pillow. George freaks out.]

George:
What are ya doing?! Whadya, crazy?!

[Elaine enters and sees Jerry's jokingly trying to kill George]

Elaine:
Jerry!

Jerry:
[pretending to panicked] Elaine, what are you doing here?

Tor:
No. You know, I am not a businessman. I'm a holistic healer. It's a calling, it's a gift. You see, it's in the best interest of the medical profession that you remain sick. You see, that insures good business. You're not a patient. You're a customer.

Jerry:
And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.

Jerry:
Why shouldn't we be able to do that once in a while if we want to?

Elaine:
I know.

Jerry:
I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. [Points to the bedroom] We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.

Elaine:
It's almost stupid if we didn't.

Jerry:
It's moronic.

Elaine:
Absurd!

Jerry:
Of course, I guess, maybe, some little problems could arise.

Elaine:
Well, there are always a few.

Jerry:
I mean, if anything happened, and we couldn't be friends the way we are now, that would be really bad.

Elaine:
Devastating.

Jerry:
Because this is very good. [Points back and forth between them to indicate friendship]

Elaine:
And that would be good. [Points to bedroom]

Jerry:
That would be good too. The idea is combine the this and the that. But this cannot be disturbed.

Elaine:
Yeah, we just wanna take this and add that.

Jerry:
But of course, we'd have to figure out a way to avoid the things that cause the little problems. Maybe some rules or something.

Elaine:
Huh.

Jerry:
For example, now, I call you whenever I'm inclined and vice versa.

Elaine:
Right.

Jerry:
But if we did that, we might feel a certain obligation to call.

Elaine:
Well why should that be? Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. No call the day after that.

Jerry:
Beautiful. Let's make it a rule.

Elaine:
All right, sir.

Jerry:
Now here's another little rule. When we see each other now, we retire to our separate quarters. But sometimes, when people get involved with that, they feel pressure to sleep over. When that is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.

Elaine:
Okay, okay. Spending the night is optional!

Jerry:
Well now we're gettin' somewhere.

Jerry:
So how's the job situation goin'?

George:
Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?

Jerry:
Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.

George:
[stunned] Oxygen! I need some oxygen! This is major!

Jerry:
I thought you'd like that.

George:
Oh, this is huge!

Jerry:
I know.

George:
All right, okay. Let's go, details.

Jerry:
No, I can't do details.

George:
You what?

Jerry:
I can't give details.

George:
No details?

Jerry:
I'm not in the mood.

George:
You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!

Jerry:
Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.

Elaine:
What do you wanna know?

Jerry:
Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?

Elaine:
Rarely.

George:
Every woman on the face of the Earth has complete control of my life and yet, I want them all. Is that irony?

Elaine:
Ya know, its not fair people are seated First Come First Served, It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.

Jerry:
I'll tell you what, there's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.

Elaine:
What do you mean?

Jerry:
You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks.

George:
What are they gonna do?

Jerry:
They won't do anything; in fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

Elaine:
50 bucks, you'll give me 50 bucks?

Jerry:
50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.

Elaine:
OK, I don't wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something...

Jerry:
No, no tricks.

Elaine:
Should I do it, George?

George:
For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.

Jerry:
So what happened with Tatiana?

George:
I shouldn't even tell you this.

Jerry:
Come on...

George:
Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.

Jerry:
I'm with you.

George:
Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending...intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily...extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need.

Jerry:
This could only happen to you.

George:
So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".

Jerry:
You said this to her after.

George:
No. During.

Jerry:
Oh, boy.

George:
Yeah.

Jerry:
Wow! So...?

George:
So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal.

Jerry:
I think the busboy's in trouble.

George:
Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?

Elaine:
I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.

Jerry:
[casually] I didn't say anything.

Elaine:
I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold metal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.