The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Season 4

Philip:
[sees Ashley with another guy] Hold it. Hold it. Who do we have here?

Ashley:
We met at the mall.

Philip:
What's your name, son?

Guy:
This.

[he hands a picture to Philip, to looks at it]

Philip:
This is a stick with a snake wrapped around it.

Guy:
It's a symbol. Like Prince?

Philip:
Prince Who?

Guy:
See? That's exactly why fathers ain't allowed at the mall.

[Philip writes something on the paper and hands it back to the guy]

Guy:
What's this thing?

Philip:
It's a symbol for GET OUTTA MY HOUSE!!!

[the guy leaves]

Philip:
[to Will as he walks in the room] Excuse me! Is this what you've been tellin' my boy?!

Will:
What?

Philip:
That life is one big orgy?!

[he starts backing Will and Carlton into a corner]

Philip:
Well, college is hard work, son. Followed by a family, which is even more hard work! And a teenage daughter who doesn't wanna be seen with you in public! And a wife! A wife who won't let you anywhere near her! And a butler! A butler who may be the father of your child! And a gardener! A GUARD...!!

Carlton:
DAD! DAD!

Hilary:
It's a Bungee jump proposal!

Phil:
Oh, please. Whatever happened to getting down on one knee?

Hilary:
Daddy, that's for old fogies.

Phil:
I got down on one knee.

Geoffrey:
Sustained!

Trevor:
(on TV; proposes to Hilary) Hilary Banks!

Hilary:
Yes, Trevor?!

Trevor:
Will you marry me?! (slams into the ground; whole family and Geoffrey watch in disbelief)

Will:
I ain't no bungee expert or nothin', but I don't think he's supposed to be slammin' into the ground like that.

(The footage of Trevor's untimely death is cut to a "Please Stand By" message)

Hilary:
"Please Stand By"? Great, the president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.

Philip:
Let's just pray that Trevor's okay. (later, after returning from Trevor's funeral) It was a lovely service.

Will:
Trevor didn't look so bad for a dude that had a concrete facelift.

Carlton:
Fool, like that was his real head.

Phil:
Could you two show a little compassion? Your sister is right behind you.

(Hilary comes into the room, wearing a black wedding dress with Vivian comforting her)

Hilary:
I still can't understand.

Vivian:
Sweetheart, the lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

Hilary:
No, I mean technically, am I a widow or what? This is all my fault, if I hadn't asked for a special proposal, Trevor would've been in my arms, instead of in my purse. (Pulls out a small urn.) I love you, Trevor. (Cries)

Will:
Um, Hilary? Trevor wasn't cremated.

Hilary:
Eww! Then who this? (Hands the urn to Will who in turn, passes the urn to Geoffrey.)

Geoffrey:
(Holding the urn) I see him to the door, sir.

Will:
I'm taking... [looks at his class schedule] ...Western Pornography.

Carlton:
[looks at schedule] Western Philosophy.

Philip:
Western Philosophy, I'm impressed.

Carlton:
He doesn't even know what Western Philosophy is.

Will:
I do, too. It asks questions like, "Did anybody really think Kool Moe Dee was a cowboy?" (singing) The Wild Wild West. The Wild Wild West.

Carlton:
(singing) I used to live downtown, on 29... (stops singing)

Philip:
The man [his old college professor] changed my life. And you know how he did? He challenged me.

Will:
To what, a pie eating contest?

Will:
(referring to his Western Philosophy teacher) Hey Sting, kick some lyrics, man.

Will:
Sure thing, Skippy.

Will:
(referring to his Western Philosophy teacher) Ay, Skippy, the Garth Brooks concert must be over, huh?

Carlton:
Carlton the peacock says "Don't be a quitter. Pick up your litter."

(Carlton is knocked down by a student)

Carlton:
Come on guys, help me up.

Will:
Yeah, we need clean-up in aisle five. There's some bird droppings.

(Will and Jackie are quarrelling; they start shouting the same words simultaneously)

Will & Jackie:
You ain't ever gonna change! I'm getting the last word! No, you're not! Oh, yes, I am! Damn!!

Philip:
You know, Will, if you had pulled a stunt like this when you were in high school, there's no telling what I would do. For starters, I would do this.

(Philip sits on top of Will's lap, causing him to scream in agony as the episode ends)

Carlton:
Big poopie.

[Philip walks up to Carlton]

Philip:
What did you say?

