That '70s Show, Season 8

Red:
[catching Kitty smoking the gang's stash in the bathroom]): What do you have to say for yourself?

Kitty:
I'M STARVING!

[Kelso, Fez, and Donna forgot to bring beer. Charlie gives them a six-pack]

Kelso:
How much do we love this guy?

Fez:
He's a prince!

Donna:
Charlie, it is so awesome hanging out with you.

Charlie:
Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to finally belong to something you know. It's like the first day of the rest of my life! [ leans against the railing, which breaks] WHOOHOO!

Fez:
THE BEER! [gang looks down and hears a thud]

Donna:
That was a pretty awkward landing...I hope he's okay.

Kelso:
Of course he's okay. It's not like anyone ever died falling off the water tower.

Kitty:
[narrating to tape recorder, in kitchen]...And so they renamed it the Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.

[Jackie tries to hit on Donna's date, who walks away]

Jackie:
[rants off at bar patrons] Ah come back here! Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart! I am adorable! I am engaging and I'm DAMN likeable. And if you're too stupid to see that, then I feel sorry for you! [her dress slips off her shoulder] 'Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here, it's me.

Donna:
Jackie! [tries to cover Jackie up]

Jackie:
Get off me! [Donna whispers something in her ear] What the hell is a "boobs out"? [looks down] AAARRGGHHHH!!!!

[Kelso and Fez talk about Hyde]

Kelso:
I still can't believe our little Hyde went off and married a Las Vegas stripper.

Fez:
Yeah. Now we have to get him a present. What says "congratulations on your wedding and I want to nail your wife"?

Kelso:
Oooooooh we should get him one of those big electric knives! Those suckers will cut right through your hand.

Kelso:
I can't believe it's our last circle together. Wait... Oh! Now I know why we called it a circle! Thats freaking awesome!

Kelso:
Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?

Jackie:
Oh, Michael, no!

Kelso:
No?

Jackie:
No!

Kelso:
Jackie, you just made me the happiest man on earth! I cant believe I wanted to marry you! That was my worst idea ever! And I had some really bad ideas. I mean, a Firecracker Suit - come on! What the hell was THAT?!?

Hyde:
The best fourth of June ever, that's what.

Donna:
I want to send Eric some sexy photos.

Sam:
Sure. I have some in the car. Want me to go get them?

Fez:
First, let me grab your melons.

Jackie:
Ooh, aren't they nice and firm?

Fez:
Yeah, here grab my banana.

Jackie:
Ooh, it's so big.

Don Knotts:
Okay, you perverts, stop it right now! Fruit salad again? Why can't they ever be having sex?

[At a veterans' reunion, Red is flustered that Leo is actually a World War II veteran despite his hippie appearance]

Red:
I can't believe Leo is a veteran. I don't know whether to like him a little more or like myself a little less.

Bob:
Red, this was supposed to be your special night. We should be the ones over there getting free drinks.

Red:
"We"?

Bob:
I spent all my money on this costume.

Red:
[walks up to Leo] So Leo, what exactly did you do in the war? I mean, just besides drive a supply truck.

Veteran:
Just drive a supply truck?! Leo, did you tell them what you did?

Leo:
Nah. It's embarrassing.

Veteran:
You gotta tell 'm!

Leo:
All right. I peed on Jane Fonda.

Veteran:
Leo here drove his truck right into a German tank formation and rescued an entire platoon.

Bob:
Really?!

Veteran:
Didn't you get a medal for that?

Leo:
Yeah. I forget what it was called, but it was shaped like a purple heart.

Red:
Damn Leo. I'm impressed [shakes Leo's hand] From one veteran to another, I'd like to buy you a drink.

Leo:
Actually, I like to buy you a drink.

Bob:
I'll take a drink.

Red:
Sorry. This round is for men who fought for Uncle Sam, not spent the war hiding in their Uncle Sam's house.

Leo:
Hey man, even if he didn't see action, he still deserves a drink.

