The Big Bang Theory, Season 11

Sheldon:
Will you marry me? [his phone rings] One moment, please.

Amy:
[incredulous] Really? You're gonna answer that right now?

Sheldon:
It's Leonard. I don't want to be rude.

Leonard:
Hey, where you been? We've been calling you for hours.

Sheldon:
Oh, I'm sorry. My phone was on "airplane" mode.

Leonard:
Why?

Sheldon:
Because I was on an airplane. [gives Amy a "duh" look]

Penny:
Hey, where are you?

Sheldon:
I came to Princeton to see Amy. It's a funny story, actually. I was having lunch with Dr. Nowitzki, and she kissed me.

Penny:
Excuse me?

Leonard:
What?

Amy I'm sorry?

Sheldon:
And in that moment, I realized that Amy was the only woman I ever wanted to kiss for the rest of my life. So I came to New Jersey to ask her to marry me.

Sheldon:
Mother, I have some good news to share.

Amy:
[giddily] We're engaged!

Mary:
I am so happy for you two, but I'm not surprised. I've been praying for this.

Sheldon:
Well, God had nothing to do with it. It happened because I was kissing another woman, and it made me realize I wanted to be with Amy.

Mary:
More than one woman was interested in you? I might have prayed a little too hard.

Sheldon:
I want to let you know right now that we are not getting married in a church.

Mary:
That's all right, Sheldon. Anywhere Jesus is is a church.

Sheldon:
Well, he won't be at our wedding.

Mary:
He's in my heart, so if I'm there, he'll be there.

Sheldon:
Okay, well, then he's your plus-one. You don't get to bring anyone else.

Mary:
That's fine. Love you.

Sheldon:
Love you, too. Bye.

Mary:
[they hang up] Lord, thank you. Even though you can do anything, that was mighty impressive.

Leonard:
If we weren't physicists, what would we be?

Howard:
I don't know. Popular?

Janine Davis:
I think that you are the smartest physicist at this university.

Leonard:
Really?

Janine:
See? Lies. They're not that hard.

Howard:
It's a date. Just pick one.

Sheldon:
It's not just a date, it's a textbook optimization problem. There is a perfect date, just like there's a perfect room temperature and a perfect dessert.

Penny:
There's no perfect dessert.

Sheldon:
Yellow cake in the shape of a dinosaur with chocolate frosting, scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side, not touching. You'll see. You'll have it at our wedding.

Amy:
You wanna bet?

[Amy has recorded Sheldon talking in his sleep,]

Sheldon:
That's me?

Amy:
It's you.

Sheldon:
So you spied on me in my sleep?

Amy:
Sheldon, I'm sorry. You've been doing this every night. I couldn't help but wonder if it meant something.

Sheldon:
Well, it doesn't.

Amy:
Are you sure? I mean, the prefrontal cortex regulates impulse control. So it's plausible that when we're asleep, aspects of our personality that we repress might come out.

Sheldon:
Don't try to put science lipstick on your New Age pig! And for the record, you make noises when you sleep, and I've never accused you of repressing your inner chainsaw! [storms out of the apartment]

Leonard:
If you want me to object at your wedding, just give me one of these. [taps the side of his nose]

Raj:
Oh, come on. You can't really be disappointed [about having a baby boy].

Howard:
Hey, I barely know how to be a man myself. Now I have to teach someone?

Sheldon:
As the saying goes, "Those who can't do, teach."

Amy:
Don't you want a little version of Howard?

Bernadette:
I already have a little version of Howard.

Howard:
Heck, now I'm having a son. I'll have to teach him how to play sports, and watch sports, and-and-and-and-and...

Raj:
[to Leonard] He just ran out of "Man Things", he's in trouble.

Leonard:
My mother's texting you?

Penny:
Yeah, we've been talking a lot lately.

Leonard:
Why? Is she sick of talking to the Magic Mirror on the wall?

Penny:
No, I think she's lonely. She's been reaching out.

