South Park, Season 22

[Marsh residence; Sharon has called a group of parents together for a meeting]

Sharon:
Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents, because this whole thing is out of control! We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!

Stephen:
Well, you know, Sharon, I think... it s a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to him furiously; It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's touched in the head"] crazy?

Sharon:
What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?

Stephen:
Red?

Sharon:
How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!

Stephen:
[still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time.

Randy:
[stops in his tracks as Sharon notices] I agree with my wife.

Laura:
Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.

Ryan:
The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a camp out for the homeless.

Sharon:
[now very irate] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY! [furiously goes upstairs]

Officer Stevens:
You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.

Sharon:
Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, RANDY?!

Stephen:
Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.

Sharon:
Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!

Stephen:
How do you know?

Sharon:
I just got my period this morning!

Randy:
You... you got your period?

Sharon:
YES!

Randy:
You just got your period this morning?

Sharon:
YES!

Randy:
So, the past few days, maybe you have been just a little-

Sharon:
NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!

Harriet:
I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.

Sharon:
That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!

Townsman:
You want everyone to be sad?

Harriet:
Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [sadly walks away]

Stephen:
Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity.

Mayor McDaniels:
People, it's time we faced some hard truths. The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads. We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.

Stan:
Dude, Kyle. Dude!

Cartman:
Dude!

Kyle:
What?

Stan:
Did you read what Mr. Hankey tweeted last night?!

Kyle:
What Mr. Hankey tweeted?

Stan:
Yeah. I guess after band rehearsals he went on Twitter to talk about us.

Cartman:
Look! [takes out his phone and gives it to Kyle to see for himself]

Kyle:
Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.

Kyle:
Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night?

Mr. Hankey:
[slowly] Yeah.

Kyle:
Did you tweet, "The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music?"

Mr. Hankey:
[more slowly] Yeah.

Kyle:
Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off!

Mr. Hankey:
It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't mean it?

Kyle:
What do you want me to say?

Mr. Hankey:
The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. Do you take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas!

Mayor McDaniels:
[enraged] Hankey! [Hankey turns to her and the other council members, all furious at him] We need to talk about what you tweeted.

Mr. Hankey:
Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.

Mayor McDanniels:
No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night. [takes out her phone] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."

Mr. Hankey:
Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!

Mayor McDanniels:
I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.

Mr. Hankey:
Fire me? No, no, no, please. I-I'm really sorry. No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas?

Mr. Hankey:
Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.

Mayor McDaniels:
No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.

Mr. Hankey:
A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.

Mayor McDaniels:
[opens the back door for him, coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.

[Mr. Hankey hops into the car, Mayor then closes the door, and the car drives away]

Stan:
Where will he go?

Randy:
He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.

Randy:
I'm over it, Sharon. I am seriously over it. Don't you wanna just start over? Go back to simpler times?

Sharon:
What do you mean?

Randy:
I've had it -- school shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get outta here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.

Sharon:
Are you being serious?

Randy:
I've never been more serious.

Nelson:
[honking] Hey, the light's green!

Randy:
SHUT UP, NELSON! Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like work hard and tegridy.

Sharon:
How will we make a living?

Randy:
By growing things and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time.

[South Park Elementary; Stan told his friends about moving out of the country and on a farm after selling their house]

Kyle:
So, just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?

Stan:
Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.

Kyle:
Why would your sister want to get addicted to those things?

Cartman:
Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.

Kyle:
What are you talking about?

Cartman:
You didn't know? The kindergartners are, like, the biggest vapers at this school.

Jimbo:
Where are you goin', Ned?

Ned:
I'm getting my white ass outta here.

[ManBearPig appears behind Ned, getting the latter's attention]

Stan [upon seeing ManBearPig]:
What the fuck?!

Jimbo:
Jesus Christ! [fires at ManBearPig]

Ned [running from ManBearPig]:
Heeeelp meeeeee!

[ManBearPig attacks Ned then carries him away, leaving Jimbo, Stan, and Randy horrified]

Jimbo:
Ned!

Stan:
I can't believe you would get high and play video games while your son is in jail! You're such an asshole!

