The Colbert Report, Season 4 (2008)

Using The DaColbert Code to predict the next President

Stephen:
The next President will live in the White House...white guy...Guy Smiley...smiley face...horse face...horseshoe...shoe box...Johann Sebastian Bach...Baroque music...Baroque Obama, NO!

Stephen:
[on his teleprompter being blank, thanks to the WGA strike] Jim, what the hell is going on? Where are my words?

Jimmy:
We have no script, Stephen.

Stephen:
Why not?

Jimmy:
The writers are on strike.

Stephen:
Yeah, I know that, Jim, I'm not a complete idiot. How does that affect me?

Jimmy:
We have nothing to put in the prompter.

Stephen:
That's not my understanding of how this works, Jim. My understanding is that this little, this little, uh, magic box right here, it reads my thoughts and then it lays them up on the screen right there in little words that I read and--that my audience can hear my--it's a labor saving device, Jim, that's--that's how I understand this works.

Jimmy:
Well, no, actually it's what the writers put in.

Stephen:
The writers. The guys on the fourth floor with the opium bongs playing Guitar Hero all day. You're telling me that those guys are responsible for what I say? I find that a bit of a stretch, Jim, I'm sorry. Get it fixed, and get it fixed now.

Stephen:
[on being shown Abraham Lincoln's hat] Forget about the Secret Service, where was the fashion police?

Stephen:
I tell you what: you ever see me wearing a hat like that, shoot me.

Stephen:
[on Abraham Lincoln's projected IQ] So it is possible that he actually shot himself in the head, while he was trying to comb his hair with a gun.

Philip Zimbardo:
Obviously you paid attention in Sunday school.

Stephen:
I teach Sunday School, motherfucker!

Stephen:
Hey, alternating current, why don't you just admit you're bi?

Stephen:
Now it seems the crooks charge twenty to thirty thousand dollars for a fake Ferrari body attached to an old Pontiac chassis, and here's how you sniff out a fake: take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood just behind the ornament. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass.

Stephen:
It's no secret, folks. It's all over the news. We are living in some hard times. The economy is in the crapper, bin Laden is still at large, and Steve Gutenberg is on Dancing with the Stars. I wonder what star he's dancing with? Now I think, in fact, there wouldn't be any good news out there if it weren't for... Nazi gold.

Stephen:
(4-3-2008) It's not a recession, it's a correction. Correction, it's a recession. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-7-2008) Remember the 80's? Then you're not part of my demographic. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-8-2008) Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-9-2008) There are 8 million stories in the naked city. Most would look better with their clothes on. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-10-2008) At the sound of the tone, the time will be; Tone Time *BOOP* This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-16-2008) Pennsylvania Cheer Leaders: *Give me a T* T *Give me a R* R *Give me a U* U *Give me a T* T *Give me a H* H. What does that Spell? (Audience: TRUTH!) Stephen: I KNEW IT! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-21-2008) If I learned one thing from the Liberty Bell, it's that Crack is Wack. Stay in school kids. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-22-2008)You say Tomato? I say This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-23-2008) Nation, I'm really under the gun. Seriously, I stashed a pistol under my toupee. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-24-2008) The Truth shall set you free! Unless you killed somebody. In which case, tell the cops they were breathing when you left the room. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-29-2008) How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Limo. Limo. Limo. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(4-30-2008) Duck, Duck, Duck, Truth. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-1-2008) I started my Kentucky Derby party early. I'm full of julep and I got a gun. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-5-2008) Happy Cinco de Mayo. Remember, tomorrow is a great day to buy a used Pinata. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-6-2008) Shouldn't it be "No we don't have any Bananas?" That's been bugging me for 75 years. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-12-2008) The price of stamps rose a penny. Sweet! I just made 20 cents on my pack of forever stamps. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-13-2008) You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out. You put your left foot in and you shake it all about. Who knew restless leg syndrome was so much fun? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-14-2008) Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give him a sub prime fish loan, you're in business buddy. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-15-2008) Good things come to those who wait. _______*Long Pause*_______ This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-27-2008) We're starting summer hours here. Thank You and Good Night. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-28-2008) Tonight's show is brought to you by the number 1 and the letter Meee. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(5-29-2008) Early to bed and early to rise makes you a loser. Let's party all night long. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-2-2008) I saw "Sex and the City." Spoiler, she picks the Vivien Westwood dress. *mouths OMG* This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-3-2008) Time flies. Especially since I built a clock-a-pult. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-4-2008) Today is the first day of the rest of your life and it's already 11:30. What a waste. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-5-2008) I regret that I have but one life to give. I want more lives. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-9-2008) If you can't beat 'em, report 'em to Homeland Security. They will beat them for you. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-10-2008) I'm Stephen Colbert, the most trusted name in the name of my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-11-2008) The heat wave's over, but I'm still smokin'! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-16-2008) Have I told you, lately, that I love me. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-17-2008) Mark my words. Seriously, Mark, I need my words. Where's my script? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-18-2008) This is the dawning of the age of Colbarious. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-19-2008) Beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder. I've checked. There's nothing in there but veins and goo. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-23-2008) Guests of the Colbert Report stay at the luxurious, Crashing with a friend. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-24-2008) I promise to deliver the truth in the next 30 minutes or it's free. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-25-2008) What do I want? My own show! When do I want it? Now! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-26-2008) I'm about to take two weeks off. You know what that means! Fresh Injuries. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(6-26-2008) Many states don't allow the sale of fireworks. To me it's not the Fourth of July until I'm rolling on the ground screaming for somebody to put me out.