Red:
All right, fine.

Leo:
Bartender, one Shirley Temple!

[The gang just 'kidnapped' Fatso the Clown]

Jackie:
[entering the basement] So you guys-[screams] WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DOING HERE?!

Donna:
We stole Fatso the Clown! And now we're gonna...uhm...what do we do with a stolen clown?

Hyde:
[in starting a Circle] THIS is what we do with a stolen clown. Actually, this is what we do without a stolen clown. It always comes back to this.

Fatso:
[Randy providing voice] Hohohohohohohoho. Thanks for bringing me here you guys!

Randy:
So Fatso, now that you're free, is there anything we can do for ya?

Fatso:
Huhuh yeah. Find me a really trashy clown-hooker with nice long legs and a pair of double D [honks horn].

Randy:
I found this in the garage.

Fez:
Oh Randy, you think you are so funny [sn*ggers] That was funny.

Jackie:
Look at that freaky-ass clown. It's just staring at me...he doesn't even blink...

Donna:
It's because he likes you. He loves you. He wants to marry you and then..KILL YOU! [Jackie screams loud]

[Jackie, Fez, and Randy scour Donna's room for ideas on a birthday gift. Jackie checks out Donna's diary]

Jackie:
Oh my God Fez, listen to what Donna wrote, it's from a few weeks ago: "Hyde hired this new guy Randy at the record-store. And he's really cute." Donna thinks Randy is cute! Can you believe this?!

Fez:
Jackie you shouldn't be reading that! [takes the diary and puts it in a drawer] It's a complete invasion of privacy. [fidgets with her mirror] Oh if I get just the right angle on this mirror...I can see Donna when she sleeps...

[Kitty is enraged that her friend Marcia is dating Fez]

Kitty:
[making tequila from a blender] I can't believe Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut. [hands the blender to Donna] You girls throw it around like football players, couldn't one of you have slept with him?

Donna:
[drinking from the blender and giving it to Jackie] Mrs. Forman, you need to understand something. Fez is a deviant weirdo. We're just glad he is doing it with a person and not a couch a tree or my pillow.

Kitty:
After all I have done for that boy, he has the nerve to say you're not my mother. If that's even what he said. Because...who can understand anything that comes out of that ungrateful marsh-mouth.

Jackie:
[drinks] Wow. Fez and an older divorced woman. [hands the blender to Kitty] You know, if I were a divorced older woman, I would take everything from my ex-husband. SUFFER, YOU CHEATING BASTARD! Haa! Can't wait to be divorced.

Kitty:
Well, if he doesn't want me mothering him, fine I'm done! Next Christmas, his stocking will not be hung by the chimney with care. It will be tossed in the garbage with...with...hair! [takes a sip] This place uses too much ice! [pours in the rest of the tequila]

[Donna is preparing to broadcast from Grooves]

Donna:
You guys, the radio station asked me to host an on-air fundraiser for the Children's Library. A year ago I was doing the Farm Report and now it's gonna be Hot Donna all day long. That right. I'm gonna be referring to myself in the third person from now on.

Randy:
Wait. You're not doing the Farm Report anymore? [makes hillbilly accent] Well how am I supposed to know if my corns-a-gonna grow?

Donna:
And I told my boss, that I'm not getting off the air until I've raised 500 bucks. Which'll be easy, cause my fans do anything I say. Like, there was this one time, when I told everybody to get up and dance when I played Tear The Roof Off The Sucker. There was almost a riot at the prison!

Jackie:
[sarcastic] Yeah. Thanks a lot Donna. My Dad had to hide under his bunk.

[Red and Kitty try to sleep, but couldn't do it with Hyde and Samantha arguing at Laurie's room]

Hyde:
Why the hell did you turn the TV on?!

Sam:
To drown out your snoring!

Hyde:
I was snoring to drown out your talking!