Carlton:
I say... Uh... Beg, puppy. To my pretend dog, Ernie. (doing the throwing the ball hand movement) Fetch, Ernie. He's gone now.

Jazz:
My first time was with a girl from the projects. Best 50 bucks I ever spent...

Carlton:
(singing Kenny Rogers' The Gambler) You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away...

Will:
Don't know when to shut up.

Carlton:
Steffi, go home. You're not age appropriate for this party. (Carlton puts on duck floatie) I'm going swimming.

Will:
I'm from West Philadelphia, born and raised. On the playground is where I spend most of my days. I ain't got no fancy court room talk or a law degree from Princeton like my worthy adversary Judge Philip Banks. But what I do have is the truth! (slams palms on table in front of Philip)

Philip:
Oh, shut up, Will! Your Honor, this man is making a mockery of the entire legal system!

Will:
And this man is making a mockery of a finely cut Italian suit!

[Will's version of the pool party]

Philip:
Do you know how humiliating it is to have a son who can't swim?

[Phil rips off the head of Carlton's inner tube. Carlton runs off sobbing]

Will:
Listen, Uncle Phil--

Philip:
SILENCE! If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you!

Stephanie:
[appears] Hello, Mr. Banks--

Philip:
What's she doing here?

Will:
Uncle Phil, s-she wandered over lonely and crying, and I didn't have the heart to turn her away--

Philip:
HIT THE BRICKS, YOU LITTLE TRAMP! Go on! [Stephanie runs off crying] And tell your mother your father has a girlfriend! [to Will] I'm going back into the house, and when I come out, I want all these freeloading parasites OUTTA HERE! [snarls]

Will:
Y-yes, sir! Within the hour!

Philip:
FIVE MINUTES!

Will:
FOUR!

Philip:
Alright, Will. If that's the way you want it. [walks off, laughing maniacally]

Will:
O.K., Miss Banks. You were the former tenant of the aforementioned pool house. Is that correct?

Hilary:
Yes.

Will:
O.K., could you please tell us of your experiences there?

Hilary:
Am I under oath?

Judge:
Of course.

Hilary:
Well, Trevor would come over at about 3:00 in the morning and we would...

Will, Philip and Carlton:
Objection!

(Will gives Philip a handshake)

Phil:
I don't want your hand, I want my rent.

Will:
Oh, come on, Uncle Phil. Haven't you learned anything from all of this?

Phil:
Yeah, never rent from relatives.

Jazz:
Hey, Dad. Now that I'm gonna be in the family, maybe we can talk about my trust fund.

Philip:
What did you say?

Hilary:
Jazz and I are getting married.

Philip:
Over his dead body.

Hilary:
Doesn't anyone care about how I feel?

Everyone else:
No!

Will:
(knocks on the door and it opens with no one there) Oh, we definitely need one of them in the girl's locker room.

Will:
Carlton, do you realize that they're workin' you harder than everybody else?

Carlton:
Nonsense. We all had to repave the parking lot.

Will:
Yeah, but the rest of us gotta wear shoes.

Will:
And in the words of my illustrious cousin, I'm-a make like a tree and leave.

Carlton:
I never say that. It's make like a banana and split.

Will:
Okay. I'll keep that mind. [laughs]

Hilary (about posing for Playboy):
I am 24 years old and I can make my own decisions. Besides, Mom said it was OK.

Philip (sounding furious):
Oh yeah? Vivian! So you said your daughter could pose for Playboy?

Vivian:
No, I said I didn't like it, but I also said she's a grown woman and its her choice.

Philip:
I want to talk to you about something. It's about my daughter posing for your magazine. Now, suppose your daughter got involved in this whole world?

Hefner:
My daughter is involved in this whole world. She runs the Playboy empire.

Philip:
OK, well, then lets say someone you really care about... like your wife. Suppose she decided to pose?

Hefner:
Well, my wife was the playmate of the year and I'm very proud of that.

Philip:
Don't you understand there are some parents who aren't comfortable with their daughters being stared at by millions of people?

Hefner:
I understand. Over the years, I've had to deal with a lot of parents. You seem like a decent man. I promise you: the pictures will be tasteful.

Will:
I guess I can kiss heaven goodbye because it has got to be sin to look this good.

Philip:
Come on people, I weigh the same I weighed back in high school.

Will:
Yeah, if you add up all 4 years.

Carlton:
Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?!

Will:
Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose.

Carlton:
Not my father!!

Will:
Everybody's father! Except mine, cause I don't know where the hell he is!!

