The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Season 2

Will:
[singing to himself] I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. I'm goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers!

Will:
[after Kathleen insults his childhood teddy-bear] Hey, hey, HEY! Don't you be dissin' my bear!

Dr. Hoover:
Your daughter suffers from displaced aggression syndrome.

Vivian:
Oh, Dr. Hoover, I'm afraid I would have to give a second opinion before I could believe that.

Mrs. Hoover:
Oh, it's definitely displaced aggression syndrome.

Dr. Hoover:
Let me put it in simpler terms. This is where a child acts out the repressed hostility of an unhappy home.

Vivian:
And what is that supposed to mean?

Mrs. Hoover:
Oh, too many big words?

Vivian:
No, Miss Thing, but I got a couple small words for you.

Philip:
Vivian!

Will:
[enters] Hey, good news, people. The girls...

Dr. Hoover:
Obviously, your wife is upset. It's common with women in mid-life. I'd be happy to prescribe something.

Philip:
Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree? You find it on the back of a matchbook?

Will:
Please, my humble brothers, please...

Dr. Hoover:
Penn State, my brother.

Philip:
Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through.

Dr. Hoover:
Impressive! You must've been quite an athlete in your thinner days.

Will:
Okay, time out! Time out!

Philip:
Hey, hey, hey! Let's stick to the topic, okay?

Dr. Hoover:
Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter oughta be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.

Philip:
Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter suits the criminal profile to a T. Right down to the low, sloping forehead, and the wide jaw suitable for grains and small rodents!

Dr. Hoover:
I think you must have her confused with yo' mama.

[Philip punches him, and Hoover falls on Will]

Will:
That's it, Uncle Phil! You're grounded! [to Dr. Hoover] Y'know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that.

Will:
Yo, what's up, y'all? You know if Uncle Phil's in a good mood? I'm trying to hit him up for $50 for the homecoming.

Carlton:
Will, $50 is only gonna cover the tickets. There's still the tux, the limousine, the pre-party party, the post-party party, and, in your case, bail.

Will:
Yeah, you're right. This could cost a fortune.

Hilary:
Oh, That's okay. Daddy's got a fortune. I always find that when you ask for large sums, it helps if you take his hand look deep into his eyes, and tell him you have cramps.

Carlton:
That only worked for Hilary. When I tried it he sent me to a specialist.

Vivian:
Maybe Will did get a job.

Philip:
Oh, please, Vivian. You'd believe that boy if he told you that he was a big rap star whose album just went platinum.

Will:
[as a pirate in a restaurant] Welcome to the Briny Deep, where none of our prices are ever too steep. We got fresh fish, you can look at our tank, to get to the bathroom make a left at the plank. Follow me.

(Will and Carlton enter the kitchen with cleaning equipment)

Carlton:
(about the PSAT) I don't believe it. You couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere, there's an Asian Will Smith and he's really ticked.

Will:
Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point, all right? But I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone.

Carlton:
Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellect. (he sprays the kitchen window)

Will:
Than why are you using car wax on the window?! (patronizing voice) This a window. This Windex? Can you say that little man?

Hilary:
Geoffrey just looked back and gave a sad little wave.

Will:
(to Ashley) And fortunately, you're too young to know what he was waving.

Philip:
Geoffrey, after seeing your good work this past year, we have decided to increase your pay by twenty dollars per week.

Geoffrey:
(mockingly) Thank you, sir. And, with my newfound wealth, I shall be able to treat myself to a Happy Meal!

Carlton:
I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food, and daily threats of violence. I'll have to get a Jheri Curl and tattoo.

Will:
Carlton, They're not gonna send you to jail for cheating on a test.

Carlton:
I wasn't talking about jail, I was talking about public school!

Will:
Hey, grandma. What do you think?

Hattie (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will):
Six years of Oprah and this is still a shock.

Carlton:
It's a bet, Grandma.

Hattie:
Don't tell me what happens if you lose. In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win. Oh, Hell. Let's just never mention it again.

Philip (walking in the living room to see Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will):
Son -- and I use that term loosely.

Carlton:
Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.

Philip:
That's exactly what it looks like.

Bobby:
Cousin Carlton, Tomorrow, can you take me to Disneyland?

Carlton:
Forget it. I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse.

