The Brady Bunch, Season 3

Mike:
A gentle reminder, my boy: your name is Brady, not Onassis.

Greg [Describing Warren Mulaney to Marcia]:
He's at the top of my crumb list! In fact, he's at the bottom of my crumb list, too. And he's every crumb in-between.

Peter:
When are you going to grow up?

Bobby:
When I get older.

Peter [Impersonating Humphrey Bogart]:
Porkchops and applesauce, that's swell!

Marcia:
One line. It's different with me. I'm a star.

Jan:
[to Marcia] Well lah-de-dah!

Cindy:
What does that mean?

Jan:
It means that Marcia's being a pain in the neck.

Cindy:
Oh, [to Marcia] well lah-de-dah!

Bobby:
You did!

Cindy:
I didn't!

Bobby:
You did too!

Cindy:
I did not!

Greg:
Hey, what are you two arguing about?

Bobby:
Well, you might wanna know, she told everyone else. I got called into the principal's office for chewing gum in class!

Jan:
Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Peter (to Marcia):
I got it! Take this down. 'To Davy Jones. Dear Sir, you have just won a 10 million dollar sweepstakes. For information, contact Marcia Brady at...'

Greg:
What's that got to do with singing at the prom?

Peter:
Nothing, but it would sure get his attention.

Jan:
Glasses? Oh no, Mom, not glasses. I'll look positively goofy.

Bobby:
She's right. I'm a pee-wee, I'll always be a pee-wee.

Sam:
Look, don't you think I know how you feel? I had the same hangup when I was a kid, only worse.

Bobby:
You did?

Sam:
Yeah. Well, I weighed only 4 pounds when I was born, my old man wanted to send me back. I even flunked out of kindergarten, you know why?

Bobby:
Why?

Sam:
I was such a peewee the teacher kept marking me absent. (laughs)

(Carol is looking at Bobby stretching himself outside)

Mike:
What are you looking at?

Carol:
Bobby. You think it's good for him to stretch himself like that?

Mike:
Never hurt Tarzan.

Carol:
Oh, think what it did to Jane.

Mike:
Honey, he's not gonna hurt himself.

Carol:
He's at it all the time.

Mike:
So?

Carol:
Well, if his arms stretch and his legs don't, he may grow up to look like Cheetah. (both laugh)

(Bobby returns to his room to measure himself, but he's not any taller than before)

Bobby:
(dejectedly) Nothing. Still the same size. (pushes the door open)

Marcia:
Bobby, you got to give yourself a little time.

Bobby:
Guess I better stretch more.

(Bobby returns to stretching)

(Jan and Cindy look on, Marcia joins them)

Marcia:
Poor Bobby. He keeps measuring himself all the time.

Cindy:
And he gets grumpier and grumpier.

Jan:
No wonder, he's trying so hard to get tall.

Marcia:
If he would just grow a little. Even half an inch would encourage him.

Bobby:
Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!

Mike:
How much?

Bobby:
A whole inch and a half!

Carol:
Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.

Mike:
Not since yesterday.

Bobby:
But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!

Cindy:
No, it's only a half an inch!

Bobby:
How do you know it's only half an inch?

Cindy:
Well...

Mike:
Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?

Cindy:
I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!

Mike:
Cindy!

Cindy:
I'm sorry!

Bobby:
Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!

Jan:
No, only half an inch.

Carol:
You did the same thing too? (Jan nods)

Bobby:
Well, a half inch isn't bad.

Marcia:
Bobby.

Carol:
Oh, no.

Marcia:
I guess we should have checked with each other.

Bobby:
That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of! (runs off)

Mike:
Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right--

Carol:
They were only trying to help.

Bobby:
They did it because they know it's true!

Carol:
Now what's true?

Bobby:
I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! (runs up the stairs)

(Bobby walks in)

Carol:
Hi, Bobby! Hey, wait a minute, your clothes! (Bobby turns around with a black eye)

Carol:
Bobby, your eye! What in the world happened?

Bobby:
I got in a fight with Tommy Huxley.

Carol:
Tommy Huxley? He's twice as big as you are! Why doesn't he pick on somebody his own size?

Bobby:
Well, I picked on him.

Carol:
You started a fight? Why?

Bobby:
Well, he was acting like a big shot.

Carol:
Oh. Well, you weren't by any chance feeling like a little shot, were you?

Bobby:
Well, I am a little shot, that all I'll ever be!

Carol:
Oh, Bobby. Listen, you've heard about Napoleon Bonaparte, haven't you?

Bobby:
Yeah, he's that funny guy that always walked around with his hand on his stomach.

Carol:
Well, he was also a little guy. And he went around trying to prove how big he was by fighting everybody.

Bobby:
Did he win?

Carol:
Nope, just like you he got clobbered. So I really don't think that fighting is the answer. Do you, Bob?

Bobby:
Not if you lose.

Peter:
Cindy stuck her tongue out of me.

Carol:
She's just a little girl.

Peter:
She has an awfully big tongue.

(Bobby is training for the chin-up contest, falls from the bar)

Marcia:
I don't know why are you knocking yourself out, Bobby. Greg can beat you with one hand tied behind his back.

Bobby:
You welcher, I'm gonna go tell Mom and Dad!

(Greg had lost the chin-up bet against Bobby and has to act as Bobby's servant for a week)

Marcia:
Will you be finished soon?

Jan:
We have to get to the library before it closes.

Greg:
What's that got to do with me?

Marcia:
You're driving us.

Greg:
(laughs) I'm not driving you to the library!

Jan:
Yes you are, Bobby said so.

Marcia:
We'll wait in the car.

(Mike's high school reunion is coming up, Carol tries to guess who was "Bobo" in his class)

Carol:
I wonder what Bobo could be a nickname for? Let's see, Bernice Sheeran? Bernice? Bobo? (disagrees)

Mike:
(trying to confuse Carol) Sally.

Carol:
Sally? Oh no, how could Bobo stand for Sally?

Mike:
Betty.

Carol:
Betty? Betty! Bobo, Betty, Bobo, yeah.

Mike:
Zelda.

Carol:
(hits Mike with a pillow) Michael Brady, that's terrible! And that's for Sally, (hit) and that is for Betty, (hit) and that is for Zelda! (hit)

Mike:
...Smashed rear taillight, crushed fender, replace muffler, repaint left side...REALIGN THE FRAMES! HOW MUCH!

Mr. Dougan:
$295.11. Of course, there are some other minor things that I don't mind taking care of myself.

Carol:
What? Refurnishing your house?!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mike this just isn't true.

Mr. Dougan:
Mrs. Brady, are you suggesting that I am lying?

Carol:
And very badly too.

Mr. Dougan:
I'll see you in court!

Carol:
My pleasure!