The IT Crowd, Series 3

Douglas Reynholm:
I can't seem to get it open.

Roy Trenneman:
You want me to open it. That's why you called me all the way up here, to open your laptop?

Douglas:
I would be beholden to you.

Maurice Moss:
Well, if someone called me a "big, ugly builder", I'd be furious - and not just because I'm actually an IT consultant. Revenge, that would be uppermost on my mind: "I'm going to wee on everything. I'm going to taint her abode. I'm going to strain my personal potatoes throughout her premises."

Moss:
[Chasing teenage bullies around the park] I got a gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a ruddy gun! I got a flipping gun! I got a motherflipping gun! I got a mother flipping gun!

[Repeated conversation]

Moss:
Did you see that ludicrous display last night?

Postman:
What was Wenger thinking sending Walcott on that early?

Moss:
The thing about Arsenal is, they always try to walk it in!

Postman:
Yeah it is true. See you later, Moss

Moss:
Mind 'ow you go.

Moss:
Just promise me we won't do anything else with them. I want to go back to being weird. I like being weird. Weird is all I've got. That and my sweet style.

June:
What does IT stand for?

Jen Barber:
What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand for?

June:
Yes, yes, but what does it stand for?

Jen:
It stands for, it stands for commitment. It stands for audacity. It stands for courage in the face of-

June:
Yes, yes I can see what you're getting at, but the specific letters "IT", what do they stand for?

Jen:
What do you think they stand for?

June:
No, no, perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not looking for an interpretation, I really don't know what the letters actually stand for. So, let's start with the I. What does the I stand for?

Jen:
I... need... to... [nervously laughs] wee wee.

Douglas:
[being shocked by his anti-harrassment device] But I'm not aroused, it's only cars! God damn these electric sex pants!

Douglas:
You there, computer man. Fix my pants!

Moss:
Beg your pardon?

Douglas:
Pull down my trousers and do your job!

[Moss, highly concussed, is amusing himself by dazzling himself with an anglepoise lamp. Phone rings]

Moss:
Hello, Roy speaking.

Jen:
[on phone] What? Moss? You're still concussed, you need to see the doctor.

Moss:
Who is this? Roy? Wait, it couldn't be Roy, I'm Roy.

Jen:
Look, what does IT mean?

Moss:
What?

Jen:
IT, what does I.T. mean? Someone's just asked me.

Moss:
You don't know what it means?

Jen:
No, I never thought to ask.

Moss:
This must be Jen!

Jen:
Yes-

Moss:
Hello Jen!

Jen:
Hello!

Moss:
How may I help you?

Jen:
Tell me, tell me what IT means.

Moss:
Absolutely. [pause]

Jen:
Well?

Moss:
Very well, thank you. How are you?

Jen:
Moss, please just stay with me, just for this simple question okay? What-

Moss:
Jen, I'm just going to put you on speakerphone, all right?

Jen:
No no no, don't hang up-

Moss:
[hangs up] Jen, you are now on speakerphone. [pause] Jen? Hello Jen? [phone rings] Jen, can you bear with me one moment? I've got someone trying to get through in the other line. [picks up] Roy speaking.

Jen:
You just hung up on me.

Moss:
Jen, can you hold on one second? I've got Jen on the other line.

Jen:
No! Don't-

Moss:
[switches lines] Jen, can I call you back? I've just got Jen trying to get through on the other line. [switches lines] Jen, sorry about that. Phew! Chicken in a basket, it has been all ruddy go today! Now how may I help you?

Jen:
What does IT mean?! You know, computers? Something to do with computers probably?

Moss:
Computers? That's not really my area. Jen, I'd love to help you but, it's a real pain, I seem to have forgotten absolutely everything I know about computers.

Jen:
How can you forget everything you know about computers, Moss?

Moss:
Let me see, maybe it isn't everything. [thinks] No, it's definitely everything.

[Jen looks at a small black box, which has a small red LED light on the top. Moss stands next to her.]

Jen:
What is it?

Moss:
This, Jen, is the Internet.

Jen:
What?

Moss:
That's right.

Jen:
This is the Internet? [Moss nods.] The whole Internet?

Moss:
Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.

Jen:
It's so small!

Moss:
That's one of the surprising things about it.

Jen:
Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...

Moss:
[rolling his eyes] It's wireless!

Jen:
Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?

Moss:
Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work.

Jen:
Oh, good.

Moss:
I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.

Jen:
Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light.

Moss:
Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!

Jen:
[laughing] No, no, of course it doesn't!

[Roy enters the room]

Roy:
[irritated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?

Jen:
Moss said I could use it for my speech.

Roy:
Are you insane? What if she drops it?

Jen:
I won't drop it, I'll look after it!

Roy:
No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [He takes the box from Jen] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.

Jen:
Big Ben?

Moss:
Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.

Jen:
I promise I won't let anything happen to it.

Roy:
No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen becomes woeful] The Elders of the Internet would never stand for it.

Moss:
Oh no, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month, and they were so impressed, that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.

Jen:
[suspiciously] Wait a minute, the "Elders of the Internet"!? [shocked] The Elders of the Internet know who I am!? You've got to let me have it!

Roy:
No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just too risky!

Jen:
Oh, please, Roy!

Roy:
[resignedly] Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?

Moss:
By Stephen Hawking himself. [to Jen] He sends his congratulations, by the way.

Roy:
Well, if it's okay with the Hawk...

Jen:
So, can I have it?

Roy:
You can.

[Roy and Moss dramatically give the box to Jen, reminding her to pick her speech up and carry the box carefully. As soon as she leaves the room, Roy and Moss dance happily]

Douglas:
April, these past few days have been like a dream. Usually, I can't wait to get away from a woman once I've ejaculated, but with you... I don't know, I feel alive. April, I love you.

April:
What?

Douglas:
That's right, I totally love the bloody arse off you.

April:
Oh, Douglas! I love you too!

Douglas:
Oh, poppet... to think when we met, you were so worried that you came from Iran.

April:
...what?

Douglas:
When we met, as if I'd be worried about something like that! I don't care where you're from; Iran, France, doesn't bother me. I'm very modern

April:
I'm not from Iran!

Douglas:
Well, you said something along those lines.

April:
No, not Iran, a man! I said I used to be a man!

Douglas:
You used to be a man...?

April:
Yes!

[Douglas grips April very tightly]

Douglas:
OH GOD...

[During Jen's speech]

Shareholder:
Is it heavy? [indicates the box]

Jen:
[laughs] That's a bit of a silly question. The Internet doesn't weigh anything!

Indistinguishable shareholder:
F***ing idiot!

Moss:
My mum's on Friendface! My mum! I've opened up another line of communication with her!

Roy:
Isn't that a good thing?

Moss:
She's listed her "current mood" as "sensual"!

Roy:
Why didn't you just not accept her friend request?

Moss:
What are you, an animal?

Roy:
Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap [make-up] on with a trowel.

Jen:
[applying more lipstick] Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?

Roy:
Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Jen:
Why are you doing this?

Roy:
Same reason I do everything: to have sex with a lady.

Douglas:
Hell's horses!

Roy:
[Acting as Moss's teenage bullies] Nice glasses!

Moss:
Not as nice as your momma's glasses!