South Park, Season 25

Stan:
[approaching Tolkien, whose playing football with Butters] Uh, hey, Token.

Tolkien:
Oh, hey Stan.

Stan:
Uh, listen, I uh… How you doin'?

Tolkien:
Fine.

Stan:
Um… You think your family would wanna come over for dinner? Out at our farm?

Tolkien:
It's kinda far, isn't it?

Stan:
Yeah but… Look, Token, I think maybe you and I should hang out more.

Tolkien:
What are you talking about?

Stan:
I mean, we never just hang out, you and me.

Butters:
Hey, we never hang out just you and me either, Stan!

Stan:
Shut up, Butters! Look, just will you please just see if your family will come over for dinner? It would mean a lot.

[Nighttime at Tegridy Farms; The Black family are sitting at the table with the Marshes as Randy sets up dinner]

Randy:
Ok, there we go. This is a farm fresh hemp salad sourced locally here at Tegridy! All right, come on everybody, dig in.

Linda:
Thank you so much for having us over. This is really nice.

Steve:
We've never been to a marijuana farm before.

Randy:
Well, you know, with our boys starting to become so close– we thought we better get the families together! If they're friends, then we need to be friends! [pulls out his phone] Do you mind if I post this? Check out our friends!

Steve:
Randy… I hope you didn't invite us here because we're black.

Randy:
W-what are you talking about?

Linda:
It's just that the past year or so a lot of people have been inviting us over to dinner and then taking pictures of us to show everyone on Instagram.

Randy:
Oh, that's so lame. No, we really just wanted to get to know you guys better since Stan is friends with Token. You know… just out of curiosity– why did you guys name him that?

Steve:
What do you mean?

Randy:
Well– I mean, it's just kind of an odd name, isn't it? Like, some people might think you guys naming your son that isn't very cool.

Steve:
People have a problem with Tolkien's name?

Randy:
Well, I mean other people just think it's a little… I mean, come on, I mean, I'm– I'm not calling you guys racist, but– why did you name your son that?

Linda:
My husband has always been a huge fan of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit.

Steve:
I wanted to name my son after my favorite author. But she didn't want to name our son J.R.R., so we just named him Tolkien.

Randy:
[shocked] His name is Tolkien?

Steve:
Yes, you know his name is Tolkien.

Stan:
[to Tolkien] I thought your name was "Token".

Tolkien:
My name is "Tolkien".

Steve:
Sorry, I don't think it's that weird. J.R.R. Tolkien is one of the most prolific, influential writers of our time.

Randy:
Holy shit, that's what his name means?

Steve:
What did you think his name meant?

Randy:
Would you like to see how we grow and process our weed?

Kyle:
[answers his phone while playing computer games on his computer] Hey, Stan.

Stan:
Dude… my head is reeling, you're not gonna believe this.

Kyle:
Not gonna believe what?

Stan:
Token's name isn't Token. It's Tolkien.

Kyle:
Yeah, I know it's Tolkien.

Stan:
No, no, no, no. He's named after the guy who wrote The Hobbit and stuff!

Kyle:
Yeah, I know. J.R.R. Tolkien. What did you think it was?

Stan:
[horrified] You knew it was Tolkien like the writer.

Kyle:
Everyone knew it was Tolkien.

Stan:
No, no, no! No, no, no, no! I distinctly remember Cartman wearing a shirt where he spelled it T-O-K-E-N.

Kyle:
Yeah, dude, 'cause Cartman's a fucking moron.

Stan:
Wha– hold on a second! [calls Cartman's number]

Cartman:
[answers his phone while eating chips and watching TV] What's up, dawg?

Stan:
Dude, Cartman, did you know that Tolkien is named after J.R.R. Tolkien?

Cartman:
Well yeah, I just figured.

Stan:
Then why did you spell it "Token" without the "L" or the "I"?!

Cartman:
J.R.R. Tolkien has an "L" in it? That's gay. Who did you think Tolkien was named after?

Tolkien:
[from outside the bathroom] Stan? You out here?

Stan:
Uh, yeah, hang on a second Tolk-kien, just taking a shit.

Tolkien:
Oh, okay, sorry.

Stan:
Oh my God… I suck.

Steve:
[angrily knocks on the door and Randy answers] What the hell are you doing?

Randy:
Taking shit tons of Tegridy orders. Sales are going nuts right now.

Steve:
No, why is my face on a billboard?!

Randy:
Because we work together?

Steve:
You said you just needed someone to help with accounting!

Randy:
Yes, but then, you got promoted! I was gonna surprise you. Don't you see how lucrative this can be? I mean, we make a pretty damn good team in the weed business. I mean, we are Ben and Jerry– We're Ben and Jerry. You're Jerry, and I'm Ben.