Leonard:
Just be careful. You think you're getting close to her, the next thing you know, you're featured in a book called He's Doing It On Purpose: Raising a Teenage Bedwetter.

[Sheldon has gifted Amy with a notebook.]

Amy:
What is this?

Sheldon:
The notes from our quantum cognition project. I thought we could spend the evening grinding away on it.

Amy:
I just got home. I'm tired.

Sheldon:
Of Howard. I know. So how about you and me make some... beautiful science together?

Amy:
Sheldon, I wanna work on this with you, just not tonight. What if we get up early and do it in the morning? I promise, I'll be way more into it.

Sheldon:
You know what? There was a time when you would have been happy to stay up and collaborate all night with me. And then wake up in the morning and do it some more.

Amy:
[sighs] Fine, but can we make it quick?

Sheldon:
[shocked] No. If you have to make me do all the work, then go to bed. But don't be surprised if you walk out here and catch me doing it myself.

Leonard:
Ugh. Sheldon's texting me to drive him to Bernadette's.

Penny:
Well, what are you gonna say?

Leonard:
They did just introduce the middle-finger emoji. If it's not for this, I don't know what it's for.

Penny:
No no no, he'll just think that means "Be there in a minute."

[The gang is discussing Professor Proton's death.]

Amy:
[to Howard] Don't make jokes. He meant a lot to Sheldon.

Leonard:
Me, too. I grew up watching his show. He's one of the reasons I became a scientist.

Penny:
Aw. I thought you did it just to get girls.

Leonard:
Joke's on you. It worked.

Sheldon:
Hello, Arthur.

Arthur:
What part of "Rest in Peace" don't you understand?

Sheldon:
I suppose you're here because you heard the news.

Arthur:
Sheldon, I'm a figment of your imagination. I don't hear news.

Sheldon:
You're a grumpy figment.

Sheldon:
I am a respected theoretical physicist. I aspire to win a Nobel Prize someday. But nobody's gonna take me seriously if they find out I've been dabbling in geology.

Penny:
Well, why not? They're both sciences. And I know because they're classes my high school counselor said "weren't for me".

Sheldon:
They're very different. Physics answers the question "What is the nature of the universe?". Geology answers the question, you know, "What'd I just trip over?".

Penny:
All right, well, then don't work with Bert.

Sheldon:
Oh, but I like the work.

Penny:
Then work with him.

Sheldon:
Yeah, but I'm ashamed of the field.

Penny:
Then don't work with him.

Sheldon:
Yeah, but we could prove dark matter.

Penny:
Then work with him.

Sheldon:
But I just think that people...

Penny:
How many times are you gonna do this?

Sheldon:
My record is fourteen.

Raj:
Are you saying that you don't believe two people fall in love?

Ruchi:
Of course they do. It's just that what people call "love" is actually a series of biochemical reactions in the brain, that fade over time.

Raj:
Yes. Like the old song "When a Man Has a Biochemical Reaction For a Woman".

Ruchi:
Raj, we're scientists. We don't need to feel threatened just because we understand the mechanisms that give rise to romantic feelings. It doesn't take anything away from the experience.

Raj:
Yes, it does. Actually, it takes everything away from it. Love isn't just science, okay? It's spiritual. It's an acknowledgement of a mystery that's greater than ourselves. It's what makes people write songs, and poems, and what has kept The Bachelor on TV for twenty-one magical seasons.

Ruchi:
Don't you think the fact that love is given away as a prize on a game show slightly undermines your argument?

Raj:
Uh, yes. But I've never missed an episode, and I dare science to explain that.

Amy:
What do you want to watch?

Sheldon:
Oh, why don't you pick?

Amy:
Okay, how about comedy?

Sheldon:
Nah, I already laughed today.

Amy:
I know, it was when I stubbed my toe.

Sheldon:
[chuckles] Still funny.

Amy:
Drama?

Sheldon:
Nah, I've already seen someone cry today.

