The Big Bang Theory, Season 4

Penny:
Okay, well, what do you communicate about?

Sheldon:
Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.

Penny:
[spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.

Leonard:
Wait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.

Sheldon:
Amy pointed out that between the two of us our genetic material has the potential of producing the first, in a line of intellectually, superior, benign overlords, to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.

Howard:
I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

Penny:
Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?

Sheldon:
Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.

Amy:
That's an amusing factoid.

Sheldon:
Thank you.

Penny:
No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.

Amy:
Is this true?

Sheldon:
Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.

Penny:
So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?

Amy:
Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?

Penny:
Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?

Sheldon:
Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."

Penny:
Wha-Where did you get 171 men?

Sheldon:
Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...

Penny:
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.

Sheldon:
I'm sorry. 16?

Penny:
14.

Sheldon:
My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.

Amy:
Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

Penny:
No!

Sheldon:
Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...

Penny:
Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.

Sheldon:
So we multiply 193-minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so-172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.

Penny:
Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.

Amy:
This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?

Penny:
No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?

Sheldon:
This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?

Amy:
Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?

Sheldon:
I should think so.

Amy:
Then 128.

[Sheldon suggests taking up jogging]

Penny:
Have you ever run before?

Sheldon:
Certainly! I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.

[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]

Howard:
You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.

Sheldon:
That's an excellent idea! If we chat it will create the illusion of time going faster!

Penny:
No, it won't.

[Leonard is taking Sheldon's MVPD to work in their car]

Sheldon:
I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.

Leonard:
Except, in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.

Sheldon:
You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. [an image of internal human body anatomy with numerous arrows appears on the MVPD's screen] There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?

Leonard:
I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider.

Penny:
Alrighty! What's new?

Amy:
Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Shamy", and I don't like that.

Penny:
Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was-you know-how's your life?

Amy:
Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.

[After his "breakup" with Amy. Sheldon is replacing her with cats]

Leonard:
Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.

Sheldon:
You don't have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I'm already a fan.

Penny:
Well, I would ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words "pie" or "cheesecake", and Leonard is lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.

Leonard:
Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.

Penny:
You want the fruit platter?

Leonard:
Does it have melon on it?

Penny:
Yeah.

Leonard:
No, I can't eat melon.

Leonard:
That's great news about you and Bernadette [getting back together]!

Howard:
Yeah, I think I'm going to take her to miniature golf.

Leonard:
Oh, well, I guess for you guys, that's like regular golf.

Howard:
Short jokes, really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me!

Leonard:
Yeah, and don't you forget it!

Sheldon:
[after Amy proposed for Sheldon to meet her mother] What am I supposed to do?

Leonard:
Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?

Sheldon:
Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.

Leonard:
Alright, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Sheldon:
Screwed! [he realizes what he said]

Leonard:
There you go.

Amy:
I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that has no value to human relationships.

Sheldon:
Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.

Amy:
I trust this clarification allows us to return to boy-slash-friend-slash-girl-slash-friend status?

Sheldon:
Of course. Would you like to join me for Chinese food?

Amy:
Sheldon, please, you're suffocating me.

Priya:
Leonard, wake up.

Leonard:
Huh? Huh, jus', sorry.

Priya:
What for?

Leonard:
I don't know. When I'm in bed with a girl, that's just my go-to response.

Sheldon:
You know I can't keep a secret!

Leonard:
You can if you try. Think about it this way: if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret, right?

Sheldon:
Why do you get to be Batman?

Leonard:
Because the Batman has the secret.

Sheldon:
Alfred has secrets, too!

Leonard:
Like what?

Sheldon:
Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman! See, I cannot keep a secret!

Sheldon:
If only there was a way to force Howard to accept my apology to escape this miasma of guilt!

Penny:
You know, sometimes stuff just happens and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade because no matter how much you apologize, you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend.

Sheldon:
Whether you forgive me or not, I want you to have this.

[Sheldon pulls a couch cushion out of a large bag]

Howard:
You're giving me a couch cushion?

Sheldon:
No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.

