The Big Bang Theory, Season 9

Penny:
So what package were you thinking?

Leonard:
Well this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, and they even stream the whole thing live on the internet.

Penny:
Why would we want that?

Leonard:
Cause there's a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don't believe they can land a short, near-sighted scientist? Let's give them hope.

Penny:
Whatever. Put us on the internet. I've always wanted a wedding with a comments section.

Mary:
Don't send it back yet. Your sister's married and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.

Sheldon:
Wasn't Mary Magdalene a woman of ill repute?

Mary:
When your idiot brother redeems mankind he can date whoever he wants.

Sheldon:
The show must go on, and thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.

Howard:
Why are marine biologists always so cute?

Raj:
I don't know, but I'd like to get lost in her Bermuda Triangle.

Leonard:
That's not helpful.

Howard:
Then I won't say I'd like to cover three quarters of her surface area.

Leonard:
Are you done?

Raj:
Not yet, this is fun! Ooh, I know... I'd let her free my Willy.

[Leonard gets up]

Raj:
Where are you going?

Leonard:
Going to ask her if she'd be willing to talk to Penny. Tell her she has nothing to worry about.

Howard:
Leonard wait.

Leonard:
What?

Howard:
I'd like to spongebob her squarepants.

Raj:
Now we are done.

Howard:
I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.

Sheldon:
And talked about physics with them!

[The boys are performing percussive shock to the tune of “We Will Rock You.]

Howard:
[Singing in the tune of “We Will Rock You”] We will, we will percussive shock you! [Leonard and Raj join in for the second chorus.] We will, we will percussive shock you!

[Sheldon begins singing the verse to “We Will Rock You” in falsetto while Leonard, Howard, and Raj watch in bewilderment.]

Sheldon:
I have an idetic memory; sometimes it can be a curse.

Sheldon:
Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the postmortem neuron induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.

Leonard:
I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy, you're a young man.

Sheldon:
Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here, I'm 90.

Sheldon:
I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.

Amy:
I don't think that was the point of the movie.

Sheldon:
Fine! I was like Pinocchio who that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.

Amy:
There you go.

Barry:
Gentlemen, welcome to the fencing club. Before we start, I just want to warn you, fencing isn't a joke. I hope you're not here because you think it's going to be like Star Wars.

Leonard:
That's not why we're here.

Raj:
Yeah, I'm here because I think it's gonna be like Game of Thrones.

Howard:
And maybe a little Princess Bride.

Raj:
Ooh, ooh! I forgot about Princess Bride! That's my answer!

Sheldon:
Excuse me, Barry?

Barry:
Yes?

Sheldon:
When can I stab one of my friends?

Barry:
In fencing, we don't call it a stab. We call it a touch.

Sheldon:
Uh, yes, I'm aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I'll get called into Human Resources.

Barry:
Be honest, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you do this for me?

Leonard:
Yes.

Sheldon:
No chance.

Leonard:
What are you doing?

Sheldon:
He said be honest, so I was honest. Didn't your mother tell you? It's the best policy.

Howard:
What was wrong with that guy?

Raj:
Um, he's Indian. We've already got one of those.

Wil Wheaton:
Hey Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.

Adam Nimoy:
Nice to meet you.

Sheldon:
Oh, it's nice to meet you. I admire your father's work very much. It's not every day I get to meet someone whose life journey began in my hero's scrotum.

Wil Wheaton:
[quietly aside to Adam Nimoy] I told you this guy is gold.

[Sheldon is showing the valuables he keeps in his lock box]

Sheldon:
[bringing out each item] My passport. My Wil.

Leonard:
You have a will?

Sheldon:
Yeah, my one-eighteenth scale Wil Wheaton action figure. Yeah, I also have the other kind of will, and in it, I will my Wil back to Wil.

Leonard:
Will Wil want it?

Wil Wheaton:
Wil won't.

Amy:
Some people think the sexiest organ is the brain.

Penny:
No one ever bought me drinks at a bar because my brain just popped out of my shirt.

