South Park, Season 12

Liane:
Wake up. Wake up, honey.

Cartman:
It's over?

Liane:
That's right, you did it.

Cartman:
It's over. I didn't feel anything. You were right, Mom.

Liane:
I'm so proud of you, Eric.

Cartman:
All right, so where's my ice cream?

Liane:
Oh. Here's the doctor now. Hi, doctor.

Cartman:
You were right, doctor. Everything is okay.

Doctor:
No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.

Liane:
[shocked] What?!

Cartman:
What's that supposed to mean?

Doctor:
During the tonsil surgery, we had to supply you with donor blood, a mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke.

Cartman:
I have AIDS?!

Doctor:
Not yet, but we confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry.

Cartman:
Sorry?! You gave me AIDS and you're sorry?!

Doctor:
I think I owe you some ice cream. [a nurse serves Cartman two ice cream sundaes; Cartman shoves them away angrily]

Cartman:
Oh, FUCK your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You ALL SAID I'd be fine!

Liane:
[crying] Oh, my baby has HIV!

Cartman:
No! Noooo!

Stan:
Did Elton John sing a song for you?

Cartman:
No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffet came instead. (Kyle starts laughing) OH YEAH, IT'S REAL FUCKING FUNNY, KYLE!

Kyle:
(manages to stop laughing) I'm sorry. I'm-I'm really...Cartman, I-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.

Cartman:
No you don't!

Kyle:
I do. (smiles and keeps from laughing)

Cartman:
If you REALLY felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! (Kyle tries to keep from laughing) WELL, ANY GODDAMN SECOND, KYLE!

Kyle:
I'm sorry, I gotta go home. (walks away while still laughing)

Cartman:
Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!

Principal Victoria:
Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?

Cartman:
Kind of.

Mr. Mackey:
Eric, that is not appropriate behavior. M'kay. You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease.

Principal Victoria:
That's right, I think you owe Kyle an apology.

Cartman:
I'm sorry.

Principal Victoria:
You're sorry for what Eric?

Cartman:
I'm sorry for giving you AIDS Kyle.

Principal Victoria:
That's better. And now Kyle you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.

Kyle:
[can't believe these adults] ...What?!

Mr. Mackey:
Kyle, the thing about tattling is, eh tattlin's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay?

Kyle:
A tattle-tale?! HE INFECTED ME WITH AIDS!

Kyle:
Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.

Magic:
You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?

Cartman:
We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.

Kyle:
Will you stop it with that?! What part of this is funny to you?

Cartman:
Kyle, we need to try and find a--

Kyle:
What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?

Cartman:
I don't think it's funny, Kyle.

Kyle:
Then stop saying that you're not just sure, you're HIV-positive! This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, so shut the fuck up!

Cartman:
Well, excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things seem their darkest you just need to try and stay..... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I--

Kyle:
Knock it off! Right now! This isn't funny! At all!

Cartman:
[pause] Are you sure?

Kyle:
YES!

Cartman:
[longer pause] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle punches him in the face] Ow! Fuck, Kyle!

Kyle:
[talks between gritted teeth calmly, but still utterly furious with Cartman after he infected him with HIV] I. Am. Going. To. Break. EVERYTHING THAT YOU OWN.

Dr. Doctor:
Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?

Kyle:
No! No, God damn it no! I'm telling you, you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [Kyle's eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman had deliberately infected him with the HIV virus] Oh my God. [his fear immediately turns into utter anger] THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

[Kyle hops off the bed and rushes out the door, ready to kill Cartman]

Sheila:
Kyle? Kyle!

[cut to Cartman playing with the other kids on the school playground]

Cartman:
Pass me the ball! Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [Kyle furiously shoves him to the ground] Kyle, what the F?

Kyle:
[utterly and unstoppably furious] I'M GONNA KILL YOU, CARTMAN!!!

Cartman:
Kyle, what?

Stan:
What did he do?

Kyle:
WHY DO I HAVE HIV?!?!

Clyde:
....Oh.

Cartman:
Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?

Kyle:
WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!

Cartman:
Nothing!

Kyle:
Then WHY did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?!

Cartman:
Aw, nice going Butters, ya big tattle-tale!

Kyle:
TATTLE-TALE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?!?!

Cartman:
Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p--

[Kyle snaps, lets out a primal scream, and starts beating the everloving shit out of Cartman, screaming that he hates him all the while, as the other students cheer him on]

Mr. Mackey:
[Approaches the fight] Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate Kyle & Cartman] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [struggles, but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!

Kyle:
Excuse us. We're trying to take a picture of Britney Spears.

Man:
Join the club.

Man #2:
Yeah. All you amateur photographers are making this tougher on the professionals.

