The Bill Engvall Show, Season Three

Susan:
Tammy told us that her husband Scott got butt implants!

Bill:
(deadpan) No way.

Susan:
(nods, laughs) Have you seen his butt lately? You could bounce a quarter off that thing! (goes to open the cupboard)

Bill:
... Hey, wait a minute- I thought it was game night! You sit around and talk about your husbands? (pause) Did you ever say anything about me?

Susan:
(pause) Um... not really.

Bill:
Um... Liar! What'd you say about me?

Susan:
... I would tell you if I could, but the group has a Cone of Silence. What is shared in the Cone stays in the Cone (starts to exit)

Bill:
(sarcastically) And I'm guessing Scott's new butt didn't fit in the Cone, did it?

Susan:
His butt is no secret- it's like he's smuggling melons back there. (starts to leave)

Bill:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! So that's it? You're just not gonna tell me?

Susan:
Honey, it's just a bunch of friends talking! No big deal. (leaves)

Bill:
Is it about my butt? 'Cause real men have curves, Susan!

Bryan:
(sadly) Goodbye Yale- goodbye Berkeley- Goodbye Cornell-

Lauren:
Ugh, Bryan, would you stop?!

Trent:
Yeah, who are these people you keep saying goodbye to?

Bryan:
They're schools, doofus! Schools I probably can't even get into anymore!

Lauren:
Because you got a "B" on a science test?

Bryan:
My first "B!" It's gonna stand out on the college applications!

Trent:
College what, now? (starts eating a bag of Cheetos)

Bryan:
(looks scornfully at his older siblings) I wouldn't expect you to know. You're just both run-of-the-mill academic hacks. (Lauren glares at him) Simply average.

Lauren:
(angrily) Whoa- average?

Trent:
(cheerfully) Whoa- average! (walks across to the couch)

Lauren:
For your information, I am not an academic hack. I do well in school.

Bryan:
(smirks) Please! You haven't seen an "A" since preschool!

Lauren:
Um, hello? There were two "A's" on my report card last semester.

Bryan:
Yeah, the ones in "Lauren" and "Pearson!" (Lauren looks furious, Bryan giggles and looks at his papers) Assuming you spelled "Pearson" right! (Lauren glares at him, then slowly starts to smile)

Lauren:
... Well, I hope you're enjoying this, because that "B" is just the beginning.

Bryan:
The beginning of what?

Lauren:
No one's told you? (Bryan shakes his head) All Pearson men start out smart, but around age 12, their brains start to go soft. (glances in Trent's direction) It happened with Trent, and now here you are with your very first "B"- right on schedule!

Bryan:
You expect me to believe some lame theory of brain degeneration?

Lauren:
No- because it's science... which you just got a "B" in. (Bryan looks worried)

Trent:
(having fitted Cheetos between his toes) Check it out!(Bryan and Lauren stare at him, he wiggles his foot in their direction) "Chee-Toes?" (Bryan looks horrified, Lauren pretends to look worried)

Lauren:
... Let's just hope you don't get it that bad.

Bryan:
(holding a fish) Trent, check it out- I'm gonna do my own prank on Lauren!

Trent:
Bryan, please.

Bryan:
Check it out- I'm gonna put this in Lauren's closet- waay in the back, where she'll never find it.

Trent:
(sarcastically) Wow, that sounds hilarious.

Bryan:
No- it's so that she won't know where the smell's coming from. And, by the time she does find it, it'll be all old and stinky and rotten.

Trent:
Actually, that's pretty good- but, there's a big difference between coming up with it and pulling it off.

Bryan:
Oh, I can pull it off!

Trent:
Bryan, the best prank call you ever made was "Sorry, wrong number!"

Bryan:
I so got that guy!

Trent:
Oh, yeah- Dad was pretty pissed.

Bryan:
Whatever. I'm doing this! (enters Lauren's room and starts for her open closet, followed by Trent) Ok! So- here I go! (starts to enter the closet, then pauses)

Trent:
Uh- you're not moving!

Bryan:
(turns around) What if the smell wrecks her clothes- will Mom and Dad get mad at me?

Trent:
You can't worry about what might happen- would I have put bleach in Lauren's shampoo if I had known Mom was gonna borrow it? (pause) I'd like to think so, but I can't be sure!