Amy:
It really hurt, Sheldon!

Amy:
Well, if it helps, you all behaved terribly and you deserve what you got.

Sheldon:
Well that doesn't help, at all. Sometimes your social skills are very poor.

Howard:
I can't believe we let Kripke use us like that.

Penny:
You know, maybe you're all more like the guy who didn't invent the electric car, and less like the guy who didn't invent the light bulb.

Leonard:
She's right, maybe we're all a bunch of Teslas after all. [Howard and Sheldon smile]

Amy:
Didn't Tesla die penniless, forgotten and insane?

Howard:
You may have a point about her social skills.

Sheldon:
He wasn't insane.

Leonard:
He did fall in love with a pigeon.

Sheldon:
Well, if we're gonna call Tesla crazy for loving something small and unappealing, we might as well put Penny in a padded cell right now.

Penny:
Hey. What are you guys doing?

Raj:
Uh, we have a bunch of Bitcoin on an old laptop, and it could be worth, like, a lot of money.

Penny:
What-- You're kidding.

Leonard:
No. We-we could be sitting on a fortune.

Penny:
Okay, let the record show, I did not marry you for money, but you just got way more attractive.

Leonard:
You can't still be mad about that.

Sheldon:
Please. I have grudges going back to kindergarden. One day, I plan to find an adult Emily Dwyer and make her eat a crayon while I watch.

Amy:
Is that why there's an Emily Dwyer on our invitation list?

Sheldon:
Of course. That night, I will have the first dance, and the last laugh.

Sheldon:
What do you think will make the wedding worse for Amy: a cake made with salt instead of sugar or a cake iced with congealed gravy?

Leonard:
That is a trick question. The answer is: you as the groom.

Sheldon:
Neither of them will be the actual cake. I'm just using it as a bargaining chip to get Amy to agree to the whole wedding party getting rings and us getting one ring to rule them all.

Sheldon:
Amy, I never thought I'd want to marry anyone. So the fact that I found you is astonishing. It's-it's like finding dark matter, except they're looking for dark matter. I wasn't even looking for you. S-So you're even better than dark matter.

Amy:
[chuckles] Sheldon...

Sheldon:
Plus, plus, you interact with light, so I can see you. And, also, you don't account for the missing mass in the universe. Oh, and...

Amy:
Okay, I think you're getting caught up on the ways I'm not like dark matter.

Howard:
Well, this party's a disaster.

Raj:
Don't blame the party! You know how many favors I had to call in with my bounce house guy to get Wonder Woman?

Howard:
Is that Wonder Woman?

Raj:
Technically, it's a Chinese knockoff called Happy Strong Swimsuit Lady.

Sheldon:
Oh, Stuart, two questions: Do you have the new Aquaman, and do you mind if I use your back room to smoke some meat?

Stuart:
Well, since it's you asking, I'm gonna guess that's not a euphemism.

Leonard:
Why are you smoking meat? And why are you reading Aquaman?

Sheldon:
I am trying to make Amy a historically accurate Little House on the Prairie dinner for her birthday, and I want to be able to say I was reading it before it was cool.

Leonard:
Wow, well, that's actually really sweet. The dinner thing. The Aquaman thing's dumb.

Howard:
[referring to Sheldon and Amy] Are they acting strange?

Leonard:
I don't think they're acting.

Amy:
[testing to see how well their friends know them] I was talking to my favorite aunt.

Penny:
Aunt Felda right?

Amy:
Yeah.

Penny:
Did she ever figure what that thing on her knee was?

Amy:
Turned out to be a chocolate chip.

Penny:
That makes sense, she does love to bake.

Amy:
She does, you are a thoroughbred!

Penny:
[knock knock knock] Sheldon? [knock knock knock] Sheldon? [knock knock knock] Sheldon?

Sheldon:
[opens door] It's annoying when you do it.

Leonard:
What are you doing?

Penny:
Making a boat. When I was a kid, my dad showed me how.