Carlton:
I was thinking, since Janice is of the Negroid persuasion and Frank is of the Caucasoid persuasion, we could try these sings for the wedding...

Carlton sings a few lines from "Ebony and Ivory" by Paul McCartney then "Jungle Fever" by Stevie Wonder

Carlton:
So, Will, what did you think?

Will:
I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.

Will:
Bobby, I like it whenever you come. They all appreciate me after you leave.

Will:
(cheering) We beat 'em, we dissed 'em, we whipped they butts good, but that was kinda stupid, y'all, we in they neighborhood. Run!

Will:
Yo! Yo! Yo! We're here to display...

Carlton:
A look at a woman who's 40 today.

Hilary:
She's smart and well-dressed, so just to give thanks...

Ashley:
This is your life, Vivian Banks.

Will (to Dee Dee):
Would you ever wear white after Labor Day?

Dee-Dee:
If it's clean and I can button it, I'll wear anything.

Philip [to Will about his new car] Until I see some insurance papers, you're not driving this car. In fact, what kind of idiot would sell a car without insurance?

Jazz:
I resent that. The joke's on you, Mr. Banks. You can't throw me out, 'cause I'm already outside. [Philip picks up Jazz then proceeds to throw him into the kitchen]

Will:
You've heard of the Batmobile, get a load of the Rapmobile!

Will:
Carlton, why do I have service to eight in my drawers?

Sonya Lamor:
Hello darling...NO photographs!

Hilary:
I hope there's no papparazzi around here

Sonya Lamor:
Oh don't worry darling, they don't know I live here

Hilary:
No, it's because people mistake me for Whitney Houston.

(Will enters the kitchen carrying two suitcases.)

Carlton:
Will, it's nice of you to help Mom and Dad with their bags.

Will:
Oh yeah, man. I mean, they treat me so good here, I do whatever I can to repay their kindness.

Carlton:
Can't wait for them to leave either, huh?

Will:
Does Barry White want seconds?

Will [looking at Carlton's book cover]:
"How To Beat The Odds? Sorry C, there's no way to beat it. You're odd."

Will:
Carlton, skiing is for white guys named Sven, and O.J. Simpson.

Carlton:
Oh, Will, you deprived product of the ghetto. Skiing is an exhilarating sport.

Will:
What is exhilarating about strapping two sticks to your feet, flying down a hill at 90 miles an hour, and then slamming into a tree?

This is L.A., man. If I wanted to get my head cracked, I'd star in the next Rodney King video.

Hilary:
Forget it, Ashley, I am not getting you a stun gun for Christmas.

Ashley:
I'm not really going to use it on Cousin Bobby I just want to scare him with it.

Hilary:
Look, we haven't seen him since Aunt Janice's wedding. Maybe we remember him worse than he is.

Will:
Yeah, right, and maybe it was Barbie's idea to catch that tan in the microwave.

Will:
[to Hilary] I've been busting my hump ever since you got a job.

[Philip reads off the family's credit card bills]

Philip:
Carlton, ninety dollars for a pair of socks? That's ridiculous.

Vivian:
It certainly is. Oh Philip, that's nine dollars.

Philip:
Oh...Ashley. How could you manage to charge eighty dollars worth of trinkets on our account at the drug store?

Vivian:
That's eighty cents. Sweety, do you need to get your eyes checked?

Philip:
Don't be ridiculous Vivian.

Vivian:
This has been going on for months. If you move the TV any closer to the bed, I'll be sleeping with Jay Leno.

Philip:
Now, this looks like it says "300 dollars for shoes." What's that say?

Vivian:
300 dollars for shoes.

Hillary:
Point being?

'[Will and Tyriq sitting at the table eating]

Carlton:
Will, everybody knows why you're in training. No fats, no chocolate, and no women.

Will:
Then I should probably cancel my date with that fat chocolate woman!

Carlton:
Will, you better listen to me if you want me to be your manager.

Will:
My manager? I don't even want you to be my cousin.

Carlton:
I didn't hear that.

(Geoffrey's down on his millionaire girlfriend, and Will starts singing the blues and playing harmonica)

Will (singing):
...My butler is black ...My butler is blue ...'Cause his honey's got green ...coming out her wazoo.

(Carlton helps his father to try on wigs.)