[Everyone looks at him in shock]

Howard:
[aghast] But... you love that spot!

Sheldon:
No, I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe... And now it's yours.

[Howard is speechless]

Raj:
[crying] Oh, my God, dude. Now you have to forgive him.

Amy:
So anyway to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.

Penny:
You know Amy, when we say girl talk that just doesn't have to be about our lady parts.

Amy:
Shame, cause I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.

Penny:
So, what do you girls wanna do tonight? Should we go to the club or to the movies?

Bernadette:
Or we could just stay here?

Amy:
Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever, or BFF if you prefer - which I don't.

Amy:
Well, the Internet suggests that another popular slumber party activity is experimentation with lesbianism.

Bernadette:
Where exactly on the Internet have you been looking?

Leonard:
You'll never guess what just happened!

Sheldon:
You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?

Leonard:
No.

Sheldon:
[Genuinely disappointed] Aw.

Leonard:
Penny kissed me.

Sheldon:
Well, who would ever guess that?

Bernadette:
So we just sit and stare at a screen and wait for something to happen?

Howard:
I did it with you when we rented The Notebook.

Howard:
Who'd want to become "Rat Man"?

Raj:
Who wouldn't?! You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, uh, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound! And the best part of it is, if I were Rat Man, you could be my sidekick; "Mouse Boy".

Howard:
Mouse Boy?

Raj:
You don't like Mouse Boy? How about "Kid Vermin"?

Howard:
First of all, if we were going to have superpowers I would not be the sidekick; YOU'D be the sidekick.

Raj:
Rat Man is nobody's sidekick!

Howard:
Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?

Raj:
Yeah, Leonard, who?

[long pause]

Leonard:
Twelve years after high school and I'm still at the nerd table.

Amy:
Penny's friend, Zack, stopped by and said "hello" and I said "hoo!"

Sheldon:
Hoo?

Amy:
Zack.

Sheldon:
Then why did you ask?

Amy:
Ask what?

Sheldon:
Who?

Amy:
Zack.

Sheldon:
Alright, let's start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?

Amy:
Hoo!

Sheldon:
Zack.

Amy:
Why do you keep saying 'Zack'?

Sheldon:
Because you keep saying 'Who'.

Amy:
I'm not saying 'hoo' now. I said 'hoo' last night.

Sheldon:
And the answer was Zack, correct?

Amy:
There was no question; I simply said "Hoo!"

Sheldon:
[short pause] Alright. I think I have enough to go on.

[The guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'ah]

Raj:
Water demon.

Howard:
Ice dragon.

Leonard:
[victorious tone of voice] Lesser Warlord of Ka'ah!

Sheldon:
Not so fast! Infinite Sheldon.

Leonard:
Infinite Sheldon?!

Sheldon:
Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards, and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.

Leonard:
Do you understand why people don't want to play with you?

Sheldon:
No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.

Zack:
You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel: turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.

Sheldon:
Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.

Zack:
No. I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show; they also said dolphins might be smarter than people.

Leonard:
They might be smarter than some people. [Sheldon and Raj laugh; Penny is disgusted]

Zack:
[oblivious] Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.

Sheldon:
That's easy enough. We'd need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-size treats you find tasty.

Penny:
[after Zack leaves] You know, for a bunch of guys who claim to have spent a lot of their life being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you.

Raj:
[after Penny closes the door] What the hell did I do?

Penny:
[opening door back up] You laughed. [Raj immediately shuts up]

Sheldon:
I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.

[after Leonard kicked Sheldon out of the app team]

Sheldon:
Alright, I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.

Leonard:
What the hell are bus pants?

Sheldon:
They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But, perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you've lost touch with the struggles of the common man.

Leonard:
Look, I'm still happy to drive you to work. Nothing's changed in that regard; we're still roommates, we're still friends.

Sheldon:
Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. A desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex!

Leonard:
You know what? Go put on your bus pants.

Penny:
Hey, you guys ready to order?

Sheldon:
Since we come in every Tuesday night at 6:00 and order the same exact thing, and it's now...[checks his watch] 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and, uh... "How are they hanging?"