Cartman:
We're professionals, too, you fucking butt hole. [Kyle, Cartman, Stan, and Butters walk to the stairs]

Police Officer:
Uh-uh. No one goes upstairs.

Kyle:
We, uh, we have special permission.

Stan:
Don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.

Police Officer:
You are?

Butters:
[in squirrel costume] Not me; I'm a squirrel!

Cartman:
[Sees Family Guy] No! Nooo! [Frantically turns off the TV] We are not resorting to that!

Stephen Abootman:
[On a ice flow with his aides] Eh? What do you think you're doing!?

Terrance:
We're sending you adrift, idiot.

Phillip:
Maybe you can go live with the Danish!

Stephen Abootman:
You'll regret this day, friend!

Phillip:
I'm not your friend, buddih!

Stephen Abootman:
I'm not your buddih, guy!

Terrance:
He's not your guy, friend!

Stephen Abootman:
I'm not your friend, buddih!

Terrance and Phillip:
We're not your buddih, guy!

Stephen Abootman:
I'm not your guy, friend!

Mrs. Garrison:
Everyone, sit down and shut the fuck up!! God damn it! Stupid-ass man! They're all the same!

Kyle:
Oh, God, here we go again.

Mrs. Garrison:
All men care about is sex! I spent two hours getting ready for that stupid date, and when the bastard checks out my body, he just says "Hey, did you used to be a guy or something?". I'm a woman now, so what's it matter?!

Kyle:
[talking about middle-grade school students] Dude, you know what they're going to do to a middle-class white boy like you? They're going to end you. You only have one shot or your ass is on the line, good luck on that.

[Kyle, Stan and Kenny walk away]

Cartman:
Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful, however. [later, Cartman is in the bathroom cutting his hair, then we cut to some scenes of a high school]

Mrs. Miller:
Students, quiet. Quiet, please. [someone throws a spitball at her] Give me your attention.

High School Student:
I'll give you my attention, all night long, Mrs. Miller. [everyone laughs, except Mrs. Miller]

High School Student #2:
[after Cartman introduces himself to the class as their new teacher] What the hell is this?!

Cartman:
[passing out papers to the high school students] And pass it to the amigo behind you.

High School Student #3:
Hey, man, what the heck do you think you're doing?

High School Student #4:
Yeah.

Cartman:
Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.

[Outside. The penis-mouse climbs along items behind the restaurant and runs along the top of a wooden fence. The camera follows it past the moon in the distance. The mouse stops and looks at the moon; Singing]

Mouse:
Someone somewhere is loving me tonight. Looking at the same moon and seeing it so bright.

Penis:
Someone somewhere is feeling my despair

Mouse:
Feeling my despair

Penis:
And this same moon is

Both:
making them think of that-.

Mrs. Garrison:
There it is!

Cartman:
[repeated in a Latino accent] How do I reach these kids?

Mr. Garrison:
The key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then you're a man.

Thompson:
Whoa, wait, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.

Mr. Garrison:
Well then get an AIDS test Thompson, 'cus your wife's a dude. Faggot! Yeah! I'm back!

Randy:
YOUR INTERNET'S NOT WORKING, GERALD! FACE IT!

Mr. Garrison:
Eric, partner with butters.

Cartman:
God damn it!

Mr. Garrison:
Hold Butters' hand, Eric!

[Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand]

Cartman:
That isn't necessary!

Mr. Garrison:
Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you're both back on that bus! Do you understand?

Butters:
I understand.

[takes Cartman's hand as Garrison turns towards the village]

Mr. Garrison:
All right, let's head in. [leads the way]

Cartman:
You can let go now, Butters.

Butters:
[firmly] No.

Cartman:
Butters, come on.

Butters:
No!

[the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store]

Mr. Garrison:
All right kids, go ahead and the visit the charming villagers and learn stuff. Keep track of your partner!

Cartman:
Shoot him, Butters.

Butters:
No!

Cartman:
You have to shoot him, Butters. He's gonna get all the Chinese, and then kill your parents, do it, do it!

Butters:
Ah! [shoots a customer in the groin]

Customer:
Ah! Ow! Owwww!

Cartman:
[Annoyed] Aw...dude. You shot him in the dick.

Butters:
Huh?

Cartman:
That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.

Butters:
But I was just trying to stop him and you said--

Cartman:
It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick! Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick!? That's just...that's just weak...I can't believe you, Butters.

Cartman:
Don't come any closer, we had information that we only trust with the President of the United States.

Police Officer #1:
The President?

Police Officer #2:
Alright men, we're going in.

Cartman:
No. God damn it, we're serious, we only talk to the President, stop. Fire a warning shot, Butters.

[Butters shoots the police officer to the groin]

Police Officer #3:
Ah! Aggh! Owww!