Bryan:
(turns towards the closet, pauses, then turns around, defeated) ...I can't. (hands the fish to Trent) You're right- you're the only one who has the guts to do this.

Trent:
Thank you. (walks into the closet) Now, step aside and let the Master work-

Trent:
(inside the closet) Hey!

Lauren:
(laughs and high-fives Bryan) Well played, my friend.

Bryan:
Thank you!

Trent:
(rattling the door handle) Hey, what's going on?!

Bryan:
(laughing) We got you, that's what's going on!

Trent:
Guys, this is not cool- you know I freak out in small spaces! Now let me out!

Lauren:
Oh, we'll let you out- just as soon as it stops being funny! (Bryan giggles)

Trent:
How long have I been in here?! I've lost all concept of time! (pause) Is it tomorrow? Am I missing school?

Lauren:
(chuckles) I could listen to this all day.

Bryan:
I think we've earned it. (sits down on the chair)

Trent:
Is it the future? Are there robots? Who's the President now?

Lauren:
Ryan Seacrest.

Trent:
I knew it!

Trent:
(comes inside) You will never guess what I have in my pocket!

Bill:
Well, let's see- the last time we played this game, it was a pudding cup and some sorta lizard!

Trent:
(pulls out a $20) Twenty bucks- which means I now have $2,000 in my car fund, and you guys said when I did, you'd match it!

Susan:
That's great, Trent!

Bill:
Yeah! (quietly, to Susan) You said he'd never be able to save that much! (Susan motions him to shut up)

Trent:
So, can I have the money? I wanna get the car by this weekend.

Susan:
Why the big rush?

Trent:
Oh, I've got this date with Julie Galand, and I need a place to... (he sees his parents staring at him)Uh... No reason. (Bill and Susan look at each other skeptically)

Bill:
Trent, I'm not just giving you money to go buy a car!

Trent:
Why?

Bill:
Because buying a car is a big decision- and before we make it, we need to do the proper research. We gotta go online, do some comparison shopping.

Trent:
(reaching into his other pocket) Yeah, ok- well, you get on that, I'm gonna go release this lizard into the wild. (heads for the stairs)

Susan:
Be sure "the wild" isn't your sister's sock drawer. (Trent turns around and heads outside)

Bill:
You know, we give that boy $4,000, and he could come home with a car- or a handful of magic beans.

Susan:
(laughs, pats his hand) It's just Trent.

Bill:
This whole "It's just Trent" thing is fine when he's mounting an engine on his skateboard, but buying a car is a big decision! I just wanna make sure he does it right. (goes to look out the front door)

Susan:
You know, Bill, I don't think you give him enough credit.

Bill:
Really? Look out here. (Susan comes to the door) Somehow, he just got his hair caught in the mailbox.

Paul:
What are you doing?

Bryan:
Practicing self-defense.

Paul:
Oh, good- I thought you were having a reaction to medication!

Bryan:
Hey, Uncle Paul?

Paul:
Yeah?

Bryan:
If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell Dad?

Paul:
Yeah, but I have to warn you- if he gives me the slightest bit of pressure, I will crack like an egg!

Bryan:
I need some advice. I'm having a problem with a bully at school.

Paul:
Ooh, Bryan- well, there's only one way to handle a bully. You have to stand up and be a man- and when he's not looking, kick him in the beans.

Bryan:
(winces)... I can't do that. (pause) This bully's a girl.

Paul:
(raises eyebrows) Ohhh boy. (sits down) I've been there. My ex-wife used to bully me all the time!

Bryan:
How'd you get her to stop?

Paul:
(deadpan) I gave her half my money. (Bryan stares at him incredulously) Well, you know what, actually more, because I'm paying her child support.

Bryan:
(confused) You don't have any children.

Paul:
She had a very good lawyer.

Bryan:
I don't think money's gonna stop this girl. She's big, she's mean, and for some reason she loves to clobber me.

Paul:
Hmm. Any chance you can outrun her?

Bryan:
... Depends on my allergies. (Paul nods hopefully) If there's a high pollen count, I'm dead meat.

Paul:
...Ok. Well, I'll tell you what you do. Next time you see her, just drop to the ground, roll yourself up into a tight ball, and do not release until she is gone.

Bryan:
(skeptically) You want me to lie down and take a beating? How's that a plan?

Paul:
Come on, give me a break- you're an asthmatic bull's-eye!