Carlton:
What do you think of this one, Dad?

Philip:
I look like Little Richard, Attorney at Law.

Geoffrey:
Dinner is served. (sees Philip) A-whop-bop-aloobop-a-wop-bam-boom!

(Geoffrey sneezes)

Vivian:
Geoffrey, it sounds like you're getting a cold.

Geoffrey (speaking with nose stuffed up):
Not at all, madam. It was barely a stipple. There you go, Master William.

Will:
Thanks a lot, G. It looks great.

(Geoffrey sneezes in Will's cereal)

Will:
Yo, Carlton. Breakfast!

Will:
Will Smith, tonsils.

Max:
Max Jakey... everything else. Sweaty palms, kid? First-timer, huh?

Will:
Man, you trippin'. I was 15 when I first... You mean surgery.

Dr. Baylor:
[his glasses on his head] I've gotta find those glasses.

Will:
[prays] God, please don't let me leave here with breasts.

Jazz:
(to Will, about Tyriq) What's he doing here?

Tyriq:
(to Will, about Jazz) No, what's he doing here?

Will:
Now, y'all not still mad about that watch thing.

Tyriq:
He sold me a fake Rolex.

Jazz:
He paid with a fake $20.

Will:
[to Tyriq] Now, first of all. You should have known it was fake when you saw that the warranty was only for two hours. [to Jazz] And you should have known the Jackson on the $20 ain't Jermaine.

Jazz:
They all look the same to me.

Bob Eubanks:
What is the capital of Ohio?

(Tyriq buzzes in)

Eubanks:
Tyriq?

Tyriq:
That would be the capital "O", Bob.

Vivian:
Marge, when you told Will that we chained ourselves together at sit-ins, you're only giving him the romantic part of the struggle. Girlfriend, you are leaving out everything that went before it: the leaflets, the petitions, the years of trying to work through the system.

Marge:
The system doesn't work. You have to blow the door down. Looks to me like you forgot that.

Philip:
You talk as if I wasn't there with you in Birmingham facing dogs and firehoses. This is me, Olufemi, the same Olufemi that was with you the night Harlem went up in flames, but now I have a family and I choose not to fight in the streets. I have an office to fight from and I have fought and won cases for fair housing, affirmative action, health care and I am not ashamed to write a big fat check for something I believe in and that doesn't make me any less committed than you, so don't you dare look down your damn nose at me, Adebola.

Philip (to Marge):
Remember Woodstock?

Marge:
Yes.

Philip:
Twenty of us tried to squeeze into that tent. Vivian and I jumped into that lake naked.

Vivian:
I wasn't at Woodstock.

Vivian (to Geoffrey):
So, how's the chicken holding up?

Geoffrey:
I'm afraid it's drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford Center, madam.

Will:
I know my Ma. She's just trying to get to her retirement plan and her rocking chair.

Carlton:
Is that why she's moonwalking up the driveway?

Helen:
You know how they say men are animals in bed?

Vivian:
[*smirks*] Yes?

Helen:
Well I don't.

Geoffrey (to Will):
Aren't you dressed a little early for your date?

Will:
I ain't going on a date. I'm going on a phone call.

Geoffrey:
That's what I call safe sex.

Ashley:
I know where babies come from. I took sex education.

Phil:
I thought you took band.

(at the Gingham Turtle restaurant, where Carlton is performing a striptease)

Woman:
Take it off!

Vivian:
Put it on! Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!

Carlton:
Mommy?!

(he covers his chest with his hands)

Philip:
I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.

Carlton:
We needed the money.

Philip:
For what? And I want the truth.

Will:
All right. It's like this Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.

Philip:
Federal offense. Go on.

Will:
Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.

Philip:
Grand Larceny. Impressive.

Will:
Then we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.

Philip:
That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?

Carlton:
I'm afraid so dad. We never got the clasp fixed on mom's bracelet.

(all three start laughing)

Philip:
You never got...I don't know what to say. What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?

Will:
I don't know...reward us for our honesty? (they laugh again) Hey, it worked for the Beave!

Philip:
"The beave"!

[they all laugh inaudiably; Philip suddenly stops]

Philip:
[loudly] DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY NAMED WARD?!!

Helen:
Lester, Don't make me get Ethnic on you!