Cartman:
Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

Butters:
What, what happened?

Cartman:
God damn it, Butters. What did I say shooting guys in the dick?

Butters:
You said that there was too much competition among existing steak sauces.

Cartman:
What the fuck is wrong with you? That is not cool, Butters, that is not cool. [pauses for a moment] You don't fucking do that! You don't shot a guy in the dick.

Butters:
Well okay, I'm sorry!

Cartman:
It's not okay, defeating the Chinese won't mean anything, if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! Goddamn it!

Cartman:
[after seeing Wendy taping a "Breast Cancer Awareness" poster] Look out, everyone, there's some killer titties on the loose. Could've sworn I heard them coming through the roof. Pssh, officer. We need to get an ABP out on those titties. They're too dangerous.

Wendy:
What is your problem?! Breast cancer isn't funny!

Cartman:
Not at all. [does hand puppets] Wendy, we're going to get you, Wendy. For we're boobs; we're going to kill you.

Wendy:
You better shut up, or I'll make you shut up!

Cartman:
Oh, really? What are you going to do about it, Wendy?

Wendy:
I'm going to kick your ass; that's what I'm going to do!

Cartman:
Ha ha! You're going to kick my ass?

Wendy:
That's right! I'm going to kick your ass!

Cartman:
[poses] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll go down.

Wendy:
You think you're tough?!

Cartman:
What's up? What's up?

Wendy:
I'll smack the shit out of you!

Cartman:
Standing right here. Let's go, bitch.

Wendy:
After school; we fight after school. You got that?!

Cartman:
You're going to fight me after school?

Wendy:
That's right!

Cartman:
You're a chick, dude!

Wendy:
As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside! And you better be there!

Cartman:
Oh, it's on, bitch.

Wendy:
You're gonna fucking die!

[Testaburger residence; Wendy is in her room doing her homework]

Mrs. Testaburger:
[calling from downstairs] Wendy!

Wendy:
Yeah?

Mrs. Testaburger:
We need to talk you, right now! [Wendy leaves her room and comes downstairs to the living room, her parents are both not happy] Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?

Wendy:
What? No.

Mrs. Testaburger:
Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us?

[Cartman and his mother are both sitting on the couch; Cartman is weeping while Liane comforts him]

Mr. Testaburger:
Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?

Wendy:
You don't understand. He said horrible things.

Cartman:
[sobbing and sniffling] The thing is I totally said I was sorry. But she still wants to beat me up. [grabs Liane's blouse and cries into it as she comforts him]

Mrs. Testaburger:
Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that?

Cartman:
[still sniffling] The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but, I want to be your friend, because I don't have that many friends in schooool. [starts crying even harder as Liane continues to comfort him]

Mrs. Testaburger:
Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him!

Wendy:
Mom, you don't--

Mrs. Testaburger:
Now, young lady.

Wendy:
(to Cartman) I'm not going to hurt you.

Mr. Testaburger:
If there is any word of you fighting at school, it's over for you, Missy. Do you understand?

Wendy:
No, sir.

Mrs. Testaburger:
Don't lie to us, Wendy!

Wendy:
It's the opposite.

Mr. Testaburger:
Oh.

Mrs. Testaburger:
We're so sorry about this, Mrs. Cartman.

Liane:
Oh, no, thank you so much for your time.

Mr. Testaburger:
It really won't happen again.

[Cartman looks at Wendy, then makes faces at her and sticks out both his middle fingers, double flipping her off; Wendy gets pissed, but can't do anything now]

Liane:
You're very sweet. Thank you again. (to her son) Come on, muffin.

Cartman:
(stops making faces and looks up at her, then joins her as she walks to the front door) Okay, Mommy. Mamamama.

[As Wendy is called over to Principal Victoria's office…]

Principal Victoria:
Wendy, I've been hearing rumors about a fight between you and Eric Cartman?

Wendy:
No, ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight.

Principal Victoria:
Oh, no? Are you sure?

Wendy:
Yes, ma'am.

Principal Victoria:
I see. [gets up from her desk and walks to the window] I noticed all the things you've done for breast cancer awareness month. Did you know I'm a breast cancer survivor?

Chief Aide:
I don't know what to make of it sir. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band and yet they aren't. They play pan flute music like the others, but they talk and act like one of us.

Michael Chertoff:
I agree. They're obviously some kind of hybrid.

Official 1:
A hybrid? Ah how is that possible?

Chief Aide:
Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated with one of our females. Who knows?

Randy:
What did that?! WHAT IS THAT THING?!?!

Officer Barbrady:
Mr. Marsh, you have to move! It isn't safe to be here!

Randy:
[filming] Here's Sharon and Shelley on the roof of Best Buy. We ran up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. There's Chris and Linda, and their son, Butters.