Philip:
Would you do me a favor, Will?

Will:
Uncle Phil, we are not stoppin' fa' no burger!

Philip:
No. No. No. Would you tell Carlton to look after the family just in case this is my last ride?

Will:
Your last ride? Whatcha talkin' 'bout, man? We gonna go for plenty o' rides in ambulances, man.

Hilary:
I can't stand the sight of his mole!

Will:
You're making a mountain out of a mole, Hil!

Philip:
Geoffrey, fetch me my tools.

Geoffrey:
You mean your knife and fork?

Will:
If you walk out on Scott now this could haunt you for the rest of your life.

Hillary:
What do you mean?

Will:
Well, you might never go out again. You'll become one of them crazy old women who walk around all day with a shower cap on, with an ol' raggedy halter top that says "Jam!". Then you gonna start wearing rhinestone gauchos. Then, just for no reason, you'll say "Dum dum de-day!". And you'll be eating neckbone sandwiches all the time and screaming at your lil' imaginary dog, Brutus. And you know what the worst part is?

Hillary:
What?

Will:
The only man you'll get is some fool named Grady. He'll be smelling like menthol all the time and falling asleep in his soup.

Carlton:
Freeze! Will, what the heck do you think you're doing?! You can't drink!

Will:
Why not?!

Carlton:
Because you're underage! It's against the law, mister!

Will:
Thank you, McGruff the Crime Dog.

Will (to Jackie):
You know Hank Farley is not your type. You strip away the shoulder pads, the muscles & the dimples and what you got?

Jackie:
You.

Carlton:
Geoffrey, I need my Santa suit pressed. We can't have Nicky thinking Kris Kringle doesn't keep a sharp crease.

Will:
Oh, but it's all right for him to think Santa's only three feet tall.

Philip:
Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when he hunted Moby Dick.

Geoffrey:
Between the two of you sir, is the cricket the whale?

Ashley:
Come on, Daddy, 10 years? The Menendez boys will be out before I am.

Philip:
The Menendez boys were home by their curfew.

Philip:
Good night, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey:
Good night, sir... idiot

Will:
Seeing how this is your first real date, I think there's a couple things you need to know. Listen, if you gonna hold the popcorn, you hold it UP in plain sight. So when he go reaching for the bucket, he don't miss, talkin' 'bout, 'oops'.

Hillary:
And stop at that gas station and make sure that tank is full.

Carlton:
And if he tells you to pull his finger, don't do it.

Will:
(covering his nose) Oh, man.....

Carlton:
Will, let me tell you a story about The Grasshopper and the Ant.

Will:
Carlton, I really don't feel like hearing about you and your little friends, okay?

Carlton:
Just listen. See, the grasshopper goofed off while the ant worked hard storing food for the winter. And when the winter came, the ant had food, but the grasshopper starved to death. You know what the moral of the story is?

Will:
Yep, even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.

Carlton:
Hey, you wanna hear a little chemistry rhyme?

Will:
No, not really.

Carlton:
Here... little Timmy took a drink, but he will drink no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4! That's how I remembered the equation for sulfuric acid.

Will:
Look. I got one, I got one. Little Carlton was a boy whose body was short and stumpy. He'd never shut his mouth, so I kicked his little rumpy!

Philip:
I can't stand it. This chirping is burning a hole STRAIGHT into my skull.

Geoffrey:
There she blows, capitain! By the table! By the table!

Carlton:
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Philip:
I got him! I killed that little sucker!

Philip:
Where'd you last put the insecticide?

Geoffrey:
In your soup.

Carlton:
I thought you were in bed.

Will:
Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Ashley:
Why are you guys still up? You're making it really hard for me to sneak in.

Will:
Ashley, you know full well if you wanna sneak past Uncle Phil, you don't go through the kitchen.

Vivian:
You can't stop little girls from growing up.

Phil:
I can, and I will!

Carlton:
Sorry, nervous habit.

Will:
Sorry, nervous habit!

Will:
Ding, dong, the cricket's dead, Ashley's grounded, now you can all go to bed!

Will:
Ashley, listen to me. Guys are only after two things,-

Ashley:
(interrupting) I thought they were only after one thing?

Will:
Yeah, but they wanna do it more than once...

Philip:
You're grounded for 10 years.

Ashley:
Daddy?

Philip:
Or whenever you move out the house, whichever comes first.

Ashley:
But that's not fair.