Kitty:
[gets up] Okay. I can't put up with those two fighting anymore. It's like living with a couple of Italians! [leaves room]

Red:
Oh yeah. We moved two fighting morons into an adjacent room and now we can't sleep. Who could have seen this coming...

[Kitty and Jackie go to Christine St George's station to drop off a package she forgot at Fez's salon]

Jackie:
Hiiii, uh, I'm here to see Christine St. George.

Receptionist:
Do you have an appointment?

Jackie:
No, but I am her biggest fan and I would love to be her co-anchor.

Receptionist:
Okay, have a seat and a psychiatrist will be right with you.

Kitty:
Oh please Miss, couldn't you just let us in for two minutes?

Receptionist:
I got a better idea. How about if I let you in for no minutes?

Jackie:
Please? Please could you let us in? I know I have what it takes to be on TV and I just need to demonstrate my talents to Christine.

Kitty:
Oh and I just want an autograph. Or a souvenir. Ahaha! She made cheesecake on yesterday's show, is that around?

Receptionist:
You really want to get in huh? Okay, I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

Kitty:
Six.

Receptionist:
You got it!

Kitty:
Ohhh! [claps hands and jumps for joy]

Jackie:
So does that mean that we can go in?!

Receptionist:
No. That's the number of cops I'm gonna call if you don't beat it.

Jackie:
But..I'm supposed to be her co-anchor!

Receptionist:
And I'm supposed to be Brooke Shields. Ain't life a bitch?

Red:
Will you Just Listen?!

Kitty:
Oh, Red. I'd love to talk to you, but I have to check the pressure in my tires.

Hyde:
Hey Red. Kitty told Sam the presents weren't for her and I'm kind of in trouble. I got us each a bouquet of flowers for the ladies.

Red:
Kitty! I got you roses! (to Hyde) See how it feels, dumbass?!

Donna:
(voice recording) Happy birthday Eric. I have a sexy surprise for you. Look across into my window. Yeah, I thought you'd like those. Now come over here and I'll...

Randy:
Hey.

Donna:
(turns off tape) Hey.

Randy:
What's up?

Donna:
Nothing. Just, you know, hanging out.

Randy:
Cool. I've never sat on the hood of a car with a girl before?

Donna:
Yeah, actually, you know what. This car was kind of...

Randy:
(notices the lightsaber) Ooh.

Donna:
Oh.

Randy:
A lightsaber.

Donna:
Yeah, that belonged to someone. Now lets...

Randy:
Check it out. (Donna imagines Randy with Eric's hair and clothing while he's swinging the lightsaber) I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you. (Randy continues swinging the lightsaber)

Donna:
Stop it. (pushes Randy of the Vista Cruiser)

Randy:
What the hell?

Donna:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, this is, this is just too weird. I can't do this. I can't see you anymore.

Randy:
You could've just said you didn't like Star Wars.

Kitty:
Ooh, this pineapple reminds me of Donna. It's a little tart.

Bob:
Hey, don't call my daughter names, you can call me names. I really wish you wouldn't.

Kitty:
Why, I just..., I don't know what she sees in Randy. He's so charming, and, and friendly, and always willing to lend a helping hand. What a jackass.

Bob:
Well, I like him. He calls me Mr. P. Where did he come up with that one?

Red:
Kitty, if Donna's going to date anyone, why not him? I mean, he's bright, he's good with tools, and most important, he has never once tried to teach me the Ways of the Jedi.

Kitty:
Wait a minute. You like Randy, too?

Red:
Well, I'm just saying. I don't hate him as much as I hate most people.

Kitty:
Well you have said a lot of hurtful things, but this is the worst! (she walks away)

Red:
Kitty?

Bob:
She's crazy. This pineapple's delicious.

[Jackie reveals other items in her Ideal Guy list.]

Jackie:
There are plenty of other things on this list. My perfect guy compliments me, buys me presents and comes when I call... and none of that describes Fez.

Fez:
[enters] Did you call me?

Jackie:
What? No, I...

