The King of Queens, Season 2

Doug (content):
Cereal...I had you last night, too. (He reaches up over the door jamb and grabs the key to unlock the garage, but is surprised when the door seems to be open.)

Doug:
CARRIE!!! (He turns around and walks back into the kitchen, where Carrie is at the kitchen table.) Can I see you in the garage? (He grabs Carrie and all but drags her to the garage. Once there, he gestures to the spot where the TV used to be.) Huh?!

Carrie:
Where's your TV?

Doug:
I'm thinkin' it was stolen!

Carrie:
Oh, my God! Do you think somebody broke in here?

Doug:
You know what? That's one theory! Here's another: (yelling) They came in through the garage door that you left open!!

Carrie (shocked):
What?! No, I didn't!

Doug:
Did, Carrie! Did! You were the last one in here, it's open, that means--try and stay with me, here--that you left it open!!!

Doug:
I'll tell you why it happened. It happened because you wanted it to happen!

Carrie (incredulous):
What?

Doug:
You heard me! You hated my TV, so you wished it out into the cornfield, and it's gone!

Carrie:
The cornfield, Doug?

Doug:
Yeah, classic Twilight Zone? Sci-Fi Channel? Ever hear of it? Here, let me show you. (He uses the remote as if he's turning on the TV.) OOOOH! I CAN'T!!

[Doug's first encounter with Carrie was when Doug worked as a nightclub bouncer and his friend and co-worker Richie got him a a date with Carrie's friend, Lynn]

Lynn:
Do you...you know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?

Doug Hefferman:
Well, you know, it is...it's...I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. Then...be very not nice.

Lynn:
[laughs] I love that!

Doug Hefferman:
Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.

Lynn:
Oh, I never saw that movie!

Doug Hefferman:
You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.

Doug (sarcastic):
Make sure it doesn't have capers. (Carrie stiffens, as if she was expecting this.)

Carrie (testy):
Okay, here we go. You wanna get into this now? Bring it on.

Doug:
No, no, I don't wanna get into it, I want you to be happy. Don't want you to have to call the Lean Cuisine people and ask for the manager.

Carrie (turning to face Doug):
Well, if I did have to, we all know on whose side you'd be on, don't we?

Doug:
I wanted a nice evening out. You're the one who went insane!

Carrie:
Oh, yeah, I'm insane. I ordered my food without capers and then wanted it without capers. Yeah, fit me for a strait-jacket, I'm a loon!

Doug:
You know what I mean, okay? You're always on the lookout for who's out to get you! You can never just let something go, because that would result in a delightful evening out, and we can't have that, can we? No!

Doug:
I swear, I think the Spooner family crest is a shaking fist with the words, "I want to see the manager!"