Leonard:
Boy, you'll do anything to avoid reading.

Raj:
I'm Rajesh Koothrappali. Thank you for taking a walk with me... through the stars.

Leonard:
That pause seems to get longer every time.

Howard:
I do believe... you're right.

Raj:
[Showing a picture on his phone] It's me in bed with a beautiful woman, and my watch showing the time as 2:30 AM.

Leonard:
So, State's Exhibit A?

Sheldon:
Howard, I want you to know I forgive you.

Howard:
Thanks, I'll take it.

Leonard:
Do you even know what he's forgiving you for?

Howard:
Don't know, don't care. Happy Yom Kippur to me.

Sheldon:
I just learned some distressing news. Amy sometimes doesn't do things because it would hurt my feelings.

Howard:
First of all, it's not sometimes, its always.

Raj:
Second, it's not just Amy, it's everyone.

Howard:
And third, it's not news, it's well established.

Bernadette:
[first lines as Bernadette wakes Howard up] Howie. Howie, wake up. It's time.

Howard:
[waking up] Oh. Did your water break?

Bernadette:
No.

Howard:
Are you feeling any contractions?

Bernadette:
No.

Howard:
[she starts to climb out of bed] Wait. Well, where are you going?

Bernadette:
To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.

Sheldon:
All right, that moves us on to the tactical shipping phase. Penny, I believe as logistics commander, that's you.

Penny:
Okay. [waving a white napkin] I surrender.

Sheldon:
Nice try, Penny. It takes more than everybody not enjoying it to stop a game with Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon:
You know, I'm really happy with our wedding date. The month squared equals the square of the sum of the members of the set of prime factors of the day. Isn't that romantic?

Amy:
Yes, it's like that Shakespeare sonnet, "Shall I compare thee to a day that's also a really weird math problem?"

Sheldon:
Did Albert Einstein ever sit in any of these chairs?

Kathleen:
I think these are fairly new. But Stephen Hawking's eaten here a lot.

Sheldon:
Yeah, but he brings his own chair, you know?

Sheldon:
Oh, Penny, I folded your laundry for you.

Penny:
That's not mine.

Sheldon:
It's not?

Penny:
No.

Sheldon:
[holds up a pair of large pink panties] So you're telling me that this is not yours.

Penny:
Nope.

Sheldon:
So I'm holding a stranger's underpants.

Penny:
Yeah.

Sheldon:
[drops the panties and puts Purell on his hands] And just like that, it's the worst day of my life.

Bernadette:
God. What's happening? I'm a smart, educated, successful...

Amy:
Woman?

Bernadette:
I was gonna get it.

Amy:
Don't be so hard on yourself. Pregnancy and childbirth actually cause physical changes to the structure of your brain.

Bernadette:
I liked the old structure of my brain. But then [takes a look at her frame] I liked a lot of my old structures.

Amy:
Well, these are positive changes. Studies with rats show that new mothers are more sensitive to danger, better at multitasking and bolder in the pursuit of food.

Leonard:
What you got there?

Penny:
Oh, I grabbed a sandwich at the food truck out front.

Sheldon:
Wait, n-now hold on. Tonight is Friday, and I believe you know what that means.

Penny:
That my fun, young life took a drastic turn somewhere?

Sheldon:
No.

Leonard:
But yeah.

Sheldon:
No, that means it's Chinese food night.

Penny:
Yeah, and you have Chinese food, so eat it.

Sheldon:
But I can smell your pastrami.

Howard:
And we can all hear your complaining, so no one's happy.

Raj:
[relaxing in Howard's jacuzzi] Oh, this is the life. What could be better than this?

Howard:
If you weren't wearing one of my swimsuits.

Raj:
I'll give it back.

Howard:
You know the rule. Once it touches heinie, it's no longer miney.

Raj:
You're such a prude. Do you know all the things this water's touching right now?

Howard:
[getting out] Well, I'm relaxed enough.