Penny:
[writing] Okay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.

Penny:
[about going with the others to a science conference including a spa treatment] Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages!

Sheldon:
In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.

Penny:
You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat". [leaves]

Amy:
That does seem to be a valid principle.

Sheldon:
[waves her off] I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Worker's Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.

Amy:
I don't believe there's any such thing.

Sheldon:
[to Leonard] You lied to me?

[The guys are reading responses to Sheldon's lecture]

Leonard:
I found another Tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: [from his phone] "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."

[Raj laughs]

Howard:
Listen to this one: [from his phone] "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky, dead?"

[Howard and Leonard laugh]

Raj:
[while on a laptop] Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.

[Howard and Leonard have a look on the laptop]

Leonard:
[amazed] Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?

Howard:
Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.

[Penny enters]

Penny:
Hey, Leonard, is your Wi-Fi down? I can't get on.

Leonard:
Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Penny is a freeloader"... no spaces.

Penny:
[typing on her phone] Thanks. What are you guys doing?

Leonard:
Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight. We're reading the reviews.

Penny:
Oh, how'd he do?

Howard:
Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.

Penny:
That bad, huh?

Leonard:
[going to Penny with his phone] Read this woman's Tweet.

Penny:
[reading from Leonard's phone] "Listening to Dr. Cooper's made me want to start cutting myself again."

Sheldon:
[looking at Tweets about his lecture on Raj's laptop] I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".

Leonard:
Uh, from the context, we think it means "Kill Me Now".

Sheldon:
[unsettled] Well, suppose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in.

[He starts to walk to his bedroom]

Sheldon:
[very quickly, looking back at his friends] I didn't want to teach those poopy-heads, anyway! [leaves]

Howard:
[short pause] FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.

Raj:
Here's what I wonder about zombies. [The others groan] What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.

Howard:
[To Leonard] You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.

Sheldon:
Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other: Case Closed!

Raj:
Yeah, okay, so zombies?

Leonard:
I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj, are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in 28 Days if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.

Howard:
You're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is when Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.

[Amy is trying to convince Sheldon to go to a university fundraiser he has boycotted]

Amy:
And consider this: without you to make the case for the physics department, the task will fall to people like Leonard and Rajesh.

Sheldon:
Are you trying to scare me? 'Cause you're succeeding!

Amy:
Well, then, prepare to be terrified; if your friends are unconvincing, this year's donation might go to, say, the geology department.

Sheldon:
Oh, dear, n- not the dirt people!

Amy:
Or worse, it could go to... [leans in dramatically] the liberal arts.

Sheldon:
No.

Amy:
[nods] Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.

Sheldon:
Oh, the humanities!

Mrs. Wolowitz:
[as Howard is unlocking the front door] Who's there?! Are you a sex criminal?!

Howard:
Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma! [goes inside]

Mrs. Wolowitz:
Where were you so late?!

Howard:
I was out with Bernadette!

Mrs. Wolowitz:
I know what that means! I watch Dr. Phil! [short pause] I hope to God you used a condom!

Howard:
I'm not having this conversation with you, Ma!

Mrs. Wolowitz:
God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!

Howard:
Nobody has a disease!

Mrs. Wolowitz:
I hope not! I share a toilet with you! Is that what you want!? To give your mother herpies!?

Howard:
That's it! I don't have to take this! [comes back outside, yelling at the front door] And good luck with your eyebrows in the morning!

[He starts to leave, then goes back to the door and unlocks it again]

Mrs. Wolowitz:
Who's there?! Are you a sex criminal?!

Howard:
[going back inside] Still leaving; I just forgot my Claritin!

Sheldon:
What's going on?

Leonard:
Oh, Howard's gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.

Sheldon:
Did you offer him a hot beverage?

Leonard:
[long pause] No.

Sheldon:
Leonard, social protocol states: when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage such as tea.

Howard:
Tea does sound nice.

Sheldon:
You heard the man, Leonard. [snaps his fingers and gestures to the kitchen]

[Leonard starts to walk to the kitchen]

Sheldon:
And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.

