The IT Crowd, Series 3

The IT Crowd (2006-2013) is a British comedy written by Graham Linehan. The comedy follows Jen, Moss, and Roy and their work in the IT department, based in the basement of Reynholm Industries.

[Moss, highly concussed, is amusing himself by dazzling himself with an anglepoise lamp. Phone rings]

Moss:
Hello, Roy speaking.

Jen:
[on phone] What? Moss? You're still concussed, you need to see the doctor.

Moss:
Who is this? Roy? Wait, it couldn't be Roy, I'm Roy.

Jen:
Look, what does IT mean?

Moss:
What?

Jen:
IT, what does I.T. mean? Someone's just asked me.

Moss:
You don't know what it means?

Jen:
No, I never thought to ask.

Moss:
This must be Jen!

Jen:
Yes-

Moss:
Hello Jen!

Jen:
Hello!

Moss:
How may I help you?

Jen:
Tell me, tell me what IT means.

Moss:
Absolutely. [pause]

Jen:
Well?

Moss:
Very well, thank you. How are you?

Jen:
Moss, please just stay with me, just for this simple question okay? What-

Moss:
Jen, I'm just going to put you on speakerphone, all right?

Jen:
No no no, don't hang up-

Moss:
[hangs up] Jen, you are now on speakerphone. [pause] Jen? Hello Jen? [phone rings] Jen, can you bear with me one moment? I've got someone trying to get through in the other line. [picks up] Roy speaking.

Jen:
You just hung up on me.

Moss:
Jen, can you hold on one second? I've got Jen on the other line.

Jen:
No! Don't-

Moss:
[switches lines] Jen, can I call you back? I've just got Jen trying to get through on the other line. [switches lines] Jen, sorry about that. Phew! Chicken in a basket, it has been all ruddy go today! Now how may I help you?

Jen:
What does IT mean?! You know, computers? Something to do with computers probably?

Moss:
Computers? That's not really my area. Jen, I'd love to help you but, it's a real pain, I seem to have forgotten absolutely everything I know about computers.

Jen:
How can you forget everything you know about computers, Moss?

Moss:
Let me see, maybe it isn't everything. [thinks] No, it's definitely everything.

[Jen looks at a small black box, which has a small red LED light on the top. Moss stands next to her.]

Jen:
What is it?

Moss:
This, Jen, is the Internet.

Jen:
What?

Moss:
That's right.

Jen:
This is the Internet? [Moss nods.] The whole Internet?

Moss:
Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.

Jen:
It's so small!

Moss:
That's one of the surprising things about it.

Jen:
Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...

Moss:
[rolling his eyes] It's wireless!

Jen:
Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?

Moss:
Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work.

Jen:
Oh, good.

Moss:
I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.

Jen:
Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light.

Moss:
Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!

Jen:
[laughing] No, no, of course it doesn't!

[Roy enters the room]

Roy:
[irritated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?

Jen:
Moss said I could use it for my speech.

Roy:
Are you insane? What if she drops it?

Jen:
I won't drop it, I'll look after it!

Roy:
No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [He takes the box from Jen] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.

Jen:
Big Ben?

Moss:
Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.

Jen:
I promise I won't let anything happen to it.

Roy:
No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen becomes woeful] The Elders of the Internet would never stand for it.

Moss:
Oh no, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month, and they were so impressed, that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.

Jen:
[suspiciously] Wait a minute, the "Elders of the Internet"!? [shocked] The Elders of the Internet know who I am!? You've got to let me have it!

Roy:
No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just too risky!

Jen:
Oh, please, Roy!

Roy:
[resignedly] Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?

Moss:
By Stephen Hawking himself. [to Jen] He sends his congratulations, by the way.

Roy:
Well, if it's okay with the Hawk...

Jen:
So, can I have it?

Roy:
You can.

[Roy and Moss dramatically give the box to Jen, reminding her to pick her speech up and carry the box carefully. As soon as she leaves the room, Roy and Moss dance happily]


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