St. Elsewhere, Season 2

Dr. Craig:
It's women like that that give the X chromosome a bad name.

Mitch Hopson:
[while being restrained by several medics] Satan's in my throat, he's reaching for my soul!

Luther Hawkins:
This guy doesn't need a doctor, he needs an exorcist.

Dr. Ehrlich:
[finds Kochar hiding in a supply closet] You just look like my brother did the night before his wedding.

Dr. Kochar:
[upset about losing his virginity to Dr. Martin] But for me, there will be no wedding.

Dr. Ehrlich:
What do you mean? I rented my sari!

Dr. Kochar:
Sorry.

Dr. Kochar:
[to Dr. Martin] You're the first naked woman I've seen who wasn't unconscious or dead.

Dr. Craig:
[having just transplanted the heart of Jack's wife into Mrs. Leighton's body] If it's any comfort, your wife has given that woman a second chance. She's a living example of Nina's compassion for others. [pause] I'm sorry.

Dr. Morrison:
You said yourself it was a textbook case of leukemia.

Dr. Auschlander:
We're treating a little boy here, not a textbook.

Dr. Auschlander:
I'm what you call an agnostic. Do you know what that is?

Joe Dempsey:
Someone who doesn't want to be an atheist.

Dr. Armstrong:
Why is everybody a union but us?

Dr. Chandler:
Because we have a vocation.

Dr. Martin:
[gushing] I can hardly verbalize it, but ever since the transplant, just the thought of Doctor Craig makes my eyes moist.

Dr. Ehrlich:
[sarcastic] Your eyes?

Dr. Craig:
I'm a surgeon, not a sex object.

Luther Hawkins:
Look, the only needle I wanna see is on my stereo. At home. Which is where I'm headed.

Dr. Craig:
Mr. Brody, what have you been feeding Mr. Bonwit?

Matthew Brody:
He wanted to see how it worked.

Dr. Craig:
If I ever catch you diagnosing patients around here again, I'll have you arrested for practicing medicine without a license. Do you understand?

Matthew Brody:
[Quietly] Yeah.

Dr. Craig:
Then you'll see what kind of fun it is playing Pac-Man inside a prison cell.

Dr. Ehrlich:
[to Dr. Kochar] Thanks a lot, pal. I hope your karma gets stuck in the parking lot.

Dr. Craig:
Ellen! He wrote his name in the snow!

Ellen Craig:
So what?

Dr. Craig:
Not with his finger!

Ellen Craig:
Ooh... Script or print?

Dr. Craig:
Print.

Ellen Craig:
This I gotta see.

Dr. Cavanero:
What's the problem?

Dr. Fiscus:
Nothing we can't handle.

Dr. Cavanero:
Good, just cut out the bickering.

Dr. Armstrong:
Look, she is a loaner, groaner, and there's no reason to tie up a bed.

Dr. Fiscus:
Chronic hypochondriasis?

Dr. Armstrong:
That's my diagnosis.

Dr. Fiscus:
Huh, you covered your rear end. That's always been your greatest strength.

Dr. Craig:
Then in short, Dr. Armstrong, you never acknowledged the possibility of a genuine heart condition, in this case, infective endocarditis, which crossed the placenta and triggered premature labor.

Dr. Armstrong:
[Struggling to answer the question] I... I... ..

Dr. Fiscus:
[Stands to address Dr. Craig, Dr. Westfall, and Dr. Auschlander] To be honest, Mrs. Chambers' valve murmur was almost inaudible. I must have big ears. [Snickers after his joke]

Dr. Craig:
Hardly seems the time for wisecracks.

Dr. Fiscus:
Sorry.

[Fiscus sits down]

Dr. Armstrong:
[Trying to hold back her emotions] I'm having trouble concentrating. I was in court earlier today.

Dr. Westphall:
I think we all understand that, Wendy. The point is, had you spotted her condition earlier in the clinic, she could have been put on IV antibiotics.

Dr. Craig:
And probably she'd still be carrying that child.

Dr. Craig:
[as Dr. Caldwell approaches] A grown man catches it in his fly? Pathetic!

Dr. White:
I got the news.

Dr. Westphall:
Good, then we don't have anything to talk about.

Dr. White:
Yes, we do. I know how good my board scores were and you know the quality of my work has been improving, yet you still torpedoed me.

Dr. Westphall:
You got what you deserve.

Dr. White:
Even though the jury found me innocent, you're still doling out punishment like you're above the law or something.

Dr. Westphall:
What gives you the right? You're the last person on this earth I have to explain myself to.

Dr. White:
I'm taking you to court, Westphall. They'll force you to give me a second year. I'll be back! I'll be back.

Nurse Rosenthal:
[as Dr. Caldwell is limping in the hallway] Ladies and gentlemen, Hoot Gibson!

Dr. Robert Caldwell:
Thanks, Helen!

Dr. Ehrlich:
Dr. Caldwell...

Dr. Caldwell:
Victor, I don't know if you're coming back for a second year so don't ask.

Dr. Ehrlich:
It just so happens I wanna do you a big favor.

Dr. Caldwell:
Yeah. What's that?

Dr. Ehrlich:
I wanna give some advice on how to keep under control so your sutures will stay in place.

Dr. Caldwell:
Mind your own business, Victor.

Dr. Ehrlich:
I just wanna help. I know what you're going through. Everybody's gotta wind the watch once in a while.

Dr. Caldwell:
Bye, Victor.

Dr. Ehrlich:
Okay. [Shaking his head] Gives me the willies.

Ellen Craig:
Ok, you've asked how the family is, how your friends are... everybody but your dad and the gardener.

Stephen Craig:
How is the gardener?

Dr. Axelrod:
Hello, sir, Nice to meet you sir. How's the wife?

Nurse Daniels:
[listening, then opens the curtain] Whose wife?

Dr. Axelrod:
Westphall's.

Nurse Daniels:
Westphall's wife is dead.

Dr. Axelrod:
You're kidding! I didn't even know she was sick.

Nurse Daniels:
It's been 10 years, Elliot.

Dr. Axelrod:
Oh, then I guess I shouldn't send flowers. Thanks for the tip. I would have faux-pauxed myself all over the conference room. Probably blowing my chances of becoming a first-year resident this fall. How do I look?

Nurse Daniels:
Here let me straighten your tie. [Adjusts his tie] There's not much I can do with the rest of you.

Dr. Axelrod:
I really hate interviews. My hands always get clammy. I mean, what if he asks a question I don't know the answer to? And most important, do you think he'll like me?

Nurse Daniels:
Elliot, in the six months since you started your externship in the ER, there's one thing I can say about you. If they're judging on originality, you're a shoe-in.

Dr. Axelrod:
Oh, good.