Randy:
Well, at least I'm not a school shooter!

[Yates Residence; Harrison arrives and is about to open his front door when he hears shooting and screams, then the sound of a galloping horse from inside]

Sgt. Harrison Yates:
Oh, you'd better not- [goes inside and throws his hat and jacket down; enraged] You bitch! [Maggie shrieks in fright and stands up] You're playing Red Dead Redemption, aren't you?!

Maggie Yates:
So what of it?!

Sgt. Harrison Yates:
What did I tell you about playing on my saved game, Maggie?!

Maggie Yates:
No! No, this is my life now, Harrison Yates! I started over, with me own saved game!

Sgt. Harrison Yates:
What are you talking about?

Maggie Yates:
See for yourself! [hands him over the game controller] You and all your talk o'wantin' your own life! I wanted somethin' new, too! I started over in the snow and worked my way up to the new gang leader! I have thousands of dollars o'me own! I built a house with John Marston! I'm helping his family now!

Sgt. Harrison Yates:
You fucking slut!

Maggie Yates:
That's right, Harrison Yates! And what have you got?! A basic starter horse and the $20 gambler's hat you won at a poker match! I'm twice the man you are now!

Sgt. Harrison Yates:
Don't you talk to me like that!

Maggie Yates:
I'll talk however I want! I've completed every hunting side mission! Found seven legendary animals!

Sgt. Harrison Yates:
Found them where?!

Maggie Yates:
I'm not tellin'! You wanted your now life and now you got it! [walks out of the room]

Sgt. Harrison Yates:
Maggie! [sits on his knees and breaks down, weeping]

Ms. Nelson:
You aren't using this during class time.

Cartman:
It relaxes me. Ask my therapist. I have anxiety, you dumb bitch.

[Stotch house garage, Butters works on his bike making it stand out]

Butters:
Oh, boy! This is looking so great! [Stephen enters and takes a safety vest from the coat rack by the door] Hey Dad! The big bike parade is this weekend. How's it look? First prize is $50!

Stephen:
[frustrated] What are you saying, that our family needs cash?! I'm busting my ass trying to make ends meet! You wanna go live with Kim Kardashian? She's better than me 'cause she's got money?! FUCK YOU, SON! [leaves and slams the door, walks into the house, through the kitchen and in the living room, and puts on his vest]

Linda:
Butters really loves that bike parade.

Stephen:
I don't need to be reminded every ten minutes that money's tight. [sighs deeply] I'm sorry. It's just this new job. It can be such a grind.

Linda:
You work too hard at that place.

Stephen:
Kids these days just don't understand how much their parents break their backs to provide.

Mayor McDaniels:
Ship to address. Order now. Usually ships in… [offended] four to six weeks?! I can make my own towels in four to six weeks!

Janson:
[knocks on door] Mayor, you have a visitor.

Mayor McDaniels:
Not now, I'm having problems.

[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to City Hall and burst into the Mayor's office]

Stan:
Mayor, we demand you cancel the bike parade!

Cartman:
It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking!

[the executive armchair turns around to reveal Jeff Bezos]

Jeff Bezos:
[puts his feet up and communicates telepathically] What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win?

Stan:
It's him.

Randy Marsh:
Hello, Bezos. You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! You see, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy! [focusing on the townspeople's bloodshot eyes] Just look in the eyes of these people. Everyone has Tegridy now - Tegridy that you will never understand! We aren't just different classes of people anymore! We are a town!

Jeff Bezos:
[beat] Are you all high?

Randy Marsh:
No. [the townspeople murmur in agreement] Why do you ask that?

Jeff Bezos:
Because I'm over here!

[Everyone is revealed to be facing Bezos' right]

Randy Marsh:
Oh. [walks around the crowd to face Bezos] Hang on. Hold on. Okay. I got it. Anyways. You see Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations. Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy. I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy. That's because I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone. And that's - now everyone is in this state of Tegridy that's impenetrable. Am I making sense?

Jeff Bezos:
NO!

Randy Marsh:
The point is nobody's coming to work for you! So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else!

Jeff Bezos:
''Damn you, Tegridy!!!''