Sheldon:
Where are you going?

Leonard:
I'm having dinner with Priya at Raj's. I think Howard's gonna be there; you wanna join us?

Sheldon:
But tonight's Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza, or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.

Leonard:
Can we make a one time exception for tonight?

Sheldon:
We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.

Leonard:
Just come with me to Raj's.

Sheldon:
I don't want to go to a party.

Leonard:
It's not a party; it's the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there.

Sheldon:
I'm sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party.

Leonard:
How come it's not a party when we do it over here?

Sheldon:
Because we don't throw parties.

Howard:
Hey, Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?

Priya:
Oh, God, you're kidding!

Raj:
[laughing] No. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista."

Leonard:
[laughing at the memory] Bam! Right in the nose! Made me proud to own a PC.

Sheldon:
[frustrated in trying to figure out Howard's magic trick] This deck is rigged in some fashion.

Howard:
Fine. Get another deck and I'll do the trick with that.

Sheldon:
So you're saying this is a regulation deck?

Howard:
[shouting] I'm saying, believe in magic, you Muggle!

Penny:
[to Howard] Y'know, I think I know how you did the card trick.

Sheldon:
Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.

Penny:
C'mere. [whispers in Howard's ear]

Howard:
You're right.

Penny:
Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

Penny:
Did you know that last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading on the beach? Can you believe that?

Bernadette:
I feel like I'm supposed to say "that bitch!", but I don't have enough information.

Penny:
I'm the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. He was so phobic about stepping on medical waste I'd carry him to the water.

Bernadette:
I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.

Penny:
So what's the thanks that I get for turning Leonard into a quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend!

Amy:
[to Bernadette] I think you're on.

Bernadette:
Oh. [To Penny] That bitch!

[Leonard knocks on Todd Zarnecki's front door]

Todd Zarnecki:
Who is it?

Sheldon:
Your doom!

Raj:
Don't say "Your doom". Who opens the door for their doom?

Sheldon:
Good point. [to the door] Basket of puppies.

[Amy knocks on Penny's door, getting ready to spread a false rumor as part of an experiment]

Penny:
Oh, hey, Amy. What's up?

Amy:
[quickly] Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I'm thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum's the word. Gotta go. [leaves]

Sheldon:
I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.

Amy:
Slow down, Sheldon. I'm not quite there yet.

[Sheldon has joined Penny, Bernadette and Amy Farrah Fowler on their girls night out at a bar]

Penny:
Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?

Sheldon:
Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X's and O's.

Bernadette:
That doesn't count! Aren't you even a little curious?

Penny:
Yeah, you're a scientist, where is the curiosity?

Amy:
I'm available for experimentation [turns towards Sheldon and puckers up]

Sheldon:
Thank you, but not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles.

Amy:
Oh, blah, blah, blah. Give me some sugar, bestie. [turns to Penny and kisses her, all three girls start giggling]

Sheldon:
I'm certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

Leonard:
Morning, Sheldon.

Sheldon:
Oh, good. You're up. I've written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I'd like you to sign it.

Leonard:
Why would I want to do that?

Sheldon:
Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?

Leonard:
Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?

Sheldon:
Affirmative. [Turns to laptop] Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. [laptop beeps in response] Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.

Voice from laptop:
Self-destruct sequence activated.

[Sheldon turns the laptop toward Leonard and Priya, showing a timer counting down from one minute]

Leonard:
What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?

Sheldon:
That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.

Priya:
So what happens when it counts down?

Sheldon:
Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next...[checks timer] 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you're in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-Marshmallow-Fluff Leonard Hofstadter.

Priya:
[worried] Oh, my God.

Leonard:
What's the big deal?

Priya:
Trust me, it's a big deal.

Leonard:
They're gonna find out about me eventually, right?

Priya:
Yeah, of course, just not today.

Sheldon:
20 seconds.

Leonard:
Are you ashamed of me?

Priya:
Of course not.

Leonard:
Then why can't we just tell your parents?

Priya:
Please don't push this.