Butters:
[waves to the camera] Hello. [chuckles]

[A sound of buzzing is heard and starts growing louder]

Linda:
What is that? Chris, what is that?

Randy:
Oh, that's a--that's a new sound.

Chris:
Oh, God, look!

Sharon:
Those aren't guinea pigs!

Chris:
Get off the roof!

Randy:
Oh, God. What are gonna do?

[A crashing sound is heard and some people start screaming]

Mr. Garrison:
Something's inside the store!

Man:
Guinea rabbits! They're inside!

Randy:
It's been three days now since the guinea pigs and the guinea bees attacked. Guinea rabbits are still everywhere, along with a few guinea panthers. We've taken shelter at the Outback Steakhouse. There's Sharon and Shelley. Say hey, guys.

Sharon:
[enraged] RANDY! I HAVE HAD IT! YOU ARE PUTTING DOWN THAT GODDAMN CAMERA!

Randy:
Sharon, you're gonna be really glad we have all this footage of the family, someday.

[Sharon angrily screams and smacks the camera out of Randy's hands]

Michael Chertoff:
Damn you, Craig! You just don't ever stop, do you?!

Craig:
I didn't say anything.

Michael Chertoff:
You see, for thousands of years, horrid creatures have lived in the guinea valley of Peru. The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay, by playing pan flute music. Guinea creatures hate it even more than humans do. But the prophecy foretold that one day, the creatures would be unleashed and I have made that happen! The Incas predicted the world would be saved…by Craig. But that part of the prophecy will not come true! For you will all die on this mountain!

Mr. Gueermo:
That's it, I'm gonna slap you!

Mrs. Gueermo:
No, please!

Mr. Gueermo:
[Slaps his wife, singing] I slap you! I slap you! I slap, slap, slap you! I'm slapping you, slapping you silly, 'cause you disrespected me!

Mr. Gueermo:
Oh, I'm going slap happy! [Outside of the Gueermo Residence, where we see Mr. Gueermo slapping Child Protective Services agents, singing] I'm going slap, slap-happy! Slappity slappin' you, teachin' you a lesson for coming in my house! [The agents drove away from the house and Gueermo noticed his neighbor next door] What are you looking at, Robertson? [in a flash he slaps Robertson three times, and just as quickly he's back inside his house and closes the front door]

[Butters enters the kitchen and sees his dad standing in front of the counter, unhappily with his arms crossed, and with a glass of milk and a box of Hamburger Helper sitting next to him]

Stephen:
You see this, Butters? It's a glass of milk I poured for myself. And you see this? It's Hamburger Helper. Now would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper is doing in this glass of milk?! Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters?!

Butters:
[nervously] I have no idea, sir.

Stephen:
I'll tell you why! Our pantry is always kept organized, alphabetically. But somebody put the Hamburger Helper where the Nestle Quik is supposed to go!

Butters:
I'm sorry, Dad. It's just I've been really preoccupied lately.

Butters:
Jeez. Nobody will even listen to me. [starts putting food up in the pantry, correctly] It's like nobody even cares that there's vampires at the school. I tried to help and all I ever do is get hollered at.

Butters:
Oh, creatures of the night I seek audience to engage with thee in unholy darkness and thus do... and thus do unto your bidding!

Mike:
What?

Butters:
Oh... er... I wanna be a vampire.

Michael:
So lame. So lame.

Henrietta:
You guys, I do not wanna be grouped in with douchey, little vampire kids.

(When the Goth kids change into normal clothes.)

Pete:
Well... at least no one can refer to us as vampire kids now.

[A football rolls in front of them.]

Football kid:
It went this way.

Football kid 2:
Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl, the big nosed kid, the midget and the kid with pock marks on his face.

[The first kid goes over to the collect the ball, then leaves.]

Michael:
So we're back to that, are we?

Firkle:
Shoot.

Pete:
Let's get outta these freaking Gap clothes.

(When the Goth kids kidnap Mike and are trying to decide what to do with him.)

Michael:
How about we send him to Transylvania?

Pete:
Nah, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies.

Henrietta:
If we're gonna send him somewhere it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth.

[Pause]

All:
Scottsdale.

Stephen:
[pounding on the door] Butters, this is your father! Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey!

Butters:
I know now what I have to do. [jumps out of the window and escapes]

Linda:
Stephen, what has happened to our boy?!

Stephen:
He's become something, Linda. Something that…we cannot ground.

Stephen:
Well, do you mind telling me why there's Rice-A-Roni in my coffee?!

Butters:
Uh-oh.

Stephen:
Butters, you are grounded!

Butters:
Ah, dangit! [gets off the sofa and annoyingly goes upstairs to his room]

Stephen:
It worked, Linda. Our son is groundable once more.