Philip:
Tell it to the judge. Oh, That's me. (passes a plant and the chirping stops) I killed the cricket!

Geoffrey:
(sarcastic) Ah, what a horrible death!

Will:
You know what they say: Behind every successful man is a woman... or if you want to switch positions that's okay with me, too.

Will:
He'll be there or my name isn't...

Will:
You know what Uncle Phil? I think I loved her.

Philip:
Oh... Bull. You hardly even knew her. It's the life style you're in love with.

Will:
So you're saying the only reason I loved her is cause she's rich and let me sponge off of her?

Philip:
Yes.

Will:
Then, I love you too, Uncle Phil.

Will:
Some guy's going to try to be all over you like cheese on a Big Mac.

Ashley:
Well, maybe I like cheese!

Will:
How do you know you like something if you've never had it? Please tell me you ain't had no cheese, Ashley.

Ashley:
(loudly) No, but if I want to have sex! [people stare at Ashley and Will] I do not need your approval!

Will:
It-it's cheese, Ashley.

Will:
Oh, don't give me that innocent boy, look routine! I invented that routine! And you just a bad little dog! Ooh, shame.

Will:
(scoffs) Does this look a place to have fun? I don't think so. Ain't nobody gonna have some fun around here! Not you, not me, not her!

Samantha:
And definitely not me! Goodbye, Will!

Will:
Hey, hey, come back! Ooh, what is her name?!

[Will, Carlton and Philip search for a new car]

Carlton:
Now remember, Will, we're looking for something that emphasizes good sense over style and excitement.

Will:
How about a '94 You?

Philip:
[eats what seems to be a cake] Mmm. This fat-free cake isn't bad, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey:
Sir, that's a sponge.

Will:
Uncle Phil, you cannot go to dinner with Mrs. Robinson.

Phil:
Why not?

Will:
Look, Uncle Phil, I was dropping Wendy off at the hotel last night then Mrs. Robinson went to put on something more comfortable and she asked me about the earthquake experiences. Then, she showed me pictures of her at Lake Tacancowa then, before I knew I knew it... ta-dow.

Philip:
Ta-dow?

Will:
Taaaaaa-dow.

Philip:
Ta-dow. OOOH! YOU SLEPT WITH JANICE!

Ashley:
Ashley, go to your room.

Carlton:
Oh, I love this.

Ashley:
And take Carlton with you.

Carlton:
I'm not going anywhere.

Philip:
You heard what I said.

Will:
For Mother's Day, I got my baby shoes bronzed. (Show's his baby shoes are adult sized)

Ashley:
These are your baby shoes?

Will:
Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet?

Ashley:
No, what?

Will:
They be like, damn, you got some big feet.

Phillip:
If you'll excuse me, I think I'll skip dinner. I don't have much of an appetite.

Geoffrey:
Should I call 911?

Will:
Hey, Uncle Phil, that is not cool, man, the way you're dissin' my father like that.

Phillip:
The hell with your father!

Vivian:
Phillip, for God's sake - !

Phillip:
He waltzes in here after fifteen years-

Will:
Fourteen.

Phillip:
Oh, excuse me - fourteen years - and acts like nothing has happened! Wake up, Will! This is the same guy who didn't think enough of you to pick up the damn phone!

Will:
He made a mistake. I'm sorry that everyone can't be as perfect as you, Uncle Phil, but if I can forgive him, how come you can't?

Phillip:
Because he's not doing this for you. He doing this for himself. And if you think any differently, then you're a fool!

Vivian:
Hey, hey, just cool it! Just cool down; we can talk about this another time.

Will:
You know what, Aunt Viv, ain't even nothing to talk about. I've been waiting for this for a long time - my whole life - and ain't nobody gonna stop me. Come tomorrow, I'm outta here!

Phillip:
Oh, yeah? I don't think so.

Will:
Who cares what you think?! YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER!

[Phillip is visibly hurt by this statement. Will angrily storms out of the kitchen.]

Phillip:
Sit down.

Lou:
I ain't got time for no lecture -

Phillip:
I said sit down, Lou. [Lou sits down on the couch.] You know, Will was doing just fine until you showed up, but now that you're back, you have responsibilities to him.

Lou:
Look, we're still gonna take the trip -

Phillip:
Oh, bull! BULL! Will is not a coat that you hang in the closet then pick it up when you're ready to wear it! His life goes on! He's not supposed to be there for you, you're supposed to be there for him -

Lou:
[abruptly stands up] YOU GET OFF MY BACK! You think I want this?! IT JUST HAPPENED! Now, when Will was a baby, I was scared and -

Phillip:
CUT THE CRAP, ALL RIGHT?! CUT IT! 'Cuz I've been there! But I didn't run out on my family. I was there every day for them, because that's what a man does.