Amy:
If you don't mind me asking, why did you and your wife split up?

Dave:
Oh, you know how it is. We wanted different things. I wanted children, and she wanted a pastry chef named Jean-Philippe.

Amy:
Oh, I'm, I'm so sorry.

Dave:
Ah, that's fine. That's why I left England. It reminded me too much of her - cold, gloomy and easily accessed by a Frenchman through a tunnel.

Sheldon:
If there were a list of things that make me more comfortable, a list would be at the top of that list.

Sheldon:
I excel at many things, but getting over you isn't one of them. It's best we stay friends.

[Sheldon and Leonard are working on calculations. Sheldon hums the beginning of Darlin']

Leonard:
Since when do you hum songs?

Sheldon:
What are you talking about?

Leonard:
You were just humming.

Sheldon:
Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving it makes noise.

Leonard:
How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?

Sheldon:
Let's see... [starts humming again] Hey! I was humming. One point for Hufflepuff.

Bernadette:
He spent an entire date talking about how much he loves Sheldon.

Amy:
It's nothing Sheldon hasn't done before.

[Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are trying to buy tickets for the opening night of Star Wars]

Sheldon:
The website's frozen. I can't get in.

Leonard:
Same here.

Raj:
Guys, they're going to sell out!

Howard:
What are we gonna do?

Sheldon:
Alright. This goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. [Kneels on the floor in a prayer stance] Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You're good friends with my mom. I know I've spent my life denying that you exist...

Howard:
Got them!

Sheldon:
...and I will continue to do so!

Amy:
I'm just... really nervous.

Sheldon:
Why?

Amy:
I've been waiting for this for so long. I've just built it up in my head. I don't know what to expect.

Sheldon:
Neither do I. But... we can find out together.

Sheldon:
Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?

Howard:
Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.

Sheldon:
Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?

Raj:
I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.

Sheldon:
That's the one to beat! Leonard?

Leonard:
Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.

Sheldon:
Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.

Raj:
Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.

Sheldon:
Stop selling it kid, you won.

Howard:
Too busy to call? He wasn't too busy to binge-watch Hot in Cleveland with my Hulu password!

Penny:
Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day, How could Batman possibly fight Superman? Isn't that dumb!

Bernadette:
Maybe he uses kryptonite.

Emily:
Well, Batman's got a lot of money; maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.

Penny:
No, no, no, no, no, I've seen that movie. It's called Iron Man.

[the guys are stupefied]

Leonard:
What is happening?

Howard:
I don't know.

Raj:
But it's beautiful.

Penny:
How's Ben Affleck as Batman?

Emily:
Oh, he was great in Shakespeare in Love.

Penny:
Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.

Bernadette:
We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo and Juliet.

Penny:
Oh, I love me some Leo.

Leonard:
And it's gone.

Amy:
Hi Sheldon, what's new?

Sheldon:
My friends are jerks and I'm mad at all of them.

Amy:
I said "what's new," but sure...

Penny:
You know, the last time I got a handwritten letter was from someone who told me I parked like a blind person.

Leonard:
That someone has a name.

Sheldon:
Thank you.

Meemaw:
No wine for me. Sheldon's bringing me my whiskey.

Sheldon:
There you go, Meemaw. I made it just how you like it. A lot, in a glass.

Raj:
You say it like it's easy! Has any one of you ever broken up with anyone?

Howard:
No.

Leonard:
Not really.

Sheldon:
You know, once I ordered an Uber by accident, and I just got in and went somewhere.

Howard:
Should we name him?

Bernadette:
It is Valentine's Day. How about Valentino?

Howard:
Nice. A classic rabbit name. Peter Rabbit, Roger Rabbit. Valentino Wolowitz Rabbit. Oh, look at all that chest hair and overbite. Of course you're a Wolowitz.

Leonard:
What's going on?

Howard:
I'm going to be a father.

Leonard:
Congratulations!

Sheldon:
Oh no!

Leonard:
Why "Oh no"?

Sheldon:
Because this changes everything! You know, what about comic book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?