Fez:
Wow Jackie, you look fantastic today. Ah, which reminds me, I got you a present. [gives gift] Enjoy. Bye, guys! [exits]

Randy:
Whoa, that was weird!

[Hyde tries to shoot a basketball to determine whether to stay with Samantha]

Hyde:
[to Donna] It's a tough decision, man. I'll let the ball decide. If I make the shot, stay with Sam. If it misses, I say goodbye. [shoots; ball gets jammed into hoop's crevice]

Donna:
Huh. God's funny.

[Kitty is enthusiastic that Red can finally stop taking heart pills]

Kitty:
Well that is wonderful news. Oh and you know what this means? We can bring back fried cheese friday!

Red:
It's not good news Kitty. I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now. That's 200 bucks down the crapper.

Hyde:
Why don't you just sell 'em? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation... I saw one time on an after school special...

Kitty:
Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal. And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses...[takes a bottle of gin and a glass] I will be in the bath.

Hyde:
You know man, you can sell those pills.

Red:
No I can't.

Hyde:
Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.

Red:
Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills?

[Red and Hyde visit the Viking Lodge, an old man's hangout]

Hyde:
Anybody here take procardiacs? [Men raise their hands] The doctor is in!

[Fez is nursing a face wound Caroline gave to him after she sees Jackie kiss him]

Fez:
Jackie, what was that kiss all about?

Jackie:
Fez it's something that I wanted to do for a really long time. And I was wondering..you know, hoping, that maybe you and I could be together.

Fez:
You want to be with me?!

Jackie:
Yeah. I mean Fez, my life has been so crappy lately that you have been the one good thing.

Fez:
Well. So you want me because you're lonely? Great, so that makes me what, your last resort?

Jackie:
No Fez. You're wrong, it's not...

Fez:
You know what Jackie, forget it. You went to be with Kelso AND Hyde. I don't wanna be your sloppy thirds. [Jackie goes to her room]

[Jackie's been taking revenge on Fez for turning her down, and he has planned a counterstrike in their apartment's shower]

Hyde:
Fez, if this is the ex-lax prank, I'd rather hear about it then see it.

Fez:
No it's better. And she's turning the shower off.. she's getting out...look at herself in the mirror and... [Jackie screams, goes out of the shower with her hair dyed green]

Jackie:
FEZ!

Fez:
Ho ho ho Green Jackie!

Jackie:
Fez, you completely ruined my hair!

Fez:
You destroyed my car!

Jackie:
I had every right to destroy your car, you turned me down!

Fez:
You turned me down like a million times and I never did anything!

Hyde:
Actually I remember a lot of crying.

Fez:
Yes I cried, because I have feelings, unlike you Jackie.

Jackie:
Oh, huhuh. I have feelings. And they told me to buy a bottle of spray paint and tell the whole world that you have a tiny-

Fez:
IT'S NORMAL SIZED! Well you know what, I'm glad I turned you down, because you are a mean, bitter girl. And now, you're ugly on the outside like you are ugly on the inside.

Hyde:
Holy crap man, cover your nipples!

Jackie:
I can't believe that's what you really think of me.

Fez:
Well it is.

Jackie:
Fine. I'll just go pack up my things and get out of your life. [returns to her room]

Hyde:
Damn man, that was harsh.

Fez:
Yeah. Must have been my Jamaican fire.

Hyde:
So...you're from Jamaica?

Fez:
No, Jamaican Fire. It's my new cologne.

[Red gets season tickets for the Packers.]

Kitty:
Red, I don't wanna move. [Red is nonplussed] I was gonna tell you, but ever since we decided to move, you've been so happy and smiling and you're never that way except for when you kill a deer... Red, this is my home. I don't wanna leave.

Red:
[holds Kitty's hand] Kitty, we don't have to go anywhere. I don't care where I live, as long as I am with you.

Kitty:
Really?

Red:
[softly] Of course. [Kitty hugs him from behind.] I love you.