Lou:
FINE, PHILLIP! You win! You're the man! Hey, you're a better man than me! You happy?

[Phillip sighs angrily.]

[after Lou leaves]

Philip:
I'm sorry, Will.

Will:
You know what? This actually works out better for me. You know, the slimmies of summer come to class wearin' next to nothing, y'know what I'm sayin'?

Philip:
Will, it's all right to be angry.

Will:
Hey, why should I be mad? At least he said goodbye this time. I just wish I hadn't wasted my money buying him this stupid present. [pulls a father-son statue from his bag]

Philip:
I'm sorry. If there was something I can do--

Will:
Hey, y'know what, you ain't got to do nothin', Uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'ma be sittin' every night asking my mom: "when's daddy comin' home," you know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?

Philip:
Yeah, you did.

Will:
Got through my first date without him. Right. I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had 14 great birthdays without him! He never even sent me a damn card! [looks back at where Lou just left] THE HELL WITH HIM!!! ... I didn't need him then, I don't need him now.

Philip:
[as Will passes him] Will...

Will:
No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'ma get through college without him, I'ma get a great job without him, I'ma marry me a beautiful honey, and I'ma have me a whole bunch of kids. I'ma be a better father than he ever was, and I sure as hell don't need him for that, [gets emotionally charged] 'cause there ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids! [long pause; breaks down] How come he don't want me, man? [embraces his uncle]

Philip:
So, I have an ugly side.

Geoffrey:
And you could write "Good Year" on it.

Will:
Hey, Ashley, you didn't tell me that dude blew in your ear.

Philip:
Me, either.

Ashley:
Uh... I embellished?

[Will is about to go fight a long time bully]

Will:
C'mon, Carlton, let's go!

Carlton:
I thought you said you wanted to do it alone.

Will:
I do. If I win, I need a witness. If I lose, you're my blood type.

When confronting his former bully, Omar...

Will:
Listen, man, you've kicked me off this court for the last time!

Omar:
I don't even remember kicking you off the first time.

Will:
You really don't remember me?

Omar:
No.

Will:
Hey, can I borrow that ball? (he takes a basketball from one of Omar's friends) Let me give you a little hint. (he hits Omar in the head with the ball)

Omar:
Oh, I remember you now. But I'm not like that anymore.

Will:
Really? You still look like that same bald-headed punk to me.

Omar:
Oh, yeah, I remember you. You're the chicken sandwich guy.

Will:
I AM NOT A CHICKEN! My momma made me move. My momma made me move. I'd never leave Philly. I love it here.

Omar:
So do I. That's why I started talking to the kids so that they won't make the same mistakes I did.

Will You sound like an after-school special. But that's not gonna do anything about my rep. (he gets in a fighting stance) Let's go right now and I'm not taking "no" for an answer.

Omar:
You have no choice.

(He leaves. As he and his friends walk away, Will approaches the fence.)

Will:
Oh yeah? You so stupid, you thought a quarterback was a refund. And you're so ugly, that when you were born, the doctor slapped both your parents. And your mom, oh my goodness. She's like a doorknob, everybody's had a turn.

(Omar and his friends turn around.)

Will:
I guess the mom's the red button.

(Omar approaches Will.)

Will:
Alright, let's go. Come on. (He tucks his head with hands.)

Omar:
Look, I know what you're trying to do, but I'm not going to hit you.

Will:
(get up) Then, I'll tell everyone you're a punk.

Omar:
Be my guest.

Will:
What about your rep?

Omar:
You see those guys? (points at his friends) That's my rep. Brother, you need to grow up.

(Omar and his friends leave. Will leaves the court and walks past a garbage can.)

???:
Will!

(Will jumps, then sees Carlton, hiding in the can.)

Carlton:
Let me know if you need me.

Will:
(on the phone) Hey, Uncle Phil.

Philip:
Hey, Will, are you calling from the plane?

Will:
Actually, I'm not on the plane.

Philip:
Oh, did you miss your flight?

Will:
Sort of.

Philip:
Then, when are you coming back?

Will:
I'm not.

(Following the conversation, the show's logo appears, reading "The Fresh Prince of Philadelphia?")

:(Philip glares at Will)