The Drew Carey Show, Season 3

Kate:
Drew, please tell me this isn't Mrs. Louder's dog!

Drew (nervous):
No, tell me this isn't Mrs. Louder's dog...

Kate:
What did you do? He was a prize breeding dog! They're supposed to look like that!

Drew (lamely):
Well, it was hot...

Lewis:
Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, fur grows back, right?

Drew:
Unfortunately, we had something done to him that...doesn't grow back. (Kate understands, and she kneels down next to Lucky.)

Kate (sympathetically):
You're not really Lucky at all, are you?

Drew:
Listen, when you guys fix a dog, do you keep anything? (Beat) Well,, if that offends you, your world must be pretty damn small! (he hangs up) Lucky's charms are gone.

Drew:
Now, who the hell is that?

Lewis:
Maybe it's Lucky's testicles.

Drew:
Well, it was two knocks. (He opens the door to find Mr. Wick standing there.) Well, I was close.

Mr. Wick:
I suspect that was an insult, Carey but I don't have time. I've come to get Lucky.

Drew (coquettish):
Well, Mr. Wick...

Mr. Wick:
I meant Mrs. Louder's dog. (Mr. Wick sees Lucky, but doesn't realize that it's him.) My God, Carey, your dog is butt-ugly!

Drew:
There's no more Ding-Dongs in Lucky's lunch box.

Mr. Wick:
I know what this is, Carey! This is part of your plan to get me fired, but it's not going to work!

Drew:
I'm gonna get fired too!

Mr. Wick:
I didn't say it was a good plan, you Yankee clipper!

Oswald:
Well, maybe looks don't really matter when you love your pet. (turning to Lewis) Remember that dog you had? he was ugly!

Lewis:
That wasn't a dog.

Oswald:
Then what was I feeding?

Lewis:
That was Chester, the DrugCo cat! By the way, he's a bear now.

Lewis:
What if one of us has surprisingly red hair?

Mr. Wick:
My captain still wears his cap to dinner.

Lewis:
I can't do the Baby Elephant Walk. It just wouldn't be right.

Larry:
I hear you're down a man, Carey.

Drew:
Larry, what are you doing here?

Larry (smug):
Got probation. I'm an upstanding citizen and a pillar of the community. Here's the deal: I'll take my clothes off for a hundred bucks.

Drew:
Why should we let you join?

Larry:
Wanna see what I bring to the party? (gestures to the bar) Step into my office... (They go behind the bar. Larry unzips his pants, and acts as if he's taking out something heavy. Drew stares at it dumbfoundedly for a second, then he rapidly downs a shot and looks at it again.)

Drew:
You're in. (Larry nods and puts it back in his pants.) Geez, you think you'd be more popular.

Cop:
How do you guys keep those packages up?

Mr. Wick:
We've got Velcro.

Larry:
You guys have Velcro?

Mimi:
I'm ready for you. (She takes out a magnifying glass.)

Drew:
You know, Mimi, I might get excited and have to do a little lap dance... (He demonstrates. Mimi holds out a $50 bill.)

Mimi:
Here's my fifty bucks. Keep your punching bag outta my face.

Mr. Wick:
I make good money but I can't touch a penny of it! I have a passion for the ponies.

Oswald:
A passion for ponies?! That's disgusting!

Mr. Wick:
I BET on them, you moron!

Drew:
Come on, guys. I gotta leave in 15 minutes, I still haven't found anything nice to say about Mr. Louder.

Lewis:
Oh, I got something. It says here he invented the word "sweatshop."

Drew:
[incredulously] Really? Mr. Louder was a crusader for workers' rights.

Lewis:
No, not exactly. He's quoted as saying, "I want to see my workers sweat so much in my shops, I can call them sweatshops, or maybe stink boxes."

Drew:
Kate, you got anything about him?

Kate:
Did you know he invented the cubicle?

Drew:
No way!

Kate:
Yeah. Originally, it was a cage, but he experimented and found out you only need three walls and people are trapped in their minds.

Drew:
Oh, my God, I can just walk out!

Mrs. Louder:
[on Drew's answering machine] Drew, this is Mrs. Louder. I just want you to know that Anderson got up there after you left, totally drunk, offending every ethnic group, age, and sex in the room, exposed himself, and still beat you handily.

[Mimi is hooked up to a polygraph]

Drew:
First, I have to ask a base question. Mimi Bobeck, did you invent the automobile?

Mimi:
Yes, I did.

[The polygraph doesn't move]

Mr. Wick:
Give her something more difficult, something impossible for her to say yes to. It'll set this thing off like a pinball machine.

Drew:
Alright. Hey Mimi, how'd you like to get out the butter and massage oil and do a little slip 'n slide with me later on?

[Mimi takes two very deep breaths]

Mimi:
Sounds great. [Once again, the polygraph doesn't move] I am a god! Yes, yes, yes!