Stephen:
(7-22-2008) I'm a man of few words but I say them over and over and over. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(7-28-2008) Do not store me near an open flame. My contents are under pressure. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(7-29-2008) I always give a 110% so the way I see it, somebody gives me a 10% refund. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(7-30-2008) For every action, I have a superior and opposite reaction. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(7-31-2008) Frère Jacques, frère Jacques, dormez-truth? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-04-2008) America, I wear the pants in this relationship. Most of the time. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-05-2008) The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab with an upward motion. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-06-2008) You know what they say, if it ain't broke, let me at it. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-07-2008) Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because my new sponsor is Salt. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-11-2008) In case of fire, remain in your seats till I'm out of the building. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-13-2008) If life gives you lemons, save the receipt! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-14-2008) And tonight's Colbert Penny Pincher. If you're out of milk, add water to yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-15-2008) If I had a quarter for every time I said I had a nickel, I'd have five times as much theoretical money. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-26-2008) To the Democrats of the Mile High City, remember, if you drink liquor at that altitude, you might become interesting. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-27-2008) Hey Democrats. I'm getting a little nervous that you haven't invited me to speak at your convention yet. Joke's over guys. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(8-28-2008) Hey Obama. You wanna impress me with a speech on the 50 yard line of a football field? Give it during the game. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-02-2008) Shave and a haircut. 9 bits. Inflation. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-03-2008) Those Republican speakers dished out a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-04-2008) Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-08-2008) Those Republicans dished up a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-15-2008) By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us, Host and Audience. You may kiss the screen! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-16-2008) Hey TiVo users, watch for a hidden message during commercials when you watch them in their entirety. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-17-2008) Hey liquid paper, your bottle should say you don't work on computer screens. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-18-2008) I know the knife is suppose to go next to the spoon... but where does the gun go? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-23-2008) Hey autumnal equinox, if the nights are getting longer, why is my show still only a half an hour? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-24-2008) This message will self destruct, only if you have one of those new exploding TV's. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-25-2008) Early to bed, early to rise. Makes a man miss my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-29-2008) Nation, I will always make eye contact with you. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(9-30-2008) They days of atonement are upon us. I apologize for being perfect. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-1-2008) I think. Therefore, you are. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-2-2008) It's snowing on Mars, so the following schools are closed. Microbe Academy, Bleep Blorp Elementary and St. Teresa's blessed crater. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-06-2008) Hey, I Am America: And So Can You! 2009 Desk Calender: how dare you be available in bookstores everywhere? Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-07-2008) The Bad news, the Dow dropped 500 points today. The Good news, I didn't know there were 500 left. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-08-2008) If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? BAM. Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-09-2008) The names in this broadcast have been changed to protect the innocent. This Is the Molber Report!

Stephen:
(10-13-2008) Happy Columbus Day if your name is Christopher Columbus. Everybody else, back to work. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-14-08) They weren't booing at Sarah Palin at that Hockey game. The crowd was just getting in the Halloween Spirit. BOOOOOOOOOO. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-15-2008) I will not have 22 minutes for my rebuttal. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-16-2008) This show is 22 minutes. Let's round it up to an hour. That will be $800. This Is Joe, the Plumber Report!

Stephen:
(10-20-2008) If your actions speak louder than words, you're not yelling loud enough. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-21-2008) Hey America, you scratch my back, I'll demand you scratch my back more. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-22-2008) I swim against the Tide, with Bleach Alternative. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-23-2008) Hey Pants, why should I have to put you on one leg at a time? I'm not like everybody else. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-28-2008) The following was supposed to contain nudity. Thanks a lot, network. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-29-2008) I don't pay attention to polls. I just count lawn signs. So get ready for President Remax. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(10-30-2008) Hey kids, if you need a last minute costume idea, you can always go door to door as a McCain campaigner. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(11-05-2008) I didn't vote! If I wanted to stay in line for hours, I'd be an audience member at my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(11-06-2008) Hey, did you guys see tonight's episode of The Colbert Report? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(11-11-2008) What is the sound of one me talking? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(11-12-2008) Hey TelePrompTer. Stop telling me what to do. Pause, Then Yell. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(11-13-2008) Hey, single malt scotch. You're 30 years old. When are you gonna settle down and get married? To my stomach. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(11-17-2008) If your Colbert Report lasts longer than a half an hour, consult your physician. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(11-18-2008) If you ever forget to watch my show, try this handy mnemonic. Watch. My. Show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(11-19-2008) Sarah Palin is getting a book deal. Which means, Wasilia is getting a book store. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(11-20-2008) It's my last show before Thanksgiving so I'm going to pardon my turkey. I'm going to put part of it in my stomach, part of it in some sandwiches. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(12-01-2008) I'm back from Thanksgiving break. Now you have something to be thankful for. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(12-02-2008) If you're looking for an inexpensive way to heat your home, may I suggest grease fire. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(12-03-2008) Portions of this show may have been pre-recorded. I've done so many, it's hard to remember. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(12-04-2008) Only 21 more "can't afford to shopping days" till Christmas. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(12-08-2008) I don't wanna let the cat out of the bag. That cat knows what it did and it needs to be punished. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(12-09-2008) I'm calling for an auto bailout. Because I drove my car into a lake. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(12-10-2008) Remember the old adage, starve a cold, feed a fever, behead a zombie. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen:
(12-11-2008) It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere I go. Possibly because I live in Macy's. This Is the Colbert Report!