Leonard:
Relax, there's room for two babies in this group.

Sheldon:
O dear luck, Penny's pregnant too?

Leonard:
You're the other baby!

Sheldon:
Oh really? Well, would a baby have to shave once every eleven days?

Leonard:
Would an adult refuse to eat his Graham crackers because one of them was broken?

Sheldon:
I guess we'll call this a draw.

Howard:
Okay, how about this for an invention? Slightly bigger cocktail umbrellas?

Leonard:
How is that a new invention?

Howard:
I don't know. All Apple does is change the size of things and we keep buying them.

Howard:
Really? You're ahead of Bale? The man who personified the words, "I'm Batman"?

Adam West:
I never had to say I'm Batman. I showed up. People knew I was Batman. Everywhere I went. On the TV show, mall openings, Julie Newmar's bungalow.

Leonard:
I'm sold- you're ahead of Bale.

Adam West:
There's another reason I should be higher on the list. All those other guys had muscles built into their costumes. All I had in my Batsuit was 100%, grade-A West.

Penny:
All right, what about music?

Sheldon:
I enjoy marching bands and Tibetan throat music.

Penny:
No music it is.

[Howard, Leonard and Sheldon are waiting at the patenting office]

Howard:
Okay, I've got to ask, why are you wearing a bow-tie?

Sheldon:
I've never applied for a patent before. I wanted to make a good impression.

Howard:
Is the impression that your first name is Peewee?

[Leonard laughs]

Sheldon:
Yeah, well you're an engineer. End of joke. Burn!

Penny:
Hang on, what if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?

Leonard:
Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?

Leonard:
Soup, sandwiches, and emasculation. Just like my mom used to make.

Penny:
Oh, they went to the store to get solder. Which is metal you melt to make science things.

Penny:
That's not what the forest smells like.

Sheldon:
Well how would I know?

Sheldon:
We'll never win. You always play the drinking game.

Sheldon:
A party sub implies it's a party.

Leonard:
Your attendance implies that it's not.

Sheldon:
I like a party as much as the next man. As long as the next man doesn't like a party.

Leonard:
If Sheldon’s testosterone dipped he’d become a butterfly.

[The guys are telling Zack about their prototype navigation system.]

Howard:
You can put it in a satellite or a rocket and it'll run forever.

Zack:
Cool. Could it be used for missiles and war stuff?

Howard:
Yee-ah. But we didn't create it for weapons.

Leonard:
And I doubt that the military would be interested in our little guidance system.

Zack:
Is it better than the one they use now?

Leonard and Howard:
[together] "Way more." "A lotǃ"

Zack:
Huh. You sure you guys are smart?

Sheldon:
Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It's good to have extras under the sink.

Sheldon:
You know the golden rule of line etiquette. No cuts, no butts, no coconuts.

Raj:
Boy, all this standing is making me tired. Good thing I brought my collapsible stick-chair!

Howard:
Stick-chair? You look like an idiot on that thing.

Raj:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chairs on sticks are comfy.

Beverly:
How dare you invite your father without consulting me.

Leonard:
Sorry but I don't think I need your permission to have my father at my wedding.

Beverly:
You do understand that our marriage ended because he had an affair.

Leonard:
I know and there is no excuse for that.

Beverly:
He claimed I was cold, emasculating, and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.

Leonard:
[To himself] I was wrong, there are three excuses for that.

Mary:
So Alfred, what is it that you do for a living?

Alfred Hofstadter:
Oh, I'm an anthropologist. I study ancient peoples and cultures.

Mary:
My goodness, so all the way back to the Flood.

[Alfred laughs]

Sheldon:
Don't laugh. She wasn't joking.

Amy:
Play with your phone.

Alfred:
Well, on that note there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as a part of their mythology.

Mary:
I don't have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that's very interesting.

Alfred:
Oh. I don't mean to disparage your faith. Actually I admire it.

Mary:
Really?

Alfred:
Yes, I'm an agnostic myself, but I prayed, many times, to God to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.

Mary:
Well, he came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.