Towelie:
I thought I was Jerry.

Randy:
No, you're a towel.

Towelie:
Oh, that's even better.

Steve:
I told you before that I'm not interested in the marijuana business. I don't believe in drinking or doing drugs.

Randy:
Doing dru… Do you remember when Bilbo first set out with the dwarves to fight Smaug? What's the first thing they all did? They partied their asses off. [sings] ♫ Chip the glasses, click the plates / That's what Bilbo Baggins hates ♫ And then they certainly had an adventure together, didn't they? Filled with… [pulls out a wad of cash and puts it in Steve's pocket] Lucrative treasure.

Steve:
You really think we could make a lot of money together?

Randy:
Ben and Jerry, my man. Ben and fucking Jerry.

Randy:
They stole it! They stole my idea!

Sharon:
Who did?

Randy:
Those dickheads across the street! They took everything I learned about using black culture to make a bigger profit and they're doing it themselves! Get this little prick outta my house! [drags Tolkien outside]

Stan:
DAD!

Randy:
Get him outta here, he's a spy! Hey, fuck face! I don't want your kid over at my house, you got that?!

Steve:
Hey, man, what's your problem?

Randy:
You want a war?! Well, you got one! Game on, asshole!

Steve:
Game on, motherfucker.

Randy:
Everyone back in the house. Come on, let's go.

Stan:
But, Dad…

Randy:
Shut up!

Dr. Gauche:
The story of young Stan Marsh might seem incredible, but the fact is many people suffer from unconscious biases. If you or someone you know might have also thought the name Tolkien didn't come from J.R.R. Tolkien, then please call… 1-800-I AM A GIANT PIECE OF SHIT. Because you are the fucking problem.

Mrs. Tweak:
[to her husband after Cartman leaves; offended] Told you our furniture sucked! [walks away]

Liane:
[angrily pulling up and gets out of her van] You are in BIG TROUBLE, YOUNG MAN!

Cartman:
This is my listing, Mom!

Liane:
[starts running towards him] I have had it with you! Come here, RIGHT NOW!

Cartman:
Ahg! Help! Somebody call Child Protective Services!

Liane:
Eric, you're only making it worse!

Cartman:
I am not doing a co-brokering deal, Mom, it's not gonna happen!

Liane:
This isn't about that, Eric, and you know it! You're upset. You're upset because you don't want your mom to have a job!

Cartman:
That isn't true.

Liane:
It is true! You're scared and you're jealous that a job will take my attention away from you!

Cartman:
You just want to offer the sellers a lower commission to list this house and it's not going to work, Mom!

Liane:
It's okay to be scared, Eric! I know that I'm the only family you have, but you're making everything worse for us!

Cartman:
Weak. I live in a hot dog.

Narrator:
South Park: Back To The Cold War. Starring; Butters… Stephen and Linda Stotch… Melancholy the horse… and the comedy of Vladimir Putin.

Stephen:
You piece of shit communist! You won't take our freedoms away! Boo, Russia!

[Mr. Mackey shows up at his childhood home, knocks on the door, and his mother answers it]

Mr. Mackey:
Hi, Mom.

Mr. Mackey's Mom:
Well, hi, junior! What a surprise, m'kay!

Mr. Mackey:
Mom, I need to use something in my old room.

Mr. Mackey's Mom:
Well, sure, come on in! [they walk up to Mr. Mackey's old bedroom] Everything is still just as you left it, son.

Mr. Mackey:
Mom, I think World War 3 is about to start. I'm gonna do what I can to protect our country!

Mr. Mackey's Mom:
Oh, uh, m'kay, honey, I'll make you a snack.

[Kyle walks to the front door as the doorbell rings, answers it, seeing his teenager, Trevor, with his mother]

Trevor's Mother:
Are you Kyle?

Kyle:
Yeah.

Trevor's Mother:
I'm here to drop off Trevor. He said he is your teenager now.

Kyle:
Yeah, that's right!

Trevor's Mother:
Okay. Well, good luck.

Trevor:
What time are you picking me up?!

Trevor's Mother:
Just gimme a call– don't make it too soon, though, because I am going to relax.

Trevor:
Fine, go ahead, I'm glad! Go away, I don't wanna see your stupid fucking face!

[Stan's phone rings in the middle of the night]

Stan:
Oh, my God. You gotta be shitting me. [answers phone] Yeah, hello?

Stan's teenager:
[clicking a lighter] I'm not gay.

Stan:
Wh-what?

Stan's teenager:
Why'd you call me gay? Like, what the hell do you know? You don't even fucking know me!