Raj:
If Bruce Banner is driving a rental car and turns into the Hulk, do you think it's covered, or does he need to add the Hulk as an additional driver?

Howard:
You really need a girlfriend.

Raj:
Oh, my God! This tomato is amazing! I can eat it like an apple.

Dr. Robert Wolcott:
The secret is I fertilze it with my own manure.

[Raj stops eating]

Howard:
The look on your face.

Leonard:
It's a sort of grin. You wanna know which kind?

Leonard:
What are you doing?

Amy:
Pigeon check for Sheldon. All clear on the north side!

Sheldon:
Okay, let's look at some planets!

Sheldon:
I've learned to accept change.

Howard:
Since when?

Sheldon:
Since Amy changed her shampoo from Prell to Prell for oily hair. Although I miss how her head used to slide off the pillow. [walks to the counter]

Denise:
Hello, can I help you?

Sheldon:
Who are you?

Denise:
I'm Denise, the new assistant manager.

Sheldon:
Nope! [Drops the comic book and runs out]

Sheldon:
Speaking of fashion, I'm going to ask the university for money. What should I wear?

Penny:
I can lend you a bra that gets me free drinks.

Amy:
How much money are you asking for?

Sheldon:
Five hundred million dollars.

Penny:
I'd go no bra.

Penny:
I can't believe you threw me under the bus like that!

Bernadette:
I know! Crazy, right?

Penny:
Do you know how that makes me look?

Bernadette:
I do. Terrible!

Penny:
What happened to keeping a united front?

Bernadette:
I'm sorry, is this your first day being a girl?

Amy:
Okay, so each welcome bag gets a schedule of events, a map, and chocolate from me. And from Sheldon, a bottle of Purell, the number for Poison Control in case someone accidentally drinks the Purell, and a laminated table of elements because the American school system is a failure.

Bernadette:
How many out of town guests are there gonna be?

Amy:
I'm actually not sure. Turns out Sheldon didn't invite his brother.

Penny:
Mm. Now it's starting to sound like a wedding.

Amy:
And his mom said she won't come if his brother's not there.

Bernadette:
Ooh, now it's starting to sound like a good wedding.

Leonard:
So, wait, y-your brother is Dr. Tire?

Sheldon:
Yes, and apparently, it only takes half a semester of community college to get that particular doctorate.

Leonard:
We passed three of these stores on the way here. Why did you say he's just some loser who sells tires?

Sheldon:
You're right, that was unfair. He's a loser who sells more tires than anyone in Texas.

Penny:
Now we got a lot of family coming in tomorrow. I'm gonna need everyone's help. Think of this as one of your comic book movies. There's a bunch of superheroes, each with a different task.

Raj:
Oh, like the new Avengers

Bernadette:
Which one was that?

Howard:
The one you slept through last weekend.

Bernadette:
Ah. That was a good nap.

Amy:
I think it's more like, uh,... like Lord of the Rings, and you're the Fellowship. Someone's gotta go to Gondor, someone's gotta go to Mordor, someone's gotta hold off the Demon of Shadow and Flame.

Leonard:
You mean the Balrog?

Amy:
I mean my mother.

[Sheldon and Amy's wedding vows]

Amy:
Sheldon, when I was a little girl, I used to dream about my wedding. But, eventually, I stopped because... I thought that day would never come. And then I met you. From the first moment in that coffee shop, I knew that there was something special between us. Even though I did work on a study that disproved love at first sight.... Clearly, it was wrong. Because I felt something that day. And those feelings have only gotten stronger with time. I can't imagine loving you more than I do right now, but I felt that way yesterday. And the day before yesterday. And the day before that.... Sheldon, I don't know what the future holds. But I know that I've never been happier than I am, in this moment, marrying you.

Sheldon:
Amy,... I usually know exactly what to say. But in this moment,... I have no words. I guess... I'm overwhelmed by you.... Even if I can't tell you now how I feel, I will spend my life showing you how much I love you. [puts the ring on Amy's finger]