Sheldon:
He does that all the time, doesn't he? 15.

Priya:
Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.

Leonard:
No, he's bluffing.

Sheldon:
I never bluff. 10.

Leonard:
It's blackmail!

Sheldon:
9.

Priya:
We give up.

Sheldon:
8.

Leonard:
[unhooking the laptop] This is ridiculous.

Sheldon:
It's a laptop with a full charge. [to Priya] Honestly, what do you see in him?

Priya:
Okay, give him what he wants or we're done.

Sheldon:
3.

Leonard:
Really?

Sheldon:
2.

Leonard:
Okay, I'll sign it!

[Sheldon hits a key and places a pen on the agreement]

Voice from laptop:
Self-destruct sequence aborted.

Sheldon:
[to Priya as he stands up and leaves] You may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an honorary graduate of Star-Fleet Academy.

Sheldon:
Good news. I finally have a handle on my idea for 3-person chess.

Leonard:
That is good news. Bye. [starts to leave]

Sheldon:
Do you know how I solved the balanced center combat-area problem? Five words: transitional quadrilateral to triangular tesselation.

Leonard:
That... that's brilliant.

Sheldon:
It's what I do.

[Amy's phone rings with a text message from Bernadette, who is having dinner with Howard, Leonard, and Priya]

Amy:
Hang on. [looks at her phone] It's the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.

Penny:
What the hell did she say?

Amy:
She thinks it's cool you're following your dream, no matter what.

Penny:
[short pause] That bitch!

Penny:
You wanna talk about crazy mothers, Leonard's mom wouldn't give him any sort of approval growing up.

Priya:
Oh, the poor thing.

Penny:
It makes him desperate to please women. That's where the foreplay goes on and on.

Priya:
It does, doesn't it.

Penny:
It's like he's trying to win a prize. Oh, word of advice, do not doze off, you'll never hear the end of it.

[They walk past the bio-hazard room not noticing Sheldon is being restrained by doctors for being exposed to the illness in the room]

Sheldon:
Help me! Come back! Penny!

Howard:
Hey, how'd it go?

Bernadette:
You're a putz! You know what that means?

Howard:
Yeah, do you?

Bernadette:
Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she wanted to make sure I was okay.

Howard:
And are you?

Bernadette:
No, because I'm engaged to a putz. You let me believe I was the reason she had a heart attack.

Howard:
Well, based on the available evidence...

Bernadette:
Shut up! She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.

Howard:
[as Bernadette walks away] Where are you going?

Bernadette:
[like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you?!

Howard:
[to Leonard and Raj after she leaves] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?

Sheldon:
I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.

Amy:
It's indeed admirable. Although, it is microbiology.

Sheldon:
Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.

Amy:
I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite.

Howard:
Hey, what's up?

Mrs. Wolowitz:
Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?

Howard:
No, mom, it's Raj!

Mrs. Wolowitz:
He's a doctor too, right?

Howard:
Yes.

Mrs. Wolowitz:
Like Leonard and that skinny weirdo?

Howard:
Sheldon. Yes, everyone is a doctor but me.

Mrs. Wolowitz:
And whose fault is that?

Nurse:
[over intercom] I need an orderly with a wheelchair; I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here!

Howard:
Could you be a LITTLE more discreet?!

Nurse:
I'm sorry; we don't have a code for "robot hand grasping a man's penis."

Sheldon:
[dressed as The Flash, rapidly knocking] Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny-- [Penny finally opens the door]

Penny:
What the hell is wrong with you?!

Sheldon:
I'm The Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.

Stuart:
And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America number 3!

Sheldon:
Thank you! Thank you so much!

Stuart:
Okay. Okay, 10 seconds to midnight.

All:
10, 9, 8…

Sheldon:
No, wait! I have a speech.

All:
7, 6…

Sheldon:
Stop counting!

All:
5, 4, 3…

Sheldon:
This is my moment, dag nab it!

All:
2, 1! Happy New Year!

Sheldon:
I’m not going to say another word until you people settle down. I’m waiting.