Kitty:
Oh, I love you, too.

Red:
I was talking to the tickets.

[Donna waits for Eric on the Vista Cruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]

Eric:
Happy New Year.

Donna:
Eric!

Eric:
Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?

Donna:
I start college next week.

Eric:
Oh, that's awesome. [long pause]

Donna:
So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?

Eric:
Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long -

Donna:
[teary] Eric, things are a lot different now.

Eric:
Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Donna, I'm sorry. [Kisses Donna]

Hyde:
Oh my God. What did I do?

Red:
You married a Las Vegas stripper. Congratulations. With Eric gone, you’re the town dumbass.

Donna:
Kelso, I'm kinda gonna miss you constantly trying to grab my boob. You made me feel pretty. ...I am messed up.

Fez:
Donna, I give you my word. I will always be here, trying to grab your boob. We'll do it for Kelso...[tears up] who won't be here to do it anymore. Oh God!

Hyde:
Man...Kelso, this is weird. I always imagined our last moment together would be me...watching you strapped to a homemade rocket. Flailing around in circles screaming, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

Kelso:
Well. Guess this is goodbye. ...Man, I'm gonna miss this. Like, being down here, I've had, like, the best time of my life. And you know what? No matter where I live, I will love you guys forever. [pause] Well, guess it's time to go. So...see ya.

[Kelso gets up and leaves the basement]

Jackie:
Bye, Michael.

Donna:
Wow. He's really gone.

Fez:
[holding back tears] My beautiful tormentor!

Hyde:
This sucks.

Kelso:
[Kelso runs back inside] I'm not leaving til tomorrow! And you were crying! BURN!

Bob:
[unaware that the gang, consisting of Donna, Hyde, Fez and Randy are attempting to 'kidnapped' Fatso the Clown, the mascot for Fatso Burger, attempts to order from the drive through of the fast food joint] What's Cookin' Fatso?

Fez:
[hiding behind the Fatso statue]: Uhm... [In American Accent] Welcome to Fatso burger.

Bob:
I'll have a uh, big fatso combo with extra secret sauce.

Fez:
Would you like apple pie with that?

Bob:
Sure.

Fez:
And the extra large soda for 10 cents more?

Bob:
OK.

Fez:
Oh, And onion rings are free with all that.

Bob:
I'll take 'em.

Fez:
So let me read that back. One big Fatso combo with extra sauce, an apple pie, extra large soda and one onion rings.

Bob:
You got it.

Fez:
Sorry we're closed.

Bob:
What? Then why did you take my order?

Fez:
Thank you please drive away.

Bob:
But I'm hungry.

Fez:
Then go get a pizza.

Bob:
I had pizza for lunch.

Fez:
WELL WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!

Bob:
GO TO HELL, FATSO!

Fez:
[in regular accent] SEE YOU THERE LARD ASS! [Bob drives away angry as Randy, Donna and Hyde come out from hiding]

Hyde:
That was awesome. Bob just got into a fight with a ceramic clown.

Donna:
Believe it or not it wasn't the first time.

[Jackie talks to Kitty]

Jackie:
Mrs. Forman, your brownies saved my life. Christine was yelling at me all morning but then I gave her one of your brownies and she started liking me.

Red:
Oh, I don't believe that for a minute. I could eat a whole try of those brownies and I still wouldn't like you.

Kitty:
You buy my gifts in bulk? [referring to Red's Emergency presents stash]

Red:
No, it's more of a.... vast inventory of love. [pause]

Kitty:
Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS! [Red looks stunned] Yeah, I can do that too!

Hyde:
Why is there a closed sign on the door?

Randy:
Oh, Red put that up. He said I could either have a closed sign on the door or an open sign on my ass.

[Red shows the DuBoises around the house]

Mrs. DuBois:
Is this the kitchen?

Red:
No, it's a petting zoo. There's the goat...pony ride. [points at Mr. DuBois] Ah, there's the dumbass!